Fear of Sex, part II: What is this woman?

In our second installment of the weekly series Fear of Sex, the authors of the 1922 non-classic "Ethical Sex Relations, or The New Eugenics" take a break from biology and begin hypothesizing about alien life forms that-- wait, wait a second. No, they're talking about women. My mistake. Read on!

Page: 83
Chapter title: Courtship
Section title: What Attracts the Sexes to Each Other

Woman differs from man not only in her anatomical construction, but is also widely dissimilar in her mental faculties. She commonly has less strength of mind, but is quicker in apprehension; less judgement, but more intuition; is more exquisite in sensibility, but receives less lasting impressions. It is common to say that men reason or are reflective, while women are guided by something resembling instinct or are perceptive. Men are comparatively taciturn where women are talkative. Women love ornament; the decorative arts, of person or home, are native to their natures, while men are more simple and severe in taste. Her body and mind are the abode of refinement, emotion, gentleness, devotion and all that is exquisite and spirituelle. He should possess a fair share of dignity, size, leadership, boldness, courage, strength, and, in short, power, to win her admiration. If to these attributes a man unites generosity and gallantry in his conduct towards the gentler sex, he will indeed be irresistible to them.

Permalink: 08:10 AM | Comments (1)

Somebody get this administration a new freakin' tailor

I never believed the conspiracy theory that Bush was wearing some sort of radio transmitter during the first debate, although I also never accepted Bush's explanation that it was just a poorly-tailored suit. But that photo above was taken today, and shows Bush walking with Carlos Gutierrez, who he nominated for Secretary of Commerce -- and there, just above Bush's hand, is totally the same sort of bulge.

So, what the hell is going on here? Is everyone in the administration wired? Is everyone poorly tailored? Is the bulge some sort of contagious infection being spread around the White House like herpes at a sorority house? Is the administration made up of robots with bulging on/off switches? Is Bush & Co. the Borg? Somebody needs to start asking some real questions here.

Permalink: 11:11 PM | Comments (4)

That's Mrs. Fido to you

Shoop doggy dog! Who knew that putting fancy hair on canines would by hysterical? Thankfully, Kristen Thiele, an artist in Miami, did. She's got a whole series of them. Her studio is next door to the studio of a friend of mine, and when I visited him over the weekend, I just couldn't get enough of these paintings. Totally brilliant.

Permalink: 10:31 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣THE CAMERAMAN THAT filmed the now-infamous marine shooting an unarmed and injured insurgent has a blog, and wrote a great entry about the incident, including what he saw and what he did afterwards.

♣OUT OF NOWHERE I developed this lump. I think it was a cyst or a boil, one of those words you associate with trolls, and it was right on my tailbone, like a peach pit. Normally, this is an introduction to something you'd rather not read. But no! It's a new David Sedaris piece in the New Yorker.

♣I JUST GOT a haircut and paid $12 for it. And to think, there are people in this world willing to pay $800.

♣HERE'S AN ABSOLUTELY hilarious account of a reporter and a photographer trying to get quotes from the winners of a contest in which Marlboro flies people to Utah for a quote-unquote cowboy experience. Problem is, though, that the whole affair is top-secret, and for some reason, everyone hates Americans and reporters. "We want the winners to experience the freedom of America," said one company executive. "And we find this is easiest when Americans are not part of the event."

♣YES! THIS IS exactly the kind of idea we need to curb grocery bag use: charge a small fee per bag, as San Francisco is considering. The amount of bags that go to waste is just staggering, because the bags are almost always totally useless. We have hands, people! Use them! You can carry a few items to your car without putting them in a bag. Sure, cashiers may look at you funny when you decline a bag for your three or four items (trust me, I go through this every time I shop), but it's worth it. The Earth will thank you.

♣AS THE ANTI-ABORTION movement gains more steam, are we headed back to the days of coathangers? Here's a scary indication that we might be.

Permalink: 05:34 PM | Comments (1)

A few housecleaning notes

CAN THE WORLD HANDLE ANOTHER BLOGGER? My friend Roberto Scalese, once described as "the in-house pundit here at Happyscrappy," has finally launched his own blog, Under the Sink. (Wondering what it means? He says it's where Italian families keep their garbage.) Mark it down, folks, because that blog's going to be blogtastic.

A CLEAN SITE IS A HAPPY SITE. It probably went unnoticed by most readers, but this page underwent some serious improvements yesterday, as Colleen from Woops! Design cleaned up my sloppy site code and made things run a lot smoother. Most of her work will help me on my end of things, but some help you as well. Firefox viewers should no longer have trouble viewing the site, the archives pages finally have formatting, everything is clean and centered, and you can highlight the text in the blog now, which you couldn't do before. What a pleasure. Thanks, Colleen! You're a champion.

MAKE YOURSELF PUKE! I'd like to draw minor attention to an old feature from the site: a 100% (and sadly) true IM conversation between a friend of mine and a horny rock star. I realized it was a bit hard to read with the old formatting, so I cleaned it up and gave it a new logo. Take a look.

MONDAY MONDAY. I'll be out of town from Thursday to Sunday, so please at least try to have a pleasant Thanksgiving without me.

