March 31, 2005

A little something for everybody

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Please enjoy a one-page comic my friend Joe and I put together: Tales from an adolescent sex life. Fellas, don't try denying it: It's funny because it's true.

Joe (of Duck and Monkey) and I are currently working on a full-length comic book about something quite different from the troubles of 14-year-olds hooking up, but this was a quickie idea I had that we slapped together for the hell of it. Enjoy.


Permalink: 12:33 PM | Comments (6)

March 29, 2005

I am that dumb customer

Yesterday my head was feeling a bit foggy, which often happens when I haven't eaten in a while. So, I called a pizza place and had this conversation:

Pizza guy: Thank you for calling Papa Gino's. Take out or delivery?

Me: Uh... how's pick up?

Pizza guy: Ok. (pause) What would you like?

Oh, right: Take out means pick up. I'd like a quicker brain, please. I'll take it to go.


Permalink: 12:10 AM | Comments (1)

Mixed Michael messages

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It's Michaels from coast to coast, but that's probably the closest we'll get to agreeing on what's important.


Permalink: 12:03 AM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2005

Table scraps:

"NO JOCKSTRAPS ALLOWED. No underpants-- nothin` whatsoever. And it's no good with tight trousers, mind ye. Little bah-stards have to be able to move around inside there from ankle to ankle." And those are the rules of ferret-legging, from this book.

FOR THOSE WHO are thrilled by even the most mundane Napoleon Dynamite soundbite, you best start clicking. (Via Funny Tasting Iced Tea.)

I'LL BE TRAVELING to Australia in May (whoo!), and already more than one person has asked me to check out the direction water spins in a flushed toilet there. I had heard the legend before -- that it spins differently than it does in America because it's in a different hemisphere -- but I doubt I'd ever notice even if there was a difference. But here's a better reason not to notice: That legend is totally false.

IF YOU'RE EVER looking for a good clearinghouse of videos of people getting hurt -- you know, the ol' skateboarding accidents and stunts gone wrong -- check out Big Boys. I found it over the weekend, and while it also has a large stable of cheap male thrills (if you're in to that sort of thing), the injury films make it worth the trip.

LADIES, THIS MAN is looking for some fine wine and fine conversation.

AND THEN, THERE'S this. (Via Millerbull.)


Permalink: 11:18 AM | Comments (0)

Getting personal with the protesters

Here’s what Michael Schiavo should have done weeks ago: Collect the names of protesters who are identified in newspaper photos, do a little research on their backgrounds, and then call a news conference to announce the following:

Thank you all for coming. Because all these protesters have chosen to insert themselves into a private family matter, I’d like to return the favor now by offering my opinion on their personal lives.

We’ll start with Jeff Asmussen. Sir, you really should have put your youngest daughter, Dana, in private school. She’s being picked on mercilessly in public school, and between that and the crowded classrooms, she’s really not learning all she should. As a result, she won’t reach her full potential, she’ll probably spend her life working some low-level retail position, and you’ll be to blame. You’re going to hell for this, Jeff, and I’ll be praying for you.
Continued after jump...

Permalink: 12:21 AM | Comments (0)

March 25, 2005

Pushy little buggers, aren't they?

Wonkette recently noted a wretched little segment on GOP.com called "Off the Record," which, in a bid to lure young voters, has cute female hosts ask Republican leaders stiff and boring questions. But don't think these girls are stand-offish. They've got questions, and they need answers now. I mean, now. Now! NOW!

Take a look at this series of questions with Ari Fleischer. I've abbreviated Ari's answers, but Katie's questions are intact and in order. Read it -- now! Now! NOW!

KATIE: Now your book you mentioned, Taking Heat, came out here on March first. Tell us a little about what you wrote in there.

FLEISCHER: Well, this book is about the President. It's about the press. It's about my years in the White House...

KATIE: Now, news has changed a lot even since you left as press secretary, especially on the Internet, and bloggers. How do you see it evolving and changing in front of your eyes?

