Why MapQuest is more powerful than spandex

You’re a superhero. Your name is Omnicron. You’ve got invulnerable armor and the power of telekinesis. And holy crap, you instead could really use a super-sense of direction because you’re about to miss your audition for the Sci Fi Channel’s “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?"

Omnicron (right) is Phil, my friend Kathryn’s brother. He’s up against two jalopies in an online vote, and the winner gets on the show. But to even get to this point, he had to go through a very un-superheroish ordeal. Here’s his epic tale, forwarded on to me by Kathryn. Read, laugh, cry, and then go vote and get this brave man on television!

So there I was in LA, the morning of my audition in front of the producers, and I realized I brought no deodorant. I was to be picked up at the hotel in about two hours, so I was already in costume; there was a 7-11 a few blocks away, so I went down and grabbed a thingy of "speed-stick". Then I started to head back to the hotel where I was supposed to get picked up to head to the audition.

The problem is, one of my real-life weaknesses is a pathetic sense of direction. Combine that with LA fog and streets build for the hills (I'm used to Florida's "grid" where roads always meet at 90 degrees) and I was one very lost man from the future!

So there I was in LA, a totally lost bald man with power armor and a cape trying to get directions back to his hotel: they would be there to pick me up in half an hour! The people in LA seemed to fit into two categories: those who have nothing nice to say, and those who have nothing English to say; my responses ranged from "I'm running dude!" to "I... I sorry... I no... English" and so I was on my own.

So I take out my cell-phone and call home to my girlfriend: "Boot up mapquest, I need directions!" She was unsurprised by this call, having heard it many times before. I give her my current address based of a nearby storefront. "Do you realize that you're a mile and a half from your hotel?" A mile and a half? I had wandered a mile and a half?

So there I was in LA, a very out-of-shape man trying to run a mile and a half uphill in twenty minutes wearing power armor and a cape. Somehow some inner reserve of strength, or perhaps some divine intervention kicked in. With the phone to my ear I was taking directions as if I were a car and running at automotive speeds... indeed, wearing that armor, someone might have perhaps mistaken me for a car... or at least a total lunatic.

Long story short, I made it with seconds to spare. I thank the Speed-Stick (which I had wisely applied before the mad dash) for its vigilance before I faced my next challenge: trying to sit comfortably in a sedan with three other heroes wearing those shoulders.

Posted by Jason Feifer at April 1, 2007 01:48 PM