Permalink: 08:10 AM | Comments (1)

Presenting a weekly feature, Fear of Sex

As a nation, we're not so comfortable with sex, are we? Abstinence-only programs are spreading. We had an attorney general who wanted to cover the breasts of a government statue. Sex-ed programs are under constant scrutiny. The FCC is ready to strike at even an inch of unexpected skin. We may be a culture where sex sells, but it still isn't something we openly talk about. Somehow, the country is more comfortable when sex is put up on a pedestal, rather than when it’s brought down and examined.

But it's worth remembering how far we've come, not only in our acceptance of sex, but in our understanding and respect of each other -- two accomplishments that have everything to do with each other. Case in point: a book published in 1922 called "Ethical Sex Relations, or The New Eugenics." I just picked this rather absurd relic up for $21 at the Boston International Antiquarian Book Fair, and every Tuesday will be posting an excerpt from it. Some of it's funny and some of it's infuriating, but keep in mind that it takes what, at the time, must have been an extremely frank look at love and sex. I hope it reminds everyone that despite apperances, we really have come a long way -- and still do have a ways to go.

And so, I present to you the first weekly installment:

Page: 122
Chapter title: There Seems to be a Sex Mania in this Civilization
Section title: Excessive coitus or copulation

Persons of weak constitutions and excitable temperaments are most likely to engage in excessive sexual indulgence. Also a great deal of mischief is done by two persons of unequal constitutions living together as man and wife. The wife may exhaust the husband, or vice versa, the weaker party being constantly tempted to exceed his or her strength.

In sexual matters there should by all means be due consideration for others. Ignorance is usually back of excessive coitus. The ignorance comes from a lamentable delicacy which prevails on all sexual questions and which prevents open and rational discussion of such a subject, and this is true of individuals who have the most intimate knowledge of each other.

If the conjugal act is repeated too often the man will become gradually conscious of diminished strength, nerve force, and mental power. The man becomes more liable to disease and a readier victim of disease when it does come to him, and all this is equally true of woman. And, due to the conjugal act being overdone, husband and wife, more often than for any other reason, beget sickly children who die early.

Local diseases of women due to excessive coitus are: Acute catarrh, acute inflammation of the uterus and ovaries, and peritonitis. And we know that blood tumors and cancers of the uterus are frequently an end result of excessive coitus.

Aside from purely ethical considerations, coitus during the menstrual period may be the cause of rupture of the impaired blood vessels, thus causing angiomas, or blood tumors. On the consideration of this subject of excessive coitus, we see the unfortunate result of teaching two kinds of morals, one for men and one for women.

Tune in next week for more madcap adventures! But remember, don't have too much sex between now and then -- if you do, you'll beget sickly children who die early. Just imagine the ad campaigns that could have promoted that idea: "Suck a dick, Billy gets sick. Be a whore, Suzie dies at four. "

Ok, now I feel dirty.

Permalink: 01:11 AM | Comments (0)

How do you like these apples?

At Harvard, a billion dollar endowment means more than just scholarships and purchasing power. Apparently, it also means the school has enough money to hire a cafeteria staff writer. This from a recent job posting:

The successful candidate will generate, research and write story ideas about Harvard University Dining Services for the larger University audience and foodservice trade publications, as well as write special reports and letters as appropriate for the Executive Director.

Wait, Harvard has a dining service? You mean students don't get their own personal chefs? What a rip off.

Permalink: 12:02 AM | Comments (0)

Here's why bloggers make bad marketers

A note to rock-n-rollers: if you want to make out with some girl after a show, that's great. Do it backstage. But if you're a small indie band -- so small, in fact, that you have to sell your own merch -- then you might want to hold off on the make-out session until you get back into your cramped van. Otherwise, you might lose a few fans -- or, at least, you almost lost this fan.

I went to the CMJ music festival in New York a few years ago, and one night attended the going-away party of Le Grand Magistery Records, which had failed to recover from some economic fiasco. One of the bands there was Stars, who were just really fantastic -- an interesting dreamscape sound with some wonderfully catchy hooks, and a singer who can actually sing. I was going to buy a CD or a t-shirt or something after the show, but when I walked up to the merch table it was being staffed by one of the band members, and he was heavily -- I mean, gratutiously just-shy-of-dry-humping -- making out with some girl. Maybe a fan? Maybe his girlfriend? Maybe another band member? I have no idea. I stood there for about two seconds, and then decided: shit, I've got better things to do than stand around watching this, and if these people think they're such rock stars, they don't need my ten bucks anyway.

And then I promptly forgot about them.

But a few months later, I became friends with a girl who had an album of theirs, was convinced they weren't so bad after all. And now I have two of their albums, although I never knew what happened to them after the label folded.

Lame story, I know, but it's what I was reminded of after receiving this e-mail:

Permalink: 12:29 PM | Comments (3)

Table scraps:

♣HAVE YOU EVER seen a chimp do a spinning jump kick? Prepare yourself for this. (video)

♣WHAT? NO PICTURE available? Come on, Target, how do you expect your customers to choose the anal massager that's right for them?

