Features 155 and on Feature #155: I thought it would be funny to make a t-shirt featuring French man on a toilet (you'd know he's French because he'd be wearing a stereotypical red-and-white striped shirt), and underneath, the following question would be posed: "Duex yuex puex?" But, then complications arose: how can this man be on the toilet without making this shirt sort of gross? Why would this shirt ask such a stupid question? Who doesn't poo? And finally, who would actually buy this shirt? So, screw that. Funny idea, but i'm not the one to make it. Anyway, i've got a special animal-themed feature for you this week: a photo exploration of Floridia's tragic bird, and a brief investigation into Wyoming's garbage-eating pigs. Hope you enjoy. Well, now that i've written that, this table of contents is a bit unnecessary. But, for tradition's sake...
1. Floridia's tragic bird ***************************************************************************** 1. How do you know what's floating in the water? By not going to Florida. It was 1998. My parents and I were driving down Park Ave. in Worcester, Massachusetts, on our way to the college where I'd spend my next four years. Worcester is run-down post-industrial city, a place filled with poverty and littered with empty brick buildings. And there, off the side of Park Ave., was a small park -- a little cough of grass among the gray haze. In the middle of the park was a lake, and in that lake was dozens of beautiful ducks, floating aimlessly in the closest thing they may ever find to a natural environment. From the car window, I looked at them and shook my head with dismay. "Look at those ducks. That's really a bit much, isn't it?" "What is, the ducks?" my mom replied. "Yeah. How many fake ducks do you need in a lake? One or two, fine. But they've got a whole flock. That's really overkill." "Jason, those aren't fake ducks." "They're not?" No, they weren't. They were real ducks. Real, live, eating and pooping ducks. I had never seen so many. It was culture shock. I just recently took a some pictures to explain why I could have been so misguided. Please, take this as a lesson. If you meet someone from Florida, have mercy on them. Drag them to a nearby park and explain to them that nature really does exist. Unlike the ducks and flamingos and noses in Florida, life really isn't plastic. See, this is the kind of duck we have in Florida:
Ugly, aggressive, everywhere. These ducks wander the streets, chasing people for food and defecating on every possible surface. As a child in Florida, you may feel bad for these ducks. They have been beaten severely with the ugly stick. They are nature's punchline... or, no, I take that back. The platypus is nature's punchline. These ducks are just nature's mistake. So, at one point or another, the Floridian child will steal some bread from its parents, and go feed this ugly duck. Like magic, dozens of other ducks will appear from nowhere. They are all hungry. They are all angry. They are all ugly. You try to feed them, but their appetite is insatiable. Immediately, they start crapping on your driveway. Then, they start coming towards you. They surround you. If you don't have any more bread, well, they'll just eat you instead. You run away crying. They don't go away. They'll come back for a week. And yes, every time they come, they will poop. White, gross, stinky poop. Now, look at the middle of that lake. There, floating quite delightfully, is the kind of duck we in Florida only hear about:
Beautiful, serene, a real aesthetic addition to the environment. To us, these ducks are just a rumor. They are the jackalope, the red-nosed reindeer. If they exist, it is only in storybooks and whispers, these mythical creatures coming to grace our lakes and ponds while we sleep. Look how lovely it is up close:
But, hark! All these photos were taken in Florida. How is that possible? How can that be? Has nature been defied? Did Mother Nature shack up with Father Unnatural? No. Let's zoom out:
There it is: the ugly truth. That duck is mounted atop some pipe, whose purpose defies logic. Wind, rain or snow (ha ha), that duck goes nowhere. It is stoic, perpetually pretty, unwaveringly unreal. This is the awful truth in Florida. The ugly ducks have ugly hearts, and the pretty ducks are hollow. I've lived in New England for six years now, and have since been able to determine if a duck is real or fake. I am no longer fooled by Florida's trickery, but I swear to you that I once was. The ducks had gotten to me. I was a product of my environment. The Floridian heat had gone to my head. I had sweat out any sense of logic, and bathed in the Ocean of Misery. But now I am dry. I know what birds are made of -- feathers or no feathers, eyes or beads, from an egg or a company called Ducks 'R' Us. (Ok, so i made that last bit up.) And now i am free. Duck you, Florida. Duck you. ***************************************************************************** 2. About a week ago, the picture of the day featured a link to a Wyoming law regarding the permit process for feeding garbage to pigs. This came from my friend Rob, who was tickled -- as i was, and as i hope you were -- by the notion of a) feeding garbage to pigs, and b) the government regulation of such an act. Rob took his amusement a step further, and actually contacted the Wyoming official in charge of this permit process. Here, for your education and amusement, is their brief correspondence: -------
From: Rob Hello, How do I qualify for (and what steps should I take) to obtain a feeding permit from the Livestock board under Wyoming statute title 11, chapter 27? I would like to obtain a permit to feed untreated animal and vegetable waste to swine. I am also curious what form the permit takes. Is it a written document? Is it a laminated card I should keep with me? What does it say? Please respond at your convenience.
