the integrity of a subculture is at stake...
GOTHS. They're funny.
"It is my oppion that this part of your site is
crude, mean, nasty, tasteless, untrue, unfair, judgmental, wrong, bad,
discernment, evil, unjust, mistaken, incorrect, and inappropriate. (Only
to name a few things.)"
It has come to my attention that there's really nothing funnier than goths. You know, those weird kids that haven't quite grown out of that "I hate life. But i'm living. But i hate it and wish i was dead. But then i wouldn't be alive, and that might be bad. But i hate life." phase? They walk around with their black capes and sorrow-filled faces, and are rather positive that they've figured life out for all it isn't worth, and the rest of us are all just fools? All the while, they have no idea they're all bi-products of a bad marketing idea? Well, boy are they funny! I put that in my AOL profile, and sure enough.. the goths got angry and IM'd me.
I decided to start collecting my conversations. This here, purely for your amusement, are the conversations.
(Quick disclaimer: This page is no longer updated, but is kept posted by popular demand. It does not in any way reflect my personal views on anything, including goths, Yoo-Hoo, or the color black. If you Instant Message me, as many have done over the years, with the intention of screaming at me, teaching me a lesson, prompting me to make fun of you, etc., our conversation will not go very far. This page was done as a joke. The conversations are real, but the intention was, and has always been, to make people laugh. No more, no less. If you can't understand that, I am truly sorry for your lack of sense of humor.)
With that said, here we go.
This was the person that inspired me to start this page. I'd like you to
read her profile..
Member Name: *Lady Star Reznor*
Location: Miami (or hell, as i like to call it) But my heart's in New Orleans... :)
Birthdate: Old enough
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Single.....I think ;)
Hobbies: Reading ( I Love Poppy!!!), Poetry, Music ( NIN, Cure, Cruxshadows, Switchblade, Siouxsie, New Order, Joy Division, Sisters, The Last Dance( Rick's a cutie!!), Bunnymen, Smiths..etc..The list is just too long. :\ Always poised at the brink of oblivion.
Computers: Just one more of today's stupid questions!!!
Occupation: being cute ;)
Personal Quote: The web of lies is woven sure and strong in the minds of the lesser ones...
Wow. What a creepy individual. And she's even odder to talk to.. (oh, and she really wrote me with those red italics.. with a black background. Whoo. This girl really wishes she was dead) Oh, if you can, please read her parts with a screechy high-pitched angry voice. It might scare the neighbors, but it makes for a much more entertaining read..
Darkslick: Nice quote little boy......
KNULPREK: haha. you're a goth? what are we mourning today?
Darkslick: ::sighs:: so clever you are.......
KNULPREK: did you know that the web of lies is woven sure and strong in the minds of the lesser ones...
KNULPREK: you know, that's funny. we're both always poised at the brink of oblivion! what a coincidence
Darkslick: yesll the lesser ones.. as in YOU......
KNULPREK: wow. i have no response to that. so what ARE we mourning today? life? death? gerry garcia? the spice girls? hey, don't goths shun technology? what are you doing on a computer? are you wearing black lipstick now?
KNULPREK: which do you do first in the mourning.. err.. morning: put on the black lipstick, or put on the ripped up stockings? or, is it the fake vampire teeth?
Darkslick: do you ever stop and think about what you are going to say?? because the stupid things that come out of your lips are just a waste of breath.....
KNULPREK: hmm.. i never thought of it like that. wow. you've put things into perspective. thank you. thank you for showing me the light that is the dark side. i may have to go out and buy a black dress now. i'm going to become goth. life is hell. i love hate.
Darkslick: and it's not "fake vampire teeth" they are called..they are Fangs.
KNULPREK: damn. sorry. i'll try to be more goth-PC
KNULPREK: so you actually wear those? can you eat steak better with those? do you like it raw?
KNULPREK: or are you afraid of the ol' stakes? right through the heart. they killed dracula, ya know.
Darkslick: ::laughs::
KNULPREK: was that an evil laugh?
Darkslick: poor poor you........ you have alot to learn...... but it's ok.. you are still young and naive......
Darkslick: i must go now.... no use in wasting my time with ones like you........... *farewell*
KNULPREK: wow. you don't break the goth mode, do you? is this your fourth or fifth century on this planet? when'd you join the dark lord and his kingdom
KNULPREK: tell satan i say hi. we're old chums
KNULPREK: wow. i was right. goths are funny
KNULPREK: bauhaus vs. marilyn manson.. who would win?
Darkslick: ::laughs:: can you really compare????
KNULPREK: so answer the damn question!
KNULPREK: hey, what's so goth about italics?
KNULPREK: does it represent the way you walk slanted in this straightened world?
Darkslick: ::disgusted look on her face:: listin little boy.. i don't have to answer anything for you...... if your little mind has a need to know some answers.. go ask someone who cares..........
KNULPREK: bauhaus vs. craftwork.. who would win?
KNULPREK: hey, YOU were the one that IM'd me, for christ's sake. is christ a bad word for you? hmm. anyway, i didn't bother you, mother of hell. you bothered me.
Darkslick: cesse your pesturings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i did IM you.. i had the hope that there was not people as stupid as the way your profile described you...
Darkslick: but there is... and i refuse to continue this " conversation" if you'd like to call it that..... *farewell*
KNULPREK: cesse? didn't you spell that wrong? how old are you anyway? don't kids grow out of this 'i was born in hell' thing in like, middle school?
KNULPREK: how much hell are you in if you own a computer, anyway?
KNULPREK: can't you keep talking to me? c'mon. i want to learn more about the dark side. i want to join. i want to buy ripped stockings and possibly a pleather cape. c'mon!!
KNULPREK: Lady Star Reznor.. that's what they call my grandma!! what a coincidence!
KNULPREK: did you know Hanson were goth until they wrote mmm-bop? that changed them forever.
KNULPREK: FFFFFOOOOORRRRR--EEEEVVVVVVVEEERRRR!!
KNULPREK: can you put a curse on me? can you turn me into possibly, a little bunny rabit? or a piece of toast? that'd be fantastic!
KNULPREK: ok.. bugs bunny is being chased by a witch.. who do you root for.. bugs, or the witch?
KNULPREK: is it feuling your hatred for all things living by me talking to you?
