Hot, bothered and covered in fur

Image via Heat website

In September, a friend sent me a link to “Heat,” a movie that was being sold as a Humane Society fundraiser and appeared to be nothing short of kitty porn. I was tickled, and put up a post full of cheap and weak kitty porn jokes, and then promptly forgot about it. But two weeks ago, I got this e-mail from the guy who made the film:

Hi Jason,

I enjoyed your take on my movie "Heat" in your September archives.

The Minnesota Valley Humane Society is just one of several animal shelters that have decided to sell the DVD as a fund raiser. Some folks DO see the title and photo as being "suggestive". It's really just a spoof of a torrid, silver-screen love triangle, told in the style of a silent movie. And yes, there IS a plot-line.

I'm very proud of how "Heat" turned out and have even been entering it in some film festivals. I also see this movie as a celebration of the wonderful compositions of Leroy Shield, of "Little Rascals" fame, whose music I used exclusively.

I'd be happy to send you a free copy for you to re-review.

Steve Cloutier

I forwarded this e-mail on to the friend who originally sent me the link, and she quickly responded, “Get it! Kitty porn!!!!!!!!!!” And that’s how, last Tuesday, I wound up watching “Heat.”

Since the friend who started this whole thing lives in another state, I sat down to watch it with my friend Lilli, who is a cat owner and cat lover. I’m something of a cat eh -- that is, “Cats? Eh.” I don’t love them, I don’t hate them, I have mild allergies to them and I think dogs are way better.

Let’s cut right to the chase: There wasn’t enough kitty porn. I was all revved up for some hot feline action, and this tease of a movie provided little more than some snuggling and nose-touching. In one scene, it appears as if one of the cats is checking out the others’ ass, but that’s pretty common in both the animal and human world. Even the deleted scenes are short on steam: There’s a special feature called “more love bites,” but it’s just wholesome family fun. I’m telling you, “Heat” is really passing up on the untapped market for bestiality fans.

The movie may have been an ode to torrid silver screen love affairs, but it was also pretty much like every early high school relationship: Boy meets girl, they fool around, they have a falling out, they get back together, and then they graduate high school and cheat on each other in college. Er, wait, I guess that last part didn't happen in the movie. But you get the idea.

When it was finished, I turned to Lilli and said, “So, here’s the review: Not enough cat porn.”

“Not enough cat porn?” she said, aghast. “How about, ‘Not enough acting.’”

“Acting? They’re cats,” I said.

“Yeah, but they could have done something more,” she said.

Talk about high expectations. I must never be around when her cat is performing Shakespeare. Usually it just sits on its ass, looking indifferent. But I must agree with her central point: The movie would have been better if, uh, it was better. I'm afraid I have really no constructive feedback to offer.

I do feel bad totally slamming “Heat,” though. It was clearly a labor of love for Steve, who admits in an interview (also on the DVD) that he just filmed his own cats running around and then created the storyline later. And considering all the other wacky stuff I’ve seen cat-lovers buy, there is no doubt a population of people who would adore “Heat.” That's fine. Just stay away from me, people, because I’ll start sneezing.

After the movie, Lilli suggested we refresh our minds with a showing of “Kung Fu Hustle.” It was also disappointly low on kitty porn, but Lilli’s cat did step on my crotch once during the movie. Meow!

Posted by Jason Feifer at November 28, 2005 01:37 PM