Photo ©1993 roadsideamerica.com. All rights reserved.
Features VII: what a classy roman numberal.
Feature #70:
Wow. I really slacked this past week. Sorry about that. My first issue as editor-in-chief of WheatBread was wrapping up, and i really didn't have time to do much but work on it. But, now i have plenty of time for the rest of my life -- a catagory that this page falls into.
And with that, it's time for the feature.
1. That is a big cow.
Photo ©1993
roadsideamerica.com. All rights
reserved.
1. That big cow is named Salem Sue, and stands fifty feet tall in the middle of Salem, ND. And yes, it's completely real. If i'm ever in the general North Dakota area, i'm making a pilgramage to see this cow because, hot damn, that's a big cow.
2. I had briefly mentioned my confusion in regards to a service that surfaces in scattered high schools around the country, in which they have people fill out little surveys and then match these students up with other students according to "compatibility." It sounds very silly and, as these two readers' letters indicate, it's not all fun and games.
From: flythefskies@usa.net (Moni'ca)
I came to your website today to read the new feature (which I've only been
waiting 3 days for, ya' commie) and I came to the part about highschools
and dating. If you were suprised to see this in highschool, you'll be mildly
interested in the fact that my middle school did it when I attended about
three years ago. And there's a funny story about it that I'm sure you'd love
to hear:
She was a friend of a friend and he was some guy. They met over this romance
test scantron thing and were friends for awhile. Only noone knew he was doing
her until she came up *gasp!* pregnant by him only 7 mos. later. (They never
started "dating" per say, and she'd just become a freshman in high school.)
The funny part isn't that she got pregnant, but that on the survey, both
wrotethey "loved children." Yikes!
Though that'd be a bit interesting for you,
~Moni
And yes, she had the kid. I asked. I bet this would make for an interesting
lawsuit. At the very least, i hope the kid never learns how he/she was concieved.
What a complex that would create. Anyhow, next:
From: "Brandon Smith" <vegeta889@hotmail.com>
Hey
Just thought you might be interested in a story i have about those things
you fill out with your likes and dislikes. First of all the questions are
terribley stupid...i think one was like: Which of the following would you
consider yourself A: A meat and potatos kind of person B:Bread all the way
C:candy candy and more candy or D:no food at all Now those are crappy questions.
Though the most fun we had with it was when one of my friends filled one
out (i guess he had an extra buck to blow, yes its costs money) while he
wasn't looking we switched his gender from male to female. Now the test people
must no even look at these cause his name was Zach...not a gender nuetral
name by any means. Anyways when it came back he got to see all the guys that
he was most compatable with. I took it either last year or the year before,
and it just caused trouble when the most "compatible" person from our school
turned out to be my girlfriend's best friend...anyways, just thought you
might want to know.
One other thing, the company puts out these stupid messages into the school
announcements that the teachers HAVE to read word for word. And it was something
about how we should all "be on the look out, cupid is on the loose!! Fill
out our dumbass things and give us your money" i'm not sure if thats word
for word but its close enough. It did make me nervous...a midget with wings
and a bow and arrow is dangerous! Me and my friend figured he was hideing
in the walls...they never found that damn cupid either....thanks bye
brandon
3. Here is something truly amazing:
"Guess the sit-com character/evil
dictator." As the title suggests, here's the game: you think of a sit-com
character or evil dictator, and then the program will ask you a series of
yes/no questions, after which it will guess who you're thinking of. And may
i say, it gets it right every time. I mean, EVERY TIME. Unbelivable.
4. In Florida, we have ants everywhere. If you put down an item
of food, it gets covered in ants so strong that, if you give them a few minutes,
they could probably carry half your pantry out the door with relative ease.
Although, i will say this: at least they're not like the ants in israel,
which have legs as long as spiders', but the body of an ant. It is an awful
sight, especially when you're sleeping on the floor in the middle of the
desert and they're crawling around you. Let's just leave it at
that.
So, the absence of constant ants in massachusetts
-- where i go to school -- was just one of the strange culture-change confusions
i've encountered. In fact, up until last night, i hadn't even SEEN an ant
up here.. well, that i can presently remember, at least. But, down at the
WheatBread office, i accidentally dropped a fry and, low and behold, it spawned
a colony of ants within a few hours.
While i stood over these ants, i assessed my options: 1) stomp on them, 2)
let them go outside. Being that i wanted to be a nice guy, i opted for option
2. So, i scooped the fry and all the ants up into a nearby paper cup, ran
outside, and tossed them to their freedom...
