Tuesday, August 17

Table scraps:
:Attention slacker college students: you can now be biologically reprogrammed to work like a dog. Or, uh, a monkey.
::Hot nude one-on-one action! That is, one-on-one basketball. (The link is just a news story, folks, not a photo gallery. Don't get too excited. But if you do want some yappity-yap about a more explicit nudity-sports combo, check here.)
:::It's about time somebody leveled the playing field. There are, of course, plenty of delightful mail-order brides out there, but now the lonely women of the world can get their hands on a mail-order husband.
::::You know Jane Barbe's voice. She's a source of encouragement in your life. When you screw up, she wants you to hang up and to try your call again.
:::::Ok, sorry, Table Scraps have to be short today because I already overslept and I need to go to work. Better stuff tomorrow.

Monday, August 16

Seeing isn't beleiving
If you've watched the Olympics so far, you've surely noticed that the competition is unrolling in front of just about nobody. The seats are emptier than a rainy outdoor Milli Vanilli reunion concert. This is nothing new, though. Even four years ago in Sydney, before all this fear of terrorism, free tickets were given away because the International Olympic Committee was concerned there weren't enough people in the stands. They're doing that now in Athens.

Friday, August 13

OH MY GOD, MR. PRESIDENT! DUCK!!

...actually, on second thought, just stay there thinking like you did in the classroom on 9/11. (And yes, that photo is totally not photoshopped. Nor, of course, is this one, of him punching a rugby player.)

Table scraps:
:I really hope this is something that gets a lot of media play: a non-partisan government agency is releasing a report today that shows Dubya's tax cuts have shifted the tax burden from the wealthy to the middle class. The problem with this president doesn't get clearer than that.
::While out on a temporary release 15 years into serving a life sentence in prison, a rapist in England enters the lottery and wins £7 million. Does he get to keep the winnings? Nobody's too sure.
:::After many phone calls and e-mails, Jenny finally got her number.
::::Not a word of this is made up: "Kansas City police have taken a licking for a new program that rewards motorists who drive safely by stopping them and giving them coupons for free ice cream."
:::::"I walked past the town house I used to live in on West 61st Street, and I kept thinking: 'That's who I was. I was a somebody with a chauffeur, a limo, a town house. Now I sleep on a floor.' " And so it goes for Al Goldstein, the man who pioneered porn. (And here's a classy photo of him.)
::::::America has 53 states, World War II began in 1938, and the Senate is only for Democrats. At least, that's what you'd learn at this school for immigrants.
:::::::And you may ask yourself, what the hell is this? That's a good question. (And while you're looking at small animated gifs, watch this one as well.)
:::::::This is the most genius marketing technique ever -- well, if you're selling stuff from America in France. If it were the other way around, all the blowhards would blow so hard we'd have another war by next Tuesday.

Thursday, August 12

Announcing a new little feature thingy
Yesterday, a third person found this page after google searching a very raunchy porn title that I happened to mention in a previous entry (see table scraps, Aug. 9). And that got me thinking: maybe it would be fun to share some of the really irreverent google searches that somehow land people on my site. Really, there are new ones every day. And so, on the left column, between the other happyscrappy links and my makeshift blogroll, you'll now find a section i like to call STRANGEST GOOGLE SEARCH THAT LED SOMEONE TO THIS  SITE (OF THE DAY). Enjoy.

How to write for television news
This very weird story -- about a woman who was on a couch for so many years that her skin literally grafted to the fabric -- reads awkwardly. That's because it is written the way a television newscast would be read, which turns out to be a fairly good insight on how to make nay news story sound sensational enough for television. Let's try it, shall we?

Example (aka, the lead from the above story): A dramatic rescue ended tragically in Stuart, Florida, a rescue so difficult firefighters say they have never seen anything like it. It happened late Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning at the home of a 600-pound woman who was having trouble breathing. Strep throat vaccine: An ages-old struggle may be coming to a close, a struggle that has gone on so long that people died in the process. It happened yesterday, when researchers claimed victory in the fierce fight against strep throat, a deadly killer that kills people until they're dead. Motorola's financial woes: One company took a beating in the stock market yesterday, a beating that some experts say could be bruising. It happened yesterday, when Motorola Inc.'s stock fell 5 percent, a fall that might just keep on falling. Man named poet laureate: Ted Kooser has been writing since he learned how to write, and that writing paid off -- big time. It happened yesterday, when Kooser was named this country's new poet laureate, a high-profile gig that some experts say is so high that even a poet would know it.

