Table scraps:
:Since I did such a lousy job describing Al Franken's first show, here's a blogger who captured it almost minute-by-minute. At 12:42, we learn, G. Gordon Liddy called Al from his own radio show. Not an hour into it, and already liberal radio had become meta. Oh boy.
::Former U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix gives his impressions of meeting with Bush and Cheney. On Bush: "He made on me a boyish impression. He was agile, moving, moving in the chair, especially compared to Cheney." And on Cheney: "The rumors that Cheney is alive are somewhat exaggerated."
:::Soul food? What soul food? The Tennessee Department of Health was slapped recently for airing a public service announcement that told people to "try baking your chicken, eating a fresh tossed salad on the side and scrumptious watermelon for dessert."
::::Abe is back. Back again. Abe is back. Tell a friend.

Here's more proof that the music industry isn't actually suffering from music downloads. A report (note: it's in pdf format) from Harvard Business School and the University of North Carolina analyzed the industry and mp3's impact on sales, and found there to be "no statistically significant effect." Furthermore, it said that while downloads don't really affect the sales of any artist, the tiny fraction of impact actually lands with relatively unknown artists, and that artists in the top one percent of the industry are virtually untouched. This, of course, confirms what we knew all along: Metallica and the RIAA are money-grubbing bastards. While it should have been obvious that downloads don't hurt music sales, my wish is that the greed and willingness of Metallica and the RIAA to legally assault their fans and customers will create a consumer backlash that will actually affect sales. One can only hope.

Here are two experps from the study's results:

...We find that file sharing has no statistically significant effect on purchases of the average album in our sample. Moreover, the estimates are of rather modest size when compared to the drastic reduction in sales in the music industry. At most, file sharing can explain a tiny fraction of this decline. This result is plausible given that movies, software and video games are actively downloaded, and yet these industries have continued to grow since the advent of file sharing... ...Based on our results, we do not believe file sharing will have a significant effect on the supply of recorded music. Our argument is twofold. The business model of major labels relies heavily on a limited number of superstar albums. FOr these albums, we find that the impact of file sharing on sales is likely to be positive, leaving the ability of major labels to promote and develop talent intact. Our estimates indicate that less popular artists who sell few albums are most likely to be negatively affected by file sharing. (Note, however, that even for this group the estimated effect is statistically insignificant.) Even if this leads record labels to reduce compensation for less popular artists, it is not obvious this will influence music production. This is because the financial incentives for creating recorded music are quite weak. Few of the artists who create one of the roughly 30,000 albums released each year in the U.S. will make a living from their sales because only a few albums are ever profitable. In fact, only a small number of established acts receive contracts with royalty rates ensuring financial sufficiency while the remaining artists must rely on ther sources of income like touring or other jobs. Because the economic rewards are concentrated at the top and probably fewer than one percent of acts ever reach this level, altering the payment rate should have very little influence on entry into popular music...

A quick gasp of air: with the combination of my old software and Air America's website delays, I got to catch a whopping two seconds of Al Franken's show. At 12:02, my Real Player connected in time for me to hear him say, "...it's about relentlessly hammering away at the Bush administration," and then a little window popped up to tell me my connection had been severed. Not bad, though. Take any random two seconds of Al Franken, and you're ensured a snippet of anti-Bush. Take a deep breath of Air America -- it's potent!

You dirty, dirty sun! It appears that sunlight may actually increase the chances of catching a sexually-transmitted disease -- but not, as the AP notes, "because people have more sex when the weather is nice." Sunlight, it seems, can weaken a woman's immune system, which has been a boost to the papilloma virus. But I'm a bit more interested in that throw-away claim of having more sex in good weather. The only follow-up the writer gives is half-way through the story, with this:

No one can say exactly when people are having the most sex, but one strong hint is when the most babies are conceived. Records show that conception is most likely to occur in Holland in March, although there is only about a 10 percent variation over the year.

Ok, so Holland residents are having baby-making sex in July. That's hardly enough evidence to claim that people have more sex when the weather is nice, especially when it would make more sense that people have more sex during crappy weather. If you're holed up at home during the winter, with snow making outdoor activities tedious and sometimes impossible, what else is there to do but have sex? It's a nice way to pass the time, it warms you up, and hell, nobody's lighting romantic fireplaces in July. (Although, they are, according to AskMen.com, having sex in gondolas and hockey games.)

Hopefully this isn't an indication of how the new liberal radio network, Air America, will run. Today is its debut day, and its website is down. Too bad. I was hoping to listen to its early hours. Al Franken goes on at noon, so I'll try back then and hopefully something will be working. Meanwhile, the NY Times gives us a photo of Janeane Garofalo looking rather punk rock and very unlike her Truth About Cats and Dogs character in front of a radio mic, along with a few descriptions of her show's practice run yesterday:

In an interview with Craig Crawford, a columnist for Congressional Quarterly, the two hosts spent several minutes clobbering the news media, a favorite target of Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Hannity. "It seems the journalists have really put themselves in the center of the story in a partisan political way," Ms. Garofalo said, speaking of what she called a new form of participatory journalism. Moments later Mr. Seder observed, "Really, most reporters are whores." Among others, Ms. Garofalo and Mr. Seder poked fun at Mr. Bush's former spokesman Ari Fleischer ("Is he not shoveling coal in hell now?" Mr. Seder asked); Karl Rove, the president's senior adviser and political strategist (said by Ms. Garofalo to be pursuing "the elusive 18-25 Klan demo"); and Vice President Dick Cheney. (Mr. Seder said he felt sure that he could see Mr. Cheney's hand moving Mr. Bush's mouth on "Meet the Press" earlier this year.)

UPDATE: Well, the site's up and running, but now it's just a jump to AirAmericaRadio.com, which is fairly empty. It does say there will be "streaming audio of all programs" on the site, but if that's true, they better get on it quick. I'm writing this at 11:46 a.m. -- 14 minutes to show-time.

Tuesday, March 30

Table scraps:
:Move over, black and brown. This season, men are wearing pink.
::Confused about what the Pledge of Allegiance means? Slate has a powerpoint presentation to help you sort through all those sticky details.
:::What has celebrity obsession come to? Here's a critic writing about MTV's "I Want a Famous Face" -- a show that is, in a word, appalling: "Fans who are having plastic surgery in order to resemble Kate Winslet, Pam Anderson, or J.Lo are right up there with Madonna stalkers in the realm of having big, unresolved issues. They have distorted and fragile self-images, perhaps from having studied one too many glossy magazine photo spreads. They want celebrity skin, almost literally."
::::The press release is the gun, and the Axl is the Rose. 

And the Oscar for jailhouse emotions goes to...

