Features Six: Like a six-slice pizza

Feature #60:

Here's the thing.. i really don't spend a lot of time "online" America Online. I check my mail, and that's about it. Somehow, though, i manage to attract the strangest things. This conversation, which i had on Monday, is a prime example of this. Now, i changed the name of the girl to "MADMADMAD" because i didn't want to add to her embarassment, but this was just all too strange to keep to myself. So, here we are.. the strangest conversation i've had online.

MADMADMAD: You ass.

KNULPREK: Excuse me?

MADMADMAD: You heard me. You ass. I can't believe I trusted you. Fuck you.

KNULPREK: What? Who is this?

MADMADMAD: Oh don't pull that. You know who this is. Friday night? Lots of Long Island Iced Teas? That joke about the purple fuzzy omelet. Ring any bells, or were you too fucking drunk to even remember me?

KNULPREK: I don't even have the slightest idea what you're talking about.

MADMADMAD: Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

KNULPREK: Who IS this? This is ridiculous.

MADMADMAD: That's an understatement, Aaron. What's ridiculous is what happened with you and me at Brian's on Friday night. I can't believe you. I thought you were a nice guy. You FUCKING ASSHOLE!

KNULPREK: What? Who's Aaron?

MADMADMAD: Very funny. Aaron, the guy who hooked up with my sister on Saturday. I know, you bastard. She told me. You're totally fucking busted.

KNULPREK: Look, I'm not Aaron. This is all very interesting and all, but you've got the wrong guy.

MADMADMAD: I'm not buying that! You're busted and you know it. I'm telling everyone.

KNULPREK: No, really. I don't know how to convince you of this, but I'm not Aaron. I'm really not.

MADMADMAD: I'm going to tell Stacy, Aaron. I was going to keep it a secret because you said you had a crush on me at Brian's, but I can see that CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND isn't a one-time event. I'm telling Stacy.

KNULPREK: Who's Stacy? Who's Brian? Who are you? I don't know! I can tell you who I am, though: NOT Aaron! My name is Jason. Look, it seems that you've got yourself a rather personal issue going on here, and you've just spilt a lot of it to someone you don't know. Me. Jason. Not Aaron. Now, you can continue with it, because I am finding this rather interesting, but I don't know you and I don't know anyone named Aaron, Stacy OR Brian, and I'm probably not the person you want be having this conversation with right now. OK?

MADMADMAD: You're not Aaron?

KNULPREK: NO! I'm NOT Aaron! Why do you think I'm Aaron?

MADMADMAD: Jamie told me.

KNULPREK: Who the hell is Jamie?

MADMADMAD: Oh shit. Oh shit.

KNULPREK: What's going on?

MADMADMAD: Fucking Jamie. She told me you were Aaron.

KNULPREK: Well, she told you wrong.

MADMADMAD: Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sorry. I'm SO SORRY!

KNULPREK: It's ok. Don't worry about it.

MADMADMAD: I'm so sorry! Oh man.

KNULPREK: Really, not a problem. Go find Aaron and give him hell.

MADMADMAD: I'm going to kill Jamie.

KNULPREK: Good luck.

MADMADMAD: I'm so sorry! I can't believe I just did that.

KNULPREK: Don't worry. Stop. Go find who you need to talk to.

MADMADMAD: Ok. I'm sorry!

KNULPREK: Stop apologizing, don't worry. Get Jamie and Aaron in a room together and bomb them.

MADMADMAD: I think I will.

KNULPREK: Great. Good luck.

MADMADMAD: Bye. Sorry again!

KNULPREK: No problem.

MADMADMAD: Bye.

Who are these people? I don't know. I'm assuming Jamie is someone who's at least been to this page, but i just don't know. I don't go to parties where random people get drunk and screw, and i really actually don't know anyone named Aaron, Brian or Stacy. Much like last week's feature, i just don't know.. oh boy.

Feature #61:

Ok, Thanksgiving thankfully came and went, and we're back to business. I had myself quite a lovely turkey-less dinner, and i hope you all had nice times as well. I also visited a friend of mine on his rented houseboat named "Pure Pleasure," which was really quite nice. If you're going to name a boat, you really might as well name it that. Or, maybe something like "Rock the Boat" or "Please Don't Sink Me."

1. Some ass-spike negativity
2. Angry goth responds
3. A funny tidbit about Bill Clinton in Japan

1. So, i had once posted (see Feature #53) about a girl at the University of Southern California that had fallen out of a building and landed on a spike.. on her butt. The whole scene just sounded so painful and absurd that i made a small mention of it. However, someone from the school who knows her named Margaret wrote me, and has something else to say about the pole-butt girl:

i was just reading your features of the future past something or other and i came across your mention of the girl who goes to USC who was impaled on a spike. now, i know this girl, and let me just tell you--she got what she deserved. she's probably one of the most annoying people i've ever met, save my ten year old cousin and a few salesgirls at the gap. i assure you, she is not handicapped by this accident; she even went on cbs this morning to flaunt her stupidity! please don't give her any more publicity. she is an attention whore and i cannot stand the fact that everyone is talking about her simply because she is a clumsy idiot. every time she is introduced to someone new, she immediately asks, "did you hear what happened to my ass?" she's always been looking for her "big break." let's just say this was a fitting answer from god. sigh. perhaps she has had her fifteen minutes in the spotlight. hopefully it will last a long, long time. oh danielle. what a moron.

i'm glad i got this off my chest. i have been wanting to rant about her since the second i saw her piggish face on diane sawyer's tv show. the girl is a menace to society. mark my words.

So, that's that. What did we learn? Just because someone had a spike go in their ass, it doesn't mean that you have to be nice to them. I can't imagine what i'd say if someone said, "did you hear what happened to my ass?" Now, i really don't have anything to base this on, but i can't imagine that she's anywhere near successful at picking up guys with this line. But maybe there are guys out there that like their girls with spikes in their asses. It takes all kinds.

2. My Australian friend Nat sent a goth from her school to my goth site, and he responded by sending her a long and angry letter quoting my page and refuting various accusations -- as if they were serious in the first place. But anyhow, the letter gets good right about here:

So in this guys view, and obviously your own, I have to wear "fake-vampire teeth" and worship satan to be gothic. Ah, no. But still, he says goths shun sunlight. I try, wherever possible to do this. It's not because I wish to appear gothic, it's because I geninely do not like to be in the sun. Perhaps you do, and that's all well and good for you, but I don't. Sure, the sun is really unescapable, but I don't care, I simply dislike it. I prefer the dark...do you have a problem with that? In fact, I have despised the light ever since I shared a room with my "afraid-of-the-dark" little brother.

