Yes, the squiggly lines represent odor

Another for the I Can't Draw collection (which just got a slight makeover).

Permalink: 06:03 PM | Comments (1)

Making bigger better, sizing up the competition, making bad puns about size, etc.

I've got a semi-lengthy piece in March's Boston Magazine about Casual Male, that big-and-tall men's clothing store you've perhaps driven by and wondered about. I did, too. (Fortunately -- or unfortunately? -- the pants on the right aren't on sale at any CM location; that's just a funny photo I found.) Turns out, the chain struggled for years, as management tried and failed to figure out how to make money off big clothing -- or, for that matter, how to sell big clothing to big guys without telling the guys that they're fat. (Hint: Calling the store "Casual Male Big & Tall" wasn't helping.) Now, with a new CEO, they're getting things right.

Amusing sidenote: One of my first interviews for the piece was Clinton Kelly, the co-host of TLC's "What Not To Wear." He was a nice guy and was happy to talk, but admitted upfront that he'd be a pretty useless interview. The show features lots of large women, so he's never had to learn much about large men's fashion. Therefore, we had to talk generally, and the most quotable thing I came away with was, "I do feel as though fit is everything. If you do not have fit, you do not have style. End of story." I tried jamming it into the story for the sake of a celebrity source, but alas, it wasn't to be.

In the same issue, I've got a few items in the mag's Next List, a package on Boston's up-and-comers. (Like everything, it's a lot more pleasing to see in print than on the web.) Also, if you happen to live in Cleveland, I've got an item in March's Cleveland Magazine about the Museum of Bad Art. Sadly, though, it isn't online for free.

Permalink: 02:14 PM | Comments (1)

It's the international language

Thank you, Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. A friend e-mailed me a story from your paper, which answers all the pressing questions I had about the mysterious swordsman who busted in on a guy watching porn, because he thought a woman was being raped. The most important, of course, was: What was the porn? Answer: "Casa de Culo," of which the top-right portion of the cover is reproduced here. (It's way too NSFW to post in full, but here, I'll save you the Google search.) An online porn DVD site says of the movie, "Get ready to go South of the Border with these spicy girls ready to please and make your dreams come true." And how were those four hours of border-crossing spiciness? Bret Stieghorst (MySpace!), the guy who was watching the porn when the swordsman busted in, told the Milwaukee paper, "It's all in Spanish, and I don't understand a word of it. I only bought it for the hot chicks."

Bret's next act should earn him a photo spread in Maxim: He declared in the newspaper that, no, this incident will not stop him from watching porn. "No, way; I'm a man and I'm a normal person," he said. "But I think I will get some good headphones, maybe some wireless ones." Or, you know, he could get some women. But headphones are a good place to start.

Permalink: 11:15 AM | Comments (0)

And I can imagine being Scarlett Johansson’s love slave, but that doesn’t make it so

What sort of insight could this teaser from MSN.com's front page possibly be offering? That rich people aren't void of creativity? Or -- oh! -- maybe that poverty is such a problem that even rich people have noticed it?

The story doesn't help much. Here's the first few grafs:

More than half of Americans with household incomes over $100,000 can see themselves falling into poverty, a new MSN-Zogby poll reports.

Fifty-three percent of Americans in the wealthiest category said they can imagine themselves becoming poor, while 82% of those with household incomes of less than $25,000 said they could become poor. Overall, 61% of Americans said they could imagine such a fate.

"Can see themselves"? "Imagine"? What the hell are you talking about, MSN? Is this a mental exercise for rich people -- "close your eyes, and imagine wearing slightly cheaper shoes" -- or are these people in actual fear of becoming poor? The survey question itself isn't any more helpful: It simply asks, "Can you imagine yourself becoming poor?" What are we learning here? Whose decision was it to spend money on this poll? You might as well have called up rich people and asked, "Can you imagine yourself naked and hairless, riding a camel through the halls of Congress?" We'd get the same insight into the rich, but at least the graphic would be more interesting.