...until they hit the snow and immediately shriveled up into tiny specs.
This really rather shocking. They weren't even recognizable as ants anymore.
They were tiny black dots. It was about this time that it hit me: i didn't
expect this because i'm not from up here. In florida, you throw ants outside
and they scatter. In massachusetts, you throw ants on the snow and they implode.
Who would have thunk?
I still have much to learn about seasons, i think.
Feature
#71:
I hate to be the party pooper, but i won't be able to update this page
until at least March 10th because i shall be off in the dangerous and often
confusing land of Orlando, Florida. So, please, ration yourself however you
must -- but there isn't even a hope of me updating this thing on time for
about a week and a half. I implore you to curtail all assination attempts
on me. I'll be back soon enough.
1. A very stupid game
1. There's this line in The Shawshank Redemption that goes something
along the lines of "Who looks at a man's shoes?" I know i don't -- i also
refuse to own more than one pair of shoes at a time, and my parents beg and
plead with me to get new ones on a yearly basis. But that's besides the
point.
So, instead of studying for a test i have tomorrow, i made up a little
game. Here are some famous people, and besides them are their shoes. Your
mission, if you choose to accept it, is to match up the faces with the shoes.
There's no prize, and no need to e-mail me if you win.. but, if you're really
low on praise and need a little "good job," drop me a line and i'll oblige.
The answers are at the bottom of this feature. Good luck.
2. This came to me via e-mail, but it's actually from the back cover
of a publication called IN THESE TIMES. In any case, it's a great little
knock at Nike, who is most likely the industry leader in sweatshops. Not
a single Nike shoe is made in America, and it's a safe estimate that about
$0.05 of the hundred dollars you pay for a Nike shoe actually goes to the
poor Vietnamese woman that made it. It's a real grim situation, and it doesn't
look to be getting better. Here, however, is jab that's signifigantly more
light-hearted but just as frustrating.
Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which
they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled
out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes. Here's
the responses he got... fun and games with Nike...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual
property
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please
visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
* * * * * * * *
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the
criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes was the word "sweatshop."
Sweatshop is not:
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children
that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.
Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti
* * * * * * * *
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains,
as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If
you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please
visit us again at nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
* * * * * * * *
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I
disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After
consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact
part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory
in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy
conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the
criteria detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose
and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal
expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it
yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal
iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers
poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom
of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti
* * * * * * * *
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web
site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours
after it has been submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While we
honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one.
Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional
sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to
use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply
do not want to place on our products. Unfortunately, at times this obliges
us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any
event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer
you the chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot accept
your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with
a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
* * * * * * * *
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided
to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small
request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese
girl who makes my shoes?
Thanks,
Jonah Peretti
* * * * * * * *
<no response>
3. Since i'm not going to be around for over a week, here's a few things
to amuse you:
I don't really understand what this is at all, but a reader named Adam sent
it to me with high praises. I took a look and, while it seemed interesting,
i just don't have the motivation or time it takes to do what it is that this
thing does.. which is something i won't even explain, because i'd probably
just get it wrong. So, check it out yourself, if you want:
Sodaplay
One time, i told this webpage why i was tired and never got a response. I
still don't know what the function of this page is:
tired.com
Want to know what your phone number spells?
Click here.
Sometimes searching around free website hosts like geocities is a lot of
fun -- not because of all the awful tributes to Metallica you'll find, but
because sometimes you find gems like
Derek "Big
Show" (which is worthwhile for his highly pathetic personal info on the
top left) and
Viral Command
(which is, to the best of my estimations, a group of middle schoolers
who play insignifigant pranks on people).
answers to shoe game: 1e, 2f, 3b, 4a, 5d, 6c
Feature
#72:
Ah, it's good to be back home. For those who have never taken a 30-hour
train ride, you must know what you're missing. I mean, it was fun for about
15 of those hours, but sleeping in coach is about as uncomfortable as drowning,
and the only good food on the train was a $2.75 tiny pizza that had 26 grams
of fat in it. Needless to say, we deemed it "the death pizza," and i ate
it anyway.
Don't worry, i had a great time on my spring break. Orlando can be quite
the eye-sore, especially with all the Disney and McDonalds around (Orlando
is the home of the world's largest McDonalds, by the way.. and honor i'm
sure they hold in the lowest regard). But, enough of me. Here's a
feature.
