Features of Future Past 1

Disclaimer: These features begin in 1997, and continue to the present day. For the author, that means they started in high school and continue past college graduation. Considering the varied content and tone of these features, that linear stretch is something you should keep in mind.

If you'd like to skip ahead in time, you are quite welcome to. Here are the other features:

The first feature of the week ever couldn't make it here, because i never saved it. Unfortunately, i can't even remember what it was about, but i do recall it being a petty and angry missive from someone, about things worth forgetting. I believe i posted it in spite. What you are about to read, however, is not in spite. I assure you.

Feature #2:

I was over my friend Lilli's house and we were online under her name, and all of a sudden some random and very lonely guy IM'd her with this pathetic attempt at a personally delivered classified ad. Of course, this was too much for me to sit back and watch, and so i decided to have a conversation with him (posing as Lilli). I've taken Lilli's screen name out of here in the event that random people would start writing her and i wouldn't want to be an advocate of that.. but, i've left the other guy's name so you can annoy him. He's so pathetic anyway! Haha! Pathetic. Okey, here's the convo:

Capuchino1: hi there how are you doing this evening...i'm a nice, cute 24/m jewish law student in Miami...single too...if I am the answer to your dreams then why don't you say hi and talk for a bit...:) check my profile as well if you like

LILLI: why hello, sir. that's a very nice and generic classified ad you just sent me. it's heart-warming to know that some people are so lonely that they resort to telemarketing such as this to try and find that "perfect someone" while sitting at your computer frantically searching for a date for the big v-day tomorow. but alas, sir, you've come to the wrong place. take your sorrows elsewhere.

Capuchino1: fine f off

LILLI: haha! gladly

Capuchino1: screw you

LILLI: as long as i don't have to partake in your lonlyness anymore. man, you sure are bitter. maybe you should find a girl to try and take that bitterness out of you.. oh, wait.. you can't! that's why you IM'd me! i'm such a nitwit sometimes

Capuchino1: yea fuck you

LILLI: not even if you sent me a beautifully written classified ad

Capuchino1: go to hell

LILLI: don't they have chat rooms for people like you?

LILLI: or, help sessions?

Capuchino1: I AM NOT INTERESTED STOP IMING ME

LILLI: oh yes, that's me. the lonely gal lookin' for that perfect someone online. no, i'm sorry.. THAT'S YOU!

Capuchino1: shut UP

LILLI: am i touching a nerve?

LILLI: i bet you'd like me to touch a nerve! haha. lonely boy.

Capuchino1: GO AWAY

LILLI: oh, come on. even if it is negative, you know you like the attention. "ahh.. human contact!" you scream. you LOVE it!

Capuchino1: I DON;T WANT TO TALK TO YOU FUCK OFF GET IT?

LILLI: hi there how are you doing this evening...i'm a nice, cute 14/f muslim dental student in Miami...single too...if I am the answer to your dreams then why don't you say hi and talk for a bit...:) check my profile as well if you like

(he stopped answering after that)

Feature #3:

My friend Kevin was talkin' to me about this incredibly scary Ween fan he met online, and she had sent him a picture of her... and it was FRIGHTENING! So, i asked to see the picture.. and you know what? She is probably one of the scariest people i've ever seen. This picture looks like it's straight from hell. So, i figured it would make a good Feature of the Week. Here's the pic.. please.. hold your bladders!

AHHH!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SAVE YOUR SOULS! THIS GIRL EATS LITTLE BOYS' AND GIRLS' SOULS FOR BREAKFAST! AHHH!!!

Feature #4:

I've gotta tell you.. when i started this Feature of the Week, i said to myself "I'll have no problem coming up with a feature every week!" Sure enough, for two weeks, i had no problem. Then, i had a problem, so i asked my friend Mike Singer ("cisco127")if he had any ideas. He said to grab a random person's name off of AOL and he'd talk to her and.. viola: feature. Sure enough, the conversation was pretty damn awesome, and has spawned endless amusement and a multitude of features. Here's the first.

cisco127: amanda!?!?

MADMARCY: who are you?

cisco127: oh...i remember you...from the dance marathon

MADMARCY: what?

cisco127: so..wha'cha been up to this hours?

MADMARCY: who are you?

cisco127: i'll give ya three guesses

MADMARCY: Do you go to my school?

cisco127: nope........that's one

MADMARCY: Are you older than me?

cisco127: i'm actually younger than you 8(

MADMARCY: are yo one of my friends with one of my friends?

MADMARCY: I mean siblings

cisco127: no..but on the subject

cisco127: when my mum died.......i got a hamster..to deal with the grief..and i named it mum

cisco127: and

cisco127: it died 8(

MADMARCY: Kyle

cisco127: woohoo!

cisco127: so..how are you?

MADMARCY: okay how are you?

cisco127: everything is just wonderful

cisco127: did you know that in england...everybody only has one spoon?

cisco127: and if you lose your spoon you starve to death

cisco127: unless of course someone in your family dies and inherits you their spoon

MADMARCY: what are you talking about?

cisco127: and there are spoon millionaires

cisco127: oh..nevermind

cisco127: don't you have any jokes or something.....i don't feel good

MADMARCY: really what's the matter?

cisco127: well...today at school...the nurse took a sample from my ear....and she didnt' like what she saw...and..she said that.....i need some chocolate chips

MADMARCY: one thing we didn't have school genius

cisco127: got me there...but on the subject....do you know what happens when a science teacher falls and hits her head on the curb?

MADMARCY: no

cisco127: she becomes a janitor

MADMARCY: okay

cisco127: you're not very loquacious today

cisco127: tell me a story

MADMARCY: what does that mean

cisco127: it's a request...i'm asking you to type out a series of related ideas or happenings...either true or fiction...in general narrative form

MADMARCY: hello

cisco127: and a heaven-o to you...i'd say hello..but i just dont' think that that would be enough

MADMARCY: you are very wierd

cisco127: who do you think would win...in a fight between a dog and a monkey?

