You gave me an F and this is what I have to say about it

Professor Assface,

I could have been sleeping, you know. They say that loss of sleep can hurt your metabolism and make you age quicker, but I disregarded all that - nay, I sacrificed my health, my future, my personal well-being - in order to finish your ridiculous paper on time. Are you happy? Are you satisfied yet? Apparently not, according to the grade I got.

And by the way, what a stupid paper assignment. I feel so servile, writing a paper and explaining things that have been explained a million times before. I know you know the answers to all the questions you asked. What good is answering them again? I could have been out helping society, answering the questions that haven't been answered, instead of wasting my time on what was going to be an F-paper anyway. Hell, I could have just been sleeping.

Do you even know how to give comments on papers? Using your scrawled suggestions as a guideline towards future paper success, I might as well just wipe a Smurf's ass with the paper before turning it in, because that's what it looks like after your blue pen vomited all over it. I should have guessed that you had nothing remotely constructive to say, considering your classroom discussion is as decipherable as an episode of the Teletubbies. And stop trying to make jokes, for the love of God. Bob fucking Saget could out-funny you, and he's as entertaining as a canker sore. All your jokes just make class even more awkward, because we all think that we need to give you a courtesy laugh or else you'll fail us. Maybe that's it. Did I not laugh enough at your last joke? At least I come to class regularly. I could have been home sleeping, you know. It would have been more productive.

Man, take a look at all those books in your office! Have you even read those, or are they there just to make you look smart? There's a half a city library in there, and I bet you picked them all up at some yard sale as soon as this school made the mistake of giving you office space. And then there's that picture of your family on your desk. Your family is ugly.

I don't know who let you slip through the cracks and get a teaching degree, but they should be dragged into the streets and beaten for their crime against humanity. After your class, I will be dumber. My parents paid thousands of dollars for me to attend this class of yours, and their money could have been better spent if they bought a donkey to kick me in the head until I internally bled. Please, do us all a favor and quit your job, move to a log cabin in the woods, and then do nothing but eat figs until you virtually poop out your internal organs. Or you could just give me an A. It was a good paper, damnit. Do you even know how to read?

Your favorite student