Singer and deadbeat dad Bobby Brown, displaying both depth and poise in his ever-growing collection of mugshots! As NewYorkish (who created the above graphic) so very astutely observes, Bobby is a natural in front of the prison camera. Someone call Mr. Deville, because this man is ready for his close-up. How does he display such emotional truth? He must be such a dedicated method actor that he just can't seperate Jail Bobby from Citizen Bobby. Oh, Bobby. That's quite a deBobby-debacle.

Apologies to those of you who tried to access the site over the weekend and Monday. The server was down, and I wasn't able to actually update anything until about noon on Tuesday. But as you can see, it's now back up and running.

Can Adam please dismiss his show's producers? Let the girls stay a little longer, and get rid of whatever hack jobs are behind the editing board. Yes, I'll admit, I'm watching Average Joe: Adam Returns, even though I didn't see most of the first season in which Adam was a contestant. But here's what kills me about this show: just because the premise is a gimmick -- bringing back the loser to get his own batch of girls -- doesn't mean the entire show needs to be peppered with gimmicks. Last night, we saw another season one contestant, Zach, snoop around a golf course and then do sneaky things to Adam while he's on his date. Later, Brian Worth, the last average joe standing from season two, shows up to watch his own show with the girls. Each appearance was fairly useless, and since they were given only a minute or two of airtime, I'm assuming the producers knew that. It's as if NBC is giving its audience a This Is Your TV Life episode overlapped with an actual reality dating show, and that's making for some pretty stale television.

A sidenote: I was looking for a good, non-NBC link for the show, and found this site: RealityTVnews, which is an unbelivably shameless rip-off of the Boston Globe's website. I mean, if they're so hard up for site design that they need to borrow another site's, don't make it so damn obvious. Yikes.

In today's Boston Globe, conservative radio talking head Jay Severin goes on and on about liberal radio, and then writes something I genuinely agree with:

...the values and views of nonliberals are the root of evil: "selfish" because we believe our taxes too high; "haters" because we disdain racial preferences and same-sex marriage; "cruel" because we believe in strong national defense, capital punishment, and actually oppose illegal immigration; and, of course, "stupid" because we reject your benighted viewpoint.

Right on, Jay! I mean, sure, I'd change "strong national defense" to something like, um, "isolationist militarism," and swap out "disdain racial preferences" for "want to ensure the success of our white friends," but I think the tenor here is the same. It's nice to finally be able to agree on some issues with conservatives.

Friday, March 26

How best to explain the demise of the American workforce? Try this: Wall Street is attacking Costco for being too nice to its customers. You see, in America, public companies function in the best interests of the shareholders, not the employees. In part, that's because shareholders have money and employees don't, and shareholders would like to keep it that way. Less money for the employees means more money for the shareholders. Shareholders like when employees get lousy wages and no health care. They like it even better when all the employees get fired and the company moves overseas. Sometimes, shareholders stop by companies and just kick employees in the head. Yes indeed, shareholders sure love a miserable and suffering employee.

Consequently, the last thing a company wants to do is allow its employees to eat well and raise a family. "From day one, we've run the company with the philosophy that if we pay better than average, provide a salary people can live on, have a positive environment and good benefits, we'll be able to hire better people, they'll stay longer and be more efficient," Richard Galanti, Costco's chief financial officer, told the Wall Street Journal. A retailing analyst responds: "Costco's benefits are overly generous." Ugh, that spineless Costco bastard. Providing a salary people can live on? Costco should be ashamed of itself. It makes me sick.

Table scraps:
:The NFL is the devil, according to the Pope. In what must have been yet another attempt to make the church more inclusive -- a wildly effective campaign, especially when coupled with all this gay-hating and child-molesting -- the Pope has declared that Sunday sports are making people "stay locked within a horizon so narrow that they can no longer see the heavens." Is anyone getting the feeling that the church secretly doesn't want people to join? I mean, really.
::Have you missed the 9/11 hearings? No problem. You can catch up with this crafty diagram.
:::Christ may have been reborn in the Passion of the Christ, but he wasn't the only thing Mel brought back from the grave. Monty Python's Life of Brian is crusading back in to theaters, just in time to remind everyone that there's more to life than weeping for Jesus.
::::A song Crazy Debbie likes is blaring from the bar inside, and she starts doing that dance that you sometimes see in music videos, the one where women shake their butts so fast they seem to blur. Here is one writer's brave journey into the belly of Girls Gone Wild.

Nothing like a little awkward small talk between former enemies to lighten the mood. Take a look at the following exchange. Is it a bad translation from a kung-fu movie? A chance encounter by two former lovers? A fourth grade writing assignment?

"You did a lot of fighting on this issue and seem exhausted," the first one said. "There's been a lot to do," the second one replied. "You are looking good. You are still young," the first one said.

Whatever you thought, you're wrong! It's actually England's Prime Minister Tony Blair talking to Libya's Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi, in a brief and well-publicized meeting between to reward Libya for giving up its nukes. After those words were spoke, Blair raised his hand for a handshake and Qaddafi giggled softly and stutter-stepped into a hug. Blair patted him on the back and said, "It'll be okay, sweetie. It'll be okay."

Permit me a moment of self indulgence:

See the guy beneath that red arrow? No? I understand. After all, he's pretty hard to miss. That's me, though. All the way in the back left, tucked so far away that even Hollywood lights couldn't reach me. This is a photo from the set of a scene in Jersey Girl, the new Kevin Smith movie out today, and that there on the left is Mr. Smith himself. The scene was shot in Paulsboro, N.J., and I skipped work and drove five hours to be an extra in it. Our seating was all luck of the draw, but it worked out well that I got stuck in the back. Because the shooting went on until around midnight, I was able to leave early and make the five-hour drive home.

Actually, screw that. I would have rather slept in a motel that night and actually been in the movie. But oh well. It was a good time, I met some fun people, and I wrote this cheesy story about it for the paper I was working for at the time, which newsaskew.com posted (and then some newsaskew.com readers ripped apart). Our main job was to applaud. Over and over, sometimes faking it and sometimes really, truly smacking our hands together. We gave multiple standing ovations -- also, sometimes silently and sometimes with vigor. I became an expert at clapping.

I've been a big Kevin Smith fan since Mallrats came out -- hell, I made my college drop $22,500 for him to come speak there, where I finally got to meet the guy and help be a part of his DVD collection of speaking events -- so today's a good day for me. I hope you'll all go check out Jersey Girl, as I'm sure it'll be a delightful little flick.