I know the guy was just trying to make people laugh, and so in effect, was simply bagging out goths, not genuinely questioning them, so in essence, your direction to the site was quite pointless, if not a complete waste of time. Ironically, after all this paying-out of the "gothic religion" as it was put, i was informed that I could return to the "Happy Scrappy" page. I do believe that if you put that together and separate it again between the "S" and the "C" you get "happys crappy" which would imply that being happy is crappy. So what state of mind are the creators of this site in? Are they sad; obviously not, although perhaps they are, where "sad" means "pathetic".

Farewell and Goodnight.

Now, to his credit, he's one of the only people to get mad at the page but still recognize that i'm just doing it for laughs. However, the whole "Happy Scrappy / Happys Crappy" theory was just too good to pass up. If anyone else feels that i'm promoting too much of the crappy happy, then i do apologize for attempting to make your life lighter. Stupid me!

3. True story:

Prior to meeting President Clinton, Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori, who doesn't speak English well, was advised to ask the president how he was, wait for an affirmative response, then add, "Me, too." According to the Asahi Evening News newspaper, Mori asked instead, "Who are you?" When Clinton replied, "I'm Hillary's husband," Mori added, "Me, too." (courtesy of City Link)

Feature #62:

This week's feature is going to poke fun at religion, simply because i like the idea of themed features and this one fell right into my lap. So, here we go. Viva la burning bush, or something.

1. Inquiries into the Pope.
2. A funny joke that's not funny

1. This is an e-mail that a reader named Steve Bernard wrote to some Vatican site in regards to a few concerns he has about the Pope. He never got a response, which isn't too surprising. He seems kind of dissapointed about that. Here it is:

Hello, I have a couple questions for you about John Paul II that I would appreciate having answered. First of all, is the Pope allowed to retire, or does he have to die? Say, the Pope says "I'm sick of being the Pope. I want to open a strip club." Does he quit? Or is he just the Pope with a strip club? What if he decided he wanted to be a guitarist for Marilyn Manson? Would it be "and now, presenting, Marilyn Manson, Twiggy Ramirez, and Pope John Paul II"? Would he get kicked out of his position as Pope for doing that? Would someone take his hat? What if he had an affair with an intern? Does he get to stay the Pope? Or is he given the boot and stripped of his hat? What if he decided to start charging people money to come see the hat? Or to take a ride in the Pope mobile? That'd probably be okay if he gave a portion of it to the Church, right? What if he kept it all to himself to buy porn? Is the Pope allowed to read porn?

Is he allowed to make modifications to the Pope mobile? What if he put bat logos on it and threw a jet engine in? You know, like the Batmobile? Get it, Popemobile, Batmobile? Get it? Hahaha. Get it? They both end in mobile, hahahaha, get it? What if he put a bumper sticker on it that said "run your fingers over my car and I'll run my car over your fingers"? Is he allowed to do that? What about those rubber things behind the tires on trucks that are sillouettes of naked ladies? Can he put those on the Pope mobile?

What about modifications to his hat? Can he put stickers on the hat? Like, say, a bunch of punk rock stickers. Or maybe a sticker that says "I'm not a bitch, I'm THE BITCH"? Is he allowed to put viking horns on it, like bikers do? What if he got sick of wearing such a big hat, and just started wearing a baseball cap? Maybe one of those ones that has a 3-dimensional butt on the hat and says "butthead" on it. Can he wear that? Can he wear the helmets that have beer on them with straws coming down so he can drink beer without holding a can? Is he allowed to drink beer at all? What if he started wearing the beer helmet but just used it for 7-Up? He can at least drink 7-Up, right?

Does the Pope prefer Coke or Pepsi? Or maybe he just prefers water? Possibly holy water? Then again, he might go for the wine. I hear nothing goes down better than the metaphorical blood of Jesus Christ.

What if the Pope wanted to dress up like Satan for Holloween? Or maybe just a big ugly bloody corpse? Is The Pope even allowed to celebrate Holloween at all? Does he go Trick-Or-Treating? Does he egg houses? What about throwing toilet paper on trees? Would that be un-Pope-like? Or maybe he just goes and watches a scary movie. What did The Pope think of The Blair Witch Project? If he liked it he could catch the sequel on Holloween. That will be a good scary movie.

Does The Pope watch a lot of movies? What'd he think of The Matrix? I love The Matrix. Especially that part when that guy starts shooting all those people and everyone dies. That movie was awesome. I think the Pope probably liked The Matrix. What about Fight Club? That movie was cool too. I was happy when the one guy beat the other guy's face to a bloody pulp. Blood is cool. I think the Pope would enjoy Fight Club. Fighting rules.

Who would win in a fight, Jesus or the Pope? Have they considered a charity boxing match, perhaps? What about The Pope vs. Marilyn Manson? Or possibly the Pope vs. Sinead O'Connor? Maybe you can do a tag team deal, Jesus and The Pope vs. Marilyn Manson and Sinead O'Conner. Just a thought.

Was the Pope mad when Sinead O'Conner insulted him? Did he ever consider having a Vatican assassin off her? Does the Vatican have assassins? You know, to kill rock stars and athiests and stuff? Or does the Pope do all his own dirty work? Is he allowed to blow someone away if he wants? Would he still be the Pope if he popped a cap in Sinead O'Conner's ass? Probably not, I guess. That is breaking one of those Commandment things, huh?

Does the Pope like toast? I love toast.

What kind of music does the Pope like? Is he a classic rock fan? Maybe he is more of a hip hop music kind of guy. You know, the kind of guy that likes watching girls shake their asses to Dr. Dre? Nah, I'll bet chicks at the Vatican are too old to shake their asses to hip hop. Nine Inch Nails is my favorite band. Does the Pope like NIN? I'll bet you he is the type that goes to NIN concerts and screams along to the lyrics. Does he like moshing? Is the Pope allowed to kick some ass in the mosh pits? The Pope would destroy all in the mosh pits.

I'd be most appreciative of some answers to these questions, so I can come to understand what the life of our earthly connection to God is like. Please respond to me at , I'd really appreciate it. Also, one more quick question... Does The Pope know Jesus' e-mail address? I've been trying to track it down, as I have a bunch of questions for him too. Thanks.

2. A funny joke i just made up, but i bet it's not really funny:

Jesus walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Jesus!"

