It's too bad about the teenager, but at least the killing man is dead

Check out the headline on this AP piece:

I'm guessing that's "charged with killing man." Funny mistake, though.

Permalink: 01:23 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣WEATHERMAN MARK MATHIS was known for wild antics during his 90-second spot, so much so that he often didn't even get around to talking about the weather. (Check out this video collection of his spots.) Sadly, though, he was also a raving alcoholic -- and is now out of a job.

♣MARK YOUR CALENDARS! There may be no more exciting event than Rodentfest 2005! From the site: "You'll meet people who keep/breed all sorts of small pets. We always have mice, rats and hamsters. We often have gerbils, guinea pigs and others. In fact, if it's small and fuzzy, it could very well be at RodentFest!"

♣WEAPONS OF MASS seduction? Looks like somebody at the Pentagon was watching Sandra Bullock's debut flick.

♣TODAY'S HERO AWARD goes to Gloria Doster, who, along with her husband, shot dead two robbers who had held up their store. She said: "I just started shooting. I was trying to blow his brains out is what I was trying to do." And that, I think, is awesome. I have mixed feelings about gun laws and am non-violent by nature, but I really do love when victims fight back. Love it.

♣WHO KNEW BANANA protectors are such hot items? Recently I noted a rather intriguing-looking one, and now, thanks to an e-mail from the fine folks at Cityrag, I learn of another one: Banana Bunker. But, wait, look at its website. Can anyone tell what this thing is? A giant flex-straw? Does it only cover one half of the banana? What on earth is that diagram trying to tell me? And is the bunker on the left - the one on the giant banana framing the screen -- cracked? It sure looks like it. What the hell?

♣WAIT, CONGRESS IS going to do something responsible? We'll see, depending on whether or not it passes the "Stop Government Propaganda Act," which is aiming to stop the government from putting pundits on its payroll (Williams, Gallagher, McManus, more?) and releasing fake news stories promoting its agendas.

♣THE DEBATE IS heating up over San Francisco's plan to charge shoppers for every plastic grocery bag they use. My take: If you don't support this idea, you're a jerk. Every city should follow this lead.

♣AND THEN, THERE's this. Oh, and this.

Permalink: 12:16 AM | Comments (1)

What's ickier, "milf" or "yummy mummies"?

Kudos to USA Today for getting a little risky by writing about -- and I use their term here -- hot moms. Sure, it attaches the story to the popularity of "Desperate Housewives" and focuses more on fashion than genetics, but the message is still clear: Some people are just way more attractive than other people. Sometimes, you just have to call it like it is. (Case in point: Check out the not-hot mom on the very right side of that photo. Coincidence?) Not to mention, the story takes itself seriously the whole time and never mentions the terms "milf" or "hoochie momma." Wow.

But what I'm most impressed with is the guts of the reporter -- yes, a woman -- who had to troll an airport looking for women she determined were hot moms. The woman above, included in this photo gallery of hot moms, was also interviewed for the story. I'm just trying to imagine the conversation.

Reporter: Hi, I'm a reporter with the USA Today, and I saw you at baggage claim and thought you were hot--

Mom: I'm sorry, I don't swing that way.

Reporter: No, no, sorry, I don't mean it like that. Hah. See, I'm writing a story about hot women who--

Mom: Right, sure. Listen lady, do you have no decency? Don't you see I have kids here?

Reporter: Yes, I know, I need them to be a part of this as well. I have this photographer, see, and--

Mom: Security!

Permalink: 10:04 AM | Comments (2)

Bring on the polygamy

I received a funny spam e-mail a few days ago:

From: Alexandra Oakley (sergius@deafemail.net)
Date: Sunday, January 23, 2005 3:03 PM
To: Jason Feifer
Subject: Hotties want to hangout

4 Wives looking for fun have been matched for you in your area:

1: Alexandra, 126 lbs, 5'8, 36c, 12 miles away, available Jan 14-18th
2: Alexandra, 136 lbs, 5'9, 36d, 14 miles away, available most week nights ( looking for side-fling)
3: Alexandra, 136 lbs, 5'9, 34b, 10 miles away, available Jan 14-18th
4: Alexandra, 122 lbs, 5'9, 36c, 14 miles away, available Jan 14-18th

All 4 women are waiting to speak with you live & have photos. Webcam's are available for all 4.

