To the guy who looks like Steve Buscemi,

Not-Steve,

You must get this a lot. I mean, not THIS. Not this letter in this open forum like this, this. But, I mean, you look like Steve Buscemi. A lot. It's really stunning, and I mean that in a good way. I'd imagine you're not so pleased with it, though. I'm sure that, given the chance to look like any celebrity, Steve Buscemi would have been low on your list. Who wouldn't want to be a Brat Pitt or Ben Affleck or, what the hell, a Jeff Goldblum? I know, I know. Steve Buscemi isn't in movies because of his looks. Well, maybe he is, but he's cast to be creepy. I bet that when you think of Steve Buscemi, you see him in Billy Madison, his lips glistening in that all-too-freaky Buscemi way. I'm sure that's not pleasant. I can sympathize. People tell me I look like Ellen DeGeneres.

I'm sure you deny it when someone points it out. "No," you say, "I've never really seen it." But, late at night, your mouth foaming with toothpaste, tell me you don't stop and stare at the mirror, where Steve Buscemi is staring back at you. I do it. I lift my long blond hair up so it's short, put on the kind of smirk that isn't smug, and I think, "Well, maybe I do look like her." Then I try to think, who have I heard mention that Ellen DeGeneres is pretty? Who was it? Because if they said she's pretty, and I look like her, then maybe it's not so bad. I can't remember who said it, but I'm pretty sure someone did.

I know, nobody has told you that Steve Buscemi is good looking. Being compared to him is probably an insult, like being compared to dirt or a rat or one of the Ramones. (was that in bad taste because of their deaths?) But, I'm here to tell you, I love Steve Buscemi. I'd like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, but I would scream like a schoolgirl with her pants on fire if I ever got near Steve Buscemi. That man is hot. He's hot, he's a good actor, and I think he's probably quite sensitive. I can see it in his face. There's no arrogance there, no convinced self-worth. I would kiss that man, crooked lips and all. I saw Trees Lounge, I loved it, and I'm not even from Long Island. Do you get my drift?

I know you're not Steve Buscemi. And I know that, if I were to ever kiss you, I wouldn't be kissing Steve Buscemi. That's not what I want anyway (although, and I don't mean this in an insulting way, I have a feeling you wouldn't mind being used for your looks, since, really, when the hell does that happen?). I just want to tell you that we've locked eyes more than once, and I've probably seen you on the street more than you've seen me. I can pick you out of a crowd. Running into you once may have been a coincidence, but constantly? There's something there, not-Steve Buscemi. I want to get to know you. I want to talk, hang out, maybe something more. And if you look like Steve Buscemi, well that's just a bonus for me. But trust me, if we get along, I won't miss the looks when the lights go out.

What do you say, not-Steve? Do you like Ellen DeGeneres? Is there a Hollywood ending in us?

Love,
Not-Ellen DeGenerous.

dirty laundry