Thursday, March 25

During college, some friends of mine were called by the two well-known prank callers. They were the Foot Guy and the Sex Guy, and it seemed everyone knew someone who had been called by one of them. The foot guy would call and get girls to talk about their feet by posing as someone they knew, but refusing to reveal his identity until they described their shoes and socks. The second guy would call and say he dialed a number at random because he needed someone to talk to, and that he had just gotten drunk and made out with his roommate, and now doesn't know if he's gay. Ultimately, he'll try to get a girl to reveal some personal information about herself. These both sound like jokes, but they weren't. I was there for both of them. These guys were full-on fetish folk, and they couldn't get their jollies any other way.

They were sort of funny to talk about, but extremely creepy to hear in action. I always wanted to track them down, but with the school's internal phone system and cops not caring too much and residential advisors saying it wasn't a big deal, I just gave up. But not this lady. She was getting calls for a while, and managed to track it to a single phone book. She had all numbers forwarded to her cell phone, and then  her and some family members staked out the booth, waited for some guy to get in the booth and call. When he did, her cell phone rang, so they surrounded the booth and called the cops. Three cheers for this lady. There's nothing more rewarding than vigilante justice.

Less education, more money! Or, you know, less education for children, and more money for Bush. No, it's not No Child Left Behind -- or, not this time, at least. It's Bush's $2,000-a-person Boston fundraiser, which comes with so much security that a nearby school needed to be shut down for the day! Enjoy it, kids. It's about the only favor Bush will ever do for you.

Table scraps:
:Somehow, this seems fitting. Richard Simmons was cited for a misdemeanor assault after slapping a man who insulted his exercise videos. Next up: Slappin' to the Oldies!
::Magicians are freaking out over a Houdini museum's plans to reveal the secret to "Metamorphisis," a trick in which lots of wacky stuff happens. This is a major violation of the magician's code of ethics, but the museum's curator said their bunny is already out of the hat. She learned how to do the truck by checking out a book at her local library.
:::Will recently killed Hamas leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin mysteriously come back as Yassin the White? Hey, why not? He did it in Lord of the Rings.
::::Here's something to keep you occupied while in jail: try trademarking your name and then suing every judge and lawyer that uses it without your permission in court. It's not too legally sound, but that hasn't stopped criminals from trying.
:::::That last link was sent to me by a reader, which reminds me to remind you: if you've got a question or comment, or a fun link to share, please do e-mail me. My address is up there on the top left. Thanks.

Heh heh heh. Shibby.

I wish I was clever enough to come up with this on my own, but I wasn't. Nor was the Bush administration, although at this point even they're making fun of themselves for not finding any weapons, as they did at this recent schmooze-fest. But even some humble pie -- and some pretty lame humble pie, at that -- won't help these guys out, especially with former counterterrorism cheif Richard Clarke now saying that, after 9/11, Bush demanded that Clarke find a connection between the hijackings and Iraq. Duuuuude, that's messed up.

The Supreme Court case to decide whether "under God" belongs in the Pledge of Allegiance is easily the most interesting thing going on right now. I've read a few stories about it, and have been fairly surprised that the papers are treating athiest Michael Newdow -- the guy who brought the case to court, and is arguing for it in his first appearance at a high court -- so fairly. The NY Times even highlighted this great exchange between Newdow and Justice Rehnquist:

For example, when Dr. Newdow described "under God" as a divisive addition to the pledge, Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist asked him what the vote in Congress had been 50 years ago when the phrase was inserted. The vote was unanimous, Dr. Newdow said. "Well, that doesn't sound divisive," the chief justice observed. Dr. Newdow shot back, "That's only because no atheist can get elected to public office." The courtroom audience broke into applause, an exceedingly rare event that left the chief justice temporarily nonplussed.

Pretty good stuff, and I'm glad the case is being argued by a guy as quick as Newdow. He's up against some heavy-hitters, namely the majority of the country, all of whom argue against his case for the same reason he's arguing for it. They say "under God" shouldn't be taken out because it's ripping government from religion, and Newdow says, exactly. As much as the Supreme Court justices want to argue that the phrase is diluted and not religiously based -- a pretty absurd argument, if you ask me -- it really doesn't take much to highlight just how much "under God" refers to the Christian God. As he pointed out, when the first ruling at the 9th Circuit court was made in favor of Newsom, all 99 senators gathered on the steps of the Capitol and played the song "Onward Christian Soldiers." I mean, let's get serious here. How often does the opposition to a case make the strongest argument in favor of the case?

If the Supreme Court doesn't decide to strike out "under God" -- a phrase, don't forget, that was entered into the pledge just over 50 years ago -- then it will only be doing so out of the fear of tampering with religion's stronghold over this country. And that, just like everything else, will prove Newdow right.

Wednesday, March 24

Ah-hah! Finally, someone explains why television news channel websites always look exactly the same. Take a look, for instance, at the differences between KETV in Omaha and KMBC in Kansas City and WCVB in Boston. Now look at your local tv news station's site. Always the same exact layout, which is ugly, confusing, generally useless. As the executive director of New England Cable News said, "Is this news, is this marketing, who's in charge of this thing? There's no sense of priority in the top half. It's all over the place. These pages look like everybody got their way at the station at once. Whether it's breaking news from Baghdad or Mr. Food, it's all top line. It makes me nuts, I don't understand the logic."

The reason, according to Online Journalism Review: so many news stations outsource their webpages to Internet Broadcasting Systems, some random company that then has to take direction from the station's news, sales and promotions departments. Maybe this saves the stations some money, but if they're willing to outsource their site to a company like IBS, I don't understand why they have a website in the first place. These things are totally useless. I almost never link to them because the content is skimpy, the design is awful, and I can usually find a better version of the story at a more reputable and well-designed source. Why this isn't a priority for news stations, I have no idea.

A few words about the anonymous assault on the book industry that appeared a few days ago in Salon.com. In it, a woman going by the name Jane Austin Doe laid out her struggling career as a writer, and rips in to the book industry for being shallow, unwilling to take risks, and unsupportive of mid-list writers. It's caused just about everyone to respond -- Gawker.com is trying to figure out who she is, and Neil Pollack slaps her silly, writing that "You only got $80,000 for a book it took you two whole years to write. Do you know that, according to the National Writers' Union, the average writer in America makes $4,000 a year from their writing? And that's when you figure Stephen King and Nora Roberts into the equation."

Amusingly enough, I can speak about this from personal experience. I wrote an article in Salon about the complexities of female arousal, and it caught the interest of a top book agency. Through the generous guidance of one of the agency's readers, I worked my way through a book proposal on the subject, which I think is both fascinating and highly important. But ultimately, the agent passed on the book because she felt it wasn't very marketable -- and that's fair. This is her business, and she doesn't want to make a bad investment. I was disappointed, but hey, that's how it goes.

So, back to Jane Austin Doe: I appreciate her plug for indie bookstores, but I had a hard time accepting this woman's gripe. I was expecting true savagry: people stole her work, abused her, chained her up and made her write blurbs for book covers. Instead, her problem seems to be that her books aren't selling well.