MADMARCY: a monkey

cisco127: i'll say!!....well..there's this kid in my class

cisco127: she's a girl really

cisco127: she has false teeth

cisco127: i found them in the pool when i was diving for pucks

MADMARCY: yea sure

cisco127: and she can't eat meat...ya know why?

MADMARCY: y

cisco127: she's a vegetarian

cisco127: this other kid in my class

MADMARCY: oh

cisco127: smokes

MADMARCY: whatever

cisco127: and he's only eight

cisco127: do you ever eat at subway?

cisco127: why amanda...why won't you talk to me

cisco127: look..you don't have to tell me a story if you don't want to

cisco127: look..how are you ever gonna be a happy scrappy feature if you don't say anything?

cisco127: i know...you're one of them french mimes...aren't you?

cisco127: that's neat.....can you do that thing where you pretend that you are stuck in a box..but really there's no box there at all

(at this point.."amanda" signed off...maybe she had to rush to the store to pick up a personality...i just don't know. --mike)

Feature #5:

Well, i wasn't planning on making the Feature of the Week another way of saying "The Conversation of the Week," but as it has it, Mike has created this weird thing with whoever MADMARCY is, and now she's IMing him to try and sort out her confused and endlessly pathetic existance. So, here are the last two interactions they've had. Unfortunatly, MADMARCY is about as unexciting as an episode of Full House, but Mike is hilarious. So, here you have it:

MADMARCY: hey

cisco127: hi amanda!!

cisco127: how ya been?

MADMARCY: where do you get mail sent? kay and you?

cisco127: just kay

cisco127: or you can mail my friend ricardo sancheze freedman....if ya want..cause i always check his mail

cisco127: we're almost like a single unit..living in perfect halcyonic harmony

cisco127: ya know what i mean?

cisco127: so amanda..how come you shipped out so soon during our last tea time? did you not find our discussion intense?

MADMARCY: are you sure you are Kyle?

cisco127: um..hold on

cisco127: yup...i'm sure

cisco127: wait

cisco127: ok..yeah..i'm really sure

MADMARCY: yeah right you are wierd

cisco127: no..not weird..kyle

cisco127: i'm sorry...ever since that donkey punted me in the eyebrow

cisco127: hey..just for the record...how does it feel to know that hundreds of people might be readin' this right now

cisco127: well...don't strain yourself on that one...just answer me this....if you were sittin' on an avocado...one of them nuclear avocados..and you're flyin' through the air like at a trillion miles per hour...wooooosh...and your brain starts to bubble...lub lub..lub lub....and you start to yell..AAHHH..AAAHHH...you think there's a little man in there...the avocado i mean..that could possibly save you..or even have desire..after your fatass almost turned his humble abode into guacamole!?!?!

cisco127: marcy, marcy...why are you so MAAAAAADDD!?!?!?

cisco127: marcy marcy bo barcy banana fana fo farcy hee hi ho harcy...marcy!!!

cisco127: ya know...amanda...if you even ARE amanda ...i don't get it..how long have we been friends...7...12 years? maybe...can't you at least make it so i don't feel so violated....i mean..it really..really hurts..oh my...i'm breakin' down here..AMANDA..PPLLEEAASSEEE...i'm sorry i shaved your damn kitten...

cisco127: well...screw you and the sleigh you came in on

(whadaya know...she signed off again at this point...nothing..nothing gets communicated here --mike)

Right-o. Then, like two days later, MADMARCY came back for more.

MADMARCY: Who the hell are you?

cisco127: what do you mean amanda?

MADMARCY: I know that you aren't Kyle

MADMARCY: please tell me who you really are

cisco127: ok ok

cisco127: i'm a goat

cisco127: i'm a magical goat

MADMARCY: if you don't tell me I wil punt you ever time you get on

cisco127: where will you punt me too?

MADMARCY: off of AOL

cisco127: ok..amanda...i'm not feelin' to well...so...i won't be difficult..you can ask me anything you want...you ask me a question..and i'll answer..and then i ask you a question..and you answer..and we'll go back and forth until you are satisfied

MADMARCY: okay who are you and I want the truth

cisco127: I am Juana

MADMARCY: Fuck you

cisco127: hey!! the rules were...you ask a question..and then i ask a

question...nothing physical, baby

cisco127: ok.......um...who is my favorite beatle?

MADMARCY: How am I supposed to know

cisco127: fair enough...your turn

MADMARCY: What grade are you in

cisco127: grade A...top quality meat

cisco127: ok.....if my head were veal...which i know it is not...how much

would it be worth?

--THE END (for now, i would guess)--

Feature #6:

I am not famous. Yet, i get letters from people that liked my page and therefore i'm going to call it fan mail because then i feel famous and important, instead of just some stupid kid with a computer and limited html knowledge. Anyway, i get letters (fan mail, if you will) on occasion, but nothing as cool as what i'm about to show you. The following was e-mailed to me by Amy Peterson (adpete@maila.wm.edu). She talked about her band Sally Went to Market for a bit, tried to relate it to Spinal Tap, and rambled on for a couple other sentances that, well, i didn't care about. :) But then, she sent me the lyrics to one of their songs, and.. well.. as my friend Andres put it as he was reading this.. "I'm repulsed, yet strangely drawn to read more." I can't begin to explain this song, but it's definite Feature of the Week material. So, here it is..

Tastes Like Chicken

First day i met you
you were such a little thing
i said hello, how are ya
and you gave a wink at me
you had some booty shorts on
my eyes had glanced to see
two chicken thighs & chicken wings
boy, i was so hungry

chorus:
your body is so small
i like to call you chicken
we're gonna have a ball
if your body tastes like chicken

i reached into the cabinet
and grabbed my knife and fork
my mouth began to water
the drool bgan to pour
hey, what the hell am i thinkin?
i'm not a cannibal
oh shit, she's biting my damn arm
the girl, she must be hungry

chorus.

I'll tell ya, that's one odd song. And they just forgot to keep on rhyming at the end.. but ya know what? It's still great. Two thumbs up, Sally Goes to Market! Bravo!