(Link to a porn site is here, which I won't repeat.)

First of all, I like that the spammer wants to offer me a variety of cheating wives, but this really lacks diversity in the name department. What if I don't like Alexandras? What if, you know, I was really looking for some home-wrecking with a Debbie? Totally out of luck here.

But more importantly, someone at the Infidelity Clearinghouse needs to update the records. The e-mail arrived on Jan. 23, and most of these women are only good until Jan. 18. What the hell kind of choice is that? What does this spammer think I am, some kind of desperate homebody? Happy to settle on any Alexandra, whether she lives 10 miles away or 14? Is 5'8 or 5'9? Not just any Alexandra will do, pal. Sure, I could still have the Alexandra that's 136 lbs and 5'9 and 36d, but that doesn't do me a lot of good if I had my heart set on the Alexandra that's 136 lbs and 5'9 and a 34b. You raised my hopes, and then smashed them like a cheating wife breaking her husband's heart. What a crock. That's it: No Alexandras for me.

Still, I'm humored by the idea of cheating wives who sign up with an Internet service to be pimped out by spam. That's, like, Libido v2.0. Someone needs to suggest that as a storyline for "Desperate Housewives."

Permalink: 01:11 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣THE MOVIE "WICKER Park" looks pretty dumb, but at least one song off its sound track is outstanding: The Postal Service covering Phil Collins's "Against All Odds."

♣INDEED, THERE IS a blog for everyone: "Squidblog is run by two people who are fascinated by giant squid and related semi-mythical creatures." Of course, I should admit here that I think giant squid are pretty damn fascinating. (via collision detection)

♣FOOTBALL. DAYS TO delivery, 6. Male postal carrier was talkative and asked recipient about the scores of various current games. Carrier noted that mail must be wrapped. That's just one of many odd items mailed in a fairly pointless experiment.

♣THE GAME IS called Chuck, and that's what you do.

♣THE CIA MIGHT be good at cracking codes, but what's taking the agency so long to crack the one outside its cafeteria window?

♣GO WILLIE NELSON! If a trucker's going to buy biodeisel from anybody, it's him.

♣PROVING ONCE AGAIN that parody can never be stranger than fact, here's a sad mix: A fake editorial praising God for the tsunami because "not since the time of Noah has God used water so effectively to harass sinners and wreak havoc upon those who don't flatter Him with sufficient regularity," and then a real church group saying essentially the same thing. (And interestingly, here's an equally insane church that hates the other church.)

♣AND THEN, THERE'S this.

Permalink: 01:32 AM | Comments (2)

The guy behind the guy

So, if Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage is the Kingpin, who the hell is Spidey?

Permalink: 11:05 AM | Comments (2)

To: Bush. Love: Zarqawi

Abu Musab Zarqawi lobbed a nice little present over to Bush yesterday, in a speech it appears he gave opposing the election. He said:

"We have declared a fierce war on this evil principle of democracy and those who follow this wrong ideology. Anyone who tries to help set up this system is part of it."

How perfect is that for Bush? It's almost laughable. He's spent years simplifying a complex world by claiming terrorists are motivated by a hatred for democracy and freedom, even though I can't remember any terrorist until now outright saying, "We hate democracy! We hate freedom!" As liberals tried and failed to point out, it's so much more intertwined than that: They hate occupation, they hate the way the West has ravaged and rearranged their lands and then mined it for oil, on and on. But not in this speech. Zarqawi breaks it down just the way Bush likes it: He hates democracy. Now Bush can -- and I'm sure, will -- point to this speech over and over as proof of the terrorists' blatant hatred for all we hold sacred. It's really too perfect. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I'd wonder if this speech was a plant.