Feature #63:

Let it be known that i am updating this webpage from an airplane. It's very dark outside, and all i can see is this orange/red blinking light from the wing. I'm in 15A (window seat), there's nobody in 15B, and 15C seats a bald man with a goatee. A child was crying (on a plane, a child is ALWAYS crying. even if there isn't a child to be found on the plane, somehow a child will be crying. this child is, without fail, in the same row as me), but he finally fell asleep. Either that, or his mother threw him out the window.

Finals are finally done, which places me on winter break for the next month. My band is going back into the studio in a week or two to record an EP.. don't all get too excited, now. Here's this week's feature:

1. How to ace a final paper; or, how to kiss ass
2. A joke that relates to last week's feature.
3. Teen girls e-mailing each other about smoking? Oh, glorious day!

1. I'm not sure if i advise this as a method of either passing or failing a paper, but i'll find out soon enough. I just finished my third semester of classes with a philosophy professor who i enjoy for his humor and tangentially-conducted class. Towards the end of the semester, he made a reference to Firesign Theatre and then asked me if i knew of them.. which i didn't. He said knowledge of the Theatre was as important as anything we were covering in class, and so i asked him if he would allow my final paper to be on said Theatre. He agreed, although i dobut he expected me to actually do it.. which was a good assumption. I didn't.

However, i did write the Firesign Theatre, and attached the e-mail conversation of to the beginning of my final paper. Everything else will be explained in the series of e-mails that now follow. Stay tuned.. i'll tell you how i did on the paper when it's graded.

Subj: Firesign and Recent European Philosophy
Date: 12/11/00 12:53:09 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: KNULPREK@aol.com
To: firesign@firesigntheatre.com

Hello Firesign,

I'm a junior at Clark University, and am currently gearing up to write my final paper in Recent European Philosophy. In class today, my professor mentioned your program, and we ended up agreeing that i could write a final paper about the Firesign Theatre.. however, he told me that he can recite the majority of your material by heart and that my paper "has to be really good."

So, i looked around your website and, while i enjoyed what i listened to, i can't imagine that i'd be able to pull off a good paper on your program in two days. Therefore, i've decided to write a paper about feminism (this decision has nothing to do with your program.. it was what i was planning on doing before this whole Firesign Theatre conversation), and include as many references to Firesign Theatre as i possibly can. Am i a kiss-ass? Maybe a little.

To further the kiss-assing, i was wondering if you could possibly e-mail me some kind of letter talking about how good of a grade he should give me on this paper.. i'll then print this out and attach it to the paper, and viola! Firesign Theatre helps out the little people. If you're willing to do this, his name is Gary Overvold. If you're not willing to do this, please e-mail me and tell me how bad of an idea this is. Either way, i think i'll be good.

Thanks!

take care..

-jason.

--------

Subj: Re: Firesign and Recent European Philosophy
Date: 12/11/00 1:30:16 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: firesign@bluemarble.net (Firesign Theatre)
To: KNULPREK@aol.com

Hi Jason;

Doc Technical here, co-webmaster (with Brian Westley) of the Firesign Theatre website.

So let me get this straight: you want me to write your professor and indicate how good of a grade you should get on a paper you need to write on Feminism (a paper which I assume will include as many references to the Firesign Theatre as you can cram in) - if I think writing such a paper is a good idea. If I don't think it's a good idea, all I have to do is tell you so and not send anything to your professor.

All this is irrespective of whether or not there is any real connection between the collected recordings of the Firesign Theatre and the subject of feminism.

This is quite possibly one of the most unusual requests we've received to date here at Firesign Web Central. Most of the time, people write us asking where they can get Firesign recordings or they just want to tell us how they used to get stoned and listen to Firesign recordings in their dorm room (in which case we admire them for their ability to hold together enough brain cells over the years to have figured out how to write and send email) and they throw in a quote from one of the older recordings - a quote which they get right only half the time.

Frankly, the subject of Feminism comes up only tangentially in Firesign material - although the same can be said of a number of subjects, inasmuch as the Firesign Theatre has made a career of tangential thinking in the course of creating the majority of their recorded work. So while my initial thought is that writing such a paper is a real stretch, I suppose one could draw any meaning they wanted to from most Firesign material - it's just that malleable!

As with offering to write the paper for you, the notion of simply giving you a straight answer to your question strikes me as being a little too easy on you. So I'm going to ask you a question and if you can answer it correctly, I'll help you out:

Cite the Firesign Theatre recording *and the origin* of the Porridge Bird Talisman, to wit: "Why does the Porridge Bird lay its egg in the air?"

(You don't have to come up with the answer to this question - just tell me the name of the Firesign recording in which it is referenced, and how the question came into being in the first place).

Send your answer via email within the next 24 hrs - if it is correct, I'll be glad to help you out with your problem. Hint: anyone with a reasonable command of web search facilities should be able to come up with this answer.

-Doc T.

-----------

Subj: Re: Firesign and Recent European Philosophy
Date: 12/11/00 4:54:14 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: KNULPREK@aol.com
To: firesign@bluemarble.net

Doc T.,

I appreciate your speedy response, and i also appreciate that you have no interest in writing my paper for me. I don't recall asking you to do so, but it's a lovely sentiment!

In any case, i'll clarify my situation further, and then i'll get around to answering your question.. one which i had never heard before but was rather amused by when i discovered the answer (or lack thereof). I'm going to write a paper on Luce Irigaray's essay, "This sex which is not one," and try in whatever fashion i can muster to then create a likely dialog (although, not in dialog form) between her and Foucault. I must say, i'm not looking forward to this paper.

However, since the Firesign discussion in class, i've decided to somehow cram a few references into the paper -- really, anything that mentions women will do, so i'm doing some preliminary scanning of the Firesign material i'm finding on the web. I'll be doing this because my professor has a good sense of humor, because i fancy to think that i have a rather good rapport with him, because it will break up the monotony of this paper, and because i'm kissing his ass for a good grade.

All i ask of you is to e-mail him and say that i should get a good grade, which i doubt will have any bearing on my actual grade anyway. But, we're in uncharted territory here, and it's this kind of risk-taking that created things like styrofoam. Your efforts in my behalf will be not nearly as harmful to the environment as styrofoam -- i can assure you of that.

So, as for the information you want to know: the Porrige Bird Talisman is on the recording "I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus." The question comes from a Texan woman named Angel that Phil Proctor dated back in the 60's, and she claims that a leprechaun visited her one day, posed the question, and then ran away laughing. While there appears to be no concrete answer to this scholarly inquiry, Phil has written that he feels it references "ecological challenge that faces the planet; to wit, the steady loss of trees in which many birds are wont to nest."

