HOME II: SCRAPPY

MY SORROW IS NOT FUNKY SHIT

I'll tell you what i did one Halloween, since it's rather funny. Me and four friends went trick-or-treating. I was a clown with a vampire face. If you can't concoct a reasonable mental image, i'll help you out:

So anyway, we get to the first house, and the lady opens the door and looks at the five of us and says "This is disgusting!" Haha! We're disgusting. What a great story.

I was listening to the radio a while ago, and they were quoting some random person that thinks they're important, and therefore got an interview about something, and this person called something "Rampant Hardcore Smut." Well, i thought this was so great that i wrote it down in hopes of eventually doing something with it. And you know what? I did.. it's on this here website now. Wow.

So i'm walkin' along, and it's raining, but hey, i don't mind because i'm not going to melt and my hair can't really get any bigger, so i just keep walking. I'll dry off. No big deal. But then i get in the building and realize that my shoes have gotten more water than they can handle, and my socks are now wet! And these socks are in the shoes, which are also wet, so they're never going to dry! For the rest of the day, i have to wear wet socks! What an awful predicament!

You know what's great? When you're washing your face, and your face is covered in soap, and then you breathe out of your nose, and you blow a huge soap bubble out of your nose. That is GREAT! I love doing that! Except, when it pops, soap fragments go all over the mirror, and then you have a messed up mirror. But hey, all's fair in fun and bubbles.

The nation is soon going to be presented with a "competency" test for high school seniors. Isn't that just wonderful? So, now, instead of a student just being told he/she's an idiot for doing poorly on the SATs, they can now be lovingly informed that they're incompetent for failing the "competency" test. Boy, do i love that nurturing feeling school gives off.

I wish i had something witty or funny or mildly entertaining in this sentence.

The two most useless items of clothing are a hat and a tie because, really, what do they do for you? Cover your hair and almost choke you? Great. That's just great. So, this leads to the obvious question: why does Yogi Bear only wear a hat and a tie? If he's going to wear some clothes, it might as well be useful clothing.

I've always wondered what would happen if you put a large elephant in a tiny room with a small German man named Jimmy. If anyone has ever done this, please tell me.

I think farting is funny. Maybe it's the noise, maybe it's the expression on the person's face who was trying to hide it, maybe it's just my immature love for bathroom humor. Whatever the case, i find it to be quite amusing. But, i also have thought of something rather disturbing in the farting realm: Whenever you smell a fart, you're breathing in air that was just recently coming out of someone's rectum. Now.. tell me that isn't disgusting!

I haven't watched the Smurfs in a good couple of years, but i watched them one morning not too long ago and came up with one very perplexing question: What is the definition of "Smurf?" Now, don't just to conclusions and say "Jason, you dumb bastard, a Smurf is a small blue human-like thing that has one defining personality trait and lives in a mushroom house" because you'd be wrong. Why are you wrong? Well, for the simple reason that the Smurfs seemingly at random substitute words for the word "smurf." Example: During the episode i watched, i heard the lines "Keep your smurfs crossed!" (substituting "fingers" for "smurfs"), "All's well that smurfs well" (substituting "ends" for "smurfs") and "That's smurfy!" (substituting anything from "cool" to "groovy" with "smurfy"). So, what exactly IS the definition of smurf? It seems to have so many definitions that it's un-definable. Quite possibly that book of magic that Papa Smurf keeps reading is actually just a dictionary with the definitions of Smurf. That must get quite confusing. You could theoretically go up to a Smurf and say "Smurf smurfy smurf smurfs smurf smurfy!" and be misinterpreted for saying "You know, i like you.. about as much as i like VOMITING!" This could probably cause quite a commotion in Smurf-land, especially if you were only trying to say something like "Where's the bathroom?"

While on the topic of Smurfs, it also occurred to me that the Spice Girls could have very well gotten the idea for their whole namesakes from the Smurfs. Think about it: Greedy Smurf. Baby Spice. Grouchy Smurf. Ginger Spice. Well, you get the point. [Blank] Smurf and [Blank] Spice. These Spice Girls aren't very original. Of course, "Smurfette" and the absence of a "Slut Spice" don't fit the theory. I may have to fine-tune it a bit more. I'll get back to you on this.

If you're in a bookstore, and you need to go to the bathroom.. can you take a book off the shelf for reading material? You're not stealing it, and they wouldn't have any problem if you took the book and walked halfway across the store with it, so is it actually legal to take it into the bathroom with you? Something to think about...

Are you fully aware of exactly how funny windshield wipers are? If not, please do the following: Next time you're going for a drive, put your windshield wipers up. (Yes, you can do that.. just pull them up so they stand up straight) If you have a back wiper, this gets even funnier. Now, turn them on and start driving! Your car starts waving to everyone! It looks like it's trying to fly! Look at everyone around you.. they're all laughing at you. But you know what? You already know about it, so you're really laughing at them! Haha! Laugh with me, folks... haha!!