Anyway, you get the point.

Table scraps:
:With a guy named Hu as your president, China has been the victim of many a pun. ("Hu's on first," for example.) But if you're really devoted to a punny China, don't forget to take a tour of cities in China that start with p-u-n.
::Try imagining something awful. Not funny-awful, just awful. Like, say, family members killing each other. Now, make it extreme -- like, killing each other at a wedding. Now, make it absurd -- for instance, serving the body to unknowing wedding guests. But really, could fiction ever be stranger than fact?
:::Michael Moore still hasn't responded to the Illinois newspaper's claims that he manipulated its front page. Bad move, Mike. We, the people who went to see your movie and loved it -- or, I guess, hated it -- deserve an explanation.
::::Who the hell over at the Boston Globe let this guy write about music? Here's a review of, I think, Rush. But, I'm not really sure, because the writer spends most of the time writing about crappy high school band concerts.
:::::Overly bored cops, or overly strict laws? What is the reason for two kids being arrested, booked, shackled, and then hauled into juvenile court for skateboarding?
::::::St. Augustine, Florida got all excited when they thought Ringo Starr was staying in town. The local paper even wrote a story about it. But, alas, it was just a chubby guy with a gotee.
:::::::That New York Times reporter you see strolling the streets of Baghdad may not be packing heat, but there's a chance the guy two feet away is.
::::::::Toys 'R' Us is poised to become Toys Aren't Us.
:::::::::Huckapoo: the most anonymous, still-in-production, teeny-teeny-bopper girl group you could hope for. Here's the scoop.

The mating habits of men on a mission
One's the suspected murderer of his wife and unborn child. The other is a lobster. Here are their mating habits. And be honest -- which one is smoother?

Scott Peterson: (Account of him seducing a single woman, Amber Frey, while his wife was at home) Peterson first took her to an intimate dinner at a fancy sushi bar, where he paid extra for a private room, she said. He then asked her to come back to his room at the Radisson Hotel so he could change. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring, Frey said. Once in the room, he suddenly produced a bottle of champagne and box of strawberries from his leather bag. (from NY Post) "[He] put one [strawberry] in each of our glasses," Frey said. "I remember eating one. They were a little bit sour." A lobster: The female sprays urine into the male's apartment, basically drugging him into submission. Then she moves in with him and gets PMS--premolting syndrome. She gets irritable, shoves a lot of gravel around the place. He is understanding and tender; he waits until she molts, until her legs can stand, then he turns her on her back and mounts her. The female has a seminal receptacle, a kind of fanny pack. The male guides his swimmerets down into the pouch. Then he rolls some sperm packets into a plug for her seminal receptacle so no other males can get there. (from US News and World Report)

Wednesday, August 11

Table scraps:
:Ok, it may not be your thing, but you still must admit: what you see here are some really nice tits.
::Is this photographic proof that the world of television is skewed in one very distinct way -- that only in tv-land, as this website says, hot chicks love fat schlubs?
:::What? You don't want to buy a bag of poop? Well, I think you just haven't been told of how wonderful it is. Hit it, boys.
::::"Gonna rob, gonna rob, gonna steal and be rich and take all these ignorant people's money, gonna find the jewels, gonna find the cash, gonna.... oooh, mini corndogs!"
:::::What does it look like when two men who hate each other hug? Probably a lot like this.
::::::That's it. I'm threatening a lawsuit until I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair. It worked for Reese, right?
:::::::Adobe got its name from the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock. IBM was started by an ex employee of National Cash Register, and to one-up them in all respects he called his company International Business Machines. At least, that's according to this list of company name origins.

Hey, you win negative sympathy points!
Julie Prive was a clerk at a market in 2002, and began collecting discarded losing scratch tickets. One day, though, she picked up a ticket and discovered what its buyer hadn't -- that it was worth $4 million. Then along comes Raymond MacDonald, who claims he was the one who bought the ticket, and is therefore entitled to the money. His proof? He claims he has a distinctive "scratch signature" that is on the ticket. (I wonder, is is markings made by a penny?)