Also, this part.. apparently the LAST part in the Mike-MADMARCY trilogy, i figured is probably too small for a whole feature, so i'm throwin' it in here. So, here's the end of their relationship:

MADMARCY: who the hell are you???

cisco127: AMANDA!!!

MADMARCY: who are you?

cisco127: i am feeling a sense of dejavu

MADMARCY: please just tell me who you are!!

cisco127: marcy marcy...everytime i try to talk to you...you leave..you

ship out of my life...make me feel like a piece of meat

cisco127: t-bone

cisco127: not so much a bad thing

cisco127: but....the point it

cisco127: i sense a bit of sellfishness in your tone

cisco127: you want all the answers..who are you..who are you.....but you never give....just take and take.....what is your persistent preoccupation with grabbing

cisco127: grab grab grab

cisco127: what are you...a troll?

NOW i'm on BAN.....so so MAD this marcy is....always GRABBING --mike.

Feature #7:

This started out as me just being curious as to what Retsyn (in Certs) is, but i've begun writing companies with absurd questions simply to see if they'll take me seriously or not. Usually, they do. Either that, or it just happened to be a slow day at the office when my letter arrived. Here's Tylenol, the first victim of my little ruse.

To the people of Tylenol,

Hello. I had a terrible headache after my friend accidentally hit me in the head with a bat during a baseball game (I now understand why helmets are important) and so I was advised to buy some Tylenol. But after purchasing, I read the side and was advised to "not use if printed plastic overwrap or foil inner seal is broken."

This presented me with a problem because as I’m sure you are aware, I can not get to the Tylenol without breaking that seal. Yet breaking that seal will mean that I can’t use the product. I was quite confused.

My headache eventually went away, and the doctors said that the lump will be unnoticeable within a month. My friend even offered to pay for the Tylenol. But I am still confused as to what the purpose of this instruction is. Shall I look for a bottle with no seal, so I do not have to break it? Any advice or explanation would be welcome and appreciated.

Thank you,

Jason Feifer

-----------

Dear Mr. Feifer:

Thank you for contacting us about one of our TYLENOL acetaminophen products.

The warning printed on the label, "Do not use if carton is opened or printed red neck wrap or printed foil inner seal is broken", is to alert the consumer as to whether the package was previously opened prior to their purchase. If all the seals are intact at the time or your purchase, you certainly can break them and proceed using the product.

We hope this information is helpful. Enclosed is a coupon which we hope you will use toward your next purchase of our products.

Sincerely,

Tracee J. Ferraro

Consumer Affairs

(The coupon was for a dollar off any Tylenol product)

Feature #8:

I honestly don't know what came over me when i wrote this. But good god is it funny that they wrote back. I really didn't expect them to.

To the makers of Rhuli Gel,

Hello. Before I being, i would like to praise you on your amazing product. Every time I have an itch, i put a small blob of Rhuli Gel on it and it goes away immediatly! For this, i am very grateful. Unfortunatly, the product smells a little and I have gotten many complaints from co-workers. Yet i do not mind because the relief i recieve is plenty compensation.

However, i have run into a problem. On the outside of the bottle, it claims to be an "External Analgesic." I do not know what "gesic" means, but i am no fool and know full well what "anal" means. Therefore, when i had severe itches coming from my backside, i simply put the bottle to the area and squeezed a large amount of its contents into the area. I am now plagues with a sever uncomfortable feeling that can only be described as "squishy." I know you are itch-relieveing-medicine-making-people and not doctors, so i am not writing for medical advise. But I would appreciate if you removed the word "anal" from the bottle, for fear that i am not the only unfortunate soul that this will happen to.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Jason Feifer.

------------------

Dear Mr. Feifer:

Your letter regarding Rhuli Anti-Itch Gel has been forwarded to me for reply. I am sorry to hear of the uncomfortable feeling you report, and associate it with the use of our product.

Our experience with Rhuli products has been extremely favorable. Your report is highly unexpected, since we have no trend of similar reports. This product is formulated to provide fast, cooling, temporary relief of the itching and pain associated with many minor skin irritations externally. Our label states "For external use only". The term "analgesic" according to Dorland's Medical Dictionary means: relieving pain, not sensitive to pain, an agent that alleviates pain without causing loss of consciousness. This is why the term is used on the product.

All Rhuli products comply with the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) monographs. These monographs list safe uses and use levels for FDA regulated products.

We would be happy to cooperate with your physician by providing formula and technical data, on a confidential basis. If your physician believes this information would be beneficial, please have him/her contact me directly. Thank you for contacting the company, as we are very interested in all consumer questions and comments.

Sincerely,

Sandra E. Archer

Toxicology Specialist

Toxicology Specialist!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Feature #9:

I hope nobody's sick of these letters i've been writing because, quite frankly, they're not stopping any time soon.

To the makers of Clearasil,

Recently my son started having severe acne, and so i was advised to purchase your product for him. After i returned home, i looked at the bottle and saw "Benzoyl" clearly written under the product's name.

As I am sure you're aware, Doctor Benjamin Zoyl was an underground communist activist in Utah in the mid 70's. He riled up much communist activism, but unfortunatly was never apprehended. It is my personal feeling that he now resides in Zjelken, China, under the alias "Yao Tze-Leeaho." Of course, this is only speculation.

Therefore, it worried me to see his name, Ben Zoyl, on your bottle. I would feel much more comfortable using and promoting your product if you could reaffirm your political stance for me. I would not want my son using a product of an underground communist movement.

Thank you,

Jason Feifer

---------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Feifer,

Thank you for contacting Procter & Gamble about Clearasil.

The benzoyl peroxide used in our Vanishing and Tinted Creams is a derivative of benzoic acid and is not affiliated with either Benjamin Zoyl or communism.

If you have questions or comments in the future, you may find it convenient to call the toll-free number listed on our product packages. Thanks again for getting in touch with us.