1. A very real news story
1. Now, any of these factors on their own would make for only a
slightly-amusing news story. But, together, they make an amazing situation
that you can trust the Associated Press will eagerly deliver with class and
accuracy. Next time they're holding the wrestling fest, someone's got to
invite me along.
Skydiver lands on beer vendor during coleslaw wrestling event
Wrestling aficionados may be used to ringside spectacles, but even the most
seasoned fans here were taken aback when a skydiver landed on a beer vendor
during the annual ladies coleslaw wrestling event.
Sherri Lee, 37, was carrying a tray of beer in a makeshift arena where women
wrestle in a pit of coleslaw, unaware that skydiver Clarence Swimm was
descending.
Swimm, 56, an independent professional parachutist hired by the Cabbage Patch
bar, inadvertently landed on top of Lee.
"I didn't even see her. It wasn't my fault," said Swimm, clearly shaken.
Lee was hospitalized in serious but stable condition following her escape
from the nosh-pit Wednesday.
She was one of several casualties during Bike Week, an annual celebration
of motorcycles and leather.
2. Here's what i think: art is obnoxious and poetry is haughty.
I think that if you're going to say something, you should say it simply and
clearly, because you then have a guarantee that your reader will understand
your meaning. For instance, let's say i wanted to explain why i would disapprove
of someone vomiting on my shoe. I could write a poem, such as:
"Of a life such as mine, so peaceful and calm
Or, i could write a sentence:
"I hate when people vomit on my shoes because it is smelly and, considering
i only own one pair of shoes, i'd like to keep them clean enough so that
they are pleasant to be around in confined conditions such as buildings."
And there you have it. If someone needs to write in style, they should keep
it to themselves. If they truly have something to say, they should just come
out and say it. Quick. Tidy. Interesting. You can make sentences interesting.
You don't need kennings and metaphors and cryptic language. You just need
to communicate.
And that's why i found much amusement with
www.badhaiku.com, because damnit..
EVERY haiku is a bad one, and this webpage knows it. My favorite thus far:
what you gonna do
Feature
#73:
And now, a feature.
1. Do you kazoo?
1. So, i don't know what's more unsettling: that this
guy is actually referred to as "the King
of Kazoos," that he travels around with an all-kid all-kazoo band (i'm serious
about this), or that he's not really standing in that pile of kazoos but,
instead, he just cut off half his body and stuck the top half in the middle
of a picture of kazoos. Take a look at the bottom of his torso.. it's just
floating there. When i get older, i hope it never comes to this. And is that
crown made out of kazoos?
2. I'm not making this up: Taco Bell, the company best known by
serving dog food wrapped in taco or tortilla shells, is up to something
rediclious. For those who aren't aware, the Russians are bringing down Mir,
and are essentially just going to drop it into the Pacific Ocean. To promote
themselves, Taco Bell has built a 40-by-40 foot bullseye that says "Free
Taco Here," and they're just floating it out off the east coast of Australia.
In the very very unlikely chance that the plummeting Mir actually hits this
target, Taco Bell will offer everyone in America a free taco.
Which i think means that they really want to kill everyone in America, but
that's just speculation.
Apparently a few years, Taco Bell announced on April Fools Day that they
were going to buy the Liberty Bell and name it after themselves. So, i guess
the moral is that the higher ups at Taco Bell may not be very concerned with
the well-being of their customers, but at least they have a sense of humor.
3. Some bad jokes:
Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Chaucer may be dead, but you canterbury his tales. (this works better when
spoken)
Knock Knock
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Ham and Eggs walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve
breakfast here."
A baby walks into a bar and hops up on the barstool. To the left of it is
a Rabbi, to the right of it is a big biker with a tattoo of a naked woman.
The baby looks around for a while and then says to the bartender, "I think
i'm in the wrong joke."
Q: Why didn't Ben Franklin invent the computer?
4. There's a site that encourages
you to take a picture with its little pirate beer can logo, and then send
it to them. In return, they'll stick you on their site and link your
webpage.. so, i couldn't help but do it. I'm the one with funky sunglasses
under "Campus Life." Oh yeah, self promotion!
Feature
#74:
Daylights saving time is dumb. Not only am i losing an hour of sleep,
but i feel guilty for being up so late right now when, in fact, it's not
nearly as late as it is. Well, it is actually this late, but it wasn't...
oh hell. On with the feature.
1. Be gone!
1. My girlfriend went to New York City for a few days and came back
with a roll of toilet paper she bought for 99 cents. But mind you,
this was no ordinary toilet paper: this was ShitBegone. No. I'm serious.