Anyway, the ticket clearly belongs to Julie, the clerk. Whoever threw it away -- MacDonald or someone else -- lost the rights to it when they tossed it. But what makes this case even more pathetic is that MacDonald isn't some guy down on his luck. He won $2 million from a scratch ticket a few years ago!  A jury would -- and should -- throw tomatoes at this man.

Tuesday, August 10

Does this explain why my bills are all wet?

I ran across this box while going online to pay my credit card bill, and it really bothered me. Maybe it was because I had just gotten off the phone with mbna customer service, and the guy was totally unable to help me. Or, maybe it was because I don't really like credit cards. But either way, I saw that box and exclaimed out loud: Oh, come on, the fucking dog isn't fetching any bills.

Petty, yes. But really now. This isn't a company seeking an animal mascot, a la Aflac's duck. It's marketing a service to people who are already customers, and I just can't imagine anybody would begin to use it because they were charmed by a stock photo of a dog. Scout ain't fetching nothing, and we all know it. Don't treat me like a moron, mbna -- just tell me you can collect bills and send them to me. The gimmick is insulting.

Table scraps:
:If you enjoy hiking, did some form of home improvement in the past year, and own your own weight-lifting equipment, then statistically speaking, you probably listen to NPR's Public Radio Weekend.
::There's probably one person out there who just really loves writing about the ins and outs of money laundering. And I hope that person sees this ad.
:::Our high-profile public servants and pundits may be talking about war right now, but very few of them have actually seen it from behind the barrel of a gun. Here's a great list of who's served in the military, and who hasn't.
::::"I kind of said to myself, "Is this guy for real?'" Police chief is stunned when a drunk driver pulls him over, and asks to be arrested.
:::::You may all recall Dubya proudly claiming that he doesn't read a single newspaper a day, and instead relies on aides to tell him what's going on in the world. So, what a relief it is to hear that Kerry reads at least four or five a day.

Monday, August 9

Why not just come right out and say it?

I saw the ad on the right on Gawker.com, and thought what I'm sure just about everyone else who sees it thinks: is this a not-so-subtle ad seeking fat women? I mean, I don't mean to be crass or anything, but what else can be deduced by it? When a person who isn't attractive is being set up on a blind date, the common joke is that they have a great personality. And here, itTakes2 takes it another step towards the obvious -- a big personality! Then there's the arms. Every other dating ad I've ever seen features some impossibly beautiful person -- the type who, I think it's fair to say, simply doesn't need a dating service. But here, there's no body. There's no face. There's just arms. Arms reaching out for a big bowl of pudding, or maybe a steak. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the ad, and was brought to a page whose banner contained this graphic: Maybe she has a big personality, but it's probably not the first thing most guys are thinking. So, what's the deal? Is she misleading, or is the ad?

Table scraps:
:And here I thought I was posting something totally obscure. In yesterday's Table Scraps, I linked an imdb listing for a porno called "1,001 Ways to Eat My Jizz, Part 3: Biscuits and Gravy Edition," which I figured nobody would have ever heard of. By 9 a.m. this morning, two people had found my page after doing a Google search for the movie's title. I hope I'm not the only one disturbed by that.
::This website claims you'll be watching, "The Balloon Man movie (9mb quicktime), meant to peak your interest in the Balloon Man CD, an impending SharpeWorld release." But the entire time, you'll be thinking only one thing: What the hell is happening here?
:::Here's a really interesting WashPost piece about how American forces are dealing -- or, really, trying to deal -- with remaining Taliban fighters, who scare villagers and hide among the rocks.
::::Two great and highly useful guides at McSweeneys: how to tell if you're another Vietnam, and how to know if you're overhearing 50 Cent lyrics or if someone is actually threatening your life.
:::::How many hoops must a gorilla jump through, before it can see a damn dentist? (Alright, so that's not as lyrical as Bob's version, but whatever.)
:::::::Bobby Fischer wants to renouce his U.S. citizenship. And for those of you wishing to do the same, here's how.
::::::::Here it is, the mathematical formula we've all been waiting for: (es+u+cs+t) squared +s+ (tl+f)/2 + (a+dr+fs)/n + sin x - 1. That, of course, is how to determine the scaryness of a movie. Because, you know, nobody actually sits down and watches movies anymore, so it's good we have something else to do the judging for us.