So, if this answer is satisfactory to you, please drop me a line and i'll give you his e-mail address. This should be interesting. I'll get working on the paper now.

Thanks!

take care..

-jason.

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Subj: Re: Firesign and Recent European Philosophy
Date: 12/11/00 9:40:20 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: firesign@bluemarble.net (Firesign Theatre)
To: KNULPREK@aol.com

You found the answer - very good! Send me his email address and I'll put in a good word for you. Also I'll see what Firesign fem refs I can dig up for you to drop into your paper.

-Doc T.

------------

Subj: Re: Firesign and Recent European Philosophy
Date: 12/11/00 11:19:11 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: KNULPREK@aol.com
To: firesign@bluemarble.net

Doc T.,

Brilliant, thanks! I'd like to make yet another request of you in regards to this letter.. please don't send it until friday (december 15th), because that's when the paper is due.. what my plan is now is to attach our whole conversation to the beginning of the paper, but i'd like him to get the paper and your e-mail simultaneously. so, if you could hold off until friday, that'd be perfect. as well, please carbon copy the e-mail to me, just so i can see what you wrote. :)

his e-mail address is govervold@clarku.edu, and his name is gary overvold.

i know this is probably somewhat irritating, but hey.. you're doing a good deed. a good word for me and a funny situation for an old fan of your show. a mitzvah, if you're jewish. hell, a mitzvah even if you're not jewish.

if you manage to dig up any feminist references, that'd be great. otherwise, i have a couple that i'm sure will do me well.

thank you so much. i am forever grateful to firesign and co.

take care..

-jason.

Now, Doc T. never did give me any feminist references.. however, he wrote my professor one of the most astounding letters in the history of electronic communication, even if he apparenly arbitrarily assumed my last name starts with a K. Here it is:

Subj: Jason K.'s Paper
Date: 12/15/00 6:16:21 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: firesign@bluemarble.net (Firesign Theatre)
To: govervold@clarku.edu
CC: KNULPREK@aol.com

Dear Mr. Overvold:

I have known Jason for as long as I can remember. Which, despite bouts of chronic hereditary amnesia, may extend prior to this morning. He has shown himself to be a fine, upstanding student - why, just ask him to stand up and he responds just like any good citizen of this fair country. His precocious imagination and willingness to stick his neck out the window of a fast moving train for a good clause depresses me almost as much as a prom rose in a musty yearbook. Flat as a pancake. Or the thin, thin 16mm shell encasing my admittedly fragile psyche.

Therefore it is with upmost gravitude that I must descend to the depths of good taste and decorum to petition your not inconsiderable intellect and sense of fair play to be kind to the lad and show him some mercy. He has worked hard all his life to avoid the kind of responsibility you and I take for granted, and deserves some consideration for his efforts. I remember back in my youth (which, again due to the aforementioned bouts of chronic amnesia may only extend back to last Tuesday) I was in a situation much like his - restless, unable to concentrate, indifferent to the vicissitudes of popular culture and unable to appreciate the difference between an indirect compliment and an obscure reference to his inability to appreciate the difference between - damn, there's that chronic amnesia again. I think. I can't remember for sure. What were we talking about?

Oh yes. Jason is a fine lad I met in the war back in '43, an itinerant student with a strong desire to make the world a better place for him to exploit. His protean knowledge and formidable skills with a Playstation controller make him an excellent candidate for the propagation of that singular state of mind we call chronic amnesia, which can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of mental hygiene and regular psychiatric care.

He sees the value in this, and so should you. That's why I'm petitioning you at this crucial juncture in Armenian history to give him the benefit of your doubts, look the other way and give Jason the passing grade he so richly reserves. I implode you from the bottom of my heart, show him you know the stuff he is made of. Acknowledge his willingness to walk on the ledge of life, not knowing where to turn next. Help him to make his way through the byzantine social structures we've constructed to trip him up every step of the way, and let him ace his paper.

As we like to say here at the orifice: the Czech is in the mail.

Sincerely,

Dr. Andrea Beanbag
Possessor Emeritus
Solid State University

To which my professor, with lightening speed, responded in ways i don't even understand:

Subj: Re: Jason K.'s Paper
Date: 12/15/00 9:37:23 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: govervold@clarku.edu
To: firesign@bluemarble.net (Firesign Theatre)
CC: KNULPREK@aol.com

I certainly want you to know, but not to dwell on it which you can't anyway [and you will see many dependent clauses (inserted eliptically) within varied bracketed expressions[]], all designed to see if you, postmodernally speaking, and drawing on the notion that all knowdedge is a product of synthesis and mediation which means [of course] that if you run into a rambling seemingly free association of random bits dealing with material {on a good day} which may range from rat traps to old howard's wizzen organ (and the only proper use such a wrinkled atrocity could be put to/too--[check Party Sausage entry in the Burnt Every Bridge cookbook and cardgame manual], all this, and more to follow at some measurable time, sped forward by the groinal insistencies and boredome of the down time on the way to up time, [did i say boredome..... well, so top that!!], we shall all meet at the riverside and jordan commeth over with ith cuppeth, thus when you meet George Tirebiter and his son, the destructive GEorgie Porgie, be sure to remind them that one day, Kierkegaard's Indirect Discourse will also mean something but only to The Son [as k. tells us in his parable of the poppies {and mummies, which brings me to the point}]

my dear deceased mummy always said; you can always tell a book by its cover, and if the cover is ripped off, you can tell a boy by his friends. You can be sure that weisenheimer is applied to Jason K [son of Kafka's Joseph K.] in that he has been seen and heard from in YOUR company. [remember, if the sentence runneth over, beyond your amnesia, that might be what happened...........]

And that's the story thus far. My grade should be interesting.

2. In lieu of last week's religion theme, Roberto Scalese has a joke:

Q: What does the pope smell like?
A: Pope-pourri

3. I just can't come up with a good explanation for this message board. It's teenage girls.. i understand that. They smoke. I understand that, even though i'm sure they all smell terrible because of it. However, why they want to sit around on a message board and discuss what cigarettes they like and how sexy it is to blow smoke out your nose -- well, that's where i'm lost. If you ever need an example of a bunch of people with the desperate need to reinforce how cool they are for doing something, here it is. Teen girls smoking!