It's toilet paper. In fact, it's "Pillow Soft," "Double-Strong," and a roll
includes 420 sheets. Yes, 420 sheets. I can't imagine that this wasn't originally
a joke, but it's now a very real product. When she bought it, the lady at
the counter laughed and said in broken english, "Nobody ever buy!"
There's no way we're ever going to use this toilet paper. It's just too much
of a novelty. Some companies may want to convince you that their toilet paper
is so soft that little babies may safely and blissfully roll around in it,
but not ShitBegone. They want to make something that you wipe your ass with
after you take a shit, and i'd be damned if i didn't agree that it is just
that purpose that toilet paper serves.
So you can imagine my excitement when i noticed that they actually have a
webpage: www.shitbegone.com. But,
in what is probably typical ShitBegone fashion, the webpage is not anything
what i expected. In fact, all that's there is a group of pictures of ShitBegone
in stores, and then a few of their factory. I doubt i'll ever come up with
an explanation as to why that's all they care to share, but that just makes
it all the more fascinating. Whoever is behind ShitBegone is a genius,
i tell you. They are an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma
wrapped in ShitBegone.
2. My friend Kevin won the lotto: a boring conversation i just had
online
Loobah: i got 3 numbers
KNULPREK: does that win you anything?
Loobah: i think 5 bucks
KNULPREK: really? awesome.
Loobah: so i made 2 bucks - because i got 3 tickets
KNULPREK: hmm. well, you're still a weiner.
Loobah: it was 40 million so i might get more than 5 bucks becuase it was
so high
KNULPREK: 40 millions bucks buys a lot of llama farms
Loobah: does it ever
KNULPREK: oh, it does
Loobah: what are you up to?
KNULPREK: trying to update the webpage
Loobah: nice
KNULPREK: not coming up with very many ideas
Loobah: i didn't know that they started to draw numbers twice a week
KNULPREK: they did?
Loobah: on wed. and sat.
KNULPREK: that's stupid.
Loobah: and my numbers were drawn on wed. but i didn't know that and i waited
till today because i thought they were only drawn on saturdays
KNULPREK: well, you have a few months to redeem, i think. do you just bring
it to a gas station?
Loobah: yeah i think that's the catch
Loobah: i wish they came to your door
KNULPREK: that'd be real nice
Loobah: can i get my cash prize over 30 years?
Loobah: 5 buck over 30 years
KNULPREK: i'd hope so. i wouldn't want to see you blow this cash all at one
time
Loobah: it's something i want my kids to enjoy
KNULPREK: that's respectable
KNULPREK: i'm just going to post this conversation on the website because
it's 5am, i'm tired, and i want to update it tonight.
KNULPREK: boy, this is going to be a shitty feature
Loobah: sweet. i dig it. it's my 15 min. this lotto thing is paying off in
more ways than one
KNULPREK: anything you want to say to your adoring public?
Loobah: i saw two manatees today. you know, sea cows
KNULPREK: wow.
Feature
#75:
Now, a feature:
1. When i was about ten, my family drove through California on
vacation. It was a pretty fun trip, from what i can remember
of it. We saw lots of sites, saw a big tar pit, saw a really big tree, and
i stuck my toe into the Pacific Ocean, which is shockingly colder than the
Atlantic. We also drove on the Pacific Coast Highway, which was one of the
most frightening experiences of my young life. There you are, driving 65
miles per hour, and one little skid or inadvertant jerk of the wheel will
send you and your loved ones tumbling down a cliff into a fiery and metallic
death. I kept my hands firmly placed on the seat in front of me, my knuckles
and my face white with fear, for at least two hours. Or, so i remember.
The point of the story is this: at one point, my dad told me that there was
going to be a big surprise when we got to our next destination and, being
ten years old, i immediately assumed this could mean only one thing: we were
going to meet Hulk Hogan. I was a big Hogan fan. I mean, BIG. Sometimes at
night i would put my wrestling game into my Gameboy, put it on Hulk's music,
and fall asleep to it. Look, i was ten. Cut me some slack.
Hulk Hogan doesn't even live in California. He lives in Tampa, Florida. I
knew that at the time, so i don't have any idea why i assumed that
California was the place i was going to meet him... but, i did. So, when
my dad told me there was a surprise, it had to be Hogan. It had to be. No
question. If it wasn't Hogan, it was nothing. I'd settle for nothing less...
...which is exactly what i did when we pulled into the
Madonna Inn and my dad said "surprise!"