Thank you, -------
From: Jim Logan, Wyoming State Veterinarian Rob, Thank you for your request for information regarding acquisition of a permit for feeding garbage to swine. First, let me give you my correct e mail address. The address you sent your request to was for John Logan who works in the Wy Tourism Department. He forwarded it to me. My correct address is: (address removed) -- the "1" has to be included. The steps needed to obtain a permit are first a written application to the Wyoming Livestock Board explaining your reasons for feeding garbage and detailing your feeding operation, and also defining your ability and method of treating the garbage. Wyoming Statute 11-27-106 states " All garbage, regardless of previous processing, before being fed to swine shall be thoroughly heated to the boiling point for at least thirty (30) minutes, unless treated in some other manner approved in writing by the board as being equally effective for the protection of public health." As you can see, it is a misnomer to call this a permit for feeding untreated garbage, because the condition for issuing a permit calls for treating the garbage. The statute also says that the board must charge $ 1.00 for each permit. Inspection is, by statute, another condition of maintaining a permit. Feeding garbage to swine is certainly not encouraged for public health reasons as well as livestock health reasons, and I am not aware of the Wyoming Livestock Board having granted a garbage feeding permit . If I can be of further help, please let me know. Jim Logan, Wyoming State Veterinarian ------- So, what did we learn? Well, clearly, that there's a law allowing for the feeding of garbage to swine, and that it's actually treated garbage that you feed to swine, but that feeding garbage to swine is actually discouraged, and nobody has actually issued a permit, despite the existence of such a permit, in order for swine to be fed garbage. It's official. I'm moving to Wyoming. ***************************************************************************** Feature #156: Let's get on with it, shall we?
1. The Johns and eyes have it ***************************************************************************** 1. Are John and John seeing eye to eye? There's been plenty media speculation that John Kerry will take the nomination and then tap John Edwards for veep. The ticket makets perfect sense, because both have something the other doesn't: Kerry with his political experience and points for a heroic war record, and Edwards with his ties to the South and his ability to charm a crowd. Of course, Edwards says he rejects the idea of being VP, but that's pretty par for the course. No presidential candidate is going to spit on his campaign by saying he's shooting for anything less than the White House, but that doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. Of course, there's also the aesthetic differences between the two Johns: Edwards is attractive and looks far younger than he is (age 50), and Kerry looks like somebody a murderer sees right before he dies. Kerry looks so bad, in fact, that when he started appearing on TV with a smooth forhead, speculation ran wild that he was using Botox. So, will John and John see eye to eye? Will they join forces to stop Dubya? Since this site is not dedicated to deep political analysis, I thought the only way to really address this issue is, in fact, to see what John and John would look like if they saw not only eye-to-eye, but eyes-to-eyes. It appears they'd look something like this:
Edwards looks like he got in an awful bar fight and then had face-transplant surgery with a racoon, and Kerry looks, well, better. And by "better," I mean he looks like an alien. Interestingly, I had a really difficult time finding a large headshot of Kerry. I wanted these photos to be much larger, but every large shot of Kerry is an in-action shot taken by somebody else, and all professional shots from his presidential and senate websites are tiny. Meanwhile, of course, large Edwards photos are in abundance. He really is the pretty boy of the campaign season. Take a look, for instance, at the difference in sizes of the headshot links from their respective senate websites: http://edwards.senate.gov/images/press/edwards_headshot.jpg http://kerry.senate.gov/bandwidth/images/home/headshot.jpg Pretty funny, no? As far as the Kerry staffers are concerned, apparently, he's a man best looked at from afar. Meanwhile, the Edwards folks want you to be able to, if you so please, make out with the life-size photo of his head. If Dubya had to be compared to a fairy tale, it would be, as Senator Robert Byrd said, "The emperor has no clothes." John and John's fairytale, of course, will be "Beauty and the beast." *****************************************************************************
2. Outtakes from Cuttin' Up, an infomercial for