Feature #64:

It's Christmas, isn't it. Merry Christmas, if that's your thing. Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else has been squeezed into the end of the year. You know what i've discovered this holiday season? People seem to think that Santa Claus, Christmas trees and other OBVIOUSLLY Christian symbols are generic. Someone gave my mom a little Santa doll and said, "I don't know what religion you are, but i thought Santa worked for everyone."

It doesn't! Someone must understand that. Is it just me? How could Santa possibly NOT be Christian? He delivers presents on CHRISTMAS! It's all very clear.

Other things that are Christian: Reindeer, Santa hats, Christmas carols, Christmas lights, little elves, the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," the movie and book and cartoon "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," Ebineezer Scrooge, saying "Merry Christmas" to someone, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, so on and so forth.

Just keep this in mind. Some people get offended when, say, Hanukkah is excluded from holiday decorations or greetings. Me, i don't care. I'm just surprised people don't make the distinction.

Anyway, that's all for my opening rant. Here's the feature:

1. Henrys getting mad in Australia
2. My article on Dreamspan.com
3. Why i hate malls: a diatribe
4. Some final words on Christmas

1. Here's some fun news from Australia. I don't remember where i got this from, but i assure you it's real. Not only is the situation funny, but one of the guy's last name is "Pantie.":

In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.

"It was a lie." explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.

The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.

2. I've been writing for a webpage called Dreamspan.com for some time, and they just finally got around to posting the section that would include my stuff. So far, this seems to be the only one they've actually put up of mine: Anti-socialism, like charity, begins at home.

3. I don't go to malls very often, mainly because i hate being a part of such a central hub of bastardized capitalism (eg: thin cotton t-shirt from Abercrombie for $50), and i'm somewhat disgusted that everyone has something to sell. I'm the kind of guy that is pretty happy about the economy slowing down, and i get a good kick out of hearing that some large company (most recently, Pets.com) went out of business. That's just me. Call me strange. (if you agree with me, though, you might want to check out Adbusters Magazine)

But, i had to go to the mall with my sister yesterday, and i found a whole new thing to dislike about malls: People whose sole jobs are to interact with customers, usually to sell them more things.

This is awful. I stood in a line at Bath & BodyWorks to get some smelly jelly thing for my mom, and this girl -- her job is actually called the "Line Jester" -- is standing in the front of the line and commenting on what everyone is purchasing. Then, with no tact whatsoever, she informs them of some magical deal that would require them buying four more of exactly what they're purchasing. When i got up to her, our conversation went like this:

Her: "So, just getting that one item, huh?"
Me: "Yup."
Her: "You know, we have a sale on those, if you just buy three more..."
Me: "No, that's ok."
Her: "Are you sure? You could save ten dollars if you just bought three more."
Me: "Nope, i'm just a one-item customer."
Her: "Alright, that's fine..." (long pause) "That's just fine."

This really made me want to leave the store. It made me want to take that stupid smelly jelly thing i was buying, open it up, and shove the smelly jelly contents of it up this girl's stupid nostrils. But, instead, i just held my ground, bought it, and walked into Express to find my sister.

After about 20 seconds, i couldn't find her and could no longer tolerate being in Express, so i left. As i was walking out the door, some chipper Express employee said, "Bye bye now, Merry Christmas!"

Then, i was outside with no sister, and i couldn't walk back into Express because i'd have to pass that girl again and she'd have to greet me. I don't want to be greeted. I was just given a farewell! I want to walk in and out of a store and not be so obviouslly watched. She's supposed to be a "Greeter," but she's really guarding the door. I felt so stupid walking back into that store that i stood outside for about five minutes until my sister finally made her appearance. What if i wanted to buy something? I wouldn't have, because i was scared by the chipper girl.

Now, my girlfriend told me that the job of the "Greeter" is actually to make sure that the stuff at the front of the store doesn't get stolen, and that Victoria's Secret doesn't have a "Greeter" and gets an incredible amount of stuff stolen because of it. Still, i don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Then, my sister and i went to return something at Old Navy that she bought about an hour earlier, and we were, of course, greeted at the door. I asked where we could return something, and the Old Navy employee said, "Are you sure you don't want to look around first?"

You'd think it was obvious to this girl that we HAVE looked around, considering we've made a purchase. Why would we want to look around if we're coming back to get rid of something we picked up WHILE looking around? This was really starting to get to me.

"No, that's ok," I said. "Where's the return desk?"

"Are you sure?" she said. "We have lots of cool stuff here!" On the "stuff," she gives me a fake punch on the arm. Now, i've definitely had enough.

"Well," I said. "We BOUGHT (fake punch) a lot of cool stuff, and now we're going to RETURN (fake punch) a lot of cool stuff."

Curtly, she pointed me in the direction of the return desk and skittered away. It was then that i realized i was an asshole, but you know what? If me being an asshole makes her think twice before trying to sell someone else something else, then that's great. I win.

Because, really, i've already walked into the store. What more could Old Navy ask for? I'm already there! I'm not there to smell clothing. I'm not there to listen to their irritating, repeating soundtrack of updated Christmas tunes. I'm there to make some kind of purchase -- in this case, they were buying it back from me. But, i'm there! I'm already there. There's no need to sell me something once i'm already in your store.

But nobody seems to understand this. I hate malls.

4. Some final comments on Christmas, vis-a-vis a conversation between myself and Mike:

cisco127: christmas.

KNULPREK: so it is.

cisco127: jesus was a pretty stupid baby

KNULPREK: god was a pretty stupid father.

cisco127: god was a drunk

cisco127: sleepin' around

cisco127: i guess mary was pretty slutty also

cisco127: cause god probably came to her as a swan or a lamp or something

cisco127: that was the suave thing to do back then

cisco127: if you were a god

KNULPREK: and she just opened wide up

cisco127: yeah

cisco127: seriously

KNULPREK: but here we are. lots of screwing around 2000 years ago, and now we have to endure christmas songs everywhere.

cisco127: everybody loves christmas.

Feature #65:

Sorry this feature is so short.. i just got off a plane that was delayed more than two hours, and i'm quite tired but a brooding feeling of responsibility is forcing me to update the page tonight. I hope everyone had a happy new year's eve.. i spent it at a friend's house with a bunch of folks, and then later a friend and i went outside and performed a number of wrestling moves that all ended with me being violently slammed into the snow. It was quite a good time, i must say.

So, here we go:

1. Woman of your dreams?
2. More of my articles on Dreamspan.com
3. Strange things are going on in Ireland

1. First, this:

How would you like to wake up next to this fine lady?