FLEISCHER: You're right. Bloggers really took off in the 2004 campaign...

KATIE: Now you mentioned the White House press corps, that they have a bias and they have an agenda too, maybe when writing, can you maybe elaborate a little bit more on that?

FLEISCHER: Well, the thing is, for more than 20 years I worked with the Washington press corps on Capitol Hill...

KATIE: Now how did you get started here in Washington? It was here at the RNC wasn't it?

FLEISCHER: It sure was! I moved to Washington, DC after college and I was unemployed. I just loved politics...

Ari! Ari! Now now now, Ari! No time to wait, Ari! The kids don't like waiting. Ari. Ari! Are you listening, Ari? Speed things up. The kids are getting bored. Keep 'em interested or they'll start having sex with each other. Ari! What's your favorite color? Now! Ari? Ari! Stand on your head! Do it now! Oh god, they're losing interest! Now! Now, Ari! Now!


Permalink: 01:23 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

JOHN STAMOS ADMITTED to luring a girl into bed, then secretly switching places with another guy that looks like him, so he could have sex with her instead. Sleazy? Absolutely. But wait: Two people that look alike acting as one? This sounds suspiciously like what those Olsen girls pulled on "Full House". I wonder where they got the inspiration...

VAMPIRE BATS RUN, and it's fascinating. (Be sure to check out the linked movie.)

HELLO THERE, TOTALLY tasteless.

WHAT IS IT about this Terri Schiavo case that makes everyone think they should weigh in on it? The President and Congress -- well, ok, they didn't really have any right to, but it was hardly unexpected. And Mel Gibson? Again, he's got nothing to add, but it's amazing it took him this long. But seriously now: The Ultimate Warrior? What?

INTERIOR DESIGN FOR the disoriented.

BEWARE! BEWARE OF Moshzilla!

THERE'S ONLY ONE punchline, but it's a good one: The Lyrics to the Billy Joel Song "We Didn't Start the Fire" If They Were Written by a Muskrat Instead of by Billy Joel.

ON AN EXTREMELY vain note, I got rid of my big sideburns a while ago and until yesterday never got around to changing the picture of me on this site. So, for the two people who ever cared to click on my name on the left column, you'll now find a different photo.


Permalink: 12:51 AM | Comments (0)

March 24, 2005

Who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes?

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Says Kurmanbek Bakiyev, opposition leader of Kyrgyzstan, left: "The corrupt government officials, who have traded our lives for their fine cars and meals. Our people are destitute. We have nothing. Up against the wall, government!"

Says Michael Jackson, right: "Probably little Jimmy. He'd be leaning up against the wall, tempting me, and I'd... oh, wait, what are we talking about here?"


Permalink: 08:48 AM | Comments (0)

Now's the time to raise that whole "Beer is a Food Group" theory

From a story about a bill that gained approval in a Florida legislative committee:

According to a legislative staff analysis of the bill, the law would give students who think their beliefs are not being respected legal standing to sue professors and universities.

Students who believe their professor is singling them out for "public ridicule" - for instance, when professors use the Socratic method to force students to explain their theories in class - would also be given the right to sue.

The bill is actually based on Florida conservatives' paranoia over what they call "leftist totalitarianism" by "dictator professors." But professors might want to start preparing now for how to legally challenge a student whose theory involves learning more in class while stoned.


Permalink: 12:34 AM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2005

From the Customer Is Always An Idiot Department

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This weekend, I went to the former home of Louisa May Alcott, author of "Little Women." (Shut up: My family was in town and they wanted to go.) Every room is set up with ancient props -- Lousia's old clothing, her father's old books, on and on -- and yet, every room also contains a mysterious fake apple, typically placed on a table or desk. The tour guide never mentioned the apples, but they obviously stood out. They were the only thing not drab and 100 years old. Someone must have thought they were a nice touch, but it was actually a bit jarring: The rooms aren't set up to look like we're in modern-day 1800s; they're made to look like well-preserved rooms that we're exploring more than a century later. But then there are the apples, bright red and fresh-looking, like Louisa May is going to crawl out of her grave and take a bite.