Now, I do sympathize with her main critique of the book industry: much like movies and music, this is an industry that focuses on guaranteed successes, not risks. And ultimately, the things that are guaranteed are the ones that are time-tested, which means that Stephen King gets to crank out 45 versions of the same exact book but John Kennedy Toole literally kills himself trying to sell something quirky, a little less mainstream, but ultimately brilliant. I'm with Jane Austin Doe on this. It's a fine and fair observation, but hardly unique to books.

But Jane Austin Doe made more of a stink than a point, I'm afraid. It's too bad, too. I think we often forget how cautious and viewer-conscious our mainstream art is these days. But complaining about $80,000 book advances surely isn't the way to make that point stick.

Table scraps:
:An Australian guesses about American foods, and is mostly correct. For grits, he muses: "So is it just what it sounds like? Are you just sitting in front of a bowl full of grit – basically just bits of rock – and spooning gravel into your mouths? Do you put sugar on it?"
::Erin Brockovich is, as a friend of mine put it, full of Brock-o-lies. And all it took was one scrappy reporter at a small-time California weekly newspaper to figure it out.
:::You know when a daredevil jumps from a really high building on to an emormous air-filled cushion below? Ever wonder how big those air-filled cushions are? Ever consider how close somebody could get to actually missing the cushion? Yes, yes and yes? Watch this video.
::::Warning: I am about to link, for the very first time, to the Drudge Report. And here's why: the FCC-inspired panic about "indecency" is now so out of control that an Internet rumormonger is trying to get people worked up about a short snippet of a middle finger on American Idol. Check it out. I apologize for the conservative pop-up ad that will follow, and again, I'm sorry -- deeply sorry -- for sending you to Drudge. I'm going to lose sleep over this.
:::::What happens when a man drops a bowling ball out of a 17th-floor apartment? It makes a big crater. And just why was he dropping a bowling ball? Well, of course, to kill cops.
::::::If you're a stray dog, head to Thailand.

Feeling a bit randy? Why not launch into the exotic and erotic three-day love-fest of Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church? All you'll need is a Holy Handkerchief, the Holy Salt, a Holy Gown, and two basins or bowls. Oh, and you can't be creeped out by having sex in front of a picture of Sun Myung -- or, as the uber-conservative, bigoted Washington Times owner who once called gays "dung-eating dogs" has people refer to him as, the True Father -- because that's the only way to truly make love in the church. Confused? Don't worry. His church provides hot, steamy instructions for all your love-making needs. Meow! Here's a taste:

The third day is the ceremony for the man to restore dominion. It is the ceremony for both the man and woman to come together as the ideal husband and wife.

(1) The man washes first, using the Holy Handkerchief, then the woman washes.

(2) After putting on the Holy Gowns, the man and woman bow three times (as in Pledge service) to Heavenly Father and True Parents. Then they offer three bows to each other simultaneously. Then the man offers the prayer. He stands; the woman kneels facing him (Figure 3).

Note: the man now stands on the right side in the subject position.

Contents of the man's prayer:

"Thank you for having me reborn as sinless Adam through the first two ceremonies. I pray that through the ceremony today we may become an eternal couple as husband and wife and that each of us can have the triple objective relationship of love with each other. I pray that I may restore all the conditions that the first Adam lost."

After the man finishes his prayer, the woman in the position of wife, offers a prayer in response to the man's prayer.

(3) For the Act of Love

The man, in the position of subject, lies above the woman and takes the initiative. The woman cooperates and responds to the man.

(4) Care of the Holy Handkerchief

After the act of love, both spouses should wipe their sexual areas with the Holy Handkerchief. Hang the handkerchief to dry naturally and keep them eternally. They must be kept individually labeled and should never be laundered or mixed up.

Tuesday, March 23

Two great quotes:
1. "Who cares what you think?" -George W. Bush to a guy who told him he's not doing a good job as president. The guy sent the quote to a few friends by e-mail, and it exploded on the web. In Salon.com, he muses: In retrospect, it's an excellent question. I made a list, and it's pretty short: My family cares what I think. My friends care. My various employers have cared at various times, as have a generous handful of teachers and mentors. But that's about it. In the big picture, I'm nobody from nowhere, and the marketplace for my ideas is pretty slim.
2. "I'm a tough guy, I chew on cigars, I live life to the fullest. But I don't like it when I see human rights violated. We are not the Hetero States of America." -Jesse Ventura, quoted in the Boston Globe about his support for gay marriage. It's not really the most eloquent thing I've ever heard, but that's ok.

Soak up Bob Edwards while you can, because the longtime host of NPR's Morning Edition is about to sign off. At the end of April, Edwards, a man who I can't even imagine having a regular conversation with his ready-steady-NPR voice, will become "senior correspondent for NPR news." The circumstances sound a little fishy: an NPR spokesman said the changes is "part of a natural evolution. A new host will bring new ideas and perspectives to the show." Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. At the very least, it's not sacking Bob the way Sandra Tsing Loh was booted from NPR affiliate KCRW because an f-bomb she used wasn't bleeped out. Better NPR's "natural evolution" than the FCC's unnatural regression.

Table scraps:
:Charlie Kaufman, we hardly knew you! Or, at least, I didn't. I've always been told that Kaufman is the most mysterious man in Hollywood, which is annoying because he's also the most talented. But someone has undertaken the task of collecting all the information you could possibly want about Kaufman, and to this person, I am grateful. And by the way, if you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind yet, your life is incomplete. Go. Right now.
::Thanks to the WashPost for bitch-slapping Cargo Magazine in a way it deserves. Put simply: "Cargo might be the worst idea for a magazine in human history" And in the same article, it says of Lucky Magazine, "The apparent idea behind Lucky was simple: Women are too dumb to read magazine articles." Read this article, love it, and live by it.
:::Ol' b**** in London knew I was nice, I f***ed that b**** till she called me Sir Ice. Possible rhymes by Ice Cube after being knighted by the Queen.
::::I've never actually watched Law & Order, but this is amusing anyway.

Levitating midget surrounds himself with cute, underage girls!

Ok, so that's not what's really going on in this photo, but take a good look at that man's leg. It's... not there. Is he floating? What's going on? This is a photo from the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, and truth be told, he's a good guy -- whether he defies physics or not. He runs Becca's Closet, an organization that provides free formalware to high school students who can't afford dresses for homecoming and prom. Good cause, good idea, and a good opportunity to hover two feet above the ground.