2. Dreamspan.com has posted a few more of my articles, in case anyone cares to read them.

The Graduated Gap

Put this Truth in Your Pipe and Smoke It

No Oprah, No White House

3. I've had this little article hanging on my wall for years, and i can't remember if i've ever posted it on the site. So, i'm going to do that now:

A seance in Ireland turned into a comedy skit when i psychic reached the wrong spirit by mistake. Sara Burns, the well-done medium, reported client Yvonne McClelland was trying to reach Matilda, her dear departed sister who had been a Catholic nun.

When the anxious loved one asked the spirits to speak with Matilda the nun, they were shocked to get Attila the Hun. Mr. Hun ransacked the house and threatened the elderly clients before fading back to oblivion. Next time, the psychic should try to call person-to-person collect.

There are just so many things strange with that scenario. For one, why would Attila, after all these years of being dead, still want to go around breaking things? Secondly, considering he probably doesn't get summoned very often, why didn't he sit down and say something like, "wait, where am i and why am i here?" As well, I don't know what his last name was, but it surely wasn't "the Hun." Therefore, for this to have occured, it seems that he still would have to be going by that name in the afterworld -- furthermore meaning that this guy hasn't dropped this whole viking mentality in all the times he's been dead. Boy, talk about holding on too long.

Feature #66:

So, the contest is over. Thanks for all who entered, you all did a fine job of amusing and confusing my girlfriend. She has chosen a winner.. well, actually, she chose two winners. The "Grand honorable winner" goes to Rob Carney, and the "Prize award" goes to Adam Plaggue. The reason Rob isn't getting the CD is because he's a friend of mine, and already has one. Why he entered is a mystery that shall plague science for eons to come. However, he wrote a damn funny e-mail, and my girlfriend wanted him to be the winner who unfortunately gets no prize.

Anyhow, the winning e-mails will be shared. Here's this week's feature:

1. Blues-Clues Beating
2. Search engine results for my page
3. Gus and gus live happily ever after
4. My dog does something bad
5. "Grand honorable winner" contest e-mail entry
6. "Prize award" contest e-mail entry

1.(picture went down. sorry!)

Not only is this amusing because i don't think i've ever cared to see Steve from Blues Clues move like that, but just imagine if someone's head was in his left arm.. he'd be giving them the Blues Clues Beating of a lifetime. And look, he's loving it! If i had any ability to play with these animations, i'd add someone's head in there in a flash. If anyone knows how to do that, please choose someone's head and do it. I don't care whose. Anyone's. I'll gladly post it up here.

2. I wish i kept a running tally of this stuff, but i don't. However, i have a fun tracking device that enables me to see, amongst other useless items, what people search on search engines to find my page. Here's a list of the most recent amusing ones:

3. I don't know who Gus is, and i don't know who the other Gus is. I'd post this picture, but it really just isn't as funny without this guy's caption. So, just go check him out: Gus

4. i walked my dog emy this morning..

usually, i take her for a stroll around the neighborhood, because she could use the exercise and it helps her to poop faster. usually, we take a nice walk, round a cul-de-sac, come back, and then she lets the cannons loose on the lawn. it's quite a good system.

so, we were strolling around the neighborhood, and we were at the cul-de-sac (which, i might add, contains the most expensive houses on the block) and these people start backing their car out of the driveway of the house we were in front of. i stand there, smiling at them with one of those "i don't know you, but hi" smiles and then, at that exact moment, emy decides it would be appropriate to take a shit in the street. she's never done this before. never. it's always been on the grass. but here we are, in front of these people's house, they're driving out of it, and she's liberating her bowels.

so, i quickly stood over her hoping the people wouldn't notice, and they, thankfully, just drove away. end of story.

5. Here's Lisa's choice for the winning e-mail, from our friend Rob Carney. What's of worth to note about this e-mail, besides that it's pretty funny, is that he managed to encorperate her name into the ENTIRE e-mail. Brilliant. This man is brilliant.

Date: Fri, 5 Jan 2001 11:25:14 -0500
To: Leezel32@hotmail.com
From: rcarney@clarku.edu
Subject: Send a Weird Email Contest

Lisa,

I saw a laughingly innocent sign about "Living in South America" locked in someone's apartment. Loving its simple, asymmetrical locution, I stopped and listlessly imagined saying "All life is surprisingly ardent." Look, I suppose any little idea sounds atrocious... like it simplifies "all life" in such a laconic instant... such a loosely insignificant-

Sorry. Anyway. Listen, I sent a letter in September, Andy lost it sometime and left it sitting at last in some alley. Lisa, it said... "A large island sits alone... little islands sit apart like islands should."

Andy likes its suggestion.

Always,

Lauren
Isaac
Sam
Andy

6. And now, here's the man for everyone to be jealous of. He got the CD. His name is Adam Plaggue (i think), and he wrote what must have been the longest e-mail Lisa has ever had the (mis)fortune of finding in her mailbox. It's so long that i haven't even read it, and Lisa awarded it the prize because, well, this must have taken some work or, at least, some time. Anyhow, here it is.. the epic that is the prize-winning e-mail:

From: AJPlagge@aol.com
To: leezel32@hotmail.com
Sent: Thursday, January 04, 2001 5:33 PM
Subject: (no subject)

Guten tag Liza, I'm sorry to report this too you i Know how much you dont like bad news, but I feel i have no choice in the matter because, well, simply have no choice in the matter its somthing that simply must be done And can not be with held from you. Thats just how important it is, but here i am rambling and not telling you what needs to be heard, but alas Before I tell you this i must tell you the story of my friends and i's adventure

Well We being High school students of our high school which just happen to be called the Go-hawks, which is a weird oddity because our College team is also called the Iowa hawkies, so when we cheer we are forced to yell things such as Go GO Hawks GO, which as you can imagine is odd as you can imagine, we do try to make up for our weird name by making fun of others such as our oppents the Owien huskies, we would go What do we eat Huskie meat, what do we drink O wine, O wine, but it just doesnt cut it somtimes.