Sincerely,

Janie Rice

Consumer Relations

Feature #10:

Well, i'm stupid. I lost the letter that i wrote to these people, but i got the letter back. Basically, i wrote Ellio's pizza and inquired as to why it says "Keep Frozen" on the package but it's so hard to eat straight from the package, and if i was doing something wrong in assuming that it would be hot and ready to eat by simply keeping it frozen.. anyway, if i find the letter i wrote i'll attach it.. otherwise, here's what they wrote back:

Dear Mr. Feifer,

Thank you for taking the time to contact McCain Ellio's Foods concerning our Frozen Cheese Pizza. You stated in your letter that since the pizza box states keep frozen that you assumed that it would be hot and ready to eat.

As indicated on our packaging, keep frozen, infers that the product is best when frozen. For example, if the product is allowed to thaw and is then refrozen, the quality deteriorates. This can affect the color, texture, flavor/odor and overall product quality.

In your letter you inquired as to whether or not the pizza was suppsed to be eaten directly from the package. Baking our pizza is required and they are not intended to be consumed directly from the pagkage, as you inquired. The back out our packages indicate the suggested baking time for our pizza products. Our pizzas can be cooked in a conventional over or a toaster oven.

Please accept our apologies for any inconvienence you may have experienced and thank you for your comments.

Sincerely,

Christi A. Boykin

Quality Assurance

(they sent me a coupon for a free Elios pizza!! Whoo-hoo!!)

Feature #11:

I love Ink19. They publish stuff i write and they get me on guestlists so i can review shows. But, on May 1st, the coolest thing occured: They got me an interview with Kay from Letters To Cleo. What an UNBELIVABLE band! Wow. So, here's the edited-unedited version of my interview.. there were a bunch of tangents about the zodiac and bands and gawking at the fireworks (we did the interview on a sidewalk while this pretty impressive fireworks display was going on) and Kay gawking at some random lady with an "amazing figure" (i was too fixated on interviewing her to even notice this lady) that i took out, and by the time i send this into Ink19 it'll be much shorter. Or.. i think. Can interviews be this long? Do they have room for that? Ahh.. i dunno. Whatver. I'll figure it out. Anyway, here's the interview thus far:

Oh.. key:
K = Kay
J = Me
S = Seth Brody
D = John DeMartino

(for those of who who don't know, Seth and John and two friends of mine that accompanied me on this majestic interview journey.. and Seth took pictures)

------------------------------------------------------------

J Well, first of all.. congratulations on your recent marriage.

K Thanks

J. Does it freak you out at all that here I am, some random kid in Florida, and I know your personal life?

K No. It would have freaked me out before the Internet, but I’m assuming you know certain things because of that.

J. Are you still on Revolution?

K We’re, fingers crossed, almost out of our deal. We’ve been trying to get out of our deal for a year now, because we hate them so much. We hate them so much. So, yea, we’re just about out.

J. Do you know where you’re going next?

K Well, I’m taking the summer off. The boys are working on Nina Gordon from Veruca Salt’s demos. So, Michael, Stacy, and Scott are doing that…

J. Stacy’s back with the band?

K Well, Veruca Salt broke up. So, yea, Stacy’s been back with us for the last six months or so. So, Nina’s doing demos for her new album, so the boys are doing the demos.. Scott, our bass player, is producing, and I’m gonna take the summer off and peruse other interests. And then hopefully, we’ll go back in the studio and start making a record before the end of the year.

J. Your last record.: The back of it has that sign "Push Button. Wait for Rock." Is that a real sign?

K No. It is a real sign, but the "Wait For Rock" was computer generated by our friend Aaron Belyea, who was the art director for the album and a very good friend of ours who we worked with to do the artwork, he generated that image by computer. But it is an actual picture of a sign in Boston.

J. Alright. This is my ‘into the mindset of…’ question: Most of your songs seem to be addressed to a "you." Is there actually a "you?"

K. Yea.. there’s not a "you." It’s one of my weaknesses as a storyteller, you know, my prolific use of pronouns. And I really try to avoid it, but it’s difficult to do. But you happen to be the first person to say that besides our tour manager! That’s something that I really do need to work on. But there are no specific "you"s. There lots of "yous" that I’m addressing.

J You’ve been with Mike for quite a while, and then there are many songs like I’m A Fool that seem to be basically a break-up song. Are you just..

K That’s a purely fictional account of a purely fictional experience. And there are songs that people interpret as being break-up songs like Find You Dead that are about completely different situations. But that’s a weakness that I have in writing songs that i… [big fireworks explosion] Wow! Wow! [Back to me] Umm.. that I do need to.. I mean, when I sit down and write stories, I find that I have a much broader vocabulary in terms of my writing. But when it comes to songs, and you’re beginning and ending a story in three minutes, it’s like you have to cut to the chase. And again, I fall back to the pronouns. Which I hate! I hate it in other people’s writing, and I hate it in mine. So, next album I’m going to eliminate the use of pronouns.

J. Have you ever seen PCU?

K No, I haven’t.

J. There one scene where the guy was complaining that people wear shirts of the band to the band they were going to see. Any opinions?

K Umm.. It would never be my choice to do that. But I like it because it shows that there are real, serious fans out there. Sometimes I like it more than other times. For instance, when we were on tour with Everclear and Our Lady Peace, and we were doing this opening slot that we had never done before and there were all these Everclear fans that wanted nothing to do with us. So it was nice to look out every night and see a smattering of Cleo shirts. It made us feel that there are people out there that we should be rocking for. And that I think is awesome. But again, it wouldn’t be my choice, but I don’t mind when people do it.

[Here, Kay and my friend John get into a 5 minute discussion on Boston indie-rock bands. Her main point in this whole digression is that everyone should check out a band called Trona, who are the future of rock and roll and sound NOTHING like the Refreshments]

J I’ll ask this question because John did this earlier. Have you ever bit your lip and made it bleed?

K [laughs] No. But, last week I punched myself in the face with the microphone and my lip bled. So, that’s sorta the same thing.

J. Being a female-headlined band and then playing the Lillith Fair didn’t help.. does it bother you that you’re classified as a ‘chick band.’?