West Virginia is our new Canada -- a land that just can't take a damn joke. The state's governor, Bob Wise, wrote Abercrombie & Fitch a letter yesterday that demanded it stopped selling -- and, indeed, completely destroy its entire stock of -- its "It's all relative in West Virginia" t-shirts. Wise is apparently a bit testy over this incest stereotype the state's been slapped with, but let's get serious here. It's just a t-shirt, pal. And if he didn't make a big stink over it, it wouldn't be showing up in the Associated Press and New York Times. Sales are surely going to skyrocket, and A&F has Wise to thank.

Now, if Wise really wanted to hit A&F, he's got plenty of reason to. Why not take them to task for sweatshop labor, or hell, for selling a cheap orange shirt with some black ink on it for $24.50? For its part, A&F responded with a very Howard Dean-like statement: "We love West Virginia. We love California, Florida, Connecticut, Hawaii and Nebraska, too." And then we're going to sell expensive crap in New Hampshire! And then in Ohio! And then we're going to sell a pair of socks for $36 in Utah! And $92 sweatpants in Texas! And in Alabama! And a pair of $72 boxers in South Dakota! Aieeeeeeeahhhh!   

I had this e-mail exchange with Rawstory.com, which is essentially a site of news links that bills itself as the "Liberal alternative to Drudge." The tagline bugged me, as you'll read below, and I wanted to know their rationale for it. I thought this was interesting enough to share:

Subj:   Why "The liberal alternative to Drudge"? Date:   3/21/2004 11:56:25 PM Eastern Standard Time From:  KNULPREK@aol.com To:      rawstory@yahoo.com Hello, I'd like to take a minute and address your tagline, "The liberal alternative to Drudge." I'm a liberal, I voted for Nader in the last election and I'll be voting for Kerry in this one. But despite my politics, I've become increasingly frustrated with the liberal movement's inability to offer self-initiated ideas. For the last four years, instead of offering the country new solutions, the liberal movement has done nothing but respond to the conservative movement. There's only one side on the political spectrum introducing new concepts, or gaining any forward momentum, and it's unfortunately the side that I think is bent on doing serious damage to this country. I think your tagline is so indicative of this problem, just like Al Franken's new radio show title, "The O'Franken Factor." Why can't his show act as its own platform, and not, as the title indicates, an automated response to conservatives? Why can't your site simply be a good news source, and not a stated response to a conservative news source? Do you see the distinction here? I'm curious to hear your rationalization for this tagline, and whether you think Rawstory would be more or less valuable as a straightforward initiative, and not a stated response to Drudge. Thank you, Jason Feifer                                            * * * * * * * * * * * * * Subj:   Re: Why "The liberal alternative to Drudge"? Date:   3/23/2004 11:00:19 AM Eastern Standard Time From:  rawstory@yahoo.com To:      KNULPREK@aol.com Thanks for your message. We chose Drudge as a means of comparison because of the type of site he operates, not so much because he is conservative. So far as I know, there are few major sites that operate on a news-link basis. If, for instance, we said the "liberal alternative to Google News," no one would know what we're talking about. Personally, I think there's nothing wrong with taking on conservatives on their own terms, using their own language. They've been using the word "liberal" in derogatory terms for years. And from the site, I think you'll find its very clear we have no connection to Drudge whatsoever, nor in terms of layout, as does the Drudge Retort. We use "Drudge" as a reference point because people are familiar with it, and it helps folks understand what it is we're doing. =john=

Monday, March 22

Table scraps:
:I know the Martha Stewart thing is over already, and quite frankly I hated it while it was going on, but this is too funny not to pass along.
::A few words about break-ups, from themorningnews's non-expert: People reach inside your chest and squeeze your little ticker with their fat sloppy fists, people who had plenty of faults, lemme tell you, like the lingering onion breath and a penis crooked as a boomerang. But still: You have to soldier on. Take this time to try new things. Like kayaking, or prostitutes.
:::Nothing soothes the soul like washing the feet of homeless people. Take it from Kelly Nilsson: "My mom thinks what I'm doing is gross, but I really like doing it." (Editorial note: I think Kelly and her peers are doing a great thing, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I agree with her mom. It's kind of gross. Maybe I'm just shallow.)
::::Hey everyone, it's March Madness! But, um, why?
:::::I don't really trust Americans to make the right decision this coming November, so I propose that we let the rest of the world decide for us.

They finally found weapons of mass destruction! Guns, bullets, bombs, and a lethal chemical cyanide bomb that could have killed thousands -- yes, it was all there all along. Except, uh, they weren't found in Iraq. They were found in Texas. And by Bush's doctrine, you know what this means, don't you? It's time to invade Texas, ensure a regime change, liberate its people and take over oil production. Hot damn, those freedom-haters in Texas won't know what hit 'em.

This is one sorry looking mascot.

Listen, the American Cancer Society does great things. And whatever it can do to get its name and cause into newspapers is just fine with me. But let's back up a minute and consider its "Polyp Man" mascot, which looks like a blood clot on St. Patrick's Day. If Polyp Man arrived at my hospital, I'd want to get rid of him as soon as possible -- and maybe that's the point. Actually, if that is the point, this is truly brilliant. Just like you want to get rid of a polyp -- a non-cancerous growth of tissue that often signals the onset of colon cancer -- you want to get rid of Polyp Man. The very presence of Polyp Man is a reminder of how very much you want him gone. In fact, look at Polyp Man's face up there. It looks like he's been gotten rid of a few too many times. Oh, you are a sorry sight, Polyp Man.

Table scraps:
:Eat all you want! Oops, ok, now you've eaten too much. Red Lobster does away with its all-you-can-eat option, because people were eating all they could.
::What's everyone so fucking afraid of? The FCC has decided that f-u-c-k is harmful to our nation, and now dopey old St. Petersburg, Florida, wants to fine promoters for any musical act who swears on stage. Time to break out the capes and big black hats, folks, because we're apparently Puritans again.
:::What does Weezer need besides an ego-check and the ability to put out something, anything, nearly as good as Pinkerton or the blue album? Clearly, they need Jay-Z. Together, they're Jay-Zeezer, putting together hits like December 4th (Say it ain't so).
::::Bush gets Burma-burned! Dubya had banned imports from Burma to punish its dictator, but that hasn't stopped his campaign from selling official merchandise made in Burma. Story here, photos here.
:::::What are your senator's favorite jokes? This guy posed as a fifth grade boy to find out.

What are we talking about here? A witch's brew? A new brand of Doritos? The cure for cancer? Take a read:

To deliver the required calcium, we add back Calcium Chloride into the product. Through detailed analysis, we discovered that our product did not meet our quality standards. Because of the high level of bromide contained in the Calcium Chloride, a derivate of bromide, bromate, was formed at a level that exceeded UK legal standards. This occurred during the ozonisation process we employ in manufacturing.