KNULPREK: where are you in miami? i'm in hollywood now. we could go out for capichino. or do you like things only COLD?
OK, so this next one isn't nearly as funny. I tried to make myself sound knowledgable about some goth band called Bauhaus, but it didn't work. So i figured i'd ask my 'all-around-goth' question. That's where the humor lies..
KNULPREK: you go to any Bauhaus shows?
BauhausAGI: i went to one show so far
BauhausAGI: and I'm also going to vegas
KNULPREK: vegas, baby! vegas!
BauhausAGI: how about you?
KNULPREK: i've been to four. i followed them throughout the northeast
BauhausAGI: when?
KNULPREK: when they were here
BauhausAGI: how long ago was that?
KNULPREK: not too long ago
BauhausAGI: you are full of shit. the only shows they have done in 15 years were in hollywood july 9-12th of this year
KNULPREK: you're right. i am full of shit. but, as a goth, i have to ask you, my dear.. what are we mourning today?
BauhausAGI: YOU!
My friend Issy got in on the goth bashing, and this is what he came up with.. apparently, he found a less-than-enthusiastic goth. I didn't know there were such things..
SurfClown: So you're goth, eh?
Gothfather: yeah. whatever.
SurfClown: what, are you not proud?
Gothfather: i don't care.
SurfClown: well are you or arent you?
Gothfather: yeah. whatever.
SurfClown: you like that phrase dont you?
Gothfather: sure.
SurfClown: is it against the "goth religion" to
masturbate?
Gothfather: as far as i know there isn't any fuckin'
"goth religion". if there is...and it is...i still wank all of the time
anyhow. SurfClown: ah... dandy. do you like
drink blood and stuff
Gothfather: sure.
SurfClown: neat-o i heard
it taste like fruitpunch flavored gatorade. is that true?
Gothfather: sure.
SurfClown: nuff with the sure stuff buddy. do you like
wear womens clothings...and go out after dark?
Gothfather: i don't wear women's clothing. i don't
wake up until four or five pm.
SurfClown: what time do you go to sleep? do you like
sleep in coffins and stuff?
Gothfather: what kind of crack smokin' world are you
from? jesus fuckin' christ!
SurfClown: dont do that. cmon man. thats like blasphamy
and shyt.
SurfClown: mult. choice question...
- does gothfather sleep in a(n)
a) coffin
b) waterbed
c) a regular
matress
d) a futon
Gothfather: f) why do you care?
SurfClown: i dont know about the goth alphabt but int
he english one...e is the next letter
Gothfather: no, no...f as in f*ck you...why do you
care?
SurfClown: do you wanna be a gothfather when you grow
up?
Gothfather: your parents must not pride themselves
on your intelligence, eh?
SurfClown: yup.
Ok, so now it's time to take an in-depth look at what makes the goth tick. Is it the love of hate? The strong desire to die? Maybe they just like too much eye shadow. Here's the difinitive answer:
Druedess: Are you goth?
KNULPREK: Are you?
Druedess: So ive been told
KNULPREK: Hmm.. well, let's find out.. do you wear all black?
Druedess: mostly do you?
KNULPREK: are you the owner of any of the following: fangs, a cape, a Bauhaus CD, black lipstick?
Druedess: I have black lipstick tho i dont wear it and thats it
KNULPREK: if you don't wear it, why do you have it? that's good. those fangs are a bit odd.
Druedess: I take it your not goth im going to leave you be
KNULPREK: oh, wait.. ok, can you talk to me from a goth to non-goth standpoint?
Druedess: sure
KNULPREK: cool. ok, here's my main question here.. what exactly turns you onto the whole goth thing? like, it seems like such an unhappy genra of life, revolving around this non-descript mourning of everything. is that accurate?
Druedess: I just like the look
"I just like the look." Isn't that ironic? I'm sure goths sit around and make fun... or, well, maybe they mourn... the materialistic people around them. But then, look at that answer! They're no better than someone who goes out and only buys Tommy Hilfinger (or however you spell that). This study is getting stranger all the time..
My friend Mike (of MADMARCY fame) took on a goth late one night, and we're once again shown how deep and intricate the goth world really is. So much so, in fact, that the goth can't even talk about it. Intriguing..
cisco127: how many gothic kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
XFadeX: Don't know, how many?
cisco127: none...you think they want the lights on
XFadeX: Hehehe...
cisco127: you're goth..you like it dark..hahha..get it...you like it
dark
cisco127: get it?
cisco127: get it?
cisco127: haha
XFadeX: Yeah, I get it.
cisco127: dark, like the sinister disconsolate soul that stalks your being, sucking all your radiant lusterous marrow, like the vampire you strive to be
cisco127: right?
XFadeX: I don't want to be, nor do I believe there in, vampires.
XFadeX: Omit the 'there'.
XFadeX: Damned typos.
XFadeX: And I am NOT obsessed with darkness.
cisco127: 'there' omitted
XFadeX: Learn what a 'goth' is before you start defining them.
cisco127: oh my!
cisco127: teach me..please
cisco127: will ya, huh?
XFadeX: No, because I don't have the time. Look on the web, there are plenty of resources.
cisco127: the web? ah! in reference to the dwelling spot of the venemous black widow spider...infamously extracting all sources of life from the innocent flys that cross her gloomy path
cisco127: right?
XFadeX: Interesting theory, but no.
cisco127: ok..let me check plenty of resources
cisco127: got it! plenty of resource number one states: "there's really nothing funnier than goths. You know, those weird kids that haven't quite grown out of that "I hate life. But i'm living. But i hate it and wish i was dead. But then i wouldn't be alive, and that might be bad. But i hate life." phase? They walk around with their black capes and sorrow-filled faces, and are rather positive that they've figured life out for all it isn't worth, and the rest of us are all just fools? All the while, they have no idea they're all bi-products of a bad marketing idea? Well, boy are they funny!"
XFadeX: That is an ignorant, stereotypical view. Such garbage is worthless.
cisco127: well..you dont' seem to have concern for safeguarding the goth title by spreding the gothic truth....and secondly..i never took it upon my self to "define" goth, as you state. i only told you a joke to possibly brighten up your routinely sullen life
XFadeX: I don't feel the need to defend my lifestyle. I am tired of explaining it. The joke was funny, but what you said afterwards wasn't.
cisco127: the stuff about the two mexicans and the bread factory?
cisco127: i didnt' know it was such a touchy subject
XFadeX: No, the stuff about being or wanting to be a vampire.