I looked around, saw that the surprise was a hotel, and... i... fuckin'...
flipped... out. Now, the Madonna Inn is a really neat place. Every room is
a different theme, and we stayed in the
Caveman room, where
the walls were fake rock and shower was a little cave where water just came
pouring out of a hole. It really was neat, but i was having none of it for
the first hour or so because, damnit, there was no Hulk Hogan. I cried. I
screamed. I must have said "This place sucks" a hundred times, and put on
a big frown when my dad tried to convince me that the Caveman room really
was very cool (it was).
Then, finally, i guess i settled down and appreciated the place, but it took
me at least a few years to reflect back and think that, boy, i was a brat.
And to think, Hulk Hogan was nothing more than a balding man with a lousy
legdrop. Ah well.
2. You shouldn't actually go here, but please just acknowledge that
irony that many people have a midlife crisis. Some buy cars, some get a nosering,
and some, like this guy, set up a webpage about the midlife crisis at
www.midlifecrisis.com. Don't expect
greatness or even something clever because, keep in mind, this guy is going
through a midlife crisis.
3. This next massage is really only good because of the quote towards
the end:
(from www.newsoftheweird.com)
Feature
#76:
Peeps are disgusting. Peeps, those little bunny-looking marshmello things.
They are disgusting. I just bought about 10 boxes of them to give away at
a little contest i'll be holding at school, and just looking at them made
me sick. I hope people want to win them, because i want very much to get
rid of them. And now that i've told you this, let's go to a feature.
1. Am i really famous enough for this?
1. Can you believe someone set up a fan site dedicated to me? I'm not
famous. I'm just some guy. I wake up, brush my teeth, eat a veggie-dog and
go about my daily business. I'm about as rock-n-roll as a tropical plant.
But hey, someone who i don't know (named Moni) actually did set up a site
about me, and it's somewhat flattering yet somewhat confusing. Either way,
for simple amusement, take a look:
Jason's
fansite
2. I get strange e-mails a lot, but usually people are trying very hard
to be strange. This e-mail, however, i think was just a product of the
author having little-to-no sleep,
which is something i can highly sypathize with. For that, i enjoyed this
one a lot:
its 1:20 i'm sitting here and u dont know me(just thought i would throw that
in), anyways, i really had nothing to do and i couldnt sleep at all, mustbe
somesortof insomia condition or something, anyways i read your site periodically,
and u linked my site...ya know the site about where we have no clue what
a communist is.....well we dont, we just thought it would be funny...i've
run into a problem, i've been banned from the mall for life, but, you see,
i work there, soooo i dont know what to do tomorrow, do i risk getting fined
for going into my job? or do i try to collect unemployment since i really
wasnt fired.....hmmmm its a nice night outside........my mom wants me to
move to oklahoma but i dont want to.........i think the flys are
mating........they make vics vapor in this little bottle shaped like a tampon,
have u seen it?, its really odd, u put it to your nose and breathe it in
and it helps clear out your nose, it workds really well but its just the
fact that it looks like your trying to jam a tampon into an extremely odd
oriface.........i love clerks........hmmmm well i think u've probably just
lost like a minute or two of your life just reading this....but if it makes
u feel better i just wasted about 30 minutes just writing it (i havent been
really focused), u will never get those minutes back, so i hope u enjoyed
the time that we bonded.............my remote doesnt have a channel button
My girlfriend's dog was doing something very dirty to its bed (which
it later peed in, i'll have you know) while i was reading this e-mail.
That probably added a sense of ambiance while reading the e-mail. But
boy, i'll tell you, i am frightened when that dog starts making love to my
leg. It's normally a very cute and endearing dog, but then it must see my
leg as some kind of beautiful puppy and goes for a little
wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am. That, i say, is horrible. Hump all you want, but
don't do it on my time.. or on me. That's my new motto.
3. If urine was pink, i think that the phrase "taking a pinkle tinkle"
would be very very clever.
4. If you're between 38-50 and are looking for a woman to run your life
and treat dating like a dry business affair, then
this woman
is just right for you! Read through this.. it's crazy. It's kind of
sad, really, because she's such a control freak and doesn't quite realize
that no man would ever be attracted to her -- especially since she spends
all her time trying to outline how to set up a date and never actually gets
around to saying anything worthwhile about herself. If you want to make yourself
look like someone stuck a lemon in your mouth and then kicked you in a very
sensitive area, take a listen to the mp3 greeting. Good lord. (Thank you
to diddly.com for discovering this)
5. "Zymurgy" is the last word in the dictionary that currently sits
on my desk, and it means "the science and study of fermentation, as in brewing."