In the gift shop, where the above photo was taken, there's a basket of these things for sale. They feel fragile -- very light and hollow, and obviously not real. So why, I wonder, did the museum think to implore people not to bite into them? Do they think we're really that stupid?


Permalink: 11:21 AM | Comments (5)

Table scraps:

TOPHER GRACE IS set to star in a movie based on Friendster.com. I bet I can guess the plot: Boy's friends all tell him they've found this awesome website. Boy excitedly signs on. Boy connects with old friends. Boy is thrilled! Two days later, boy gets sort of bored with old friends. Old friends get sort of bored with boy. Boy wonders what else this website can do. This website can't do anything else. Boy never signs on website again. (Alright, fine, so that was a little autobiographical.)

STOP NORMALLY, BUT go in style.

NO, ASHLEE SIMPSON did not review her own show in the Boston Herald. It was, the paper says, an editing mistake -- but "we're blaming our band for the error."

GET READY FOR "Americana International," a British event in which Europeans show a mysterious appreciation for Americana livin'. This year, though, I hear the bar fights and incest romp have been cancelled. Oh well. Still, you can check out the flash advertisement (third down on the right), which is totally just as crappy as one that would be made by an American Americana event.

EASTER BUNNIES IN malls don't just get beat up in "Mallrats." It also happens in Detroit. And in Council Bluffs, Iowa, it's the bunny doing the beating.

MORE AWESOMENESS FROM African courts: A Zimbabwe businesswoman is angry at a local musician who she paid $5,000 to get invisible mermaids to help her recover a stolen car and cash -- only to discover he couldn't deliver the mermaids! (Previous African court fun here and here.)

I'M LOVING THIS cartoon series of six things over at Heaneyland.


Permalink: 09:15 AM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2005

Commence laundry room note-writing drama

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Via the above note, taped on the wall of the laundry room, the people in my apartment building have been busy debating the finer points of the dryer. The first time I saw it -- about a week ago, before the additions -- it included a bitter final line that was something like, "Let's be human beings, shall we?" Somehow, though, that got ripped off. It's just as well -- I was aiming to be a blue-footed boobie anyway. And apparently humans can't spell. Come on, now: considrate?

(In case you can't read the note: "Please be considrate and do not interrupt wash or dry cycles while others are using the washers and dryers. No one should ever have to pay to wash or dry their clothes twice." Retort: "FYI, sometimes the dryer doesn't dry a full load. Especially if you have jeans and towels." Come-back: "Yes, but drier doors don't open on their own due to light clothing, do they? It was a very light load." Oh, boo-yah! Snap! Daaay-mmmm!)


Permalink: 12:58 AM | Comments (2)

March 21, 2005

How do you celebrate the birthday of a friend who loves poker and Natalie Portman?

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And don't forget the cake...

Continued after jump...

Permalink: 02:15 AM | Comments (1)

Table scraps:

TODAY'S VOICE OF sexual repression comes from Texas state Rep. Al Edwards, who wants to outlaw saucy cheerleading performances: "It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," he says. Break it down, Al!

"FREEBIRD!" FREEBIRD? "FREEBIRD!" How did this happen?

LOOKS LIKE I'M not alone in questioning that Men's Health list of things to say to a naked woman. Defective Yeti did it with class.

SATAN'S CALLING, AND he's looking for soles.

WHAT DO YOU suspect is at 3.14159265358979323846264 ... .com?

WORST BLOGS EVER? Just look for a company's blog, where someone seems to think stiff product promotion will win hearts and minds. They're all over the place, according to the Washington Post: General Motors Vice Chairman Robert A. Lutz has one, Boeing vice president
Randolph S. Baseler has one, Sun Microsystems President Jonathan Schwartz has one, and so on. But as the WP says, "Their attempts at hip, guerrilla-style blogging are often pained -- and painful."

