All quiet on the homefront

Mitch,

So what if I'm not a normal college roommate? I think I am. I think I'm quite courteous as well, unlike you, who I suppose considers himself to be quite the normal college roommate. I clean the room. I put my things away. I keep my noise levels to appropriate levels, I make my bed, I lock the door when I leave, I don't keep you up at all hours with the lights and click-click-clicking of an ancient, sticky keyboard. What have you to complain about? If left to your own devices, this room would smell like a garbage dump, or like your laundry basket, which are often the same smell.

If you want to go around touching drunk girls, by all means, go back to their place. All I ask is that you don't bring them here, because I try to go to sleep before the sun comes up. I don't understand why that's so difficult a concept to grasp. Why do they have to come here? Why do you expect me to leave my room and my bed so that you can slobber all over some girl and grab her tit? Do you think you're going to find a meaningful relationship from those girls? All they want is to get drunk and get laid. It's so sketchy.

And don't think I wasn't awake when you and that girl got into bed last Saturday. I don't remember which girl it was, because all those party girls look the same, with their hair done up and their makeup and tight shirts. How do you decide which girl to go with, when they're all just drunk and stupid and completely indistinguishable from each other? Is it like fishing? Just toss your hook out, and whichever one is dumb enough to bite is the one you'll grope all night? Ugh. I just laid there, my eyes tightly shut, trying to ignore the slurping and rustling from across the room. That girl squealed like a pig.

I don't intrude on your life, so you shouldn't intrude on mine. Isn't that fair? I don't follow you around all day putting out the little cancer sticks that you and your friends suck on. You like parties, I like quiet. I don't go to your parties and tell you to quiet down, so stop coming to my quiet area and making it a hellhole. I am a normal college roommate. I don't do crazy things. What makes me so abnormal? Why would you say that? My parents are paying a lot of money for me to come here and study, so I'm going to do just that. Isn't that normal? Or do you think college life on Dawson's Creek is normal?

When you applied to college, did you ask about the academics or if there was a lot of pot on campus? What's more important? What the hell are you doing here anyway? I studied my ass off to get here, and the only education you're going to walk out of here with is one in alcoholism. If you don't like me as a roommate, go find another room. This one is mine. I spend more time in here than you do anyway.

Ray