So, in an effort to learn a new word, i shall write it 53 times. Here we
go: Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy
Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy
Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy
Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy
Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy
Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy Zymurgy
Feature
#77:
Ok, not much time for this update. I'm going to San Fran for the week,
but i wanted to put up something new before i went. So here it is. There's
even a theme, which is terribly exciting. Right. I need to shower, pack,
and i'm out of here in about 2 hours. Have a nice week, folks. Here's the
feature.
1. Two good jokes about poop
1. I came across these two jokes, and thought they were quite worth
sharing. There were actually four jokes about poop, but only two were funny.
One of the other ones had to do with Star Trek and Klingons, and i'm sure
you can see where that was going.
Q: Why did Piglet look in the toilet?
Q:Why are turds always tired?
2. These two tidbits come from my friend Rob Carney, who has been interning
down in Washington D.C. for the last few months. He pretty much draws up
reports all day and, from what i've heard of his experience, i've come to
the conclusion that people sit around, write reports about reports and go
to meetings, and that's what keeps this country running.
my coworker's boyfriend met with Bush and couldn't help but think, "what
a doofus" when he saw arrows on the floor of the white house directing the
president where to go and when.
the world bank infoshop has a coloring book put out by the united nations.
i'm not making a comment about the united nations, but it was interesting
to note that there were two copies of each drawing. on the left of any given
page was a previously colored version with an english explanation of that
specific UN project being depicted and on the right side was a version to
be colored, in spanish...
3. Here are two pages you must see, one for its humor and one for its
importance. I'll just give you a brief teaser and let you explore them
yourselves.
-I really wanted to post all these links on my page, so i just decided to
suggest the whole
links page. This is essentially metalinking, but it's really worth it.
What you'll find here: a guy who paints complex images on pulled teeth, a
guy who has scanned every reciept he's gotten from Wal-Mart in the last 5
years, the "Organization for the advancement of facial hair," zodiac condoms,
and more. Whoa boy.
-This is Project Censored, who "reports on the news that didn't make the
news." Because major companies own all large newspapers and television stations,
important news rarely gets out to the general public and, instead, ends up
floating around unnoticed in indie publications. Here is Project Censored's
"Top 25 Censored Media
Stories of 2000," most of which are really interesting and somewhat angering.
4. I can't really think of a good reason to put this on the webpage,
but it amused me so i just might as well. This is Richard Dawson's 1976
farewell speech from the last show of Family Feud that he hosted. I never
really watched the show (nor was i alive in '76), so i don't know who this
guy is at all.. but from this speech, it seems that the ol' noggin was starting
to fade. Here we go:
The Mackans were our final winning family, and they won $5,504 and I'm proud
of 'em. I've had the most incredible luck in my career. I've done lots and
lots of jobs, and I've never, ever had a job like "Family Feud". I've never
*dreamed* I would ever have a job where so many people could touch me and
I could touch them. And it was a great magic about this show that I've never
seen on any other show. I want to publicly acknowledge Howard Felsher, who
is our Executive Producer. He was a producer in the beginning of this show,
and he helped steer and guide the way that we went. And he and I fall a lot
of times, but I tell you that he's important and I should acknowledge him,
because he's the one, with me, that, we said, "Let *anybody* come on this
show, anyone that can play this game, no matter what color or creed, no matter
if they're in a wheelchair or they have no sight." And we've *had* anybody
on this show, and he was very, very important in that and I acknowledge and
thank him for it. I thank my crew, and I thanked my director already. I had
the best staff you've ever dreamed of. You can't...and you don't have to
dream of them, 'cause I'm gonna take them with me. Even if I never work again,
they'll just be near me. They are so special and wonderful. ABC, Jackie Smith,
Polly Welkman, Joe C. Alba; they kept us on the air probably a year more
than they should have, 'cause we weren't really helping them. You know, our
ratings weren't that good, and they were *so* great. They married themselves
carrying us, and I love them for that, not that I wanted to hurt 'em, 'cause
I love 'em. They were good people. There were people I know that got upset
that I kiss people; I kiss them for luck and love, that's all. That's what
my mother did to me. There were people upset that I would embrace or have
someone of a different color. The first time I ever saw people of any color
was when D-Day left from my hometown in England, to go and free Europe in
the war. And there was every color you could imagine, and I'd not seen that
in England. And I'd asked my mother about it; I said, "Is there something
wrong?" She said, "God... God makes people. You understand that, don't you?"