Permalink: 09:58 AM | Comments (2)

Yeah, well, it snowed

This parking meter, which is down the street from my apartment, pretty much sums up the weekend. But in case you want more from my neighborhood:

Permalink: 03:02 PM | Comments (1)

Put those medications to good use...

...by helping my friend Sara complete her master's thesis on medication compliance at the Institute of Design in Chicago! If you take at least one medication on a regular basis -- prescription or over-the-counter, brand-name or generic, even birth control counts -- then please click here to take a short, mostly multiple-choice question survey.

Sara's an old friend of mine, so you'd be doing me a favor by doing her a favor and taking this survey. But if fuzzy feelings of goodwill don't motivate you, Sara has offered a big and wonderful incentive to all who take the survey, and it just might be the best thing you've ever seen in your entire life. Details are after the jump...

Permalink: 07:19 PM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣I'VE MET MANY old ladies who attribute their longevity to a beer or glass of whiskey a day. It turns out, according to this study, they're right.

♣THE QUOTE OF the month goes to a guy arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer, who explained: "I should have known something was up. She had all her teeth."

♣DIE-HARD RED Sox fan waits years for his team to win the World Series. Before they do, he falls into a coma. Now he's awake, and feels cheated.

♣I WAS REALLY skeptical of this at first, but it's now been confirmed: It is indeed funny watching a guy in an Elmo costume dance in a driveway to U2's "Vertigo."

♣NOT LIKE ANYBODY needs further proof that Fox News is a Republican mouthpiece, but this nugget of sadness is worth a slow shake of the head: The station is promoting Zell Miller as a representative of the Democrats, and one of his first quotes is just, well, staggering. Perhaps this is a good time to remind folks that, for $8.95, there's a handy little gadget to make Fox News disappear -- well, from your own television, at least.

♣IT'S BEEN A while since I've linked to a Super-Fun-Pak-Comix by Tom the Dancing Bug, so there you go. It's been less time since I linked to a new Gary Benchley episode, but that time has come again.

♣AND THEN, THERE'S this.

Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

Ain't nothin' but a G thing, baby.

Just who is leading the hip-hop nation? Check out my new piece in McSweeney's for the answer.

Permalink: 09:23 AM | Comments (3)

Table scraps:

♣IS THIS A dead man with a great sense of humor, a great appreciation for the arts, or just a love of naked men? Either way, he left the city of Seattle with a $1 million gift -- and it must be spent on a statue featuring a realistic-looking life-size nude man. It's a good thing Michael Powell can't regulate fountains.

♣POOP IN THE news: Inmates hurl poop when they got no Christmas presents, cow poop is generating electricity, and there's a pet poop problem in Mississippi.

♣THE WEATHER WILL be a bit rocky today -- in space.

♣SO, WHAT HAPPENS when you step onto a public transportation bus and accidentally stick your pre-paid card into the slot for dollars? Surprisingly, the system takes pity on you.

♣CULTURE CLASH OF foods: Chop Suey is American. German chocolate cake is American. Caesar Salad? Well, it's not named after Julius -- and it's not American.

♣YOU KNOW THE pimp stereotype? Pimps love it.

♣HERE'S AN INTERESTING take by an animator on the faults of the so-called revolutionary animation in "The Polar Express." Be sure to scroll down and see how he improved the stills from the movie.

♣AND THEN THERE'S this and this.

Permalink: 12:24 AM | Comments (0)

Wait, that's not a banana!!!

...aaaaaaaand, I've hit a new low. Thankyouverymuch.