K It’s just not really an issue for me. I don’t really think in those terms, and plus, I’m kinda guyish. I’m not really a girly girl. I’m kinda tough and brawny.

D. You think you could kick his ass? [points to me]

K Absolutly. No question. I mean, the boys in the band are more girly than I am. So, ya know.. Hey, [points to food stand over there] What do you think the chances are of that place having fried dough, and then what are the chances of them being open after our show? I’m really Jonesin’ for fried dough.

D. I will take the Vegas odds that it’s not going to be open at 10.

K Yea, I know. But if I eat it before the show, I’ll be sick.

D. Yikes.

K I’ll be vomiting. But I really want fried dough!! But I had a cheezeburger for lunch..

D. Fried dough is something everybody wants, but not everybody can have..

[Here we notice this couple heavily making out not more than 10 feet from us]

J How are you on public display of affection?

K I’m not THAT bad, but I’m a public displayer. My husband and I are public displayers, definitely.

J. Alright.. lets see here..

K I’m a Virgo.

S. What month is that?

K September

J September what?

K Eleventh

J Ah.. that is nowhere near my birthday.

K Well, there are twelve months in the year.. what are the odds that we’d have the same birthday?

J My friend said this has happened to every band, so we’ll see if that stands true. Have you ever been booed off stage?

K We’ve never been booed offstage, but we had some pretty awful audiences. A couple years ago we were opening up for the Buzzcocks, who I really like.. and, truth be told, our music isn’t that much different, and if people hadn’t heard Green Day and thought they were punk, they wouldn’t even be there to SEE the fucking Buzzcocks. So anyways, we had some evil audiences on that tour. I had a beer thrown at me, I got in a fist fight in Detroit...

J Did you win?

K Of course! But it’s like, we’ve had some really evil shit happen to us onstage. But, no, we’ve never been booed offstage. [Looks at fireworks again] Wow! By the way, this is our opening act. I don’t know how we’re gonna live up!

J Well, you definitely won’t be that loud!

[We all gawk at the fireworks for a while]

K [Grabs the taperecorder] THANK YOU, GOODNIGHT!

[Timed perfectly, the entire fireworks crowd starts cheering]

K Alright, we have to go play now.

J Ok.. well, thank you very much!

Feature #12:

Who is this? This is a little boy by the name of Amit (pronounced "A meat." Yes, this is where you start making jokes like "What's in the sandwich? Amit!") that was the son of this guy who looked over my group this summer. Anyway, he was one COOL kid, and was really more intelligent than about 99% of the people that go to my school.. he was bi-lingual, for christ's sake! Anyway, i asked him to do this for me, and i took a picture of it.. and it's the coolest fuckin' thing ever, and everyone should see it. I've had this picture lyin' around my room forever and ever (amen), and finally i got my friend Brette to scan it for me. So, here's Amit!

ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!!!!!!

Feature #13:

More MADMARCY! Atom G, apparently a friend of the silent-but-deadly MADMARCY (and equally as mad) started randomly screaming at Mike one recent day.. so, as usual, Mike turns it into something of Feature material. Thus.. here we have another addition to the ongoing saga.. enjoy!

Atom G: how come you told my friend you were kyle?

cisco127: kyle just stepped out..he'll be back in a minute

Atom G: whatever

Atom G: why do you keep stalking my friend amanda?

cisco127: jeepers creepers...here he is now

Atom G: shutup

Atom G: she told me you were weird

cisco127: weird just stepped out..he'll be back in a minute

cisco127: my name is kyle

cisco127: and i like to smile

cisco127: 8)

cisco127: 8D

Atom G: why do you keep talking to her? do you even know her?

cisco127: 8Þ

Atom G: answer me

Atom G: why don't you answer me?

Atom G: you wierdo

Atom G: I'm talking to kyle on the phone right now

cisco127: i'm a busy boy and have much smiling to do

Atom G: you're an asshole

cisco127: but if you can just hold 30 or 76 seconds i will love to answer any question you may have

cisco127: an asshole just stepped out...he'll be back in a few

Atom G: I will only hold for 45 seconds

cisco127: ok..i have mike cisco..weird..and an asshole all here

cisco127: what is it that you want?

cisco127: oh yes..amanda...i have special feelings for amanda

Atom G: why do you keep stalking my fruend amanda?

cisco127: our love is like a bruce springstein concert

Atom G: you dont even know her

cisco127: it's really long..it's not that good..but WOW..what energy!

Atom G: if you know her...what state does she live in?

cisco127: a state of paranoia so it seems

cisco127: sending atoms after me

Atom G: my name's not atom

Atom G: she asked me to find out what your problem is

Atom G: why don't you leave her alone

cisco127: well..when i was little i was kept in a closet

cisco127: therefore i was force to only eat food that could be slipped under the door

cisco127: pizza and pancakes

cisco127: all day long

Atom G: you're a dickhead

cisco127: At the age of 10, I became convinced that I was the lead soprano for the New York Metropolitan Opera. Nothing could dissuade me.Until the Times tore me to shreds.

Atom G: leave my friends alone!

cisco127: For years, I've had this reoccuring dream in which I have amustache. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but, I swear, I'm afraid to goto sleep.

Atom G: I HATE YOU

cisco127: you asked what my problem was..now you're just confusing me...what's the deal here...you seem to have some issues of your own my friend

Atom G: dont talm to me anymore

cisco127: well...the only reason i ever licked you, baby, was the salt

Atom G: talk

Atom G: SHUTUP!