Don't get caught somewhere in middle America
Omaha has practically declared war on prostitute customers, since the names of arrested johns will be posted on downtown billboards. A woman with a local activist group supports the idea because prostitution "devastates neighborhoods as well as families, she said." But I wonder what hurts a family more -- a father privately getting arrested for using a prostitute, or his name publicly being broadcast, thus bringing the entire city's attention upon his family? Before, his family could deal with things quietly; now, the pressure is on. Everyone knows. Everyone's watching. So, again, what's doing more damage to neighborhoods and families -- the crime, or the punishment?

Technology for the socially inept
Two cell phone companies are offering "Escape-A-Date" calls, in which an automated service will call you at a pre-set time to give you an excuse to skip out on a particularly bad date. And while that's sort of stupid -- come one, you can't figure out a way to do this without the help of a company? -- the actual service is the one lacking in common sense. Take a read, and consider what's lacking (this from an AP story):

With both Cingular's Escape-A-Date and Virgin Mobile's Rescue Ring service, a customer can arrange to be called at a set time, using the cell keypad. When the cell rings, one of Cingular's eight "emergency" messages says: "Hey, this is your Escape-A-Date call. If you're looking for an excuse, I got it. Just repeat after me, and you'll be on your way! 'Not again! Why does that always happen to you? ... All right, I'll be right there.' Now tell 'em that your roommate got locked out, and you have to go let them in. Good luck!"

Can you guess what's missing? It's simple common sense. Most cell phone volumes are set really high -- a product, I believe, of cell phone designs such as the flip-phone, which really are not made to comfortably rest on a face, therefore forcing a person to hike up the volume. And since everything's so loud, a person close enough to any cell phone -- say, like, across the table on a date -- is sure to hear it.

So, there you are, chatting away on what you think is a fairly good date, and suddenly your date's cell phone rings. He answers. You hear, from across the table, somebody on the phone say, "Hey, this is your Escape-A-Date call..." Either way, I suppose, that's the end of the evening. But if your date wanted to end things awkwardly, did he really need to enlist Cingular to do it?

Saturday, August 7

Table scraps:
:Sometimes I just want to curl into the fetal position and quietly weep for humanity. Someone rather witty has reviewed the unbelivably gratutiously titled "1,001 Ways to Eat My Jizz, Part 3: Biscuits and Gravy Edition" on imdb.
::The WashPost television reporter makes a great point: the networks said they wouldn't heavily cover the conventions because they're just infomercials with no new news, but now they're all devoting portions of their Friday newsmagazines to infomercials for products they profit from.
:::The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. A fitting tribute to the nice guys of the world.
::::Although it's an impressive gesture, the airport is probably not the place to be a tough guy and tear off your shirt Hulk Hogan-style.
:::::Here's why politics and babies should really never mix.
::::::A company in Texas is running with a fairly old idea: dinner and a movie, in one. But what I was most impressed with is the local "Mr. Sinus Theater," in which comedians sit in front of the screen and make fun of the movie. It's obviously a rip-off of the tv show "Mystery Science Theater," and I love that htey named it in homage of that.

Friday, August 6

Anti-pornography, anti-intelligence?
Oh, this is just priceless. Playboy.com posted a "Women of Home Depot" feature, and then some idiots on Long Island showed up at a local Home Depot to protest. "We are asking Home Depot to get out of the porn business," said Robert Lloyd, executive director of the anti-porn group, Long Island Citizens for Community Values. Your wish is granted, Robby: Home Depot had nothing to do with the feature, just like every company ever featured in a "Women of..." section have nothing to do with it.

What did you think, that Home Depot gathered up its female employees and sent them to Playboy? Maybe they had a little fashion show over by the bug spray department first? Or -- oh! oh! I know! -- perhaps they tried on all the aprons near the outdoor grill section, and customers voted like they were on hotornot.com. Come on, Robbo! Somebody here is a little too obsessed with porn, and it isn't Home Depot or women in Playboy.