Permalink: 01:03 PM | Comments (2)

Fear of Sex, part VIII: Unhappy endings (and beginnings)

This is going to be the last regularly scheduled episode of Fear of Sex, although I'll bring it back from time to time. It turns out that after being somewhat aghast at the first things I read in the 1922 non-classic "Ethical Sex Relations, or The New Eugenics," it's getting a bit difficult to mine for gems. So, it makes more sense to just dedicate this feature to the occasional nugget. Today, then, I'd like to end this series on an extremely ugly note, to give the book its proper send-off. I'll let you interpret the following for yourself:

Permalink: 12:30 PM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣A LONG-STANDING inside joke among professional comedians is about to be unleashed into the world, thanks to a new film called "The Aristocrats." The joke is, depending on who you ask, a way to impress other comedians, a way to psych out rookie comics, or just something tasteless that's been around forever. Either way, the movie sounds kind of amusing, and this South Park clip gives a good preview of things to come.

♣FCC FEARS RUN amok! Fox blurred out a cartoon butt on "Family Guy" because it was afraid of being spanked by the government, even though the butt ran unedited when the show first aired five years ago.

♣MISSISSIPPI, THAT GREAT red state, is still not evolved enough to take a day off in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Instead, according to a state government answering machine yesterday, the day is for the memory of Robert E. Lee and, oh yeah, King.

♣WHAT'S OVER AT HotLesbianSheepAction.com? You'll be surprised.

♣IN THE DAYS following a "Rebel Billionaire" episode in which one contestant streaks at a concert, tons of people did Google searches for photos from the event and accidentally ended up on my site. (As far as I can tell, this is the only post I've ever had on the show, so they'll be rather disappointed.) Turns out -- no surprise -- I wasn't the only one getting these hits. But unlike me, that guy performed a service to these rabid Googlers and actually found the photos.

♣AND THEN THERE'S this.

Permalink: 10:38 AM | Comments (1)

Now that's what I call 'planning ahead'

Apparently, the city of Boston's Web site is written to be relevant in the year 2014, which is the first time this entry from its "Places of interest" section will make any sense:

Blessed Sacrament Church
Centre and Creighton Streets
Built in 1913 in the Neo-Romanesque style, Blessed Sacrament Church has dominated neighborhood life for more than one hundred years.

Makes you want to pay taxes, doesn't it?

Permalink: 07:55 AM | Comments (0)

Internet tip of the year: Don't let your domain name expire

Holy moley, I had an anxiety-ridden 10 minutes this afternoon. My friend Roberto, who has requested (and was immediately granted) the title of Patron Saint of Happy Scrappy, called me to say an e-mail he sent me had been bounced back. I tried sending him an e-mail -- my address is at happyscrappy.com -- and the program refused. It told me happyscrappy.com does not exist.

"When my e-mail was bounced back, it said it was a permanent error," Roberto said.

"We need to make this non-permanent," I said.

Permalink: 06:26 PM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣THE QUOTE OF the week comes from an 80-year-old man included in a New York Times piece about free newspapers. The man is in the hospital and said he loves getting the free papers because "I check the obituaries each morning to see if I'm in there." Bam!

♣DO MENTAL HEALTH advocates in Vermont need to lighten up? They're loudly protesting a Valentine's Day teddy bear made by a local company, because it's sold in a straightjacket and comes with the message "Crazy for You."

♣SOME PEOPLE ARE just blinded by their desire for overpriced treats.

♣"SOMEBODY HOLLERED AND I looked up and just stuck out my arms and caught it," he said. "I caught it like a football. I was fixing to run for a touchdown with it." It's a good thing he didn't slam it to the ground like a touchdown, though, because he had just caught a small dog that fell five stories.

♣NOT THAT ANYBODY really needed this, but here's basically the Jerky Boys of cybersex.

♣MAIL A CAMERA, leave instructions for postal workers to take photos with the camera, and see what happens!

♣IT LOOKS LIKE a great Photoshop job, but the very real human-like facial features on this fish are downright freaky. (And here's another freaky photo -- but only to people who think Winnie the Pooh is their lord and savior. Grilled cheese, anyone?)

Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (1)

Two-four-six-eight, who do we appreciate?

Occasionally, I like to share some truly shameless press releases that have been forwarded on to me by friends and readers. But the one I'm about to share is just downright desperate. It's hawking spraypaint for hair, and pitching it as if it's an essential component for football fans. Lame? Yes, especially in including this totally made-up quote:

And even if you can't make it to the big games, ColourFX is just right for any game day parties you attend. Said Indianapolis Colts fan Kendall O'Neill, who frequents the New York City bar Brother Jimmy's for Colts playoff games, "We bought a box of ColourFX in Bizarre Blue and Wicked White and we all spray up before we hit the pub. Spraying the other fans' heads in the bar has become our favorite pastime during commercial breaks!"

ColourFX: The perfect product when you really want your ass kicked!

But nothing beats this collection of photos the press release directed me to, especially the one above. Nevermind that the guy on the left looks like a heavier version of the OC's Seth Cohen, but what's the implication here? Oh! Oh! Is your hair ready? It's gametime, girlfriend! What is this, the jockettes? Who thought this was the right way to sell a product to beefy, beer-drinking manly men? This publicist needs to be fired, or at least forcefully kicked through some goalposts.

Anyway, the full press release is after the jump.

Permalink: 09:12 AM | Comments (2)

Well, it sure ain't raining men

In the Czech Republic, the weather's always hot! Or, ok, that's not true. The weather's always sleazy! That's thanks to Pocasicko, a daily televised weather segment in which a naked women comes on screen and dresses in something appropriate for tomorrow's weather. (See archives). I learned about this over the weekend from a question in the 90's version of Trivial Pursuit (no joke), and was totally impressed. Sure, it's exploitive and disrespectful, and doesn't offer anything for straight women or gay men, but it makes me woefully remember that my country would have a collective heart attack if this was ever broadcast. At least I know one country Michael Powell will never travel to.

By the way, here's a funny description of the show, from somebody who traveled to the Czech:

1. first, the theme music would play to the opening credits that consisted of a sunset, the word "pocasicko", and a silhouette of a naked woman dancing seductively. . .

2. the screen would then cut to that nite's weather chick's name. . .

3. next, the weather chick would appear on the tv screen *completely* naked, and sorta dance and gyrate to some crappy music while slowly putting on clothing suitable for the following day's weather (e.g. a miniskirt for hot weather, a miniskirt and an umbrella for rainy weather, or maybe a miniskirt and a big down jacket for cold weather). . .

4. once the final article of clothing was put on, some rooster would crow and the next day's temperature and weather predictions would flash on the screen. . .

5. in the end, the closing credits, identical to the opening credits, would roll. ..

the main problem with catching the naked weather chick was that for some fucked-up reason, every nite it started at a different time. . . it always kicked in at *around* 11pm but you never really knew if she'd appear at 10:32pm, 10:55pm, or 11:43pm unless you had a tv listing - and getting a newspaper just to see someone romp around naked while putting on clothes seemed kinda sad. . .

Permalink: 07:54 AM | Comments (1)

Poopy poopy poetry

I'm getting giddy for the movie version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, one of my favorite childhood books. In fact, I'm so excited that it's forced me to do something I absolutely despise: write poetry. There's a contest challenging folks to write a poem in the tradition of the Vogon, an overly sober alien race that writes really bad poetry because reading it is good punishment. It's hard to argue with that.

Anyway, just for kicks, here's my entry.

The Size of Small Things
By Jason Feifer

I, the weeper, weepingly weep
For I am sad, sad, sad
Sleepily, I cry myself to sleep
And I wake up mad, mad, mad

The universe is universally large
And I am small -- and I feel small
Who is in charge? Who can take charge?
Is this all? All and all?

But!
What!
Is!
That!
Thing on my foot!?