XFadeX: I am sick of hearing about it...can't someone like vampire literature/art without wanting to be one?
cisco127: hmm
cisco127: um
cisco127: let me think
cisco127: no
cisco127: no i don't believe so
XFadeX: Well, you are sorely mistaken my friend.
XFadeX: So, people who like cars, must want to be one, right?
cisco127: definately
cisco127: but i have a question
XFadeX: Shoot.
cisco127: you say you like vampire literature/art?
XFadeX: Somewhat.
cisco127: but you don't want to be, nor do you believe there in, vampires?
cisco127: Omit the 'there'.
XFadeX: No, I don't want to be a vampire. And, I believe they are nothing more than flights of fancy.
cisco127: ok..i understand..you do not..under any circumstances...wish to become nothing more than a flight of fancy
cisco127: i hang my head is shame due to my ignorance
cisco127: i just thought that that was what the costume was for
XFadeX: No, I do not wish to become a vampire for other reasons. I never said you were ignorant, but you have said ignorant things.
cisco127: ya know..the cape, fangs, etc.
XFadeX: I don't wear costumes, I wear capes for fashion. I like them. I don't wear fangs...
cisco127: why do vampires (the ones portrayed in the reknown literature/art) where capes? is that for fasion as well?
cisco127: you have a similar taste in fasion as the notorious flights of fancy?
cisco127: fashion rather
cisco127: Damned typos.
XFadeX: Indeed. Most vampires wore capes because they were gentlemen, and capes were part of the attire of the common gentleman. Most vampire stories take place in the old days, and the modern ones cloak the vampires in modern fashion.
cisco127: vampires are men? i thought they were psychotic 6 foot bats....and how can you claim they were gentle? sucking the blood out of an innocent woman friend sounds awfully rough to me
XFadeX: No, you obviously misunderstood me.
cisco127: obviously
cisco127: are you offering you clear the misunerstanding?
cisco127: because i would still love a gothic explanation of gothic
XFadeX: Look, you want to know about vampires, read Poppy Z. Brite's Lost Souls (modern) then read Bram Stoker's Dracula. You will see the difference.
XFadeX: I wear what I want to wear, what I think looks good. I don't dress up like vampires, nor do I wish to be one.
cisco127: ok...but..just watch out..buffy might confuse you for a flight of fancy and hack the sphincter out of you
(the original lightbulb joke is credited to the miraculous larry) --mike.
Time for some jokes!
RedRuby911: how do you get a goth out of a tree?
KNULPREK: hug the tree?
RedRuby911: lol, no. Cut the rope!
KNULPREK: haha!!
RedRuby911: how do you save a goth from drowning?
KNULPREK: hmm.. how?
RedRuby911: take your foot off their head!
This will now answer the age-old question of.. do goths eat bugs?
KNULPREK: do you eat bugs?
Bias Goth: lots of 'em
KNULPREK: really? what's your favorite?
Bias Goth: yuppers......millipedes
Bias Goth: covered with frosting
KNULPREK: wow! that's great!
Bias Goth: ya =)
KNULPREK: dead or alive? the bugs, that is?
Bias Goth: i prefer them to be alive but if their dead..it's okie
KNULPREK: ah. like that feeling of climbing around in your mouth before you chomp down?
Bias Goth: YEAY =)
KNULPREK: well, that's fantatsic!
This had always bothered me.. why, if someone is so obsessed with death, are they not dead? It would only seem natural. If you're going to mope around and say "death is great. i wish i was dead." then you just MIGHT AS WELL kill yourself. Hell, you've got nothing better to do! If it's between trying on new shoes and death, goths would most likely pick death. But anyway, the point is.. i asked someone.
KNULPREK: So, if you're so obsessed with death, why exactly are you still alive?
Undead4093: some people need me, and unfortunatly I give a damn
KNULPREK: Lets say you're in a bank, and all of a sudden some bank robbers come in with guns start threatening you.. do you not give a damn because if they killed you, they'd be doing you a favor?
Undead4093: they would be doing me a favor, but they would not be doing the people who need me a favor, so if did something to give them reason to kill me, I would be commiting a selfish act..... that I will not do
KNULPREK: so if you didn't have people who needed you, you'd just off and kill yourself?
Undead4093: if I didn't have people who needed me, I wouldn't have a reason to be here........at all
KNULPREK: but then you could just go off and enjoy life. have you ever had Yoo-Hoo? It's America's favorite chocolate drink, you know. That's something to live for.
Undead4093: knowledge is to live for, not a yoohoo drink, we all die in time, and given that, I have no need to speed up the process right now........ if I did, I would
KNULPREK: but if you collect knowledge and die, then what good was that knowledge? what about this great cartoon called Space Ghost? that's almost as good as Yoo-Hoo.
Undead4093: space ghost is funny, yes, but only on the cartoon network when he is arguing with the other characters. what good is knowledge while we live? The knowledge i collect is an attempt to find out what happens when we die.
KNULPREK: so if you found out, there'd be no need to die. then you could have more Yoo-Hoo. although, too much of that might kill you. then the whole point would be moot, wouldn't it?
Undead4093: ah, but the last part of the experiment for the knowledge would be to experience it first hand. everything is moot, transitory..... besides i hate yoohoo
KNULPREK: if you die, are you planning on coming back and writing a book? how else do people pass on knowledge like that? you should write Yoo-Hoo and tell them how much you hate them. They'll probably send you a t-shirt or something.
Undead4093: most likely they would, or I could tell them their prices are too high and they would send me some coupons for free yoohoo, of course I hate yoohoo, so you can try. I don't plan on coming back, unless the after life sucks, but I doubt it, unless the christians are correct. Knowledge like that comes in much the same way as automical sciences. electrons cannot be seen, but we know they exsits.
KNULPREK: hmm.. is it too chocolaty for you? like, is Quick more to your liking? so, if this life sucks for you, and the afterlife sucks for you, where are you planning on going?
Undead4093: i prefere water....... that is a very good question, but something tells me the after life won't suck..... but should i be wrong, i will have an eternity to figure something else out.
KNULPREK: i'd imagine the afterlife is pretty crowded.. a whole lot of people have died, you know.
KNULPREK: water? what about Dr. Pepper?