Anyway My friend and i decided to attend one of our away football games, and somtime during the game we decided that their helmets where cooler then ares and wanted one, well not true actually we walked into their building saw a whole bunch of there helmets and decided to take one, i just cant lie to you, but anyway 1 of us posted guard while the other one picked one up and sneakly ran away. We then decided we had been seen and proptly dumped the helmet in the near by shurberys. Later after the game we walked over too the shrubs and put it into our van, thats when we realized that picking up the first helmet we saw was stupid muy stupid, because it had a mouth piece in it and wasnt just one being stored. well we got back to our town and decided that we better not let our parents see it so we throw it into the ditch feeling rather retarted,

The next day, both me and my friend were feeling a bit guilty and decided we had to make the 2 hour trip back to their town to throw it onto their field and run away, so off we went to drop off the helmet and grab a bite to eat, This was at 8:00 Am we stopped at our nearby hardies to grab a breakfast but goddamnit the hardies people hired a retard adn seriously the couldnt seem to give me what i ordered so we left with only a meeger amount of food in our bellies, when we got to the school that we had now borrowed the helmet from there was an old man running on there track so we decided to wait until he left and went to grab some food, well again no food too be found but there were some great garage sales were i picked up a cool set of hands and my friend got a velvet picture of some random guy,

Well we went back to the field and now there were more people we were bored and hungry so my friend walked up to the old man and told him we foudn this helmet in the ditch (seriously) then we headed off north east to find food, Northeast in signifagent because we live in waverly which is south west from were we were at, but that didnt concern us we wanted a real restruant and vowed not to stop until we found one are city has 3 fast food burger joints 2 sub places 2 taco places 2 pizza places 1 german restraunt that cost mucho dinero and then 2 really bad country kicten things that are really bad all these are chains might i add, we hate chains,

So off we went 2 hours later we had visited 20 garage sales, 2 gas stations were we got a pop and lotto tickets stupid gas station attendents we where only 16, and 4 places that where bars/pizza joints but were all closed, its now about 3:00 we have! nt really eaten anything all day and are getting desperate, we drive into a citie called farmersville, main street nonexcistent another citie were all we could find were Jewish russians that were dressed really odd, that was the weirest part of the journey, its now about 5 we are starving next town we stop at libary look through phone book for a restraunt

YES theres a pizza joint, we walk in sit down and the guy tells us we dont have any dough right now sorry, you should try the train station (a restraunt) so off we go 1 look at the "train station" and off again, we are now only 30 miles to the border of wisconson, we figure there most be food and maybe firecrackers there, we reach the mississippi coolness a massive flea market, we check it out buy a journey & Aerosmith (before they sucked) greatest hits its 6:00 we neeed foood despartly, we cross river into a big town there must be food theres n! ot nothing but a value mart (form of H-V) we give up we are so hungry, so we stop at the bank no atm we stop at another bank atm inside, curses, last bank we see arounf stop atm out of fuckin order,

I have 5 dollars friend has 1 we go to value mart, theres a atm right inside, get cash go to the deli get there cold chicken donuts mashed potatoes milk chips and other assorted edible things and realize we are like 4 hours from home shit i'm tired of driving but drive home anyway thinking that we could turn our trip into a cool story and should do this again somtime finally after about falling asleep 10 times we get back to waverly and anyone who asks we tell we sold the helmet on ebay, save face, and we started the story the next day but it got deleted so we gave up and this is really stupid cause this all happened many years ago and cant remeber half of the story anymore but his is all of topic the bad news i had to te! ll you is that even if every chinese person jumped at the same time we would still be off 500 tons of force to throw the earth off its orbit, so there is no way to dodge the meteor, sorry, i tried

Adam

Feature #67:

Here we are. It's January, it's snowing, my stomach seems to be responding to either the pizza i ate an hour ago or the massive amount of apple juice i chased it down with. Either way, there is something of a squishy symphony going on in my small intestine, and i'm sure that's way more information than anybody really needed.

In case this is keeping people up at night, i got a B+ in the class that i wrote the Firesign Theatre for a contribution to my final paper. (this is from a few features ago) I don't know what i got on the actual paper, but it couldn't have been that bad.

Seems time to just move on to the feature.

1. Just in time for the inaguration
2. This guy is super!
3. A classy man and his butt
4. What is hell?

1.

Last week, i asked if anybody had the talent to put a head in Steve from Blues Clues's hand, and sure enough a brilliant man named Rob Carney put our new (cough, cough) "president" in there for the Blues Clues Beating of a lifetime. However, if history plans on continuing one of those weird statistical things that only baseball analysts manage to contrive, then George is going to have a lot more to worry about than the clenched fist of Steve. Take a look at the evidence:

Here is a list of all the presidents that were elected in a year ending with a zero, and their strange affliction:

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt. He's now senile and has a broken hip.)

So there you go. George may not have much time to screw the country up. Hop to, buddy!

2. There isn't much to this page, but what's there is quite a gem: Super Dave!

3. Here's a classy guy! Although, i can't really blame him. Photocopying your butt is a pretty funny idea. My my high school senior-year prank, i wanted to make photocopies of everyone's butts and then put them together to form a sign that said "ASS of '98," but a school nearby got word and stole the idea. Bunch of savages. Anyway, now that i'm not in high school, i encourage anyone to steal this idea. Anyhow, onto the classy guy, who i found out about through USA Today:

Man makes 3 photocopies of his buttocks

CLAYTON, Mo. — Police arrested a man who allegedly dropped his pants in the crowded lobby of the St. Louis County Courthouse and made photocopies of his buttocks. Police found Daniel Everett holding two copies he had already made. He was making a third. ''What did I do? What did I do?'' witnesses said Everett asked police. Everett, an immature 38, told police that the copies were intended as a practical joke for his girlfriend.

4. The folks sitting around on America Online aren't always the brightest or most clever, but if you talk to enough of them, you can make a somewhat amusing survey out of it. I decided to ask people to complete the sentence, "Hell is _____." Here were their answers:

Hell is...
people you don't know im'ing you
hot
hot, scary, unbearable, evil
getting dumped within a week of being told you're failing at school, after getting your stereo stolen
the opposite of heaven
ugly and dumb
a place created by society so that they can force most of the population to be "good" so they will not end up there when they die.....or it could also be defined as being in history class forever...either or
and finally...
KNULPREK: Complete the sentence: "Hell is _____."
Scott1388: gonna be a great place now that everyone is going there.
KNULPREK: everyone is?
Scott1388: just use the quote
Scott1388: dont question it
KNULPREK: ok.
Scott1388: bye.

Feature #68:

Today, i finished a box of mini veggie corn dogs. They were quite good. I also finished a container of apple juice, which means i need to get over to the supermarket soon. Can you tell i have nothing to say in this introduction? On to the feature.