It looks like a pretty flower
It is not. It is not.
It looks like a giant wart
It is. It is.

It is a giant wart, smaller than I
In this universe of smalls, it is smaller -- than I
I am pained by this wart, for it is deep.
But I feel large by its smallness. Is that deep?

I, the weeper, no longer weep
For I am glad, glad, glad
Sleepily, I lay myself to sleep
And I wake up. Oh yes, I wake up.

Permalink: 07:21 AM | Comments (1)

Fear of sex, part VII: Vague concept(ion)

It turns out that in a time before anybody knew about chromosomes, the theories behind what determines a baby’s sex were wildly non-scientific -- and, if you can believe it (and I know you can), wildly sexist! My favorite: If the egg is imperfect, it’s a girl. If it’s perfect, well, take a guess. In this week's episode of Fear of Sex, the authors of the 1922 non-classic "Ethical Sex Relations, or The New Eugenics" brief us on just what makes a baby boy or girl. Prepare to be ejucatid.

Oh, and since today's topic might be a slight deviation from the normal sex-is-so-scary fare, feel free to fill that void with this great old public service announcement (video) about the dangers of porn.

Now, on with the show:

Page: 129
Chapter title: Conception
Section title: Sex at will

The question as to the possibility of producing the sexes at will, has been discussed with a great deal of interest by different writers and investigators. One of the first views entertained was that the husband had the power of producing either sex, inasmuch as the seed from the right side produced the male, and from the left the female. Another theory was advanced in regard to the ovaries of the female, it being set forth that the eggs from the right produced boys, and those from the left girls. It was claimed that by lying on the right side, during coition, the issue would be male, and on the left, female. These theories are absurd. It has also been urged that the stronger parent exerts the greatest impression; that where the father is strong and the mother feeble, the issue is more apt to be a boy, and in the reverse, a girl. It has by some been maintained that the oldest parent somewhat influences the sex; that where the father is older than the mother, males predominate in offspring.

However, the theory of the cause of sex according to Dr. Hollick and others, has been most advocated of all. It is claimed that the sex developed from any egg depends upon the stage of ripeness of that egg when impregnated; that is, the egg of the human female is at first only partially developed, as it leaves the ovaries; but as it descends into and remains in the womb, it ripens more perfectly. If it becomes impregnated in its imperfect state, the egg will develop into a girl; but if impregnation occurs later, when the egg is more perfectly developed, the result is a boy. His rule, therefore, to insure either sex, is as follows: To produce a girl, intercourse should be indulged in only on the last day of the monthly flow, or during the two first days that follow its stoppage. To produce a boy, intercourse should not take place till the sixth day after the stoppage of the menses. Stock breeders generally endorse this plan.

Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

Two pictures, 2,000 different words: part 2

That is one a short skirt!

Alright, fine, so I'm bored again. But the last one I did seemed funny enough, right? Oh, those athletes! (Here's the original tennis photo, and new background.)

Permalink: 11:31 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

♣MAN (AND WOMAN)'S best friend looks amazingly like man and woman. But what kind of dog would this guy be?

♣I DO LOVE a good case of somebody making "statements against their judicial interest" -- that is, the (I think) legal term for "being an idiot." A good example, as this guy shows, is bragging to police that you sell drugs while they're arresting you for something unrelated.

♣OK, SO WE know Jenny's phone number -- 867-5309 -- but what area code is it in? One person goes hunting. (And other people, well, they're more interested in calling Ol' Dirty Bastard.)

♣HERE'S SOMETHING I bet this guy didn't count on: A hooker he brought home one night called police to alert them to his massive and disturbing child porn collection.

♣SALON RAN AN article Saturday by "danah boyd," and I wondered if perhaps someone forgot to capitalize her name -- and then, on second thought, worried that someone who hasn't grown out of an ee cummings phase actually convinved the magazine to leave her byline unformatted. Her personal site confirms the latter. She makes a semi-reasonable argument for keeping her name lower-case, but, well, it's still not very convincing. Grammar isn't the Man trying to keep you down; it's there for uniformity and professionalism. You want to make up your own rules? That's great -- go publish a punk rock zine. The professional publishing world shouldn't have to look silly by accomidating you, though.