♣AS SOMEONE WHO lives somewhat near Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, I can assure you: not even the people here know how to pronounce it. And while most people might think they know what the name means -- myself included -- the New York Times has come along to prove us all wrong.

♣CAN YOU TAKE memory snapshots? Find out by counting stars.

♣IT'S NOT JUST another day at school when your professor announces that he killed a man 50 years ago. "It's a very human story and it is not something we have any reason to be upset or alarmed about," the college president said. Well, yes, it sure is a human story -- a dead human story.

♣FUN WITH CUBICLES! (Or, what to do when your co-worker is away.)

♣THE TEENAGE PREGNANCY rate in America has dropped, which is great. What's not great, though, is that conservatives are jumping to say abstinance-only programs are to thank, which is so obviously not true. Most kids break any abstinance pledge they take, and the only thing that saves them is education about safe sex. (Related: a really interesting radio documentary called "With This Ring.")

♣IT'S A FEW days late, but here's your latest Gary Benchley alert.

Permalink: 09:46 AM | Comments (0)

Who said bras can't be discriminatory?

Yes, you're reading the text next to that woman correctly: "Your Choice of Nude or Black." This is a film still from the website of the Natural Bra, a very uncomfortable-looking floppy seashell-like contraption that's supposed to work like a strapless bra. There are two colors you can buy it in: cream -- or, as the company calls it, nude -- and black. But, uh, won't the "nude" be only nude for white women? Will black women not look nude with the black one on? Is this product only being targeted towards white women -- or, more specifically, plastic sort-of-peachy-colored women -- and if so, is that more insulting to black women or white women?

(And if you're wondering, I saw a commercial for the Natural Bra, wondered about the nude-or-black thing, and then went to its website. Whatever other theories you might have been whipping up, forget 'em.)

Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (1)

Ice, Ice, Pet Owner

It appears that Vanilla Ice not only owns a kangaroo, but has lost it. No joke: the kangaroo was found in Port St. Lucie, Florida, and animal control officers are waiting for him to come pick it up. And given this information, you might wonder: how does somebody go about losing a kangaroo?

The answer, I'm afraid, is in this interview with Vanilla Ice:

Q: Tell us about the kangaroo.

A: Eminem's a dork.

Q: That's gonna be the headline.

A: Nooo…I'm not player hating on Eminem, man.

Q: Well, tell us about your kangaroo.

A: Um, what about him? He hops. He hops really fast.

Q: Where'd you get him, what's his name, what’s he eat?

A: He hops…bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing! His name is Bucky.

Q: Bucky? That’s good.

A: Yeah. Buckaroo. And he doesn’t have a pouch because he's a boy, ok? Girls only have a pouch.

Q: Oh, I didn’t know that. Cool.

A: He jumps in a pouch. You know, if you hold it out, he'll jump in it, like a little bag. He's cute.

Q: How do you go about getting a kangaroo?

A: Uh…this lady breeds them, sells them out in Florida. I got him at an animal auction. You have to get a permit.

Hop away, kangaroo! Hop as fast as you can!

Permalink: 12:42 PM | Comments (2)

Cotton: Thanksgiving stuffing for teddy bears?

I went to a nearby store this morning to get some quarters, because my choice today is to visit my apartment building's laundry room or start digging through the laundry basket for something that doesn't stink too bad. I gave the cashier a dollar and asked for quarters, and as she opened the register, a customer behind me said, "Pre-Thanksgiving laundry, huh?" Then she laughed, as if this is some sort of shared experience -- oh, good ol' laundry before Thanksgiving, we all know what that's about, yuck yuck yuck.

Perhaps if I were buying diet pills, and she said, "Pre-Thanksgiving diet, huh?", this would have made more sense. I mean, Thanksgiving is when people eat a lot. I suppose there are people out there who go on a diet beforehand. But do people wear a lot of clothing on Thanksgiving? Are they all ruining outfits by spilling gravy on each other? "Honey, the cranberry sauce is almost done, time to put on another pair of socks!" I just don't get it.

So, I faked a laugh to act like I knew what she meant, and said, "You got it." And I've spent the rest of the morning wondering if I missed the joke.

Permalink: 11:31 AM | Comments (6)

Table scraps:

♣SNACKULA? UNDEAD WEIGHT? Why, these could only be cruel nicknames for overweight vampires.

♣DO YOU LOVE eggs? Do you love them this much?

♣MARK BELLING, THE conservative windbag who got a slap on the hand for using the term "wetback" on his show, has clearly learned his lesson: "Many hope or fear this will change me and my program and that I'll be on my constant guard and will pull punches ... that I've been neutered and I'll be more careful," he said on his first day back. "This show ain't changing at all." (The lesson, of course, is that racist talk show hosts can say whatever they want.)

♣ICKY THOUGHT OF the day: "We've been preparing for a while," said reservist Andre Hunter. "We'd use pudding." What's he talking about? Why, training to be military police guards and being able to deal with prisoners throwing feces on you, of course.

♣SOME PRODUCTION STILLS and a teaser have been released for the upcoming Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, and oh boy am I excited.