Permalink: 12:03 AM | Comments (3)

Then again, what if the station demands everyone go on a post-debate pheasant hunt?

I know this blog sinks from "lousy" to "really lousy" whenever I start talking politics, but here's something I thought was interesting: Today, MoveOn.org announced a campaign to stop Fox News from hosting a Democratic presidential primary debate in August. A friend forwarded it to me, and questioned whether the alarm was justified. At the very least, he said, Fox News’s large viewership is a good thing for Dems who don't normally get such a spotlight on the channel, and the questions will surely be more interesting than if they were softballs coming from some party leader. True all around. Whatever MoveOn's fears are, I'm sure they're not justified: Fox News may be a right-wing station, but what's it going to do while hosting a debate -- physically assault the candidates?

Still, if this is the Dems’ way of playing nice with Fox News and hoping the good feelings last through the campaign season, I think they’re misjudging the circumstances.

The debate is designed, like any debate at this stage in the game, so that the candidates can distinguish themselves from the crowd. But because there are so many candidates, and therefore the candidates can't possibly get enough time to put forth detailed and compelling arguments, the only viewers who might be swayed are ones that are already interested in voting Dem, but just aren't sure which one they like most.

Therefore, why bring this to Fox News? You're not going to sway the station's viewers to vote Dem. Maybe a lengthy presentation from one of the candidates could do that, but it won't come from itty-bitty presentations from a bunch of candidates. Instead, you'll just be holding an event in which a bunch of high-profile Dems don't get along with each other -- a perfect Fox News event, if I've ever heard one.

Permalink: 01:54 PM | Comments (0)

Next week, Johnny targets the pope

Religious preaching is nothing new in B.C., but today's strip kind of blew me away:

Is there a specific religious reference I'm not catching here, or is this bird-thing essentially saying, "Religion tells me I can treat others like crap"? Because, uh, I think a lot of people really do see it that way, even if they couch it in talk about God's will and tolerance, but I'm shocked that Johnny Hart would outright say it like this. And not only that, but to use the word "disdain." Disdain! Surely, I've got to be missing something here. Right? Right? Like, this strip isn't the equivalent of, say...

Full size here.

Yes? No? Am I wrong about this? I must be. Johnny, are you finally coming clean?

Permalink: 10:25 AM | Comments (5)

Imagine if the neighbor was watching "Die Hard"

A Milwaukee-area newspaper really dropped the ball on this story, which it doesn't write nearly enough about:

WAUKESHA - An Oconomowoc man who thought he heard a woman being raped allegedly busted through a neighbor’s door, carrying a sword, only to find the neighbor watching pornography.

What!? There are so many questions I need answers to. Like: How loud was this neighbor watching his porn? What kind of porn sounds like rape? (Except, I suppose, porn that depicts rape. Was that what he was watching?) Also, the rape sounds "had been occurring for several hours," according to the story. How long does this neighbor -- nay, how long can anyone -- watch his porn? Wouldn't he get tired?

And: a freakin' sword?

Permalink: 01:44 PM | Comments (2)

Does anybody recognize that scary face? I mean, the one on the shirt.

A package of gifts from my parents' Asia trip just arrived, and included was the shirt, which they bought at a Salvation Army in Hong Kong. It's fun, but I (and they) have no idea who the guy on it is. There aren't many clues on, except for the words "fxxk the youth," which is written toward the bottom.

Being that it could very well be the Tim Hardaway of Hong Kong, I'd prefer not to wear it outside until I know who it is. (Although, come to think of it, I've now posted a picture of me wearing it on the Internet, which is considerably more exposure than if I just wore it one night. Oops.) So, I turn to you, the collective intelligence: Anybody out there know who this guy is?

Permalink: 01:03 PM | Comments (2)

Table scraps:

♣HICCUPS: A SLIGHT annoyance... until you have them every few seconds, for three weeks straight. (Be sure to check out the audio slideshow.)

♣WHEN I WAS a wee lad, my family took a trip through California and I white-knuckled the entire ride along the Pacific Coast Highway, convinced we were going to plummet to our deaths. But that ain't nothing compared to the Guoliang Tunnel. (via mental_floss)

♣WHO'S HE: A programming language inventor, or a serial killer?

