Airport security made me wet my pants

Although we drove down, we flew back up yesterday and I learned a valuable lesson on the plane: Don't ever light up a cigarette while in the air, because it's a federal offense. I wasn't that stupid -- and nor do I smoke -- but some sloppy passenger in the back of the plane was. When we landed, the plane was held on the runway for a few minutes while beefy state police troopers escorted the man away. My friend and fellow traveller Joe made a good point: Sure, lighting up on a plane may be dangerous, but so is unbuckling your seatbelt before the light goes off. But when the plane takes off, nobody announces that one is a federal offense and the other will just earn you a stern warning from a stewardess. How's a passenger to know? Before airlines start throwing people in the slammer for bad passenger etiquette, someone should really explain which faux pas is a prison-worthy offense and which isn't.

But while I was just one of a sea of heads craned to watch this guy get arrested, little did I know that I'd arrive home and find security had hurt me as well. I found a little note from the Transportation Security Administration in my bag to notify me that, as part of a routine security check, someone's grubby hands had sifted through my personal stuff. Naturally, this made me feel extremely safe.

Then I discovered that the TSA spy had opened a bottle of my contact disinfectant solution, and repacked the bag without putting the top back on. During flight, half the bottle spilled out onto a pair of shorts it had been packed on top of. When unfolded, it looked like this:

This raises two questions: One, what terrorist weapon did TSA think could have been inside this disinfectant bottle? What was Osama going to do, make sure every American wears glasses? And two, how hard is it to put the cap back on when you're done checking out the bottle? It's the post-9/11 common courtesy: When you're done invading someone's privacy, please put everything back where you found it.

Later on in the note, TSA makes this hilariously insincere apology: "If the TSA screener was unable to open your bag for inspection because it was locked, the screener may have been forced to break the locks on your bag. TSA sincerely regrets having to do this, however TSA is not liable for damage to your locks resulting from this necessary security precaution."

I didn't have a lock. All I had was some clothing and toiletries, and the two were not supposed to get intimate with each other. But then TSA came along, and the juices started flowing. Can TSA be held liable for that? No damage was done, sure, but I think I deserve at least an insincere apology of my own. TSA will be notified, of course. Stay tuned.

Posted by Jason Feifer at July 18, 2005 10:35 AM