Any guesses? Here's the big stunner: that process above is all about water. You know, water. The stuff that used to be H2O, but is now something like H2O3DH4KAL. The above text is Coca-Cola's explanation for why it just pulled Dasani out of the UK market, after studies found that the water contains a cancer-causing agent. But, what does that explanation mean? Who knows. And quite frankly, that's the problem. When you buy bottled water, you deserve water, and not water with some crazy chemical and an ozonisation process. A what process? A no-longer-water process, that's what.

Hi, sorry for the delay. It's been a busy morning. While I go find things to rant about today, I'd advise that you hop over to this wonderfully simple game, in which you just move a red square around and try to avoid hitting the blue rectangles. I lasted 16.38 seconds. Good luck.

Thursday, March 18

This is downright fascinating. This database allows you to search for political contributors by name or address, and it will also tell you about your neighbors' political interests. A few fun things to note: People with the last name of Bush overwhelmingly support George Bush, the Kerrys love Kerry, but there is no consensus among people with the last name of Whitehouse about who they'd like to see inside the White House. Donald Trump has given $2,000 to both John Kerry and George Bush, and political contributions are hemorrhaging out of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Donald Trump, have you no shame? Clearly, no. 

You've done something obnoxious. More obnoxious, in fact, than your new line of bottled water, the label of which looks like you're selling it from the depths of hell. (maybe you are). More obnoxious than your reality TV show's opening segment, which the New York Times reminded us is based more in ego than fact:

The first episode of Donald Trump's new hit reality show "The Apprentice" began with an introduction. As usual, Mr. Trump did the honors. Over aerial views of Manhattan's glittering skyline, he intoned, "My name is Donald Trump and I'm the largest real estate developer in New York." The camera panned across Trump International Hotel and Tower at Columbus Circle, and he continued: "I own buildings all over the place, modeling agencies, the Miss Universe contest, jet liners, golf courses, casinos and private resorts like Mar-a-Lago." For millions of viewers, the show is an opportunity to watch 16 remarkably ambitious people compete for a $250,000-a-year job with Mr. Trump. But for those who follow the New York real estate market, the show provides something else: a hilarious look at Mr. Trump's blend of fact, image and sheer nerve. Even when the show plays a bit with the truth, it's an excellent primer -- sometimes unintentionally so -- on Mr. Trump's peculiar brand of success. To start with, the superlative-prone developer does own many valuable assets. And the Corcoran Group reports that 22 of the 50 most expensive apartments for sale in the city today are in buildings developed by Mr. Trump. But as far as his central claim to fame, he is not the largest developer in New York, nor does he own Trump International Hotel and Tower (he redeveloped the Columbus Circle skyscraper on behalf of GE Pension Trust for a tidy fee and a percentage of the stratospheric apartment prices). In Manhattan, he has developed 13 residential towers -- Trump Tower, Trump Palace, Trump World, etc. -- and about 4,100 apartments. Mr. Trump no longer owns the condominiums he built, although, by all reports, he continues to manage the buildings well. In contrast, consider the relatively invisible Leonard Litwin of Glenwood Management (developed and owns more than 5,000 apartments) or the Elghanayan brothers of Rockrose Development (developed and own 7,000 apartments in Manhattan and are starting construction of 3,500 on the Queens waterfront). And Stephen M. Ross of Related Companies has developed and managed 11,000 apartments in the city and has five projects with a total value of over $2.5 billion under construction, including Time Warner Center at Columbus Circle. (These are all private residential developers and owners; even they look small compared to some of their commercial counterparts.) In at least five follow-up phone calls to an interview, Mr. Trump insisted he is "by far the biggest builder in New York." "There might be some guy in Queens that sells more units," he said. "But one of my units sells for as much as three or four of their buildings." "The Apprentice," on Wednesday nights on NBC, includes a few more fudges: the Trump Organization's "boardroom" in Trump Tower, where one contestant is "fired" at the end of each episode, was constructed for the show; the company's real office is 22 floors above it. And the show's theme song, the O'Jays' 1970's hit "For the Love of Money," has morphed from a warning about greed, gold and celebrity into a paean to them. Two key lines were excised: "I know money is the root of all evil/ Do funny things to some people." (NYTimes, 1/25/04, "Due Diligence on the Donald")

So anyway, as I was saying. This might be more obnoxious than what we've just read above. What could be so obnoxious? You, Mr. Trump, think you deserve a trademark on the phrase "You're Fired." I'm not kidding. It's right here. Someone must have put you up to this. Who did it? Was it your hair? I bet it was your hair.

You seem like a fairly intelligent guy, Mr. Trump. Or, Donald. Can I call you Donald? What about Donny? How's about Donarooski? No? Ok, fine. Donald it is. Listen, Donald, you can't just go around owning everything. I understand you think that if you touch something, it's yours. I see that. You stick your name on things that aren't even yours -- the Trump International Hotel, for instance. But there are some limits here. People have been saying "You're fired" since money was invented -- and judging by your hair and saggy face, that was at least five or ten years before you were born.

Some things are just fair game. You know how you just started saying "You're fired," and didn't ask anybody to do it? Wasn't that neat? That's how language works. You just go and use it, and then drop it off. Like a hooker, Donald. Think of it like a hooker. You wouldn't want to own a hooker, would you? No, too much time. Too much effort. She'll get lipstick all over your fine wine glasses. No, the hooker is good for a little bit, but after a while, you've just got to let her go. Let her go, Donald. Let her go.

Table scraps:
:If your doorbell rings, don't be surprised if it's disgraced reporter Jayson Blair trying to hawk his hack-job of a book. The thing has only sold 1,386 copies -- and that's after he took his freakshow on the road, leaping from TV talkshow to talkshow. Nobody cares about you, Blair. Not even when you dispute a NY Times review of your book. Go away, and go away now.
::Is there a "No Duh" rule to cancel lawsuits? Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see a penis enlargement pill company get sued because their product is worthless, but let's be honest here: does this guy really deserve any money for believing penis enlargement advertisements? No.
:::Don't say barbituate, say barbiturate. And don't say cannidate, say candidate. And no more of this persnickety, it's pernickety. And here are 97 more of the most commonly mispronounced English words.
::::She says: the Diet Coke's coolness contrasted with the steam of the shower makes for an invigorating wake up that I'd recommend to the groggiest of non-morning people. Translation: the Cult of Diet Coke is out of control.

Hooray for weird challenges. A man collected $100 after friends bet him he couldn't walk from Kennewick, Wash., to Helix, Ore. "I'm fat and everybody said I couldn't do it," he said. "They picked Helix. I had no idea where it was, and I didn't get a chance to look at a map. I just knew it was east of the Tri-Cities and south of Walla Walla." And in Florida, a 17-year-old boy jumped out a two-story window, after his teacher bet him he couldn't do it. Meanwhile, I'm prepared to eat just one Lays potato chip, so get ready to start paying up, you Frito-Lay corporate bastards.