Table scraps:
:These people are looking for a good place to eat. Instead, though, they should really look for a fourth grade english teacher.
::Topeka needs a few kind words, but it may not find them from Topekans.
:::Traveling is fun, right? Maybe, but England doesn't want to hear it.
::::He literally cannot control that vanity. It seeps out of every movement of his lips, it squeezes through every tight-lipped grimace. Every grin is a study in smugsmanship. Norman Mailer takes on Dubya's face. (And now, from the privacy of your own home, you can too.) (And hey, while we're on the Bush-bashing, here's a great actual quote from the guy, spoken yesterday.)
:::::Here is a great, sober piece from a writer trying to get over the death of her old friend. Sad, insightful, take a read.
::::::I was really unimpressed with Burger King's subservient chicken web advertisement, but now something good has come of it: a parody called subservient president.
:::::::Nothing says "lonely" like buying a stuffed torso called the "Boyfriend Arm Pillow" to snuggle with on those cold, lonely nights.
::::::::Fun with book titles? Fun with book titles! Fun with book titles.

Texas, prepare thyself for teenage mommies
Have you ever read stories about people who live under the dark cloud of a dictatorship, where all the media is controlled by the government? I often wonder what it's like in these lands, where people have no concept of what is actually happening in the world, and instead have only warped and narrow views that have been filtered by what they're permitted to read. Well, if some people have their way, that's how children in Texas will learn about sex. Their sex ed textbooks will have no information about condoms, or the pill, or really anything other than some sort of meaningless abstinance message.

I'm sorry, I know I've gone on and on about this topic a dozen times before, but still -- if this happens, Texan children won't be told how to have sex safely. Then they'll hit puberty, and have sex anyway. At that point, here's the only thing they'll have taken away from their sex ed books: that condoms don't exist, that birth control doesn't exist, and that sex is a risk -- and one they're willing to take. That's a great message, Texas. You should be proud -- disabling your children so you can blindly hold on to your outdated beliefs. Yee-haw.

Thursday, August 5

Note to NYC: not everybody cares
I like New York City. But I hate New York City's attitude that it is the cultural center -- nay, the cultural vortex -- of the world. Remember that "Sex and the City" episode where Miranda prepares to move to Brooklyn -- Brooklyn! Like, down the road. -- and her friends freak out as if she's moving to Mongolia? Well, that's what I don't like about NYC. (Oh, and the constant best-bagels-and-best-pizza claims. It ain't true, kids. But if it makes you happy...)

Anyway, Gawker.com had a great observation today about how this mentality seeped into the New York Times. The story? The further people live from NYC, the less their newspapers write about terrorist threats to NYC. Breaking news? Shocking? To New Yorkers, probably. I can't imagine the mental anguish a New Yorker would feel if she or he traveled to, say, Boise, and discovered that the people there actually care about things that happen in Boise. "Boise?" the New Yorker would scream, eyes narrowed in confusion. "But, have you seen Boise? It's so boring here! How can you care about this? Here, your poor souls, let me tell you about the meat-packing district..."

You don't like it, or it doesn't like you?
I was idly reading this little rant about the difficulties of hosting dinner parties for people with such varied diets, and came across a line that needs public praise. The author is discussing people who should not be accomidated at a party, and lists the top culprit as: those who pretend to have food allergies as an underhanded way to make sure they are never served something they don’t like. I know someone who claims up and down that she’s allergic to oregano, and I also know her claims are not true. A gal like that gives real food-allergy sufferers a bad name. Amen to that! (Not that I have any serious food allergies, but I'll freely speak for those who do.)

Chicago, your train has arrived
My friend Jon started a great online journal called This is Grand, which is "chronicling the stories that take place on our city's finest social institution." That is, the public transit system. It turns out, when you design a system in which strangers share the same space, they're not always civil and predictable. Who would'a thunk? In particular, check out this story of flying fruit and this one about an Indian healing ceremony.