Atom G: listen, all i want you to do is leave amanda alone!

cisco127: how much?

cisco127: 10, twenty bucks maybe

cisco127: amanda has no need to worry

cisco127: i'll fix her wagon

cisco127: hey..that's not all i'll fix *hint*

Atom G: you dont even know her you asshole

Atom G: you are a sick pervert who probably molests baby seals and infant albino orphans

Atom G: I'm done talking to you

Atom G: do you have any final comments?

cisco127: yes

cisco127: i speak no english

Atom G: bye bye dickhead

cisco127: Oh, so you're gonna leave me for this new guy, James? You're not gonna leave me. You're not gonna leave. Oh, you might *leave*...but you'll be back. D'ya know *why*? He's not sexy. I'm sexy, you like sexy, he's not sexy, I'm sexy. Yes I am. Yes I am. Yes I am. Yes I am. Oh, maybe not to Mister "Joe Average". But to the educated conniesseur of sexy, *I'm hot*! *I'm very hot*! Oh, maybe not to the person whose favorite group is the Beatles. But, if you own every Meatloaf album there is, then I'm your little sexy "Bat out of Hell".

Previous message was not received by Atom G because of error: User 'Atom G' is not available.

Feature #14:

I stopped sending the letters to companies for a while because, well, i have to sit down and write those things and that takes time that i'd rather spend doing nothing. But i did manage to scrape another one out that wasn't really that funny, but their response was a bit unexpected. So, i figure i'll post it. Here we go:

Pinaud Stypic Pencil,

I bought your product hoping it would successfully stop bleeding. I am a hemopheliac and have have been plagued with unstoppable bleeding for as long as i can remember. On March 26th, I cut myself with my razor and took your product out and followed the directions. Nothing exceptional happened except your claim of "stops bleeding caused by razor nicks" was disproven in stunning fashion. I would appreciate you putting a disclaimer on your product warning other hemopheliacs against using your product.

Thank you,

Jason Feifer.

-----------------------

Dear Mr. Feifer,

We have recieved your letter concerning our product, Pinaud Styptic Pencil.

I'm sorry that this product has not worked to your satisfaction, and I have forwarded your letter to the Marketing and Quality Control departments for their review.

If we can answer any other questions you may have please feel free to contact us again. Thank you for expressing your concerns to us.

Respectfully,

Mary Lull

Customer Service

Ok. Now, let's see here. Their customer just tried to use their product and BLED ALL OVER THE PLACE. As far as they're concerned, this guy could have bled to death. And what do i get? "I'm sorry that this product has not worked to your satisfaction" WHAT? What's going on here? Satisfaction is definitly not the term to use when your customer almost died. Someone needs a lesson in customer service, and i think it's Ms. Mary Lull.

Feature #15:

If you managed to see the feature one specific week, you'd have noticed that i was completly out of them. Not only that, but i was on my knees askin' for someone to give me something entertaining to put up here. Well, someone by the name of Aaron (bless his soul) responded and gave me a story. Now, here's why i decided to make this the feature of the week: 1) I had no idea that Ben & Jerry's had stores. I thought it was strictly limited to the supermarket. Thus, news to me. Secondly, i didn't know ice cream stores had these strange ceremonies of bringing in people in to check everything out. This is information everyone should know. Therefore, here's Aaron's story..

i happen to work at a ben and jerry's ice cream store...and apparently ben and jerry themselves hire inspectors (just a techinical term for "other outdated hippies in need of a job") to go into the real world and inspect the stores that comprise their franchise....so the inspector shows up, and begins looking around and watching me work and all, and acts like he knows what he's doing..or rather, tries to act like he isnt stoned off his ass...so he makes me re-arrange the counter tops and all for no other reason than to exert hippie power, and then decides to quiz me on the amount of ice cream in sundaes and all..

so he asks how much ice cream goes into a banana fudge royal..and i say "4 ounces"...he says, "NOPE!!!" all proud (and loud), and i say that i beleive that he is wrong, and he must be thinking about how many ounces he's already smoked earlier in the day (not really)...so i get out the official ben and jerrys book, and look up the answer, and lo and behold, im right..4 ounces...so he says, "yes, but how much is there in a small shake?"...so i look it up and say "6 ounces"...and he goes, "See?! See how it just jumps from 4 to 6 ounces like that?!" It made absolutely no sense, but he seemed proud of himself, so i let it go....

then he decides that i dont know how to scoop ice cream (much like you're fork incident: if gets onto the cone, then im doing my job, but he disagrees)...so he shows me how to scoop:

He takes a scooper, and pushes around the ice cream until it forms a ball the size of a grapefruit...and then he goes to put it onto the cone, and it falls onto the floor! No problem he says...so he bends down, and picks it up with his hands! His dirty hands off our even dirtier floor! well, then with his grubby pot smoking fingers he pushes the giant ball onto the cone so hard, that it proceeds to crumble apart....then he turns to me and says, "that is why we bring the cone to the ice cream, not the ice cream to the cone." By this point my eyes were tearing i was trying not to laugh so hard....

anyway, finally he's about to leave, and i say that hes a "good inspector"..he turns around and yells "im a CONSULTANT!!" whats the difference? i dont know, but he felt that i had to know this.....

thats ben and jerrys for ya...how we stay in business ill never know....im sure that you found this very boring, but i felt like telling people, and saw your address, liked your ramblings, and sent it to ya....keep up the kick ass web site...

in a stupor from the drugs,
aaron

Thank you, kind sir!

Feature #16:

I've been trying to avoid posting conversations, but in the past week i've had two people IM me with whom i had small conversations and then thought to myself, "that was just plain odd." So i'll post them. First is between me and some girl, who when she IM'd me i looked at her profile and say it said under hobbies "good girlfriend." I had to speak to her, if nothing else, at least to see what type of person puts that in their profile. Apparently, it's not a very bright person..

Fer954: HEY WANNA CHAT

KNULPREK: for the next few minutes. i've gotta book to work pretty soon though. hi, what's up?

Fer954: WHAT DO U MEAN U HAVE A BOOK

KNULPREK: i have to leave. book.

Fer954: WHAT DOES BOOK MEAN I DONT GET IT

KNULPREK: Book. it's a term. take the sentence, "i've got to leave for work." now, i can substitute the phrase "leave for" for "book to" and have it say "i've got to book to work." same meaning, different word. a little bit of slang for ya.

Fer954: OH K

KNULPREK: so, what do you think about collective bargining?