♣NO, AN INDIANA congressman isn't trying to change the name of I-69 because it sounds sexual. It's just an Internet hoax. Although, it's not that far from reality -- remember what happened to Route 666?

♣IT'S BEEN A while since the stupidity of those Mentos commercials has inspired anybody, but that didn't stop me from enjoying this video.

♣DAM, THOSE BEAVERS made a nice investment and then the cops had to come and ruin everything.

Permalink: 12:07 AM | Comments (0)

Learn to pick your battles, folks (pun intended)

The Akron Beacon Journal ran that photo on its front page, and a bunch of letters started rolling in -- but not about the soldier.

"Why the front-page photo of a soldier with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth?" asked John H. Ramey of Akron. "One would hope that the editors had more sense than to show willfully negligent behavior on the part of a service person on the front page."

Dan McClusky of Akron agreed: "I want you to pass congratulations to the person who chose that front-page picture. You just convinced 10,000 young people that it's OK to smoke."

Uh, did anybody notice that this soldier doesn't look particularly happy? That maybe he's not the most glamorous salesman for cigarettes right now? That maybe it's because he's fighting a friggin' war!?

Listen, I'm a non-smoker and even I think this is nuts. Why focus on the cigarette? Why don't these people think 10,000 kids will look at this photo and say, "Gee golly, I wish my face was covered in soot and my eyes stared vacantly as if my soul was just drowned in the blood of my brothers." Oh, I know: because kids aren't as dumb and easily influenced as everyone seems to think they are. So lay off!

Permalink: 10:48 AM | Comments (4)

Table scraps:

♣THINK YOU KNOW what a map of America looks like? So did I, until this game quizzed me on it. (The easy version cuts you a little slack.

♣PLAYBOY AS EMPOWERMENT? We've heard the argument before, but never from an amputee: "If I was an able-bodied, all-of-my-limbs girl, I don't know if I'd do it," (25-year-old amputee model Jennifer) Krum (said of posing for Playboy). "I'm doing it mainly because I want to send the message to people who are amputees, or have issues with confidence or don't find themselves attractive or sexy -- that you can be attractive or sexy, even if you're an amputee."

♣EBAY CANCELED THE auction because it thought it was a joke. But the woman selling a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that has sprouted the face of the Virgin Mary isn't joking around.

♣THIS SHOULD BE a lesson to whoever hasn't already learned it: if you don't have a photo to go with your news story, don't just randomly select a stock image. It looks absurd.

♣WHAT IS UP with the weird sexual tensions of morally arrogant conservative figureheads? First there was all that Bill O'Reilly stuff, and now Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is telling large crowds that, "I accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies, homosexual or not, eliminate social tensions, and ought to be encouraged."

♣ISN'T IT SAD how one legislative bill can perfectly sum up our overly-protective, consumer-based culture? Here's a description from Wired: "The bill would also permit people to use technology to skip objectionable content -- like a gory or sexually explicit scene -- in films, a right that consumers already have. However, under the proposed law, skipping any commercials or promotional announcements would be prohibited."

Permalink: 10:01 AM | Comments (1)

Hey Colin, where'd you leave your dignity?

Well, at least you still have your health.

Permalink: 06:05 PM | Comments (1)

Table scraps:

♣SO CUTE, IT'LL make you puke: hamsters in hats.

♣TAKE A MOMENT this week to look up at the night sky, because the Leonid Meteor Shower is taking its show back to Earth. The show was great in 2002, when I laid outside in the cold grass for an hour and watched those suckers streak across the sky, but this year is supposed to be less spectacular, with only about 12 meteors an hour. Still, it's worth a look.

♣AH! FINALLY, SOMEBODY has made a t-shirt to make fun of those trendy Che Guevara t-shirts. It's only too bad the shirt it's more caustic, like "I think I'm wearing this shirt to support idealistic revolution, but I'm actually just an idiot unknowingly supporting bloodshed and dictatorship that will never lead to reform." But, well, I guess that's not a very funny punchline.

♣BEWARE, THIS WILL look very NSFW, but don't let that stop you from clicking on the thumbnails for a larger image.

♣WHAT KIND OF customer are you: the one that buys new electronics and DVDs without waiting for markdowns or rebates, or the one that buys products, apply for rebates, return the purchases, and then buys them back at returned-merchandise discounts? Because if you're the latter, then take note: Best Buy is doing whatever it can to make sure you're no longer a customer there.

♣INDIE-ROCK DARLINGS no more! Death Cab For Cutie signs with a major label. (Funny timing, since Ben Gibbard's side project, the Postal Service, just signed a deal with the actual U.S. Postal Service.)

♣ A WASHINGTON POST columnist called up a guy promoting himself as "Mr. PR," and the first thing he said in the interview is: "I think we can agree that the reasonable person, hearing that your nickname is Mr. PR, would conclude that you are Mr. BS."

♣AH-NOLD IS MAKING automated telemarketing calls in Cah-lee-for-nea to rally people for whatever wacky agenda he's pushing now. Something about jailtime for anybody who doesn't own a Hummer? Or a law making it legal to sexually harass women in the workplace? Who knows.

Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (1)

At least we know where Arafat is...

But who's that guy in the background?

Permalink: 12:01 PM | Comments (1)

Table scraps:

♣"MY INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE of what it’s like to be an object of pop culture has inspired me to embrace and examine the joy of memory, and the curious thrill of pop recognition." Um, uh, well, whatever he's talking about, it has something to do with being Biff from Back to the Future.

♣REMEMBER THE FIRST time you thought it would be fun to join a listserv, but half the e-mails you received were from people who didn't understand how to unsubscribe, and so were just announcing to everybody on the list: "Please remove me from this list." Well, imagine what would happen if the list contained 25,000 people.

♣WHAT WOULD IT look like if your musical tastes were mapped out? Well, it might look something like this.

♣A STUDY OF men: a woman posts a message asking if anyone wants a "quickie" on craigslist, and here's a list of what she got back. At first, I thought this sounded funny enough to try on my own -- go on craigslist, post something claiming I'm a woman looking for a quickie, and then collect all the responses and post on this blog. But then I went to a casual encounters page, and read some of the crap these people write each other -- classy stuff like "W4M want to stick it in my bum?" and "looking for a hot ass to spank on a well-built guy" -- and then I decided: nah, I'd rather keep my sanity.

♣A GUY ON NPR yesterday was describing how we as a culture are hurting our children by being so over-protective of them. For anybody that doubts his statement, I offer this: a California elementary school has banned cartwheels and handstands.

♣I AM SERIOUSLY considering buying one of these.

♣A TITLE WORTH consideration: On the utility of Minneapolis-St. Paul as a Base of Operations for Various Well-Known Superheroes or Super Teams

Permalink: 12:23 AM | Comments (0)

MC Araphat

Damn it feels good to be a gangster, right fellas?

...alright, maybe that's too harsh. We'll let history decide. But for now, the AP summed it up fairly well: "He was to the end a man of many mysteries and paradoxes — terrorist, statesman, autocrat and peacemaker."

Even his name was apparently a paradox. Consider the lede of Thomas Friedman's recent column, as it ran in the New York Times (italics are mine, not Tom's):

It is a sad but fitting coda to Yasir Arafat’s career that the prospect of his death seemed to unlock more hope and possibilities than the reality of his life.

...and here's how it ran in syndication:

It is a sad but fitting coda to Yasser Arafat’s career that the prospect of his death seemed to unlock more hope and possibilities than the reality of his life.

I had noticed the difference before -- the NYT always goes with "Yasir," and everyone else does "Yasser" -- but that's the first time I had noticed it changed inside NYT copy that's running in other papers. Anybody know why there's this difference? Is this a traditional-vs-Americanization thing? I wrote Daniel Okrent, but haven't heard back. Hmm.

Permalink: 12:03 AM | Comments (1)

Now we're thinking!

It seems some Democrats have begun to take on the kind of re-thinking and real brainstorming that I was hoping would take place. Consider these two grafs from a story about liberal Christians in yesterday's Washington Post:

"One of the things a few of us are talking about is a reassessment of how the Democrats deal with an issue like abortion -- could there be a more moderate ground, where even if they retained their pro-choice stance, they talked about uniting pro-choice people together to actually do something about the abortion rate?" said Jim Wallis, editor of the liberal evangelical journal Sojourners.

If the Democratic Party were to "welcome pro-life Democrats, Catholics and evangelicals and have a serious conversation with them" about ways to reduce teenage pregnancy, facilitate adoptions and improve conditions for low-income women, it would "work wonders" among centrist evangelicals and Catholics, Wallis said.

See how simple that is? It's just a repackaging of the same old ideal, but done in a way that appears proactive and not morally tenuous. Not to mention, this would give Democrats a chance to really promote birth control -- something I think could be a smart moral issue, since the Bush administration has been so aggressive in pushing abstinence-only programs that ignore options such as condoms and birth control pills, and therefore put children at risk by not knowing all options available to them. In an argument between realistic safe sex and a dogmatic abstinence approach, I really don't see how the Democrats could lose. All they need to do is seize the debate, and frame it as the best method to combat teenage pregnancies. Who can argue with that?

Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

Who's the teacher here?

Conservative talk show host and frequent Rush Limbaugh fill-in Mark Belling was suspended recently after he used the ethnic slur "wetback" on his show. He said, "You watch the voter turnout on the near south side, heavily Hispanic, and compare it to the voter turnout in any other election, and you're going to see every wetback and every other non-citizen out there voting." He'll of course keep his job -- conservative talk show hosts have a history of using ethnic slurs, getting a slap on the hand, and then returning to work -- but a Clear Channel executive has said the company has a plan:

"Right now, both Mark and the station are focusing on how we can educate the public on ethnic diversity."

This is a typical response when something like this happens. But, the public? The public was the one that expressed enough outrage to get the guy suspended. I think Clear Channel needs to focus on how it can educate its radio host on ethnic diversity.