And I said, "Yeah!" She said, "Who makes a rainbow?" I said, "God." She said,
"I never presumed to tell anyone who could make a rainbow what color to make
children." And she changed my whole life with that statement. All I can tell
you is, this has been the very special 9 years of my life! If I never do
another thing, I've met the good, sweet people of the world. So I leave you,
with love, and for the little girl that, 9 years ago, I first signed to--I
guess she's 13, now--I'll think of you every day. God bless all the little
children in the world. Thank you.
So, right. What the hell was he talking about?
Feature
#78:
For a while, the goths stopped writing me angry letters, and it was
nice. Then, just recently, it seems they started up again. It amazes me that
people don't recognize that the goth page on this website is just a joke..
hell, i say so at the beginning of the page. Ah well. Let them eat their
cake, i guess.
School is quickly wrapping itself up, which is pretty weird. I've got
one more year left of education, and then it's "application in the real world"
time. But not yet.. not yet..
Good luck on your finals, if that's what you're doing. If you're not,
good luck on something else. Here's this week's feature:
1. San Francisco explanation
If anyone was curious as to why i randomly took off to San Francisco
for a week last week, the following e-mail exchange will explain it. However,
the real reason for me posting this is to flaunt what kind of professor you
should look for in choosing a class to spend a semester in. The professor
in question is a philosophy professor who i've taken four -- yes, four --
classes with. The man has the driest sense of humor i've ever seen, but it
makes class something to look forward to. (For those of you who have been
around for a few months, this is the same professor that i turned in that
"Firesign Theatre" paper into)
Subj: This is not a statement of my priorities
Hello,
Jason Feifer here. I just wanted to apologize for missing class on Thursday,
but I have an excuse I thought you might enjoy. As it turns out, I'm writing
you from a "no-tell motel" in San Francisco. We didn't intend to stay at
one of these motels, but there's little you can do after you make a reservation.
When we walked in, there was a lady at the front counter complaining about
blood on the sheets. I'm dead serious about this.
In any case, my girlfriend and i had aquired free plane tickets by giving
up our seats around one year ago (to be exact, April 30, 2000), and we hadn't
used them until now. If we waited until after April 30, 2001, our free plane
tickets would be, as they might say in Germany, kaput. So, we decided to
throw caution to the wind and head to San Francisco. I even did all my final
papers before we left -- well, all but yours, since you hadn't handed it
out yet.
So anyway, i do believe it was the only class of yours i missed all year.
Sorry for making it the last one. My paper will be handed in on time, however.
The wind didn't pick up that much caution.
Have a nice summer.
take care..
-jason.
To which he responded...
Subj: Re: This is not a statement of my priorities
good boy, that reckless pioneer spirit which still doesn't believe you can
get v.d. from toilet seats.....
the exam question is in the office; and you may be able to get one from another
student in class. go to the castro; see if you can get picked up; tell your
girlfriend to get with the program; after all, this is the twenty first century.
g0
2. Here's a little game i thought might be amusing. I took some popular
song lyrics and fed them through an
online translator, making them
go from English to German, from German to French, and then from French back
into English. In the process, the words got jumbled and changed, but the
essential message of the lyrics are still the same, and the structure remained
in most of them as well. So, your job is to guess what the songs are. There's
no prize, and the answers are at the bottom of this feature. This is just
for fun, but feel free to e-mail me if you really need some kind of
congratulatory feedback. The first one's a give-away. Good luck.
1. sing to us Song, they are the man of piano sing to us this Song at evening.
All we are in voting for a melody, and you have us feeling alright.
2. I do not concern myself you coming and whole time wasting my. Because,
if you are so narrowly of OH -, type I loses my entendement.
3. As a young woman affects during very first the mark.
4. Do you have the hour to hear me groaning regarding nothing and of quite
only course?
5. It is a brick and myself embeds coast and me progresses slowly, far nowhere.
6. I am that that which would like to be with you. Major interior, I hope
smell it too to you.
7. Opinion, to cooperate and hear. The ice is back with new expenditure blazing.
Something firmly seizes an influence of me, car like a harpoon the daily
newspaper and allabendlich.
3. I hate when birds chirp outside my window before i have gone to
bed. There used to be a time when i enjoyed staying up until i could
function no longer, but i don't really like doing that anymore.. now, i just
HAVE to do that. Unless i've done something incredibly active all day, i
can't fall asleep at any normal time. I go to sleep at 3, maybe 4am. The
birds are chirping, the sun is sometimes about to rise, and it's like nature
rubbing in my rediculious sleeping habits. As in, "hah, you lousy bastard,
i can get up and you can't get down. I'm on a schedule without fail, but
look at you. You're a mess." Don't get me wrong, i like chirping birds..
but i like them when i have woken up.