YET AGAIN, WE learn the obvious -- that abstinence programs simply don't work. This from the Washington Post: "Teenagers who take virginity pledges -- public declarations to abstain from sex -- are almost as likely to be infected with a sexually transmitted disease as those who never made the pledge, an eight-year study released yesterday found." I really love that the WP has followed this story closely, but it's so sad that this is shocking news to some people. If you don't teach teenagers about condoms, what the hell do you think is going to happen? Conservative denial is a mighty strong force to shake, isn't it?

THAT'S WHAT I'M talkin' bout!


Permalink: 01:07 AM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2005

Table scraps:

BEST COVER EVER? Maybe. It's easily one of the funniest I've ever heard: Ben Folds does Dr. Dre's "Bitches Ain't Shit."

THE NEVERENDING DEBATE over the reality of reality television continues: "Wife Swap" contestants say the show was scripted, and the "Project Runway" winner says almost everything was accurate.

A CONVERSATION FROM last night about this website: Me: "Is that a lampshade?" My girlfriend: "No, it's a skirt." Me: "..."

CONTRACTOR SHOWS UP. Replaces roof. Realizes he showed up at the wrong house. Homeowner gets free roof.

WHAT ARE YOU doing at 7:35 a.m.? If you're not watching this short movie, you're wasting your time.

THIS IS WAY too cute.

WHAT IS THIS, cheerleading for the depressed?


Permalink: 12:22 AM | Comments (2)

March 16, 2005

Reason #49284 why I'm not doctor material

A woman on WBUR, my local NPR affiliate, pronounces steroids like this: "steer-oyds" -- as in, steer 'roids. I heard her say this word at least four times the other day, probably in relation to some baseball story I wasn't really listening to, and thought it might be funny to illustrate it via Photoshop. I'd go and get a picture of some hemorrhoid, and then slap a steering wheel onto it, and we'd all laugh. Steer 'roids. Get it? 'Roids that can be steered. Comic genius.

I started by doing a Google image search for hemorrhoid, and quite literally had to back away from the screen. Had I not seen hemorrhoids before? Clearly, not. I was unprepared. Holy shit, people: Hemorrhoids are disgusting! Whoa. Whoa! Really gross. No way am I looking at that long enough to Photoshop a steering wheel onto it. Whooaaaa.


Permalink: 01:12 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

WHAT, DO YOU suppose, is the worse ailment: Being suckered into believing a psychic dentist can remove your tooth with his fingers, or suffering from pogonophobia, a.k.a. beard phobia, or being so weak and injured that you have to survive on dirty water and pigeon blood?

IF YOU WERE planning to steal any goats in Washington, you better do it soon. The state is about to increase the penalties.

"I DIDN'T SET out on this as a mission," he said. "It's one of those things that happen in life: Here you are. Life takes you down a path and you end up where you are." Noble-sounding, isn't it? Too bad his life has led him to fight for the right to close his eyes in his drivers license photo.

IT ISN'T EASY being Darth Vader, especially when he's being some guy named Rob.

"WE ARE VERY private people. We don't get out much as of yet, but are always ready for spontaneous adventure. And when I say adventurous I mean we decide at the last minute to go to the lake. Does this sound like the family for you? Why not join them? That's the Ledbetter family, and they, like many other families, are looking for more wives. But don't worry about not getting enough attention, at least from Scott Ledbetter. He writes: "Scott believes in equal love for all wives." What a generous guy, eh?

HOW AMAZINGLY RESPECTALBE is this? A woman takes part in a restructuring plan at a newspaper, and eliminates her own position to save others from the cut. Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, Worldcom's Bernie Ebbers gets what he's due.

SHOES! ALWAYS MORE shoes!


