Man's best friend-with-benefits?

That awfully tortured metaphor -- "Pet your dog, not your date" -- is the design of a pro-abstinence t-shirt, a nice little item for kids unfortunate enough to be enrolled in Bush's pseudo-science, doomed-to-fail abstinence-only education programs. But politics aside, is that metaphor even proper? Can you go switching the meaning of "pet" in the middle of a comparison -- that is, assuming they're not actually telling kids not to avoid patting their dates on the head, or suggesting kids take some of that sexual tension out on the family dog.

But then again, maybe they are suggesting some doggy-love. Republicans are notoriously on-message, so consider the message from this infamous 2003 interview with Republican Senator Rick Santorum:

Santorum: In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality —

Associated Press: I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about "man on dog" with a United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out.

SANTORUM: And that's sort of where we are in today's world, unfortunately.

So wait: Are Republicans advocating man-on-dog as an alternative to pre-marital or homosexual sex? What an odd choice for the moralists. Did Halliburton get into the puppy breeding business? Is this an order from the top dog?

Posted by Jason Feifer at February 17, 2005 08:24 AM