Answers to game:
1. Chorus of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel
2. First lines of first verse by "Just What I Needed" by The Cars
3. "Like a virgin touched for the very first time" from "Like a Virgin" by
Madonna
4.First line of "Basket Case" by Green Day
5. First line from "Brick" by Ben Folds Five
6. First two lines of chorus from "Be With You" by Mr. Big
7. First two lines from "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
Feature
#79:
On a somber note, i'd like to make mention of the late and brilliantly
talented Douglas Adams, author of (amongst others) The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy, who died Friday, May 11, of a heart attack. I don't know
much about him, but i can say that his Hitchhiker's series was one
of the smartest and funniest works i've ever had the pleasure of reading,
and his death at the age of 49 is a tradgedy -- not only to lose such a wonderful
artist, but to lose all he might have continued to produce. We'll miss you,
Doug.
On a lighter note: Ok, ok, I neglected the page for a few days. I apologize,
but i do have my excuses. Anyhow, i should hopefully be a lot better now.
I hope everyone did smashing on their finals, and i do pity those that haven't
wrapped their year up yet. (Well, except those folks who run on a completely
different schedule than the generic American one.. there isn't much i can
do about that)
I also pity anyone who lives in Massachusetts, or any other place where
spring has brought an unusually large bounty of things that cause allergies.
They're rolling around like tumbleweeds over here. It could be allergies
or it could be a cold, but i haven't stopped blowing my nose in around a
week.
Anyhow, here's this week's feature.
1. Amazon.mom
1. I noticed that whenever you look up something on amazon.com,
they try encouraging you to buy the product for an upcoming holiday. So here,
as you'll notice on the bottom, it appears that amazon.com thinks buying
mom a book by Freud would be quite the swell idea. This brings up the obvious
question: does everyone at amazon.com want to sleep with their mothers?
2. This comes to us from the
Bismarck
Tribune, which prides itself on being "The official online gateway into
North Dakota." This just goes to show that the news can get, oh, a little
slow out there.
Naked man screams into Cenex
VIRGINIA GRANTIER, Bismarck Tribune
A naked someone walked into a Cenex store early Sunday morning with a paper
bag over his head, screamed for about five to 10 seconds, and then left.
Assistant Manager T. J. Swisher, 21, did the best he could when describing
to police the suspect's physical description. He knows, for sure, the suspect
was male, and thinks he weighed about 200 pounds and was about 6 feet tall.
And Swisher somehow came up with an age for the suspect: Somewhere between
age 25 and 35.
He told the Tribune he's not exactly sure why he settled on that age range.
But two things led him to surmise youthfulness: The heavy dark hair covering
the suspect's body and that the maroon-colored getaway car was something
that probably only a young man would drive.
Swisher said it was about 5:30 a.m., Sunday, when Swisher, doing book work
in the office, heard the door buzzer, indicating a customer. He got up to
help, but first he happened to look out the office window before proceeding
into the store proper. That's when he noticed something that "scared the
hell out of me."
The man, in the buff, then started screaming, no words, for about five or
10 seconds, and then turned and ran.
By the time Swisher rushed to the front of the store, the suspect's car was
far enough away that Swisher couldn't discern the vehicle's make, just color.
Because of the quickness of the getaway, Swisher thinks the suspect had an
accomplice, a getaway driver. Swisher said he wonders if the whole thing
was just a prank.
In the two years he has worked at the store, he rates this as being the one
and only truly strange thing that has occurred there.
"It was gross," he said.
3. I wouldn't be surprised if i'm the only one with this problem,
but there are unfortunate days where i'm taking a shower and there
is a booger or two living up in the ol' nostrils. Now, this wouldn't be much
of a problem, because i can just blow them out when i dry myself off -- but
ah, there's the problem. In the process of drying my face with a towel, one
of these suckers will somehow leap onto the towel. Rather disgusting, if
you ask me. I hope i always notice when this happens, because otherwise there
are grosser things afoot. Yeesh. I am so classy.
4. In response to the original
fansite going down, some guy
named Aaron has made another one. Since i can't get over this
small-yet-intriguing phenomonon, and since it is rather flattering, i can't
help but promote it:
Fansite
II
There are more
features to be
had.
Features
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Or, we can always go
back.
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