♣TWO SELF-INDULGENT notes: First, it appears the New Times actually did decide to run my letter -- oh, only a month after it should have! And second, this blog was mentioned in a California newspaper column late last month. Hooray for free publicity!

Permalink: 10:30 AM | Comments (0)

Two pictures, 2,000 different words

And now, because it's snowing heavily outside and I've got nothing better to do, here's a little Photoshop fun I had with these soccer guys:

Ta-da!

Permalink: 12:17 PM | Comments (0)

Casting call for a new pronoun

The English language is missing a key part of its language: a gender-neutral singular pronoun that can refer to a person. Sure, we have a gender-neutral singular pronoun -- it's "it" -- but the word is dehumanizing. We need something that can be used when we don't know the gender of somebody but need to refer to that person anyway. Right now, we can use "him or her" -- as in, "The lottery winner can come forward to claim his or her prize" -- but that's really clumsy. Often, by mistake, we end up using a gender-neutral plural pronoun, like this editor did in a recent column:

The situation was brought to our attention by one nameless writer who recognized what was happening, and cared enough to let us know. In addition to my apology, let me thank that letter writer for their concern.

The "their" was italicized by me, not the editor. But, see what's wrong there? Apparently sci-fi and transgender folks have latched on to the pronoun "hir" (as in, "I told hir") to fit this need, but I think that simply combining "him" and "her" sounds a bit too silly. We need something new and fresh. Sure, English is already full of holes, but this is one that could really use some fixing.

And now, I will step off the linguistic soapbox. Thank you.

Permalink: 11:49 AM | Comments (1)

Table scraps:

♣KEVIN KAVANAUGH'S TEETH are perfect, ok? They're not all gross and grimy, see? Ok? He's a model, dammit! His teeth are awesome! White and straight and beautiful and awesome! If anyone else suggests otherwise, well, they're in trouble. Oh boy.

♣GOT ANY OLD t-shirts lying around? Why not turn them into underwear? (This link comes from a pretty interesting blog devoted to -- you guessed it -- t-shirts.)

♣THIS IS A waste of something, but what? Post-it notes? Time? Energy? A life? Oh, it's too much.

♣"YOU ARE GETTING sleeeeeppyyyyy. I am getting seeexxxxyyyyyy..." Hypnotist is busted for getting it on with his clients.

♣ASHLEE SIMPSON'S WOES continue. Check out the video of her ultra-off-key performance, followed by a rain of boos. Maybe she should have stuck with the lip-sync. (Too bad people can't just throw balls at her -- like this.)

♣THE NEWEST, AND longest, Gary Benchley episode. (And from the same site: A fun gallery of small-bear-will-travel photos.

Permalink: 10:42 AM | Comments (0)

Diplomacy in action

First, the goodwill soundbyte:

Secretary of State Colin Powell said in Indonesia Tuesday that the United States is throwing its financial and military weight into southern Asian relief efforts not to gain favor in the Islamic world but because it's what Americans do.

The opportunity for Muslims to see "American values in action" is a welcome byproduct, he said.

...and then, the wrong gesture during the photo op.

Oh boy.

Permalink: 06:38 PM | Comments (2)

Fear of Sex, part VI: The early bases

In this week's episode of Fear of Sex, the authors of the 1922 non-classic "Ethical Sex Relations, or The New Eugenics" let us know that puppy love is for puppies. For, when humans have courted long enough to engage in the huge emotional burden known as the "first kiss," why, anything could happen. But if that "anything" doesn't include marriage, then you're probably going to hell.