Permalink: 08:30 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣"HEY BABY, WANT to cast your ballot in my voting box?" An appropriate question, perhaps, posed to those who called a number printed by the Florida Times-Union on election day -- a number that was supposed to connect readers to a non-partisan organization tracking the election, but instead sent them to a phone sex line. An paper insider tells me this isn't the first embarassing flub for the FTU: once, instead of running a photo of a school superintendent, they accidentally ran a photo of a horse -- and the caption read something like "so-and-so was the glue that held the school board together." Hah!

♣AS JOSH MARSHALL keeps emphasizing, Bush's people are working really hard at overstating his win. (Case in point: yes, Bush got more popular votes than any other candidate in history, but John Kerry got the second-most. See what's happening? It's not popularity -- it's called population growth.) But this map, with what each state would look like if it had a land mass proportional to its human population, puts things a bit more in perspective.

♣WE NOW KNOW the secret to a cat's grace: gravity. Take it away and, well, see for yourself (video).

♣HERE'S THE THING about automatically closing prison doors: they don't stop for anything, even heads.

♣CAN YOU PASS this off as "community service"? A counseling service comprised of volunteer men is using a hands-on approach to combat the growing restlessness -- and sexlessness -- of Japan's women.

♣PIXAR BUYS A Vowell -- but essayist Sarah Vowell's voice is only one of the great things brought to life in the Incredibles. Here's a great behind-the-scenes look at the team who put it together. (Opening pun courtesy of my friend Noah.)

♣"IT'S NEVER TOO late. You are never too old." Brave words from a 57-year-old woman about to have twins.

Permalink: 08:13 AM | Comments (0)

Start getting real

From a New York Times interview with Virgin's Richard Branson, star of "The Rebel Billionaire":

Q: Why don't you ask your contestants to do something socially constructive instead -- like compete to clean up slums or volunteer at libraries?

A: We wanted to make the episodes charity-based, but Fox Television told us that you would have TV's all over the country turning off faster than you could blink.

Oh, come on Branson, you just weren't creative enough. Here are some charity-based reality shows Fox would have swooned over:

Fostering care | Twelve adorable orphans live together in an island mansion and vie for the attention -- and eventual adoption -- of two parents. But there's a twist! Two of the children actually DO HAVE PARENTS! Can the other children sniff out the imposters?

My Big Fat Obnoxious Soup Kitchen Worker | Laugh as a "soup kitchen worker" brings in filet mignon while all the homeless people have to eat slop! Gasp as he eats all the mashed potatos before Mildred, a 92-year-old street woman, arrives in time for Thanksgiving dinner. Hold your breath as they all find out that he's not a soup kitchen worker at all, but just an actor playing tricks on them!

Temptation Hospital | Ten uninsured patients get the chance of a lifetime: free medical care for longtime ailments. But watch out! If any of them lay a hand on our beautiful staff of flirtatious nurses, the only M.D. they'll be seeing is a Medical Denial.

Race for the Cure | A bunch of young, attractive scientists are forced to live in a home together and come up with the cure for cancer. Things are going great -- that is, until some young, attractive business people move in and promise riches if the scientists stop working on cancer cures and start working on new pills for erectile dysfunction. What will the scientists do?

Actually, I think we already know what happens in that last one.

(above photo came from this BBC story)

Permalink: 12:38 PM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣WHAT GOES ON inside a "Mortal Kombat: Deception" Internet game room called GAYTALK? This guy hypothesizes -- "Bitch, you did NOT just unlock Jade" -- and then goes in to find out.

♣THE AMITYVILLE HOUSE might be haunted, but what about its home appliances? Witness the awesome power of... the Amityville Toaster.

♣I WONDER: IF the Northeast chose to secede from the United States, what would happen? After all, folks in the "heartland" can talk all they want about conservative values, but the nation's economy would grind to a halt without places like New York and Boston. Sadly, this isn't worth considering for long, since the Constitution doesn't really give states much of an out.

♣THEY SHOULD SELL tickets to whatever comes out of this craigslist post: "I would like to fight a Bush supporter to vent my anger. If you are one, have a fiery streek, please contact me so we can meet and physically fight. I would like to beat the shit out of you."

♣HOORAY FOR HEROES! A man used a machete to defend himself against three armed men who tried to rob him at his trailer, and neighbors showed up with baseball bats and guns came to help out.

Permalink: 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

Potential Pick-Up Lines From A Goat (or, What I Did Not Learn While Visiting Family Friends on Their Vermont Farm)

♥ “I love petting zoos -- heavy petting zoos.”
♥ “You know what they say about barns: my door’s always open.”
♥ “I really do eat anything.”
♥ “Milk me.”
♥ “A bed of hay is way more comfortable than it looks. Want to see?”
♥ “Do you think it’s sexy when I lick the puddles of urine left by sheep and llamas? No? Oh, well, I can stop that.”
♥ "I'm an animal!"

Permalink: 12:19 AM | Comments (0)

Alan Keyes is actually making sense

In the aftermath of his embarrassing and expected defeat at the hands of Barack Obama, Alan Keyes has actually impressed me. He refused to call Obama to congratulate him -- a longstanding tradition in politics -- because, he said, "I'm supposed to make a call that represents the congratulations toward the triumph of that which I believe ultimately stands for and will stand for a culture evil enough to destroy the very soul and heart of my country. I can't do this, and I will not make a false gesture."