Permalink: 12:39 AM | Comments (1)

March 15, 2005

She was the secretary of his state, but they were having a foreign affair...

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This might just be the winner for Best Magazine Cover Ever. And to think, it's been a whole year since Condi was caught saying, "As I was telling my husb-- As I was telling President Bush...” Oh, Condi, you totally want Dubya in a hot bilateral agreement, don't you? It's ok. No need to hide it any longer.


Permalink: 12:33 AM | Comments (0)

March 14, 2005

Are you telling me I can't take cologne showers anymore?

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This weekend, I received a graphics-enhanced spam promoting an ebook called "How to have the best sex humanly possible?", which featured three teasers of tips you'll learn from the book, including the one above. The others, in case you're wondering, were: "1) How to know what kind of win-or-lose 'sexual chemistry codes' you are sending every time you kiss your lover!" and "3) The one best way to win the true undying love of a member of the opposite sex!"

Clearly, though, the makers of the ebook don’t know their audience: Teaser number one requires that you already have a lover to kiss, and anybody who’s responding to this spam has only their hand to make out with. And then, check out the potted plants behind that woman's head. What is that, the new chic in sexiness? Or are men just supposed to fantasize about screwing her in the back of a dollar store? “Who's yo ficus, baby? Huh? Who's yo daddy ficus?”


Permalink: 09:11 AM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2005

Bye bye, buuuuudy.

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What is it with mayors named Buddy? First, Providence's Buddy Cianci takes a fall, and now Orlando's Buddy Dyer is walking the plank. Hell, it doesn't stop with mayors: Even Buddy from Charles in Charge has gone off the deep end. Clearly, the buddy system is broken.


Permalink: 01:40 PM | Comments (1)

Table scraps:

SALEM, 1692: "BURN the witches!" Tallahassee, 2005: "Tax the witches!"

THE MAKER OF this industrial shredder knows exactly how to sell its product: Let people see it shred cool stuff! Computers? Yeah. Big tires? Yeah. Medical waste? Of course.

TWO BILLBOARDS THAT were destined to be together.

SLOWLY, WE EVOLVE: "Across the country, the number of hunters declined by more than 1 million from 1991 to 2001, or 7.3 percent, according to the Census Bureau and U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. The drop was even greater in the West: 9.6 percent," according to the AP.

DO MILITANT PATRIOTS plan this stuff out, or does it just come naturally to them? A ninth grader stormed out of class recently because, as part of National Foreign Language Week, the Pledge of Allegiance was being read in other languages. "This is America, and we got soldiers at war," said 15-year-old Patrick Linton. "When you're saying the Pledge in a different language which nobody understands, that's not OK." You know, crazy unheard of languages like, oh, Spanish and French.

WHEN I FIRST saw this photo, I thought, "Whoa, great Photoshop job!" And then I realized, whoa, I am so pathetically influenced by modern technology. What is that, a baby lizard? Come on, Mother Nature can grow that all by itself. No Photoshop required. Right? Right? That isn't photoshopped, right? Right.

HOW TO GET a date online? One girl makes a bold pledge: "I will make you lunch and bring it to your place of employment. I swear. Girl scout's honor." Line up, men!

CLEVER LITTLE JIGSAW puzzle.


Permalink: 10:59 AM | Comments (1)

Heil Rather?

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Come on, some people may not have liked Dan Rather, but the man isn't Hitler. What's going on in this photo? It ran in the New York Times yesterday, alongside its story, "Signing Off, Rather's Wish for Viewers Is Still 'Courage'." Perhaps the paper itself noticed it wasn't quite right, because, as you'll notice, the web version instead contains two pictures that didn't appear in the paper. The photo editor over there must have had a hell of a kampf. (The one above was taken of the paper itself, with my digital camera.)