Page: 82
Chapter title: Courtship
Section title: Dangers During Courtship

“The first kiss” is universal, at least in democratic America, at or soon after a lover is accepted. In America, therefore, it seems almost useless to advise that such indulgence be tabooed during the period of “engagement” and before marriage. But may there not be danger that all shall not end with chaste salutes? Long and uninterrupted periods of secluded companionship are all so common in this land of freedom that it is amazing how young ladies safely arrive at the wedding day, when we also consider the amount of rascality that is abroad in the world. If they fully realized the large element of sensuality liable to be aroused in the love of even the best men, they would tremble at the risks they run.

Permalink: 08:14 AM | Comments (0)

And the Clumsiest Pandering Award goes to...

Urban Outfitters has a line of girly t-shirts that say "Everyone loves a (race/religion) girl," which presumably are supposed to be bought and worn by girls of that race/religion. But funny enough, as you see above, the store made zero attempt at actually getting models that match the shirts. The Catholic and Jewish shirts are modeled by the same girl -- and ok, hey, maybe she's both. But, the Asian one? Come on now. What happened, did the store misread the shirt and think it said "Aryan"?

"I just thought it was odd that they make no attempt to match the ethnicity of the model to the phrase on the shirt. Not that they have to, but for a product that is so obviously meant to be worn by a specific group of people, it seems odd," writes an asute reader named Kristin, who noticed this while shopping online and pointed it out to me. Totally.

Permalink: 01:25 PM | Comments (15)

Table scraps:

♣THESE GUYS MUST be picking wax out of the most uncomfortable of places for weeks. And yet, there they are -- on what I assume is a Japenese game show (video) in which two men play rock-paper-scissors, and the loser gets a bucket of hot wax dumped on him. (via)

♣MAYBE IT'S OLD news to everyone, but I was just told about this great rendition of the famous photograph of Lee Harvey Oswald being shot. Hilarious.

♣ARE MEN REALLY this desperate and pathetic? A so-called dating expert has actually suggested that men pick up girls with a hand puppet. But if you think that's sad, check out some of his calmer material -- like, say, "Top Five Conversation Topics For a First Date with Single Women." Apparently men are so damn afraid of their date that they can't think of anything to say. I just imagine some poor schlub nervously unfolding a piece of paper, carefully studying it, then looking up at his date and saying, "So, do you have any brothers or sisters?" Smooth.

♣"...AN EDITOR TOOK me aside and told me -- this is an absolutely true quote -- 'you used to be funnier.' That was more than 30 years ago, and since then, hardly a week has gone by during which somebody has not told me that I used to be funnier. At least he knows it. Dave Barry has finally penned his final column, years after he stopped being funny. Too bad even this one was a snoozer.

♣A NEW ONLINE magazine called Sonic Slang has picked up my friend Joe's comic strip Duck & Monkey. Now, everyone has another way to view his stuff -- and really, the more the better.

♣BECAUSE MAKING FUN of the color-coded terror alert system never gets old, here's the Sesame Street version. (Via Andy Martello, a new addition to the blogroll.)

Permalink: 10:16 AM | Comments (1)

Words, it turns out, do speak louder than actions

Here's a tip from the White House to anyone out there looking to shed a few pounds: Instead of working really hard at dieting and exercise, just lie to yourself by saying you used to be way heavier than you ever were -- and then take great pride in all the weight you've apparently already lost! You can turn stagnation into progress, and still have time for a donut.

What does that have to do with the White House? Oh, it just borrows a little bit of Bush logic. Consider this from yesterday's New York Times:

To make Mr. Bush's goal (of cutting the deficit in half) easier to reach, administration officials have decided to measure their progress against a $521 billion deficit they predicted last February rather than last year's actual shortfall of $413 billion.

By starting with the outdated projection, Mr. Bush can say he has already reduced the shortfall by about $100 billion and claim victory if the deficit falls to just $260 billion.

Say what you want, but that man is efficient.

Permalink: 12:03 AM | Comments (0)