♣FROM THE DEPARTMENT of Lame Justifications comes CheatNeutral.com, which "offsets your cheating by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This neutralises the pain and unhappy emotion and leaves you with a clear conscience." Apparently the world's heartache is a zero-sum game.

♣IT'S BEEN SOME time since I've offered unsolicited musical suggestions, so here's two: Go to The Fratellis' website and check out "Flathead," the rockin' song that automatically plays. Then, go here for Phoenix videos, and be sure to watch"Consolation Prize." A little different but equally great, watch Amy Winehouse's "Rehab."

♣FOR THOSE WHO find strange amusement in watching religious people overreact, be sure to watch this video and check out the comments. (via Radosh)

♣AFTER READING ABOUT something so dumb I've already forgotten what it was, I was inspired to see if there's anything at whocomesupwiththisshit.com. There is, but precious little.

♣IT TURNS OUT the co-creator of "24" is a right-wing extremist. That's pretty disappointing. But in better news, I recently discovered that the show is available online. Now all three shows I watch -- "24," "Lost" and "Heroes" -- no longer have control over my schedule. Whoo-hoo!

♣AND THEN, THERE'S this.

Permalink: 12:19 PM | Comments (1)

Good thing I didn't buy that Ted Haggard jersey

I typically discourage people from buying me gifts, because I’m pretty picky about stuff and often can’t find time for new toys. But yesterday, to my surprise, my girlfriend bought me a Jason Kapono jersey. He’s an up-and-comer on the Miami Heat, who I like a lot because I respect the way he grabbed an opportunity this season to go from benchwarmer to starter. It was a very sweet idea, but when she gave it to me, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, “But I already have a Heat jersey. What will I do with two?”

The other jersey is Tim Hardaway’s, and it got a lot of use during last year’s championship run. But today, the problem is solved: It turns out Tim declared on radio that he hates gay people, which is quite enough to make me uncomfortable ever wearing that jersey again. And conveniently, I’ve now got another jersey to replace it. Not a bad deal.

Kapono, I expect nothing but tolerance and community service out of you. I can’t be getting new jerseys all the time, you hear?

Permalink: 07:02 PM | Comments (1)

It still looks better than The Donald's

It's been a long time since I've added to my lame comic series, I Can't Draw, although I've been meaning to. This seemed like an appropriately dumb visual joke to get back into the swing of things with. I make no promises, but I'll try getting a few more up soon.

Permalink: 09:41 PM | Comments (1)

It depends on who's in the crowd

This showed up on my website tracker today:

That's someone in India who found this blog after Googling, "when a man is nude in front of crowd what happens to his penis". Planning something, are we?

More fun with the website tracker here.

Permalink: 12:34 PM | Comments (1)

The art of science

After spending a few hours with Brian Knep for a Weekly Dig profile, I've come to a conclusion: All medical schools should have artists in residence. Oh, and be sure to check out some of Knep's neat-o stuff.

Permalink: 10:36 AM | Comments (0)

Hint: It's New Jersey and then some

For reasons too long to explain, I recently did a Google image search for "Tony Soprano" and instead found a picture of Donald, a Tony Soprano impersonator:

I guess I can see it. But really, this guy looks like one of those celebrity lovechildren. Any guesses on Tony's mate? Click the jump for my equation.

Permalink: 01:06 AM | Comments (2)

It’ll only be a misdemeanor to stare at your feet

A New York lawmaker wants to save the lives of his tech-zombie neighbors:

New York State Sen. Carl Kruger says three pedestrians in his Brooklyn district have been killed since September upon stepping into traffic while distracted by an electronic device. In one case bystanders screamed "watch out" to no avail.

Kruger says he will introduce legislation on Wednesday to ban the use of gadgets such as Blackberry devices and video games while crossing the street.