Of course, I don't agree with Keyes on what he considers "evil." But still, I love that he feels so passionately that he won't call the other guy up and wish him well. I'd like more politicians to do this, including Kerry. After all, a campaign is defined by two or more people trying to convince voters that there is a yawning gap between them, and that the other person is dangerous. That's what both Bush and Kerry said about each other. Why pretend like that divide has disappeared after election day?

What's all this "I spoke to President Bush ... and we talked about the danger of division in our country and the need -- the desperate need for unity, for finding the common ground, coming together" that Kerry said at his concession speech? How's that supposed to help Democratic voters? How's that supposed to stand up for the side Kerry fought for, when he knows damn well that Bush isn't going to suddenly decide to think of liberals in a kinder light? I'd have loved to hear him say something like this:

"We may have lost today, but I want history to hear me right now. I want these words to be written down and put somewhere safe, and read in four years. And what I have to say is this: America, I respect your decision, but you have done yourself harm. In four years, our relationship with the world will be worse, our economy will be worse, and the civil rights our forefathers fought and died for will be fewer. If that's not so, then let me go down as history's fool. But it's what I believe, and it's what I based my campaign on stopping, so I feel no shame in leaving this stage with that same theme. And if my words ring true, then I'll be sad. I'll be sad because this nation is suffering. But I'll also have hope, that we can think of this moment -- right now, this very moment -- and learn from our mistakes. We can improve our ability to select good leaders. I can't promise I would have perfect, but I would have liked the opportunity to try. And I wish Mr. Bush well -- not because I have faith in him, but because I must have faith in him. He is at the helm of our ship, for better or for worse, and I do not want to see our ship go down."

Cocky and self-important? Sure, but isn't that what a campaign is all about anyway? Just think of the purpose it would serve: his concession speech basically dismissed his own arguments, but this would have stood by them. It would have given his followers some fire. It would have been true to the message his campaign spent millions to spread.

And so, I call on all politicians: when you lose, stand by your convictions. Don't shake hands and make nice. Nobody benefits from that.

Permalink: 12:18 AM | Comments (4)

Alright, fine, a little more punditry

(Graphic not mine; it was forwarded to me by e-mail)

This needs to be said, and it needs to be said quickly: moral values is a trap. People have been talking all day about how the election was won on moral values, and how the Democrats need to start thinking in terms of moral issues. But I say this: Don’t! Do not. Do not even try.

I was watching some talking heads on CNN a minute ago. A woman speaking for the Dems was asked what the party needs to do to get back in the game, and she said, as many people have been saying, that the Dems need to focus more on moral values. And then it occurred to me: has the Republican party just taken over the Democratic party?

Permalink: 01:40 PM | Comments (2)

One more ‘One more for the road’

With Bush getting a victory round in the newspapers today, I thought it might be appropriate to launch into one more round of punditry about what the Democrats need to do to rebound from this. A lot of people are talking about this issue of morality -- that Dems haven’t managed to capture ‘moral issues’ or put things in a moral perspective, and that’s true. But right now, a lot of the moral issues are ones Republicans have pushed, and they’ve done a great job of defining ‘mainstream America’ as a bloc of voters who are opposed to gay marriage and abortion and stem cell research, and it’s hard for Democrats to not look at each other and say, “I don’t want to break bread with those people.”

This moral righteousness has been brilliantly conceived by conservatives, because it frames the issue in a heartland-vs-urban dispute. It strokes the values of small-town America, where (I assume) people care deeply about ‘family values,’ while not necessarily capturing -- but more importantly, not really bothering -- urban people who don't so much care about it. The Republicans have been extremely smart in essentially defining what America's morals are, and then being able to claim that they stand for them.

It's kind of the same exercise that MTV or Clear Channel goes through: it plays a select few songs over and over, until it has monopolized what its listeners are familiar with, and then claims to give listeners the songs they want to hear. Their claim might be true, but they conveniently were the ones that defined what their listeners wanted to hear. Very smart.

And in my gut, I don't want to share an agenda with people who vote against gay marriage. I don't want my politicians using religious rhetoric to court voters. I don't want to rally next to people whose primary interest is buying assault weapons. But here's where I think the difference is: while I don't want that, neither did a lot of Bush voters.

Permalink: 10:43 AM | Comments (1)

Most insensitive headline of the election

It's hard to beat this one: Gays big losers.

Note to the Chicago Red Streak: sometimes, brevity doesn't cut it.

Permalink: 05:49 PM | Comments (0)

Stop the presses! No, really. Stop them.

I would love to have seen the scene yesterday at Random House Publishing: two authors, one Democrat and one Republican, silently rooting against their candidate of choice so their jokey coffee table book would be published. Will it be bathroom reading for right-wing wingnuts or pinko lefties? Kerry-haters or Bush-haters? A waste of paper called "250 Ways to Make It Through the Next Four Years Without Mandatory French Class" or a waste of paper called "250 Ways to Make It Through the Next Four Years Without Misunderestimating the Dangers Ahead"?