Wednesday, August 4

Table scraps:
:Wow, I have a lot of respect for Ted Turner after reading this piece he wrote. It's a good summary of the FCC's media rules, and gives an interesting perspective from his spot in the media mogul's seat.
::This is straight out of a B-rate movie: a woman is called to the witness stand, and summons her alter-ego -- a child named Jimmy -- who admits to armed robbery.
:::NPR's Bob Edwards has found something new to do with his time -- satellite radio. And lest you wonder why he took the gig, perhaps it's worth considering the name of the show: "The Bob Edwards Show."
::::Sunni and Cher? Weird Al Sadr? Yes, it's just two of the exciting performers at the Iraqi Insurgency Variety Show!
:::::"What really struck me is how the American administration was able to manipulate the American people," said one woman. "How can a government do that?" "Fahrenheit 9/11" opens in Lebanon. (Oh, and while we're on the subject of Lebanon, I hope you don't have many questions for the Beirut airport, because it doesn't really have any answers.)
::::::So, let's get this straight. First, the Vatican denounces feminism (see Monday's entries), and yesterday, it announces a new sports department. What, is tomorrow Dress Up Like Christ Day? What the hell is going on over there? Who's in charge of that operat... oh, right. Ok, so now do we now have an argument for why popes should be able to retire?

From the Unintentional Innuendo Department:
The New Yorker has a great little piece about the Boston Herald's coverage of the DNC, which laid out the absurd degree to which it went to make the Democrats look bad. But particularly noteworthy is this (presumably unintentional) sexual wordplay by Globe editor Marty Baron. In response to the Herald editor's description of the Globe's DNC coverage -- "We knew that the Globe was going to give it a big blow job." -- Marty said, "Folks at the Herald can bloviate all they want, but the truth is that a lot more people in this region buy the Globe than the Herald." You say blow job. I say bloviate. Let's call the whole thing off.

Wait, wait, we've got a black guy too!
Alan Keyes should be nothing but insulted that the GOP courting him to run against Barack Obama. Even before Obama's original opponent, Jack Ryan, dropped out because of his embarassing sexual history, it was fairly clear that Obama was going to win. People love him -- he's smart, young, enthusiastic, well-spoken, able to reach all sections of society, and yes, he happens to be black. The GOP has since been scrambling to find a replacement to run against Obama, and has gotten so damn desperate that it actually considered running former football coach Mike Ditka -- because even though the guy has no ability to serve the people of Illinois as a senator (and really, isn't that what a political party should be devoted to?), he has name recognition and might win. Ditka eventually declined.

Now, the GOP wants to run Keyes, an uber-conservative failed presidential candidate whose only real moments in the sun were a failed show on MSNBC and the time he jumped in to a mosh pit to win Michael Moore's endorsement. So, why Alan Keyes? Two words: he's black. Obama's black, so the GOP wants a politican -- any politician, really -- that's black. The party doesn't care what Keyes thinks, and it doesn't care if he's able to serve the region. It just cares about playing the race card, and that should make Alan Keyes disgusted. Will it? We'll see.

Monday, August 2

Cheney doesn't want those types following him
The Bush camp made a fairly unprecedented request of the Arizona Daily Star -- asking the race of a photographer before granting permission for the photog to take pictures of Dick Cheney. A spokesman for the Bush campaign said the information was needed for security purposes, but the Daily Star managing editor sums it up best: "One has to wonder what they were going to do with that information," she said. "Because she has Indian ancestry, were they going to deny her access? I don't know." Or, maybe my friend said it best, when he e-mailed me the following: "You have to work really, really hard to make this not look
racist, and the excuse given is super-lame. My God, I sometimes feel like
I'm the only one who can see this kind of poop coming from the Bush team. It
makes me want to puke in my mouth."

FCC: the Free Christ Commission?
James Broadwater, a Mississippi Congressional candidate and religious nutbag, was duped into appearing on HBO's Ali G Show, and is now rather pissed about it. In his little online rant, he makes a really interesting statement about how he hopes HBO can be reeled in from what he considers an edgy and offensive show. He writes, "The Bible says, 'Silence the mocker and strife will cease,' and this stunt pulled by HBO is just one more reason why I believe that the liberal, anti-God media needs to be brought under the strict control of the FCC, and that as soon as possible."