Undead4093: yes, hopefully it will be less crowded there....... yes water, though having to chose pepsie is more to my liking.....
KNULPREK: pepsi over coke, then? if you were blindfolded, could you tell the difference? what if they don't have water in the afterlife? just Yoo-Hoo. then what?
Undead4093: i could tell the differnce, coke dosn't burn as bad when I drink a can of it in 10 seconds......... then i won't drink anything, i cannot die of dehydration if i am already dead
KNULPREK: maybe you die in the afterlife and go somewhere else. the after-afterlife. what if this IS the afterlife of some previous life?
Undead4093: i have thought about that, it is an interesting theory......
KNULPREK: yea. it also would mean that you're rather screwed with this whole death obsession thing.
Undead4093: not really..... i am obsessed with the act of dying and the beauty of death...... for the perspective of this life.
Undead4093: of afterlife as it may be
KNULPREK: so you wouldn't want to be violently mutilated, i take it? that's not too beautiful.
Undead4093: no, but why would I care if I was dead?
KNULPREK: because before you're dead, you're being violently mutilated. and that's nowhere near the beauty of death.
KNULPREK: that's the beauty of violent mutations
Undead4093: I didn't not ask blood, gore and mutilation to be part of death, thus part of my obsession, it just came with the package.
KNULPREK: so you find that beautiful?
Undead4093: no, I find it interesting. never did I say a mutilated corps was beautiful, however obsessed I am with it, only as an interest.... not a beautiful aspect.....
KNULPREK: so it's like a hobby.. some people collect coins, you like death?
Undead4093: yes
KNULPREK: ok. good hobby.
Undead4093: everyone needs a hobby
Here is my favorite part of posting conversations on a webpage.. someone thinks they're clever and says something to me that they think is very smart and witty. Then i go and put their conversation on the web, shown to the world, and they look like an ass. Haha! Wow, THAT'S humorous!
KNULPREK: So, if someone says to you "drop dead!" do you take it as a compliment?
WnsdyAddms: sopos
KNULPREK: oh, that's not english at all.
WnsdyAddms: its greek
KNULPREK: what's it mean?
WnsdyAddms: drop dead
KNULPREK: haha. if you were just going to insult me, why couldn't you do that in english, so i could understand? were you hoping i spoke greek?
WnsdyAddms: no..i thought it would be amusing to myself to do it in greek with one word to express what you wanted to know..then you could answer your wn question
KNULPREK: well, you're a clever one. i congratulate you on fooling me. i was sufficiently tricked. but that really didn't answer my question. i don't take it as a compliment, because i'm not goth. but you are, so that changes things.
WnsdyAddms: youre not goth?
WnsdyAddms: then why am i talking to you?
WnsdyAddms: lol
WnsdyAddms: bye
KNULPREK: let me check.. nope.. i'm not wearing any ripped stockings!
WnsdyAddms: um..was that suppose to be funny?cause it really wasnt..
WnsdyAddms: bye again
KNULPREK: oh, but i've amused myself. i'm being clever! you say sopos, and i say ripped stockings! we're both SO clever!
WnsdyAddms: i am anyhow..
WnsdyAddms: bye #3
KNULPREK: oh, you still never answered my question.
you're not very good at this.. let's try another one.. what do you think
of airline union disputes?
A sence of comradory amongst goths? I didn't
know it was in the goth constitution that they could HAVE
friends!
Gofack: Excuse me, I'm having a private conversation at the moment with my Goth friend WnsdyAddms, can't you just go to Clarke University now instead of later - contrary to popular opinion, Goths have more of a life than most. Bye
KNULPREK: haha. i understand. you just have to mourn for a while.
Gofack: }:-)
KNULPREK: what's that?
KNULPREK: sopos, as your friend would say.
Gofack: Whats what {:-) - a smily face
KNULPREK: ah, with that thing on top i thought you were trying to spread some of your evil
Gofack: Impossible to spread any more!!!!
KNULPREK: is that why you're goth? the evil got to ya?
Recall up the page a bit to a conversation between my friend Mike and a goth named XfadeX. I was checking my guestbook, and i get the following comment:
Now, at a first glance, this page seems interesting. But after you get past the second paragraph, it becomes apparent that this is nothing more than the usual garbage that finds its way onto the web. The page is not only pointless, it is also boring. Do us all a favor, and never, ever attempt to make a page again. Oh, and by the way, your little piece on 'goths' is so hilarious. To me, the funny part wasn't the conversations you captured, but the fact that someone could be so stupid and ignorant (That means YOU, not the people involved with the subculture you are trying to attack). I really don't see why you printed my conversation though...it proved nothing. The only thing it proved is that 'goths' are obviously alot more articulate than you are...
Haha!! Well, i'm glad that on some level, he thought this was funny. And 'more articulate than you are?' I mean.. go back up to that conversation he had with Mike.. tell me something he said that was profoundly articulate. That's actually the first negative thing that has been said, and it came from Mr. xfadex. Well, i'm deeply hurt. I might as well just take the whole page down now. I told my gothesq friend about it, and this is what she had to say:
RedRuby911: I think i have chatted with him before, strange guy.. what we goths call an Insta-goth...
KNULPREK: haha.. what's that?
RedRuby911: just add black... people who put on a black tee shirt and think they are goth. have no concept of the actual inside stuff that goes along with it.. it is a attitude not a fashion statement!!
Wow. That's great. Insta-goth. Maybe he'll invite me to his 400th birthday party. I wrote him back to tell him how funny he was, but he deleted it. Too busy learning how to apply eye make-up, i guess. That's the type of kid that goes and borrows mommy's black dresses.
My friend Mike and i were sitting at someone's house, and decided to entertain ourselves by picking on some goths.. Mike was at the keyboard for about 95% of the time (although, it was under my name), and i just sat there and laughed. Anyway, this does disprove one theory about goths...
KNULPREK: you're a goth girl, no?
ShadwRoses: yes i am
KNULPREK: so.. do you pee standing up?
ShadwRoses: why would i do that?
KNULPREK: because i thought goth girls were into that
ShadwRoses: *raises an eyebrow* no
KNULPREK: *raises a staff of death* THEN DIE WITH ME!!!
ShadwRoses: no thanks
KNULPREK: WE MUST!!