Permalink: 09:39 AM | Comments (0)

March 10, 2005

Table scraps:

OVERREACT MUCH? A teenager played a joke on another one, by slipping some peanut butter into his cheese sandwich. The victim retaliated by sending the first teenager semen-frosted brownies. How'd he explain it? "He hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain," explained a school resource officer.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE importance of a good mask when robbing a store. One guy busted in with a Pluto mask, the clerk busted out laughing, and the guy busted out with empty hands. He's not busted yet, though: Police are still searching.

FOR ANYONE WAITING for a new Postal Service album, you'll have to keep waiting. But for some reason or another, they decided to release a new song.

BEST DIET MOTIVATION ever? At the National Police Headquarters in Sweden, a computer glitch has caused a computer voice to scream "Stop! One at a time!" whenever an officer weighing more than 230 pounds tries to pass through an entrance. (And speaking of diets, Girl Scout cookies are coming under attack. According to the NYT: "scout leaders are facing critics who think selling $400 million worth of cookies might not be the smartest move in a country where childhood obesity is considered an epidemic." Good point. But man, they're good cookies.)

WHAT ARE THOSE five stages of grief again? And which one is this -- depression, or acceptance?

SMILE! TWO OF you are about to be driven somewhere and shot by the mafia!


Permalink: 07:37 AM | Comments (0)

March 09, 2005

Life imitating art imitating life?

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As much as I completely and totally love "24," it's sometimes a bit too easy to make fun of it for regularly returning to the angle of The Mole Who Snuck Inside. How often, we 24 fans ask ourselves, can terrorists really infiltrate a government intelligence organization? How poorly run must CTU really be, if it does fewer background checks on its staff than a homeless shelter does on its residents?

But yesterday, I read a piece in the Los Angeles Times headlined "Spy Agencies Fear Some Applicants Are Terrorists." Here's the lede:

WASHINGTON - U.S. counterintelligence officials are increasingly concerned that Al Qaeda sympathizers or operatives may have tried to get jobs at the CIA and other U.S. agencies in an effort to spy on American counterterrorist efforts.

Whoa. If there are really 24-like terrorists out there, do we have a Jack Bauer to kick their asses on a regular basis? And if not, are we totally fucked?


Permalink: 01:06 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

CLUE NUMBER ONE that your high school coach is actually a vampire: He licks the bleeding wounds of his athletes.

I LAUGHED FOR a full minute at this.

A DISTANT RELATIVE of mine made the NY Times obits yesterday. Morris Engel, 86, was a pioneer of independent film, and was also something crazy like my third cousin (although I'm just guessing at the actual term -- he was my great grandfather's sister's son). Anyway, I didn't know about him until yesterday, but whoa. Go family!

WHAT TO DO when you're too afraid to kill yourself? How about hire two thugs to beat you to death with iron bars? Yeah, that's less scary.

IT SOUNDS LIKE a medieval torture technique. Two semi-rigid plastic domes are affixed to the breasts, and connected to a battery-operated computerised vacuum device. The device is worn for 10 hours a day for 10 weeks - and if the woman misses a day, she must wear it for an additional week. But in fact, it's the newest trend in boob jobs!


Permalink: 01:05 AM | Comments (0)

March 08, 2005

The big let-down of fame

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Every famous person must secretly wish to have a toy made in their likeness -- or at least, I want that and am projecting it upon them. In any case, Tyra Banks apparently drew the short straw, because the only thing she's got is this weird Christian goth doll that looks a whole hell of a lot like her. The doll's actual name is "Mystery," which the Web site helpfully describes as having "ethnically dark skin." That's as opposed to, I guess, a hell of a tan.

Anyway, I'm sure these Christian goth dolls are going to be huge sellers. Up next, I think the manufacturer will be producing toy hamburgers for Hindus, which should also be a great success. But seriously, look at the eyes of that not-Tyra doll. Sparkly? The website says so: "Each doll is 9 inches tall, and that sparkle in their eyes? That's the Joy of the Lord!" Uh, honey? I think that's the flash of the camera bouncing off plastic. But good try.