Of course, the FCC has no jurisdiction over cable television, since it doesn't broadcast over public airwaves. (And wouldn't you hope a Congressman would know that?) But moreover, since the FCC has appointed itself as the fundamentalist indecency police, has it now become the catch-all answer for religious puritans who shun modern culture? Just look at Broadwater's statement. He doesn't want the FCC to regulate based on pre-existing rules; he wants and expects it to take on HBO because he considers it anti-God. That's a fascinating development in the way some people think of the FCC. And really, he's not wrong. Since Michael Powell took the chairmanship, the FCC has been acting as an arm of the religious right, or at least the social conservative expectations that come from it. So, why wouldn't people like Broadwater -- or, really, anybody --assume it plans to continue that kind of ideological enforcement?

Table scraps:
:"It’s gonna stop, or I’m gonna beat the shit out of him myself. And I’m serious.” These are not the words you want to use if you're a county's director of schools talking about the local paper's managing editor, who has been running stories about school department controversies. Oh, and you're being recorded.
::Even though I'm now fully employed, I still have a few freelance pieces that I wrote but have yet to run. One of them surfaced yesterday -- a look at the deep jazz roots of one small Massachusetts town, for the Boston Globe.
:::When you're a prostitute, be careful about how you advertise. For instance, if you give your phone number out on the radio, the cops might just swing by.
::::Kerry Edwards, your chance to cash in is fading. The Indiana man registered the website of his name, kerryedwards.com, back in 2002, and then tried to cash in with a $150,000 minimum online auction for the address. The Kerry-Edwards campaign isn't biting, and apparently neither is the general masses. He did get a $30,000 offer, and here's my advice: take it! Come November, it'll be worthless anyway.
:::::This is a great idea -- poorly-drawn comics based on spam subjects.

Say it ain't so, Mike
A small Illinois paper called the Pantagraph is accusing Michael Moore of doctoring its front page for appearance in "Fahrenheit 9/11," and is seeking $1 in damages. There's no explanation on why it took the Pantagraph this long to make these accusations, but it would be mighty unfortunate if it were true. Conservatives would surely spin this to suggest that one little falsity is evidence of a vast web of lies -- something, much to their dismay, has yet to be found in the film.

Wait, there were bloggers in Boston?

This panel from this week's "This Modern World" (too many uses of the word "this" have just occured) perfectly captured the rash of convention-blogger news stories that came out in the past week. It seemed every media outlet had its own story, which always hit the same exact points: Wow, bloggers exist! Whoa, they're at the convention! Whoo, look what they're saying! Just check out a sampling: The New York Times headlines, "Blogged in Boston: Politics Gets an Unruly Spin." The SF Chronicle notes, "Unbound by tradition, Boston bloggers exercise fresh freedom of press." The AP muses, "Blogged down in Bean Town." And on and on and on.

Mary was only good for making babies, right?
A lot of lawmakers are off on summer vacation now, but it's good to know that the Vatican is still working hard at doing what it does best -- alienating people. It just released a 37-page document claiming that feminism is destroying families -- and lest we forget that the Vatican also hates gay people, it works in a great tie-in by claiming that feminism makes "homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent." And that, of course, makes perfect sense. When I want women to have equality in the workforce, my girlfriend grows a penis and we have homosexual sex. Right. Sure. Thanks, Vatican.

Incidentally, was that an accidental endorsement of homosexual relationships? While it might be an insult inside their tiny-minded land, the promise of a relationship based on equality -- something the Vatican just suggested can be found in gay relationships -- is generally considered a good thing. And by the way, should anyone really take seriously a declaration about feminism from male-dominated organization that stresses celibacy? What was the title of this report -- Feminism is bad : A study by men who will never live with women?

What is almost equally as frightening is the headline that the ultra-conservative Washington Times gives this story. By contrast, the link above came from the San Francisco Chronicle, which headlined the story, "Vatican document attacks feminism." And, say, Newsday went with an equally accurate headline, "Vatican: Feminism a threat to family." But the WashTimes? It went with, "Pope affirms both genders' moral equality." Now that's scary.

Lay off M. Night already
M. Night Shyamalan is taking quite a beating for his new film, The Village. That's a shame, I think -- not just because the movie was really good (and even better if you've ever read Plato's Republic), but because I'm afraid it might discourage this guy from making more intelligent movies, and instead encourage him to bow to the critics' expecatations of cheap thrills. Slate called him the "Village Idiot." Ebert just about pissed on his mother's grave. But here we have a young filmmaker who really knows how to p