"Government has an obligation to protect its citizenry," Kruger said in a telephone interview from Albany, the state capital. "This electronic gadgetry is reaching the point where it's becoming not only endemic but it's creating an atmosphere where we have a major public safety crisis at hand."

Next up on the Distractions Are A Major Public Safety Crisis At Hand List: shiny objects, beautiful sunsets, breasts.

New York has also banned cell phone use in the car, which, while annoying, at least makes some sense. If you crash your car, chances are you're hurting more than just yourself. But if some earplug-pumpin' White Stripes music is enough to make you aimlessly wander into oncoming traffic, well, I think that's your own problem.

Permalink: 01:01 AM | Comments (0)

Fly, doggie, fly

I found a fun game to play with Stella, the new puppy that made her first appearance in that disasterous didge video...

Permalink: 12:02 AM | Comments (4)

"Is it raining outside? Lady, I only do temp."

Another one from the parental photo collection:

When my dad sent me this picture, I was sure it was an example of Chinglish -- something, unfortunately, China is trying to wipe out. So, I wrote him back asking what was really happening at the "Temperature check." Turns out, they're checking your temperature. He writes:

That was the coolest. In Hong Kong, as you get off the plane to get your luggage, they do a thermal imaging scan of your body temp. My head showed green which meant I had no fever. If it shows fever, they scurry you off to a doctor and medical team for an interview and possible quarantine. They're afraid of bird flu.

I wonder, what happens if they scan people who are afraid to fly? Anybody know?

Permalink: 08:05 AM | Comments (0)

It’s a crappy world out there

What’s more disturbing: that my parents travel to China and Hong Kong and send me pictures of toilet-related things they think I’ll find amusing... or, that they’re right? As they predicted, these are going straight on the blog. Other wacky pictures will follow.

This idea is brilliant. But also, you must wonder: Why is the Beijing Tourism Administration taking so much time to rate every toilet? And then, you get your answers...

Permalink: 07:53 AM | Comments (4)

When "I'm in the band" won't cut it

I went to a comedy show at a notable venue in Boston yesterday, but had a hard time finding parking. Some friends got there earlier than me, and we agreed that they’d just go in and save me a seat, and I’d buy a ticket when I arrived. By the time I parked and got to the ticket counter, it was showtime and had sold out. I called my friend inside, who knows one of the performers. Their response: “Just say you’re with the AV crew.”

“But I already tried buying a ticket,” I said.

That wasn’t convincing. They said I should just walk in, to where a girl was standing and collecting tickets, and tell her I’m with the AV crew. “What if she doesn’t believe me?” I asked. My friend replied, “Then turn around and walk away.”

I was nervous. I didn’t know anything about this show, so if this girl asked me any question – any question at all – I’d be at a complete loss. I hemmed. I hawed. Then my friend said, “Tell them you’re running late.”

Somehow, this made the lie seem a lot more reasonable. Yes, of course, I’m running late! I don’t have time to answer questions, girlie. Just show me where the show is, so I can plug stuff in and, like, turn a light on or something. Jeez. Stop wasting my time.

I walked back into the building, approached the ticket-taking girl, put on a Jack Bauer I’m-in-a-rush voice, and said, “I’m running late. I’m with the AV crew.”

“Oh!” the girl said. “Up the stairs, to your right.”

“Thanks,” I said.

It’s amazing that this works.

Permalink: 12:43 PM | Comments (2)

Just take a compliment where you can get it

Last night, a funny e-mail arrived in my inbox:

Hey,

I read your article about the Rony Seikaly ejection and "bullshit," so I thought I would send you a letter I wrote a couple of years ago to Rony but couldn't find where to send it to him. I'm a senior at the College of Wooster, and this incident happened sophomore year. If you know his address or have an email for him, I would appreciate it if you could forward it to him. Thanks.

Jim

Sadly, I have no idea how to contact Rony. I'm not too sure why Jim thought I could. But, what I can -- and did -- offer is to post his letter on this blog, where someday, if he's got nothing better to do, Rony might stumble upon it. Jim said OK. So, here it is:

Permalink: 04:45 PM | Comments (0)