If you're in the southern hemisphere, Asia or Europe, go outside tonight and try finding a 100-foot asteroid that will come within record-breaking distance of the Earth: 26,500 miles. No need to pop in your spare copy of Armageddon to see how Bruce Willis would survive this ordeal; it's not going to hit us. And if it did, it would probably burn up in the atmosphere anyway.

Wednesday, March 17

Table scraps:
:"The stench sometimes stays with me for days," says a judge for an annual rotten sneaker contest. "It's like a flashback"
::There's too much reality in Philadelphia, so MTV's Real World has decided to go elsewhere.
:::Driving, driving, driving, turning, stopped at a red light, now it's a green light, driving, driving, HOLY MOLEY IT'S BIN LADEN! STEP ON IT! ....oops.
::::Eeeeeewwwww. This from an angry stripper: "No I will not let you just 'slip it in real quick' for 50 more bucks. If you're going to proposition me, at least don't insult my worth."
:::::Watch out for the odorless, tasteless chemical that's deadly if inhaled. One California city tried to ban it, but then they realized it's water.

Dear Abby, Is it hard being so lame and out of touch?

I have a few guilty pleasures: the comic strip Brenda Starr, reading scathing music and movie reviews, and until recently, watching Average Joe. These are things I know are bad, but I just can't help liking. Then there's Dear Abby, a column that's so bad -- so unbelivably bland and meaningless -- that I can't find any enjoyment in it. I've tried. I tried reading it and finding humor, but found none. I tried finding humanity, and found none. Instead, I found bad advice from a woman who, it seems, hasn't left the house since 1964.

And so, it was with great pleasure that I read a recent Dear Abby column in which writer Jeanne Phillips gets duped by someone named "Stuck In A Love Triangle," who poses a question straight out of a Simpsons episode. Here's an AP story about it, and here's the actual letter and response:

Dear Abby: I am 34 and have three children. My husband, "Gene," and I have been married for 10 years. He is greedy, selfish, inconsiderate and rude. I don't know why I married him, nor why our marriage has lasted this long. Gene put off getting me a birthday gift for as long as he could; then he bought me a bowling ball. It was the last straw. Not only do I not bowl -- he had the holes drilled for his fingers and his name was on it. The next day I went to the bowling alley determined to keep the ball and learn to bowl. It was there that I met "Franco." Franco is kind, considerate and loving -- the polar opposite of Gene. Franco and I began bowling together, and he bought me a glove in my size with my name on it. Shortly thereafter, our affair began. (I didn't mention that I was married.) When Gene saw the bowling glove on our dresser, he became depressed because he realized that I'd met someone. I feel sorry for Gene, but the last time I saw Franco, he proposed. I no longer love Gene. I want to divorce him and marry Franco. At the same time, I'm worried that Gene won't be able to move on with his life. I also think our kids would be devastated. What should I do? -- Stuck In A Love Triangle Dear Stuck: You are not "stuck" in a love triangle. You deliberately put yourself into one by not being honest with Franco. Before you get in any deeper, put your house in order and tell your husband why you strayed. He may not realize how selfish, greedy, inconsiderate and rude you think he is. To save the marriage, he might be willing to change back to the man who bowled you over in the first place. Next, apologize to Franco for not informing him of the fact that you are already married. He has a right to know the score -- and after that, que sera sera.

Oh, Abby. You thought you were funny with all those bowling puns, didn't you? Too bad you were wrong. You're a dope.

Immediate? No, I said "I'm mediate." Donald Rumsfeld is going to have to come up with something good to help him out of this one. He went on national television this Sunday and said nobody in the Bush administration ever called Saddam an "immediate threat," and then got slapped with two of his own quotes, one of which actually used the words "immediate threat." Check out the video clip, which MoveOn sent out on its mailing list today. It would have been nice if they let the clip run a bit longer, but it's still fun to watch Rumsfeld squirm.

There's something very impressive about being able to peer onto the streets of faraway lands. I'm sure most webcams are being used by teenage girls who look somber, show some cleavage and then ask their viewers for a few bucks, but I must say that I'm more impressed by webcams like this one, which shows the streets of Tehran, Iran. It's not that I can get much information out of it, except that I now know that at 10:24 a.m. EST, it's getting dark in Tehran and traffic is heavy. And here's a traffic cam from Worcester, Mass, from the point of view of the main offices of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, which I write for. Oh, and here's a bunch of surf cams from Australia. One time a few years ago, I visited that site and watched the sun rise in Australia. Why? Because I could.

I saw Noam Chomsky speak a few days ago, and nearly fell asleep. In fact, I think I may have, considering there are large holes in my memory of his speech. He was giving a speech on the topic of "Our enemy, ourselves" -- or, as Republicans would call it, "Blame America First" -- in which he explained how much of the violence we're fighting today actually started with us. It's an interesting topic, although not a particularly new one. But what bothered me most wasn't that Noam failed to inject anything particularly unique into the discussion, but that he spoke with the Professor Accent.

In the two years since I've graduated college, I had forgotten all about the Professor Accent -- and then Noam brought it back with a roaring thud. The Professor Accent is when professors talk about a subject with total nonchalance, using as much vocal inflection as they would when reading the instructions on a coffee maker. Their voice emphasizes nothing. Everything they say, it seems, is unimpressive and old. They've heard it all before, and while you may be hearing it for the first time, you must remember: they've heard it all before. "You think this is interesting?" they say. "Hah. I've heard it before."

The Professor Accent physically cripples me. I fought to stay away during college classes, even if I got plenty of sleep that night, and I fought to stay awake during Noam's talk. Somehow, my mind is lulled to sleep by the mono-toned streamline of facts and observations. Why can't professors talk like normal people talk? Why can't they explain things with excitement and energy, or at the very least, some level of humanity? They're hired to help students understand the material, but they often function like human versions of the books read in class. it's. very. difficult. to. learn. when. the. professor. does. not. give. any. indication. of. what. facts. are. important. and. what. facts. are. mundane. zzzzzzzz.

Tuesday, March 16

Table scraps:
:Meet Jamie. His desire to be on Donald Trump's Ego-a-thon -- er, I mean, The Apprentice -- has prompted him to set up this stupid website. More important, though, is the striking similarity between this Jamie fellow and Lex Luther from Smallville.
::Well, here's someone who won't be needing Viagra any time soon.
:::Hey Donald Rumsfeld, something looks different about you. What is it? Oh, it must be a new suit you're wearing. No? Ok, um, you got a nose job. No? Did you get a tan? No? Well jeez, what is it?
::::Dubya hasn't checked his e-mail in a while, nor has he checked the definiton of the word recession.
:::::Is there anything that an Internet connection can't be offered through? We've got our phone lines pumping out Internet, our cable lines pumping out Internet, wireless Internet connections, and coming soon, our electrical outlets will be Internet-ready as well. It's a pretty neat idea, though, and will hopefully drive down the absurd price of basic connections. It will also probably electrocute a few stupid people, but that's ok. They'll just call 911 (see next item).