Fer954: CHAT

KNULPREK: interesting. ok, something simpler. what's your favorite type of jello?

KNULPREK: hello? jello? they rhyme, you know.

Maybe she doesn't like collective bargining. It's so scary there are people that unintelligent out there. Then i get into this conversation:

TJCx30: hey ja..weight? height?

KNULPREK: do i know you, and why would you ask that?

TJCx30: you have a pic?

KNULPREK: hmm.. we'll start with the first one. do i know you?

TJCx30: no..im in deerfield

KNULPREK: fun. why exactly are you so concerned with how i look?

TJCx30: your weight? height?

KNULPREK: yes. those too. why are you so concerned with that?

KNULPREK: i have no problem telling you that, but it seems a bit obscure of a thing to randomly ask

TJCx30: im horny and looking to giva a blow job

KNULPREK: well, doesn't that sound exciting. who are you anyway?

TJCx30: you into getting sucked off

KNULPREK: we'll try that again. who are you?

TJCx30: im a str8t dude...i suck str8t dudes off...very discrete

KNULPREK: well, isn't that intersting. you should probably get out more if you're so into that.

KNULPREK: hey, what in my profile made you think i'd be into your offer?

TJCx30: dude im only into str8t dudes

Now, you have to understand.. i'm cool with whatever sexual orientation you decide to choose. But really now.. this guy needs to grab some form of reality check. He was hit really hard over the head with the denial stick. Some people'll never accept it. Oh well.

Feature #17:

When i was around 11 or so, i was very much into the idea of having pen pals. I had a few from various spots in the states (had this one girl from Texas that i ended up meeting.. i had NOTHING to say to her. it was very awkward. we met in a mall, and our parents ended up talking or something) but i wanted one that was out of the country. So, i wrote this company, sent them a buck, and asked for an address of someone my age in africa. I get a name. Mensah. And an address.. somewhere in Ghana. So, i write the guy my generic 11 year old crap.. favorite nintendo game, favorite tv show, how i like school.. stuff like that. This is what i get back in return:

Dear Jason,

This is no one but your own darling calling to you from my town. Jason all your letter has been received with much thanks. The delaying of writing you is due to my absence in the country. I was at Lybia for the past four months. Jason I thank you very much for your continuing love you have for me, may God help us all. God has time for everyone and when time arises you will see the creation.

Jason, now, I am fed up in this country and I wanted to join you over there and I am giving you the full details of how to get me to your side. First my ticket, and visa or you can send me money to buy it here. Jason, if you want to know more about me, then contact my sister who is now in Canada for more information about me. For the visa you have to write to the Ghana Embassy here that you are inviting me to pay you a short visit and for that you are prepared to provide me accomodation and all my expenses until I leave back home.

Jason, this is the way you should write to the Embassy. Please try to post me money for other expenses. Jason I have no wife in Ghana and I pledge to take you as my everlasting love when I get there. For the mean time, I have no better photo of mine but you should take this to remember me. We are three in number. I Mensah your lover is holding the bottle and the third one who is wearig spectables is also a worker in our office.

Jason, you will be glad to see my country, a country that has been blessd with abandoned gold and diamond. If you need ring or chain that has been made by gold then it is Ghana. Please try to send me money so that I buy you more ring when I am coming.

Hope to here good news from you.

Ever Yours,

Mensah

I found this letter when cleaning my room last week and had to go post it on my page. This is funny as hell. The picture was great, but my mom made me send it back, and i was 11 so i wasn't going to argue. I did two stand-up comedy shows, and one of my routines focused on this letter. Basically, for those who didn't quite catch it, he wanted to come to the states, take me as his wife, and love me. Really, he just wanted to get the hell out of Ghana. Unfortunatly, he was writing to an 11 year old whose main concern was if they had Nintendo in Africa. Oh well. I wonder what ever happened to him..

Haha. I'm thinking about my old pen pals. Damn, i had a ton of them. I had this one that lived in the country.. like, the middle of North Dakota or something. I don't know where he even got my name from, but he wrote me and i wrote back and made a couple country jokes about cows and his mom or something. I thought i was just being clever. I never heard from him again. Another one was from somewhere in the desert.. Arizona, or something. So i sent him some leaves from this tree outside and was like "look, we have trees! Do you have trees?" I never heard from that one either. I had so many. There was one in England, and i was amazed that they had GameBoy in Enland. What's the moral here? Pen pals suck.

Feature #18:

An introduction for this one would be almost silly.

Squirtation.

It's very interesting how such a basic human necessity is so crudely taken care of. Public bathrooms that are actually clean enough so that you don't have to hold your breath for the duration of your visit are few and far between. And the ones that are clean enough to promote free breathing are usually found in establishments with a "my bathroom is holier than you" attitude. Better said: "Buy something, or you're not taking a piss." Our first reaction is to make some strange facial expression that conveys something very vulgar but really just looks like someone stuck a rather large object up your backside and you're trying to decide if you're enjoying it or not. Then we leave, see that the free public bathroom is infested with bugs, feces, and other things that resemble politics, and return to the pricey bathroom and buy some coffee. Which, coincidentally enough, will just make you need to use another public bathroom later on down the line. The cycle continues.

Once inside the public bathroom, with or without the prerequisite of purchasing something, there is one thing made abundantly clear: people don't know how to aim. This, of course, is directed at the male section of the population. It's rather safe to say that most people that use public bathrooms are above the age of fifteen. Therefore, why is their urine on the seat? You'd think that after years and years of using that thing, men would know how to aim properly. I'm not even referring to forty or fifty year olds, but even after fifteen years… hell, after ten years… you should have a full understanding of how that thing works and how to aim it. If I had been aiming something for ten years, I'd be an amazing expert at it. In fact, I am a male, and I fancy myself a wonderful shot. If you gave me a bow and arrow and let me play with it for ten or so years (don't take that "play with it" line out of context. That's a complete different editorial), I guarantee I could shoot the ear out of Mike Tyson's mouth.