knives Host: And if you order in the next twenty minutes, we're going to throw in an extra pair of filet knives. So, that's ten knives -- count 'em, ten knives, not including the hand-held juicer -- for the price of eight. Sandy, how much would you expect to pay for something like that? Sandy: Oh, I don't know. Eighty dollars? Host: Actually, yes. Ha ha. That's what we're selling them for. Sandy: Oh, I must have been reading the wrong... Host: Cut! * * * Host: Folks in the studio audience, I wonder. You've seen this knife cut through a tomato, but that's not going to make you want to take it home, will it? Would you like to see it cut through something a bit stronger? Audience: Yes! Host: How about a potato? Would you like to see it cut through a potato? Audience: Yes! Host: What about a shoe? I don't know when you'd actually want to cut through a shoe, but we'll do it for you anyway. Would you like that? Audience: Yes! Host: What about an aluminum pipe? Audience: Yes! Host: A hydrogen atom? Audience: Yes! Producer: Cut! Phil, can I talk to you for a minute? * * * Sandy: So you're telling me that the itty-bitty knife you've got right there will cut through a bagel, but won't cut through your finger. Host: That's what I'm telling you. Sandy: I don't believe it. Host: Well, if you see it, will you believe it? Sandy: I guess I'd have to! Host: Then here we go. (Sticks finger through the bagel hole, and cuts through both the bagel and his finger, which tumbles to the ground. Blood begins flying.) Host: Ahhh! Sandy: Oh, dear God. Host: I think I'm going to pass out. Oh no. Oh no. Sandy: Oh, Phil, I'm so... wait, is that a fake thumb? Host: Ah hah hah! Sandy: Cut! * * * Host: What do you use your knives at home for, Sandy? Say you're having a party. You'll need some knives, right? Sandy: Well, sure. Yes. Host: You'd need to cut up some vegetables for that delicious dip you bought. Sandy: Of course. Host: And maybe you'd get some crackers. But then, you don't need to cut crackers, do you? Right, folks? (Audience applauds) Sandy: You sure don't! Host: But, you might need to cut something to put on the crackers, right? Sandy: Sure. Like cheese? Host: Right. So, Sandy is at home cutting the cheese... Sandy: Hah hah. Host: What's funny? Oh, cutting the cheese? Sandy: Yes, I didn't see that coming. Host: Oh, ha ha. Right. So, Sandy's at home, making methane. Sandy: What? Host: I'm just setting the scene. You're at home, firing your cylinder... Sandy: Oh, come on now. Host: Sandy, let's just stick to the program. You're at home, and let out a trouser cough... Sandy: A what? Host: Folks, Sandy's got some anal audio, doesn't she? (Audience applauds) Host: You know, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone lets out a panty burp every now and then. Sandy: This is insane. Host: What, Sandy? Can't admit to some turd-honking while you're using our bargain knives? Arranging those crackers and letting out a brown cloud? No? (Sandy stabs Host with a knife) Sandy: Cut! ***************************************************************************** 3. Apologies to all duck and goose fans. Considering it was up for two months, I'm sure most people would like to forget all about the last feature. At this point, it's probably like No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl" -- just totally played out, devoid of whatever redeeming qualities it might have had. But alas, I got an e-mail from an observant reader named Andrew in December, shortly after the feature was posted, pointing out a mistake I had made. So, I thought it was only proper to run this brief correction, in the form of Andrew's and my e-mails:
Subj: Ducks? Dear Jason, May I call you Jason? Anyway, this is your friendly reader Andrew McGill. While I did enjoy your latest feature quite a bit you may have been wrong about the species of foul that you wrote about. I believe, and correct me if I am wrong(which i often am), that fake bird looked to me as if it was a Canadian Goose and not a duck (Mallard or otherwise). We have quite a few of them in Georgia and I fancy myself quite the expert. Now this faker might of been there to attract other geese to the pond during their migration to the south. So they do not populate peoples pools and such. I could stand to be corrected, but I figured I should put my 2 cents in any way. andrew mcgill * * *
Subj: Re: Ducks? andrew, you very well might be right. truth be told, i don't know a whole lot about birds. duck, goose, chicken, it's all essentially the same to me. well, except for the chicken. i know what a chicken is. what i'm saying here is that a duck and a goose are very different animals, and perhaps i'm not the best and telling which is which. although, i know a goose when i see one. what i'm really saying here is that i may not have noticed that the fake duck is really a fake goose. i think you're right. but you know what? i'm not going to change it, because i'm lazy. i will, however, make note of your observation in next week's feature. thank you for being observant. it was very observant of you. -jason. ***************************************************************************** There are more features to be had. (well, old features, that is.) Features I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI Or, we can always go back. |
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