KNULPREK: It's our duty as responsible vampire patrons to fly fancily into the underworld
Oh, wait.. there are two things in that girl's profile you have to see..
Hobbies: DEATH
There are more, but that was obviously first and foremost..
Occupation: Staying in the dark..Goth.. Trying to avoid annoying people*includin myself* . Wishing I weren't alive ALOT lately, LOCAL WIERDO
And she DOESN'T pee standing up? Maybe that's her problem!!
This is Mike under my name again. We found this girl in a chatroom about goths, and once she told us on the chatroom that she was NOT the owner of a cape, we had to IM her.. (oh, and she lives in Titusville, FL)
KNULPREK: so why no cape? capes are great!
ArcanaLuna: i don't really have any good reason to wear a cape.
ArcanaLuna: maybe to a halloween party or something.
KNULPREK: what is your favorite goth accessorie?
ArcanaLuna: lol, why?
KNULPREK: because we both lives in titusville and i want to get to know you so we can die together
ArcanaLuna: oh, how tragically romantic. so who are you anyway, and do you really live in T-ville?
KNULPREK: my mother lives in t-ville....i visit there a lot....but there are no good goth stores there...i have to buy my black lipstick here
KNULPREK: what kind of stockings are you wearing?
ArcanaLuna: i'm not wearing stockings. and i think you're full of bullshit.
KNULPREK: i'm full of sadness.. deep dark and lonesome
KNULPREK: nobody understands
ArcanaLuna: why not just kill yourself, then?
KNULPREK: but bullshit can be used to make an evil warlock stew
KNULPREK: because there are people who need me here
ArcanaLuna: wow, didn't know that. thanks for the tip.
KNULPREK: unfortunately i give a shit
ArcanaLuna: that's nice
KNULPREK: how many bahaus albums do you own anyways?
ArcanaLuna: one
KNULPREK: we will need to create a master copy playlist for our ritual
KNULPREK: can you bring the bullshit
ArcanaLuna: you're not funny, but you sure try hard.
KNULPREK: don't you LOVE death? it's so cool.
ArcanaLuna: no, i don't love death.
KNULPREK: do you even know what goth is?
KNULPREK: no cape...no love of death...are you even a vampire
ArcanaLuna: yeah, a style of architechture.
KNULPREK: yes yes...and a style of literature...and me...i am yet another meaning of goth....but YOU are obviously too ignorant to understand
ArcanaLuna: i guess so.
KNULPREK: we could have been flights of fancy together
KNULPREK: we could have destroyed the walls of ignorance
KNULPREK: but you are a brick in that wall
KNULPREK: and you can't fly out of it because you dont own a cape
ArcanaLuna: you do the goth parody really well. i get the point. very funny.
KNULPREK: ok..enough of this funny business....when are you going to meet me in draculas castle to finish our ritual?
ArcanaLuna: midnight, on halloween. duh. that should have been obvious.
KNULPREK: i will deal with the bahaus cds....all you have to do is show up with three bags of bullshit
KNULPREK: halloween? you feeble minded fool...goth is perrenial
ArcanaLuna: okay, easter morning then.
ArcanaLuna: just to be ironic.
KNULPREK: no....tonight
ArcanaLuna: okay...tonight. sure..
KNULPREK: the moon will be at a quarter in 6 fortnights
KNULPREK: 6....the sign of the devil
KNULPREK: the gatekeeper of hell
KNULPREK: where we will reign in peace.....if only i could die
KNULPREK: DIE
KNULPREK: DIE
KNULPREK: but the people that need me....i do give a shit
KNULPREK: bullshit
KNULPREK: ive got plenty
ArcanaLuna: apparently...
KNULPREK: we are sisters of mercy. fly with me!
KNULPREK: oh..no cape...you are making this extremely difficult
KNULPREK: i will have to lend you one
KNULPREK: but i would like three pairs of fangs as collateral
KNULPREK: mine are getting dull from suckin' yak blood
KNULPREK: you are one of those people who maybe have seen bahaus once..and you tell people you've seen them like 7 times even though they've only toured in the westcoast in the last 10 years....you dont own a cape.....you probably keep your black lipstick in a container other than a lunchbox....your stocking are probably not even ripped....youre probably a blond ....come with me to draculas castle so we can DIE together and end this foolish bickering
KNULPREK: you and your parody of goth does not amuse me
ArcanaLuna: i've never seen bauhaus, i don't wear capes or stockings, i don't believe in vampires, and i don't wear black lipstick....
ArcanaLuna: what the hell do you want?
KNULPREK: why are you in the goth chatroom then?
ArcanaLuna: because i like goth music.
KNULPREK: this is far more superior than architecture
KNULPREK: this is a matter of death and death
ArcanaLuna: funny...
KNULPREK: chocolate babies are funny....this matter is very serious though
ArcanaLuna: yes, very serious. the integrity of a subcluture is at stake...yada yada. it's been fun playing along, bye.
KNULPREK: yes...when there are 5 trillion 12 year old girls peeings standing up with glitter on their face who dont even own capes claiming to be fans of arcitecture who refuse to bring me three bags of bullshit...yes..there is much in stake
ArcanaLuna: oh well, can't help you there, sorry.
KNULPREK: no...you can't help me..i dont need help..all i need is death....i can help you though
ArcanaLuna: well, go die.
KNULPREK: i can't just die. there are people who need me here
KNULPREK: and unfortunately..i give a shit
KNULPREK: plenty to give
KNULPREK: you should read the scripture of the dark lord
KNULPREK: i dont have time to explain these matters to you..i have to prepare for my departure
KNULPREK: i must go with the flight of fancys to the castle of gloom
KNULPREK: goodbye world of ignorance...hello pleasant world of darkness.....i fly away *room fills with smoke...i cover myself with my cape and dissapear* *FLASH*
This is actually a friend of my sister's who decided to get in on the goth action. This is really quality, though. Never before have i seen an actual organized explanation of the goth look. Not to mention, the knowledge that it's not about death! I guess i should take that noose down now...
Amburgesa: did you get your screen name from Sabrina the teenage witch?
Salem6824: no
Salem6824: thats a fucktard show
Amburgesa: o so you are a goth?
Amburgesa: ha ha ha
Salem6824: yes i *am* a goth
Salem6824: what are YOU
Amburgesa: well i am a regular person but i think i wana be a goth where do you guys shop for the black lipstick??