"Thanks for calling 911, how stupid are you today?" The answer: pretty stupid, at least if you were one of these unfortunate fellows. Stupid number one: what happens when you try to commit suicide by nailing yourself to a cross? Well, you nail one hand down, realize you can't nail your other hand, and then call 911. Stupid number two: what happens when you cut yourself while breaking into a store, and then can't figure out how to open the cash register? Well, you steal some cigarettes, get beaten up by some guys in a sports car, bleed on yourself, and then call 911.

Finally, someone starts asking Jayson Blair the questions he deserves. No more of this Chris Matthews love-fest (see March 12 entry). After hitting the talk-show circuit to sell his crap-ass book, "Burning Down My Master's House," in which he makes money and gains additional ego-stroking attention for being one of the most dishonest reporters of all time, Blair sits down with The Black Table, where they hit him with a big ton of bricks:

BT: Here's a question--would you rather be a slave or a big fucking liar with no credibility, friends, or people who trust you? JB: A big liar with no credibility, friends or people who trust me. But I ain't that yet. I wish none of this had happened. BT: You're almost there. Would you rather burn down a house full of children with cancer or be a big fucking liar with no credibility, friends, or people who trust you? JB: A big liar with no credibility, friends or people who trust me.

Hey Mel, how many Jewish people do you love?

Oh, silly Mel, Jesus doesn't count!

What does the Interior Secretary of the Bush Administration do? Well, whatever it is, it doesn't involve interior design. Jessica Simpson didn't get that memo, though. When she met Interior Secretary Gale Norton in the White House on Sunday, she said, "You've done a nice job decorating the White House." Note to terrorists: when Jessica Simpson and George Bush are in the same building, we'll look the other way if you want to drop a bomb or two.

Monday, March 15

Table scraps:
:Some men dream of fame. Others dream of creating the world's largest ball of paint.
::China discovers the downside of sending a man into orbit: it must finally confront the ugly fact that its Great Wall cannot, in fact, be seen from space.
:::For future reference, here's eight ways not to get hit in the face with a brick.
::::To break even, spammers need 1 in every 10,000 people e-mailed to actually buy something. Meet Mr. Soto, that one guy.
:::::Has Bill O'Reilly stopped telling people to shut up? Maybe, but he's still an asshole.

It's too bad that cryonics enthusiast John Henry Williams, who fought to freeze the body of Ted Williams, his baseball legend father, died before hearing news of this: a lobster company has found that some of the lobsters it freezes will come back to life after being thawed. This is undeniably creepy. I wonder what the lobster was thinking before and after the big freeze. Gotta pinch things. Gotta pinch things. Gotta pi-- ------------------ --nch things. Gotta pinch things...

When you turn on the television news, you expect to see crap. But, do you expect to see government propaganda? Expect again, my good friend. Federal investigators are looking into a series of faux-news videos released by the Bush administration, which feature a fake reporter talking to fake pharmacists about how delightfully wonderful the new Medicare law is. The videos have already been aired in Oklahoma and Louisiana. Here are some details from the NY Times:

Two videos end with the voice of a woman who says, "In Washington, I'm Karen Ryan reporting." But the production company, Home Front Communications, said it had hired her to read a script prepared by the government. Another video, intended for Hispanic audiences, shows a Bush administration official being interviewed in Spanish by a man who identifies himself as a reporter named Alberto Garcia. Another segment shows a pharmacist talking to an elderly customer. The pharmacist says the new law "helps you better afford your medications," and the customer says, "It sounds like a good idea." Indeed, the pharmacist says, "A very good idea." The government also prepared scripts that can be used by news anchors introducing what the administration describes as a made-for-television "story package." In one script, the administration suggests that anchors use this language: "In December, President Bush signed into law the first-ever prescription drug benefit for people with Medicare. Since then, there have been a lot of questions about how the law will help older Americans and people with disabilities. Reporter Karen Ryan helps sort through the details."

This might explain why the Bush administration is giving newly reelected President Vladimir Putin a pass in Russia, even though the guy hijacked the media and blocked his opponents from freely campaigning. But perhaps the Bushies are just using the same logic they use to attack their opponents: just as people against Bush are unpatriotic, people against Putin must be unpatriotic as well. After all, as National Security Advisor Condi Rice said on Meet the Press, "I don't have any doubt that Vladimir Putin is completely committed to his country and to its best interests." That's right: Bush and Putin, both manipulating the media because they love their countries.

The only interesting exchange to come out of this was when Secretary of State Colin L. Powell said he was "concerned about the way (Russia's) election is being held," to which Putin responded, "Four years ago, we watched in bewilderment how the US election system was failing." Oh, SNAP! How you like them apples?

Saturday, March 13

Bush should have listened to Austin Powers: "It's a man, baby! A man!" Yesterday, in an International Women's Week speech honoring women reformers, he said, "Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy." Problem is, Fathi Jahmi is a man. And to make things even better, he's listed as a man on a U.S. House of Representatives Committee on International Relations website.

You think you live in a crappy place? Try Valley County, Montana, where a quarter of the population is senior citizens, the seasons are all dreadful, the animals are all dying and the Sheriff says of the place, "You feel like the life has gone out of you. Just like one of those antelope, you want to lay down and die." Here's some of the seasonal pleasantries the Washington Post discovered when it took a visit:

• Grapefruit-size hailstones. On July 21, 1999, a hailstorm smashed car windshields across the county. Paul Monson, who owns a bar in Glasgow, went outside in the storm and a hailstone caught him square on the head. He told the Glasgow Courier that he absorbed "a good-sized cut that bled a lot." • Mosquitoes. Julie Adolphson, meteorologist in charge at the National Weather Service office in Glasgow, went on a three-mile run last summer but forgot to oil up with mosquito repellent. When the run was over, she counted 40 mosquito bites on one leg. At Sunnyside Golf & Country Club, it is not uncommon to see players who dare wear shorts walk off the 18th green with mosquito-drawn blood streaming down their legs. • Heat followed by cold followed by heat. The record high temperature in Valley County is 113 degrees -- but weeks of 100-plus days are not uncommon. The record cold is 59 degrees below zero -- but weeks of 30 to 40 below are routine. In every season, Valley County residents can expect sustained winds of 20 to 40 mph. The National Weather Service doesn't bother with a wind warning until it blows 40 mph for three hours.