Permalink: 08:35 AM | Comments (2)

March 07, 2005

Scenes from yesterday's special "Size him up" edition of Meet the Press

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Clearly, she was expecting more.


Permalink: 10:01 AM | Comments (0)

Table scraps:

"SLEEPWEAR AS STREETWEAR IS A TREND THAT IS HERE TO STAY" declares, uh, some fashion website (via Average Jane). Actually, it declared it a year ago, but I'm just learning about it now. I feel so out of the loop. So wait, I only sleep in boxers. Can I wear that to work? Did my editor get this fashion memo?

HERE'S A DOSE of good ol' wacky North Koreanism: The country offers up a wacky tourism video, Boing Boing links it, and the country's website owners get pissy and says "this kind of careless linking to high-profile sites is typical of the internet where people no longer respect that such links could make free content less available." So wait, high-profile content is best offered if nobody sees it? I'm lost here.

TAKE A LOOK at this series of photos of two people having sex on the beach in broad daylight (via Cityrag). Don't worry -- or should I say, sorry -- it's a wide angle shot and there's nothing wildly gratuitous. But check out the people around them. It's funny to see how long it takes for them to catch on -- and when they do, how they stand awkwardly and watch.

WHEN YOU BUY this product, the store should put it in this bag.

STACKING CARDS? OH yeah, that's my specialty. One time, I made a small shanty out of five cards, and it didn't fall down for, like, 10 seconds. This guy must be jealous.

IT'S ALL SMILES: These people are really excited to go to the bathroom. Find out why!

SUPERHEROES PERFORM A rousing rendition of "Office Space."

AND THEN, THERE'S this.


Permalink: 09:54 AM | Comments (0)

March 05, 2005

Somebody slept straight through Lawyer 101

Politics aside, if Kansas has learned anything from this issue of its attorney general seeking abortion records from two clinics, it should be that the state completely needs a new attorney general. Consider the lede from this New York Times article about the situation:

The Kansas attorney general said yesterday that two clinics were trying to quash his subpoenas for the medical files of 90 women and girls who had late-term abortions to protect themselves from criminal prosecution, not their patients' privacy. He likened the clinics' demand that he detail the nature of his investigation before they turn over the records to a bank robber's preventing a police officer from looking into a sack unless he is told why.

Ok, honestly now: What? What the hell kind of an argument is that? It doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Even if the bank robber demanded to know why police wanted to look in the sack -- and really, what are the chances? -- I cannot figure out why that would be a big deal. The police would just tell him. (I should note here that our guy in Kansas is not telling the clinics what his investigation is about.) Cops aren't hiding anything from the bank robber. And for that matter, if some guy robs a bank and then police catch him with a sack, I think every party involved knows exactly what's going on anyway.

Is this the best the Kansas attorney general can do? They'd be better off if they let me be the damn attorney general. Shit, how much does he get paid? Maybe I'll take it.


Permalink: 11:26 AM | Comments (0)

March 04, 2005

Some days you got it, and other days...

At 11 p.m. last night, I saw this photo of Alan Greenspan and thought, "Hey, it looks like he's playing the piano! That's sort of funny!" So, I placed him in front of a piano...

greenspanpiano.jpg

...and then tried replacing segments of rock lyrics with economic gobbledegook. This is how far I got:

• "Welcome to the jungle / we take it day by day / we're slowly raising interest rates / but it's the price you pay"

• "I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me / He's just a poor boy from a poor family! / Spare him his life of no social security"

...and that's about the time I made it official: This ain't funny, and I'm flat out of jokes anyway. Hellloooooo, Friday.


Permalink: 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

March 03, 2005

Hi & Lois broke so much ground, you might say it got its rocks off

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The punchline of this Hi & Lois strip, I assume, is that Thirsty is slacking off at work and then lying to his boss about it. I'm not exactly sure how that in itself is supposed to be funny, but then again, HappyScrappy has already spent plenty of bandwidth examining how not funny this strip is. So, what's different this time? What makes this one special?