Well, we all know the answer. Its appropriately lame press release, sent out to publications everywhere, comes after the jump.

Permalink: 05:45 PM | Comments (0)

One more for the road

I'm too tired and bummed to write much of anything right now. But following yesterday's theme, here's my one post-election haiku:

Now I know feeling
prisoners get when parole
denied for four years

Not everyone's too tired, though: My friend Roberto Scalese, who is quickly becoming the in-house pundit here at Happyscrappy, has some great advice for what led the Democrats to defeat, and what they need to do to turn things around. It includes:

There's an infuriating tendency for Democrats and liberals in general to just assume that everyone knows why their position is correct, and why anyone who disagrees is a racist, sexist, idiot or is just plain evil. It's the year 2004 and we still call people evil. The entire party sounds like a junior high debate team. Evangelicals are NOT YOUR ENEMY. Southerners are not your enemy. Ranchers and hunters are not your enemy. If these people disagree with you, convince them otherwise. Stop assuming they're hicks who don't know any better. Those hicks are voting you out of office.

Permalink: 08:21 AM | Comments (0)

Election haikus: is anything about today poetic?

So much has already been said about this election, so on this (hopefully) final day, let's keep things short -- like, say, to 17 syllables.

It's election day!
The country waits to see who
has better lawyers.

Will P. Diddy kill
non-voters? If jailed, at least
one good thing happens.

One-three-nine years since
last civil war. Can we make
it to one-forty?

The campaign's over?
What will TV stations do
for ad revenue?

A traitor? Fader?
Fair trader? An invader?
Impact of Nader?

Who needs exit polls?
To know results, just check
sweat on Fox News’s brow

And God said to Jeb:
“Count all votes this time, and plague
of hurricanes lifts.”

(More haikus will be added throughout the day. Got one? E-mail it to me, or add it to the comments section.)

Permalink: 12:58 PM | Comments (5)

Election Day table scraps:

♣JOSH MARSHALL HAS some good election day survival advice.

♣IF YOU'RE FEELING especially partisan today, check out this list of food companies' donations to political causes. Most companies (including Heinz) are siding with Bush, but at least the Democrats have Diageo -- makers of fine products such as Bailey's and Captain Morgan -- on their side.

♣THERE IS PERHAPS one person in the world who is guaranteed not to suffer after today's results are announced, and it's not because she's five years old.

♣SINCE 1936, THE Washington Redskins have predicted the next president: a Redskins loss on the Sunday before Election Day has been followed by the incumbent losing his stay in the White House. Last Sunday, the Redskins lost.

♣THE CAMPAIGNING MAY be over after today, but it's still worth checking out this piece about ABC news producers trying to attend rallies of candidates while wearing the shirts of their opponents. Bottom line: they were accepted at the Kerry rallies, and booted out of the Bush events.

♣NO SURPRISE, BUT still worth a sigh: when Fox News ran a story about a poll showing Bush ahead by two points, its headline was "Bush Up By Two Points Over Kerry." When it ran a story about a poll showing Kerry ahead by two points, its headline was "Voters Split."

♣LEGENDARY COLUMNIST JIMMY Breslin wrote his last regular column for Newsday today, and it starts out as cocky as ever: "One day last May, I assigned the election to John Kerry. I said it early, and often. As I looked more, I saw that it shouldn't even be close. I said that in this space more than once. Now I am so sure that I am not even going to bother to watch the results tonight. I am going to bed early..."

♣REPORTERS WHO WANT to cover Bush's election night event tonight will have to cough up some cash: "$300 for the privilege of a 3-by-2-foot work space and a padded seat in a tent nearby to watch the proceedings on television. Wanna eat? That's $200 extra." Is this going to the Bush-Cheney retirement fund?

♣THREE HUNDRED CHILDREN were attacked by blood-sucking monkeys in India. Ok, so this doesn't have anything to do with the election -- or does it?

Permalink: 12:20 PM | Comments (0)

A public service announcement

If you live in a swing state, please take note: There have been plenty of stories warning of the intense and partisan scrutiny voters will be coming under tomorrow, by campaign volunteers looking to block votes. If you notice anything fishy, or experience a problem yourself, please make sure to call the Election Protection Hotline at 1-866-MY-VOTE1 to report problems, or 1-866-OUR-VOTE for immediate legal assistance. Let’s make sure this election is decided by voters, not lawyers.

Also: if you don't know where you're supposed to vote, visit mypollingplace.com. If that doesn't have it, call your city or town clerk, or visit your state's official website.

Permalink: 01:38 PM | Comments (0)

Ninety-nine marked toilets on the wall, ninety-nine marked toilets...

Ever hear the parable about hell being nothing more than a long banquet table with exquisite food, but nobody seated at the table can bend their arms? (Heaven, the story goes, is the same scene, except everyone's feeding each other.) With that in mind, here are some photos of doggy hell: toilet water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Then again, it's probably also hell for any human needing to drop a load.

Anyway, that's the inside a chemical engineering firm that does toilet cleaner tests. These photos were passed along from my friend's friend.

Permalink: 01:24 PM | Comments (0)