Salem6824: Hot Topic, the internet, catalogs, or k mart around Halloween
Amburgesa: only on halloween or do they sell them year round for the goths?
Salem6824: at k mart, only on halloween. everywhere else, the whole year round
Salem6824: so, you want me to help you be goth, or something?
Amburgesa: yeah is there like a test i gotta take or something?
Amburgesa: a manual?
Salem6824: LOL... not quite
Amburgesa: so wut do i have to do?
Salem6824: lesson 1. dont listen to marilyn manson
Amburgesa: ok hold on let me write this down
Amburgesa: ok go on
Salem6824: lol
Salem6824: lesson 2. go in your closet, find everything white, pink, or powder blue and burn it.
Amburgesa: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't wear my pink stuff anymore???!?!
Salem6824: if you *want* to
Salem6824: there arent any hard rules
Amburgesa: ok ok i can live without pink i guess, wuts next
Salem6824: i have a pink sequin shirt, but i can get away with it because im goth already
Salem6824: 3. buy black eyeliner.
Salem6824: black eyeliner goes on eyes, eyebrows and lips
Amburgesa: o so did you like go through a service or something? to make you a true goth?
Salem6824: no
Salem6824: i just decided one day
Amburgesa: o ok i understand give me some more rules
Salem6824: 4. dont wear whiteface. it will make you look like a mime.
Salem6824: use Max Factor porcelain pale foundation
Amburgesa: o ok so i shouldn't get a lot of sun
Salem6824: get some good boots too
Salem6824: right. bad sun. evil sun.
Amburgesa: are there a special brand i should look for
Salem6824: sun bad. go 'way sun!
Amburgesa: yeah ok so sun is not good
Salem6824: boots, i would say GBX
Amburgesa: ok should i get a cape?
Salem6824: cape? eh... last time i checked, Fredericks of Hollywood had a great cape in their new catalog
Salem6824: capes usually run about 150 bucks, but this one is only 70
Amburgesa: so i need to subscribe to that catolog right?
Salem6824: velvet and everything
Amburgesa: would you recomend fangs or is that going too far?
Salem6824: WAAAAY too far
Salem6824: Concrete rule #6: do NOT NOT NOT be a vampire!
Salem6824: that is the quickest way to be not goth!
Amburgesa: why????!!1
Amburgesa: o my god i dont wana ruin my gothness
Salem6824: vampires arent goth
Salem6824: vampires are posers
Amburgesa: o i see what happens when you are with a gothic guy and your makup rubs of on oneanother?
Salem6824: he's usually wearing makeup too
Salem6824: so it dosnt make much of a difference
Amburgesa: i get it
Amburgesa: so now am i a true goth?
Salem6824: if you want to be
Salem6824: do you feel goth yet?
Amburgesa: o I am defenatly fealing the deathness of it all
Salem6824: death? death isnt goth, no matter what goths try to tell you. goth is about beauty. death sucks.
Amburgesa: o ok but i still feal gothic
Salem6824: good. then you are.
Salem6824: as long as you *feel* goth, you are the gothest goth
Amburgesa: YEAH YEAH should i throw a party?
Salem6824: sure
Salem6824: throw a goth party
Amburgesa: really ok what kinda food to the gothic people like?
Salem6824: what kind of food do *you* like?
Salem6824: thats what kind of food goths like.
Amburgesa: o yea i almost foregot i am a goth!!! well i like Cherios alot
Salem6824: i would suggest not eating potato chips, they smear all over your pretty goth cloths
Salem6824: i like cheerios too
Amburgesa: ok i will note that
Amburgesa: ok well i am gona go plan my party thanks!!!!
Salem6824: see ya
Salem6824: drop me a line some time, tell me how the gothness is goin
Amburgesa: ok i will goth sister
This one contacted me, and boy was she MAD! Somebody at church apparently made her put too much into the donation bucket, because she's ready to beat Jesus Christ into a pulp.
Monkey5634: why are goths so funny
KNULPREK: art thou a goth?
Monkey5634: yes
KNULPREK: and you don't find yourself funny?
KNULPREK: watch this... go to the mirror..
KNULPREK: and look
KNULPREK: see that?
KNULPREK: HAHAHAHAHA!! Whoa, boy! Cracks me up EVERY TIME!
KNULPREK: No, but seriously.. tell me.. are you wearing all black right now?
Monkey5634: are you a dumb christ worshiper who has nothing better to do than mess with goths
KNULPREK: oh, let's get real now. do we really have to pick on some guy who created a religion to try and bridge the gap between upper and lower classes? he's been dead for a while now, let's not get all angry.
Monkey5634: good he deserved to die he was no help he's just a poser and a jackass and anyone who follows him should go to hell
KNULPREK: well now. he's a poser? did jesus christ wear tommy hilfiguer attire? please explain how he was a upon the likes of a pseudo-punk rocker.
Monkey5634: Jesus christ was a poser cuz he wanted to be just like God and he thinks he is more powerful than god
KNULPREK: So, as a goth, you are a believer in god. furthermore, you are apparently quite angry that jesus christ had delusions that he WAS god, correct? is this why you're a goth?
Monkey5634: no i don't believe in god i used to untill he let me down God and Christ are 2 fucked up jackass who have to much time on thier hands
KNULPREK: ah. i was let down by god once, too. i prayed. every day. i prayed for a glass of yoo-hoo to appear in my pants. and you know what? it never happened. never. i prayed every night, and every morning i'd wake up, with no yoo-hoo in my pants. if god can't control yoo-hoo, then i hate him. do you like yoo-hoo?
Monkey5634: and who think there so powerful and filthen your mind
KNULPREK: yoo-hoo? i beg to differ. yoo-hoo is a wonderful chocolate drink that does absolutly nothing but quench your thirst. no filthening of the mind with yoo-hoo!
Monkey5634: are u christian
KNULPREK: are you?
Monkey5634: no
KNULPREK: alright then
KNULPREK: You know, my sister prayed for a pony. And god let her down, and sent her a small rodent. Can you believe god? What a joker!
She stopped responding after that. Apparently God was too much of a joker for her.
Now, a question that i'm sure has bothered all of you...
KNULPREK: What happens when a goth breaks a nail?
Saddsoul: she buys da record?
Saddsoul: why do you ask, my child?