Well, take a closer look at what's on Thirsty's computer screen. If he's really researching players for his fantasy baseball team, there's either a little too much fantasy involved or this guy's just looking for a bat and two balls. Come on, just try telling me that's not a scribbled representation of porn. The only question is where those dangling lumps are boobs or penises, but at this point I don't think that really matters. How excellently racy for Hi & Lois! Two thumbs up from me.

So now, what's the real punchline here? Hi walks in on his co-worker looking at porn, and with a big, knowing grin, the guy says he's -- ahem -- checking out fantasy baseball. Thirsty thinks he's being clever, but suddenly the boss comes in, and Thirsty's all freaked out. It isn't comic genius, but it's sure as hell better than another strip of that fucking baby talking to a sunbeam.


Permalink: 01:45 AM | Comments (1)

Table scraps:

"THEY WERE ENGAGED in some bizarre activities in his bedroom. The gun, we believe, accidentally discharged," said the police detective. And by gun, he means -- well, actually, he means a gun. But while we're on the subject of sex and crime, what do we make of this: A guy is suing a woman he had an affair with, after she slapped him with a paternity suit. He claims, though, that they never had sex, and she must have stolen the sperm and then impregnated herself. Who would believe such a thing? Well, the Illinois Appellate Court just ruled that she can be held liable for the guy's emotional pain.

"TOUCHDOWN! ANAL ANNIE scores a touchdown!" Actually, no she doesn't. Nor does B Hard or Man Paste. Those are three of the 1,121 names not allowed on personalized NFL-licensed jerseys.

HERE'S THE HEADLINE: "'Freak accident' takes life of aspiring bull rider, aged 9". But ok now, really, are we surprised that putting a nine-year-old on top of an angry 650-pound bull was a bad idea?

MONDAY: UP EARLY. Ran like hell. No sign of coyote. Ate. Fidgeted. Ran like hell. Diary of the Roadrunner.

MSN THINKS IT'S wowing you by offering some brain-busting math questions under the headline "Could You Pass 8th-Grade Math?" But Snopes makes a great point when it slams down a similar challenge: "Just about any test looks difficult to those who haven't recently been steeped in the material it covers. If a 40-year-old can't score as well on a geography test as a high school student who just spent several weeks memorizing the names of all the rivers in South America in preparation for an exam, that doesn't mean the 40-year-old's education was woefully deficient -- it means the he simply didn't retain information for which he had no use, no matter how thoroughly it was drilled into his brain through rote memory some twenty-odd years earlier."

I TOTALLY HATE all this Michael Jackson stuff, but I can't deny that this is funny. (Note: When originally posted, I linked just to the photo from a blog post. It appears the blog blocked photo links, so instead the link here now takes you to the entire post. See photo at the bottom.)

A GIFT TO all bloggers: Ways to block comment spam. I should note that I haven't actually tried these suggestions yet, but I will. My old spam-blocking technique is starting to fail, so it's time for some reinforcements.


Permalink: 12:56 AM | Comments (0)

March 01, 2005

Getting closer to Victoria's secret

ipodbra.jpg

A friend of mine works at Victoria's Secret, and has been there overtime recently because the company just released a new, wildly popular bra. It's apparently something special indeed -- or so she says -- and has been a hot seller. Today, she told me its name: IPEX, the self-declared "world's most advanced bra." Not exactly sexy, is it? The name sounds like a cheap exercise device, or perhaps an industrial piping system. So, why IPEX? She didn't know. Then, and idea:

Me: Maybe they're begging for a cross-promotion with the iPod, because half-naked women walking around listening to music can only be good for both companies.

Her: Well, they are giving iPods to the managers that sell the most IPEX's.

Me: I'm a genius!

Come to think of it, who's to say the silouetted people in those iPod ads aren't already half-naked? I'm totally on to something here.


Permalink: 12:14 AM | Comments (2)