There is a simple answer to this, however. Never underestimate the power of the first squirt. I don't mean to sound vulgar, but half the time you really have no idea how powerful that original shot is going to be. I've heard studies that the stuff comes out at a good 30 miles per hour sometimes. If you pissed in a school zone, you'd be breaking the speed limit. You'd also be pissing in public, which is probably against the law. Of course, not in so many words, but I guess the point is a bit moot. Regardless, the pure strength of it is scientifically impossible to prove, and when you've got to go so bad, the thought of controlling the blast-off is one of the last things on your mind. And so, blam. Urine everywhere. You sigh in relief as that first uncontrollable launch comes very close to covering the bastard that made you buy that coffee to use the restroom, and then manage to aim the thing perfectly in the middle. Or, against the wall of the toilet if you'd prefer to minimize the noise.

There must be, however, a way to at least somewhat predict the magnitude of that first detonation, and save the seat the pleasure of being covered. I certainly am an advocate of the coffee-selling guy out front getting covered, but it really does make for a rather unpleasant experience for the rest of us. If some consideration was given to the inaugural eruption, I think we'd all be a little happier. Never underestimate the power of the first squirt. Remember that, and the world will be a more fragrant place.

Feature #19:

The MADMARCY saga somehow continues. I can't quite figure out why this girl hasn't given up on talking to Mike yet, but for some reason she keeps on talking. So i told Mike that we might as well let her in on the joke. I mean, this is getting out of hand. But alas...

MADMARCY: hey what's going on?

cisco127: HI! i was just thinking about you

cisco127: were you thinking of meeeeeeeee as well?

MADMARCY: yes, even though I still don't know who you are!

cisco127: JEEPERS!

MADMARCY: what is that supposed to meen?

cisco127: mean ya mean, mean

cisco127: as in eeny meany miney mo

cisco127: i knew a guy named mo once

cisco127: unfortunately..due to his name..he couldn't get a job

MADMARCY: whenever I ask you your name you always change the subject, y?

cisco127: not everyone can work on the ranch, ya know, MAAARCY

cisco127: oh..i'm sorry..did you ask me my name?

cisco127: i most surely missed it

MADMARCY: please tell me yourname

MADMARCY: and my name is not Marcy

cisco127: oh..yeah..and i suppose you're not MAD either

MADMARCY: nope

cisco127: ]'

cisco127: eeee

cisco127: sorry

cisco127: i'm a bit flustered at the mention of this news

MADMARCY: where do you live?

cisco127: i'm actually quite nomadic...but yes..i live...nonetheless....until you leave me..then i die......i get these deep pains in my arms..breathing becomes difficult..

MADMARCY: if you are not going to answer any questions I am not going to talk to you anymore

cisco127: i am

cisco127: i am going to answer your questions

MADMARCY: What is your name?

cisco127: kyle

cisco127: spelt k-y-l-e

cisco127: come here, ya pirate

cisco127: ok..i'm going to lay it down straight for you

cisco127: you are the subject of an intense scientific research experiment

cisco127: our group would be happy to send you compensation for any emotional damage our research may have caused upon you.

cisco127: we would also be happy to direct you to a full report of technical and statistical data in relation to our study

cisco127: of course we would need your approval for this

MADMARCY: if you are going to act this way, I am not going to talk to you okay

MADMARCY: bye bye

cisco127: i can assure you this is not an act....we were hoping you would look upon this with approbation

MADMARCY: fu

-she signed off

But oh, no! That's not the end of it! She just.. she just keeps coming back! I don't understand it at all! But it's really funny, so i'll just keep on posting all this stuff!

MADMARCY: hey dude

cisco127: dude!

MADMARCY: yeah you got a problem?

cisco127: yes

MADMARCY: what would that be?

cisco127: two trains need to get to chicago at 2:30pm on a thursday, but one train leaves from las vegas (approx. 3200 miles away) and one leaves from los angelas (approx. 5630 miles away)...the las vegas train travels at 230 mph and the other at 275mph...what day and time should the two trains leave to meet in chicago at the same time?

MADMARCY: you got me

cisco127: i sure do

MADMARCY: so what is the answer?

cisco127: it's a trick question...nobody takes the train anymore..we skate

MADMARCY: very funny

cisco127: tell me amanda..are you married?

MADMARCY: no I am not

cisco127: there's a man from ghana who's looking to marry..if you're interested

MADMARCY: no thanx iam a little young

cisco127: when i was eight

cisco127: there was this kid

cisco127: in my class

cisco127: he was young

cisco127: a little young

cisco127: he was only eight

MADMARCY: wow

cisco127: yeah...you're a little young i hear

MADMARCY: from who/

cisco127: a friend of mine

MADMARCY: who would that be?

cisco127: his name is kyle..you probably dont even know him

MADMARCY: stop with KYLE

MADMARCY: How can I talk to you if you are always lying to em

MADMARCY: me

cisco127: um...how can you talk to me?

cisco127: i dont know exactly

MADMARCY: you know what I meab

cisco127: try speech therapy

MADMARCY: mean

cisco127: no..how can i talk to yooou if i dont know what you meab

cisco127: seriously..why you accusing me..i ain't been no where and i ain't doing nothing

MADMARCY: you won't eben tell me your name

cisco127: i did tell you amannddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

MADMARCY: noone's name is yaddle

cisco127: how could he be named noone AND yaddle

cisco127: sometimes your stories are made of swiss cheese

cisco127: filled with holes

cisco127: and straight up moldy

MADMARCY: what the hell is the matter with you?

cisco127: i dont know...my stomach hurts real bad though

cisco127: should i get it checked out?

MADMARCY: no just take some medicine

cisco127: you're a little young to be tossin' out medical advice, howser

MADMARCY: well how old are you?

cisco127: eight..like i say

MADMARCY: how old do you thikn I am??

cisco127: fifty

MADMARCY: not quite

cisco127: quiters never win

MADMARCY: thank you for sharing

There are more features to be had. (well, old features, that is.)

Features I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI

Or, we can always go back.