KNULPREK: well, i don't know.. it just kind of dawned on me that, with all that work done to make the goth nail so shiny and black, a breaking of the nail might even further ones depression
Saddsoul: hehe....mine are plain..i don't touch them
Saddsoul: but they are not dirty!!
KNULPREK: i wouldn't doubt it.
I just thought this was a pretty funny question..
U Adamedit: have you ever raided the red cross for free samples of blood?
XSuffering: No, but i raided the hospital my mother works at for some
U Adamedit: really?!? they let your mom work in a hospital?
XSuffering: No, Thats my dog
I recieved a letter from a girl named Jennifer who had made a little collection of funny things people said in goth chat rooms, and was kind enough to donate her list to my little page here. And after reading all of these, i just have to wonder.. are they SERIOUS??
Gothic010: i like death
TheMystres: who here enjoys cemetaries?
NIN Halo1x: cemetaries are the best place to think, and feel
Gothic010: you could stalk me but i'd probably kill you
MyraHindly: Diamanda Galas hurts my ears..
MissToilet: I wish I had a bed pan
EcoRules: i was the really tall white guy in black!
Badfish15: i dont know any punks that are gothic you dip shit
IJaysenI: Goth started when Faster Pussycat released that song called "Goth" in '87. DUH
Pulse555: the chances of us getting big are about as good as an amputtee winning the superbowl
Diabolycas: who is a fallen angel just like me
Diabolycas: im so gothic that my dog doesnt say say bow wow, its bauhaus
RIP ANGEL: for some reason i feel so goth im like all sad and depressed and shit
RIP ANGEL: so now to be really goth i gotta complain to you guys
Skeletals: if there were 2 of me, one could go to the club and one could clean the house
O9o9o9yo: wow.. has anyone here been on the ricki lake show because they are a freak??
HangingGrn: i wasn't normal then either, i had to look normal for my parents
Skeletals: i was running out of hairspray and had to make a run to walgreens
O9o9o9yo: awesome is not a very goth word, you know.
O9o9o9yo: can I repeat this question, any NYC undeaders here?
O9o9o9yo: goths never have fun, you know..
ClTyiNduSt: anyone know if the new Propaganda is out?
Sin 1369: everyone used to tell me that if 90210 had a freak, I would be him.
FckGod: Smoking is so trendy
Fixed291: I hate stuck up goths
PsychtiCat: wicca is for those little "im sooo spooky i can put a spell on you" types
BerZay: i call disneyland..dismalland
Okey.. this one just completly confused me. I mean, these kids say some dumb things sometimes, but this is the first goth i've seen that appears to think that they're FORCED into being a goth, and instead of complaining about how the world is a pain, they complain about how being a GOTH is a pain. Oh, i'm lost.
SpncrsGoth: wanna know what goth is?
GrrlFight: certainly do
SpncrsGoth: it is pretension, being bitchy, being pretty, being blasphemous, and denying that you are goth.
GrrlFight: oh so.. its a glamour dont. .its all about yr lame image..
SpncrsGoth: actually i don't look goth
GrrlFight: So, do u read about vampires a lot ?
GrrlFight: is *THAT* goth ?
SpncrsGoth: actually i'm more into gay literature myself.
GrrlFight: oh really..
SpncrsGoth: yes really
GrrlFight: so why isnt' yr SN SpncrsGay
SpncrsGoth: cause i ain't gay
GrrlFight: hmm.. ok..
GrrlFight: So yr goth just cos u havean attitude problem ?
SpncrsGoth: actually, i don't have an attitude problem until someone throws shitty stereotypes at me.
GrrlFight: oooh really.. is thAT so ?
GrrlFight: well.. pity for you..
SpncrsGoth: ehhhh. fuck off
GrrlFight: hey yOU IM'd mE
SpncrsGoth: to answer your question. you gave me shit. you gave me attitude.
GrrlFight: ooh is that so..
GrrlFight: GOnna suck my blood now ?
SpncrsGoth: nope.
SpncrsGoth: <<not a vampire
GrrlFight: oh daRn..
SpncrsGoth: and get off the stereotypes already
GrrlFight: cos.. that.. that's Goth.
SpncrsGoth: not really
GrrlFight: oh.. so than for real i really am curious.. .please.. disprove my stereotypes and inform me to what GOTH reaLLy is
SpncrsGoth: what is goth? music, style, culture, a way of life
GrrlFight: What do u mean culture ?
SpncrsGoth: i mean culture. most real goths are fans of fine art and classical music.
GrrlFight: Hmm..
SpncrsGoth: ...
GrrlFight: and what do u mean way of life ?
SpncrsGoth: a way of life... a life different than you can imagine...
GrrlFight: how so ?
SpncrsGoth: okay... imagine getting strange looks, being followed by security/police constantly, being forced to look good whenever you even take out the trash, the tortures of vinyl and pvc
GrrlFight: i go through that..
SpncrsGoth: what group do you belong to?
GrrlFight: "Punk" if u will.
SpncrsGoth: blah to punk. yeah you have it sooooo hard...
SpncrsGoth: when was the last time you had to spend $300 on vinyl just to avoid being called cheap?
GrrlFight: say what ?
SpncrsGoth: i say being punk is easy, aside from the measly 30 mins to spike your hair, you can shop a thrift store, i have to shop designer stores
SpncrsGoth: if i could be any other way i would...
SpncrsGoth: but expensive things make me feel like i'm worth something.
GrrlFight: Honestly.. its sad to hear that.
SpncrsGoth: blah. i have my reasons.
What kills me about this one is that we never really do learn when it's too much...
KNULPREK: Okey.. if you could choose one superpower, which would it be: the ability to die on command, the ability to convey sorrow and mournful feelings to others, or the ability to make happy rainbows and dancing laughing teddybears appear in little children's rooms, which would you pick?
DeathlyIll: the ability to convey sorrow on others
KNULPREK: who would you convey it on? you know who i think? i think it should be on that Richard Simmons guy.. somebody needs to do something about those shorts, you know what i'm saying?
DeathlyIll: ummm id convey it on whoever i think is too happy....i like Richard Simmons, he makes me giggle...
KNULPREK: and you don't like to giggle, then?
DeathlyIll: i like to!
KNULPREK: but that's not too happy?
DeathlyIll: no
DeathlyIll: i mean like seriously happy all the time people who never stop smiling
KNULPREK: is, say, giggling a lot too happy?