1. A comic worse than my usual ones
2. Never read "The Big Cut"
3. Big Things in Australia

1. I entered a contest on diddly.com, not really because i wanted the prize but because i was bored and this seemed like a fun thing to waste my time on. The rules are simply to make something in MS-paint that wishes some dude named Dave a happy birthday. This is what i came up with.

2. I had to read a book called "The Big Cut" which really, really sucked the big cut. It was bad. I mean, real bad. Bad like if this book was a grilled cheese sandwich, it would be moldy and stale, hard from sitting out all day while people stepped on it and, maybe, someone might have used it to wipe their ass. That's what i think of this book. Let me reproduce, word for word, some dialog (if you can call it that) from page 47:

"Feeling all right, Johnny?"
"I'm fine."
"I... I just have to sleep with you, I mean speak with you."
"If you're locked out of your apartment, I have a king-size water bed," I joked.
The client-fucktress laughed uncontrollably. "I'm sorry. I just, I just mispronounce things occasionally."
"So did Freud."

Does he have any flair for dialog? No. Any understanding of subtlety? None whatsoever.

Then, the author came to my class to conduct a three-hour question-and-answer session. He name dropped his famous friends, casually told us about his five-story house in New York (although, he spared us the details of his house in LA), and was a general pompus ass for 1/8th of my day. But, beyond this, the saddest thing happened: before class, a group of us were talking about how piss-poor his novel was and then, as soon as we get in there, the whole class starts kissing his ass. The lesson to be learned here is that it doesn't matter how well you write, but simply that you're successful. Apparently, that's all people are impressed with.

I should have asked him what the hell a client-fucktress is.

3. I've never been to Australia, although i'd really love to. Among my many reasons for wanting to go there is to see the Big Things, which are scattered across the country. Since the majority of the land is barren desert with long, endless roads, people decided to erect very large replicas of anything -- pineapples, lobsters, windmills -- and stick them on the side of the road. It breaks up the monotony of the drive, and draws in a few tourism dollars. Sounds brilliant to me, especially when you see these pictures. These things really are BIG.. especially the pineapple. BIG THINGS!

Feature # 69:

I'll tell you what doesn't feel good: getting elbowed in the neck. That happened while playing basketball this evening, in a game we lost somewhat massivly. But hey, it's all fun and games, even when you do get whacked in the neck. I'll be ok. Really.

I'm sure that getting elbowed anywhere doesn't feel good. Getting elbowed in the foot would probably be very funny to watch, but not so great to feel. An elbow to the ear would probably be pretty awful, and an elbow to an elbow would make an awful cracking sound. Yech. No more talk about this.

1. If only i knew what was going on
2. Just punishment for cell phone user
3. The greatest goat of all
4. High school matchmaker = dumb.

1. For the simple reason that i don't understand how that man's tounge extends so long, why he wants to stick it in that woman's ear, nor why her eyes suddenly light up with two pinpoints of white, i have put this picture up here for your contemplative pleasure.

2. I hate cell phones. They go off in movie theaters, they go off in class, they just go off everywhere. What i hate most about them is that it prioritizes ANYBODY besides the person who is physically near the person who is being called. If a person gets called, they take it. You could be sitting at dinner with someone and, if they get a call on the cell phone, they'll end up talking to the caller simply because they called, instead of taking advantage of being in a close physical proximity with you. Microchips are driving us apart, make no mistake about it.

But anyway, on to this. Some dude apparently decided that he was important enough to use a cell phone on a plane (another despisable place to see these things), and he got punished.. it's a bit rash, but it'll teach him a lesson. And yes, this is a real news story.

Passenger flogged for using cellphone on Saudi flight
By Associated Press

Feb. 3, 2001 | A Saudi court sentenced an army captain Saturday to 70 lashes for using a mobile phone on a domestic flight, court officials said.

The court said the man put passengers and himself at risk by using his phone during takeoff despite orders from members of the crew that he turn it off. The flight was delayed 30 minutes as a result, and airport security eventually escorted the man off plane, Al-Eqtisadiyah newspaper reported.

It was the kingdom's first such sentence against users of mobile phones on airplanes, the court officials said on condition of anonymity.

Saudi Arabia follows a strict interpretation of Islamic law, and courts routinely order lashings and hand amputations for theft and other crimes, and public execution for murder, rape and drug trafficking. Human rights organizations have criticized those penalties, saying defendants do not receive fair trials and often do not have access to lawyers.

The court did not release the cell phone user's name, saying only that he was a captain of the Saudi Arabian army.

3. I'm a bit disappointed by this page because it doesn't do as much justice to its subject matter as i think it deserves. This is a page about a goat. Not just any goat, mind you. A beer-drinking goat that is the mayor of a small town in Texas. Yes, you heard me correct. He's a goat, he drinks beer, and he's the mayor. Not a pseudo-mayor. The actual, real, head-of-the-local-government mayor of Lajitas, Texas. The page doesn't really discuss the whole mayor situation much, since it's more impressed by the beer drinking. Either way, this thing is a hoot. BEER DRINKING MAYOR GOAT!

4. This never happened in my high school, but i was recently advised by two people on seperate occasions that a company came into their school years ago, had everyone fill out little forms about themselves, and then gave everyone a list with the top ten classmates they were most compatible with. This sounds, for lack of a better description, like the dumbest service since the guy who washes your hands for you in fancy bathrooms.

However, it got me thinking. Does this actually work? I imagine it wouldn't. In fact, i'm convinced it doesn't. But, does anybody actually date the top person on their list? The two people i talked to didn't. In fact, they both already knew most of the people on their list, and didn't even think twice about it. Someone out there MUST have decided to date all 10 people on that list. It must have happened somewhere. All i'm asking is... how awkward were those dates? I'm assuming the forms were all things like "What's your favorite color" and "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream,"  which aren't exactly defining characteristics. Conversations on this date must be:

"So, you like green, huh?"
"Yup, you too?"
"Uh-huh."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"And what about mint chocolate-chip ice cream?"
"Yeah, i like that."
"Me too."
"It's green.
"That's my favorite color."
"I know. Mine too."
"Neat."
"Umm.. how about making farm animal sounds while having wild sex on the beach?"
"Nope. I'm a mile-high clubber."
"Oh. That wasn't a question on the survey, was it?"
"Nope."
"But, you still like green, right?"

Anyway, what i'm getting at is that i doubt these dates are anywhere near successful, so the whole service seems pointless. What is the intention? I don't get it. If anyone has taken this thing and has a story to relate, please e-mail me. I'd love to hear this crap.

There are more features to be had.

Features I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI

Or, we can always go back.