DeathlyIll: no
KNULPREK: what about a really hearty giggle? like, 10 minutes? ten minutes of giggling?
DeathlyIll: no
KNULPREK: twenty?
DeathlyIll: no
KNULPREK: say Richard Simmons followed you around everywhere, and you were giggling everywhere you went for.. oh, say, a month. is that too much?
DeathlyIll: id kill him after less than a week...one can only take so much of him
KNULPREK: boy, that would make me giggle!
I wasn't really sure where i was going to go with this question. Apparently, not too far.
KNULPREK: Okey, so you're eating a big juicy rare steak, and you start choking.. now, do you ask for someone to give you the heimlich, or would you rather embrace death?
Falcon 830: steak sounds good right now...
Falcon 830: if i'm choking i can't exactly ask someone to give me the heimlich.
Falcon 830: but i'd say yes i'd let them... i'd rather not die with a piece of meat stuck in my throat.
KNULPREK: well, there's a connotation for you!
Thought i'd try talking like the goths... which didn't get me very far.
KNULPREK: have you ever drank a pint of blood by the moonlit sky?
Of Emerald: not recently
KNULPREK: but you have in the past, like the lamb coming to its end?
Of Emerald: i did drink root beer once though. now that's some good stuff!
KNULPREK: was it the root beer of the martyrs -- those who welcomed death with a cold kiss and fading touch?
Of Emerald: i didn't ask it
Of Emerald: so i really couldn't tell ya
KNULPREK: well, you're hardly goth then, methinks
I think we've all wondered, at one point or another, whether wearing all that black gets you in trouble when the lights go out. Here, faithful ponderers, is your long-awaited answer:
KNULPREK: do you think death bumps into things at night, wearing all that black?
CrYiNgCuRe: mostlikely not.
KNULPREK: do you ever bump into things at night, wearing all black?
CrYiNgCuRe: uhhh nope
KNULPREK: what about black cats? they ever bump into you at night, being all black?
CrYiNgCuRe: yes
KNULPREK: do they meow, or maul you?
CrYiNgCuRe: both
KNULPREK: which do you like better?
CrYiNgCuRe: im indifferent
CrYiNgCuRe: gee didnt i specify intelligent conversation on my profile...?
KNULPREK: what if it mauled you to death? boy, then you could find out if death bumps into things at night, wearing all black!
CrYiNgCuRe: this hardly constitutes as intelligent.
KNULPREK: care to discuss NAFTA?
KNULPREK: do you think NAFTA bumps into things at night, wearing all black?
CrYiNgCuRe: i dont know who that is
KNULPREK: well, that isn't very intelligent!
Seems this one won't be doing any trade in North America anytime soon.
Everyone's favorite song!
KNULPREK: come on, now, sing along! "You put your whole soul in..."
Dethnita: ::trying to understand::
KNULPREK: "you take your whole soul out..."
Dethnita: i think "you shake you soul about"
KNULPREK: that's right! "you do the hokey mopey and you mope yourself about..."
Dethnita: "that's what's its all about" or something
KNULPREK: GREAT! have YOU ever played the Hokey Mopey?
Dethnita: uh
Dethnita: wasn't that it?
KNULPREK: why, i guess it was!
Dethnita: ::jumping for joy:: hmm...
KNULPREK: you know what i hate? every time i do the hokey mopey, i tear my stockings. all that in and out with the soul. it's so tiring.
Dethnita: awwww
Dethnita: if its so tiring..why don't you stop?
KNULPREK: well, the more i go, the more i suffer. that's what the Hokey Mopey is all about!
Well, here's a nice sign of hope from Bonnie. It's not a conversation, but it's heart-warming nonetheless.
I used to be a goth, i am ashamed to say, but after many years of doom and gloom, i started to see the light (literally). so one day, whilst shopping for something suitibly black and depressing for my nights entertainment, i came across a lovely frock, that i wanted with all my heart, and *gasp* it wasn't black-not even close-it was an obnoxious shade of hot pink with some glittery silver logo on it...TOO barbie for words. I had to have it, and i figured, hell , i was goth, people knew me, i can wear my barbie shirt if i damn well please. So, that night i doned the shirt, and attempted to incorperate the offending shirt with more suitable attire, mainly some hidiously uncomfortable vinal pants, threw on a few dog collars for good measure.
Well, i walked into the So-Goth-It-Hurts club, and you'd thought i'd just thrown holy water on the little devients eyes. People were just droping their glasses of chartrues and clove cigerattes in wonder and disqust. I however, knew my reign as a gothchik was quickly comng to an end, because, i loved it, dammitt! All the silly death and pretentiosness was just beyond me, and i knew i was a better person for it. Well, that little epfinany was not the end of it. That night i had also elected to take a certain mind altering substance, which just gave me the giggles to no end (another goth no-no), and conincidently, found a friend who had partaken in the same drug. well, when dancing to some skreaching shit, the inanity of the whole scene hit me up side the head, and i started laughing uncontrollabley. Apparently, my friend also had the same observation, because, before long, we had collapsed on the dance floor, amist all the deathwhores, practically peeing ourselfs in histerics.
In one particualare laughing fit, my leg jerked out into the twitching masses, and tripped one, and he in turn, pulled down another on his ungracfully demise to the floor, and, then another fell. It was a mass exodus of gloom and doom tumbling down like dommino's. Admist the confusion, i skuried out of the club, fearing a public lynching.
Since that night, i have embraced all that is happy and colorful, and have fond memories of dropping half that club on their pathetic pretensios asses. So, in hind site, what have i learned from this experience? I have learned that gothness and all its trappings are mearly a cult-like exsistance, wrapped up in a disqise of a sense of belonging, which is further hiden in a false hope of being a so-called "non=comformist" (and inccidentally, how is this non-conformist? isn't every one just trying to look like everyone else in that particulare scene?). To save one's self, embrace the anti-goth: embrace barbie,embrace a gloworm, or those nifty little my-little ponies. No one came tearing out of their momma with black lipstick on, and one certainly shouldn't go through life wearing it.
So, have we learned anything? Sure we have. Goths really are funny.
Enough of this depression.
Let's go back to...
Look! It's a secret message. Pretty creepy that not everyone will see this, huh? Such is the way of the dark side.