Another fun thing to do with windshield wipers is to put them up on other people's parked cars. No damage done, but boy does it look funny. Especially when there's a whole parking lot with their wipers standing at attention like a bunch of idiot soldiers. We used to do this in my high school's school parking lot until the most anal man alive (the dean) caught us and made one of my friends go around putting them all down. Yet, someone has followed our lead and went around and did the ENTIRE PARKING LOT! It was unbelievable. I was in awe. Wow. Anyway, try that. It's great.

For anyone who sings in the car.. observe: I sing in the car all the time. I mean, there are many occasions on which i don't feel like singing, and then i'll just quietly drive or whistle or something, but i definitely do my share of singing. But never had i realized how ridiculous i look.. until i saw someone else singing. There i am, sitting in traffic, and i look in my rear-view mirror and see some lady singing. Oh lordy, was it one of the funniest things i've ever seen!! She looked SO STUPID! I just sat there and laughed at her.. then i realized.. "uh-oh.. that's how I look!!" Of course, i haven't stopped singing because, well, if people want to laugh at me then they can just go right ahead. But, don't think you're not being watched! And, when you are being watched, you're being laughed at!! Haha!!

Mirrors in front of toilets? I ask you: why?

If i need to be woken up, you know what i don't want the first thing i hear in the morning to be? EEH EEH EEH EEH. That awful buzzing sound that cheap alarm clocks make. I can't listen to them when i'm CONSCIOUS, let alone feel comfortable letting them rip me into consciousness. That really has to be the worst sound i've ever heard. I'd rather listen to the Olsen twins quote their favorite lines from Full House than listen to that awful buzz.

Ever wonder why people always act as if they're concerned as to how other people are doing? I mean, don't get me wrong.. i'm all for compassion, and if one of my friends are feeling bad i'm highly concerned.. but, when you just pass someone randomly, you tend to say something along the lines of "Hey, how ya doin?" Rest of the conversation always goes as follows: "Fine, you?" "Oh, not too bad." "That's good." End of conversation. There's nothing to say after that. Yet, here's what strikes me: Out of the conversation, the last thing you're actually concerned about it how the person is doing. What were to happen if someone said to me "Hey, how ya doin?" in the hallways or something, and i said "I've never felt worse in my entire life"? Would they stop to console? Would they do anything? Has anyone ever done this? I'm really curious, but i don't want to go through the trouble of making up some reason for why life is so awful. But, if anyone has done this, please tell me!

I was driving home from work one day, and the traffic was AWFUL. I mean, it just wasn't moving. I moved about a mile every 10 minutes. This was what you would commonly refer to as 'bad traffic.' Then, all of a sudden, i see a car accident off the side of the road. Then i look ahead of me, and the traffic had cleared up! Basic summary: The traffic was caused by people slowing down to look at the car accident. Why are people so awfully stupid? Why is it so important that they see this car accident? Two people are idiots and collide, and the rest of humanity has to gawk. I picture a whole field of sheep. The farmer comes out, and walks around the barn. All the sheep turn their heads to watch the farmer. The farmer walks. The sheep’s' eyes are peeled. The farmer gets out of sight, and the sheep go back to their original business. The farmer didn't do anything exciting, but for some reason all these idiot sheep were watching him! That's humanity. Humanity is one collective idiot. I'm ashamed to be a part of it. We started out on four legs, and we were stupid. Now we're on four wheels, and we're just as stupid. Only some of us have less hair.

This is a true story: I was in a hotel room dreaming away when all of a sudden, in my dream, i magically popped into some hotel room with a phone next to it. The phone was ringing. I pick it up, and the voice on the phone says "Hey, Jason, wake up.. the phone's ringing." So, i wake up and sure enough.. the phone's ringing. It was one of those annoying wake-up calls that you program in the morning because you need to get up, but REALLY regret when it's ringing in your face at 6:30 in the morning. But anyway, that was a pretty strange string of events, so i thought i'd share them.

This question has been bothering me for a while: Can you steal something if it's free? I'm not even sure what this question could be in reference to, but it popped into my head a while ago and i can't seem to figure it out. So, any thoughts on the subject would be highly appreciated.

Know what i had a problem with when i was younger? Deciding what i should do with my arms. I'm not talking amputation here.. but, i mean, when i was standing there talking to someone or walking down the street or watching tv.. what do i do with my arms? They just hang there! If there's no reason to make any gestures while talking, what becomes of them? Just let them hang there like dead skin? Stick my hands in my pocket? Fiddle with something? And when i'm walking.. swing the arms? They don't swing naturally, so i'd have to concentrate on swinging them, which would then produce a 'super-swing' that would look highly unnatural. Anyway, somewhere along the way i figured out what to do with my arms, and the problem was no longer there. I can't, however, actually say what that something is.. if i concentrate on it, i'll probably go back to thinking about what i should do with them. Oh, arms.. when they're not being useful, they are mighty useless!!

I am not a religious person. If there was any way to prove that to you, this next paragraph will do just that. Anyway, if you're not aware of this, the Christians have a belief that Jesus Christ will come back to earth one day. Now, let's assume that Jesus Christ really does exist, he really is the creator of this immense religion, and he really is the son of god. So.. it's been 2,000 years. Why hasn't he come back? Ladies and gentlemen.. call up the God Channel, because i've got an answer! Firstly, who's the big chief in this religion? The Pope. And if Jesus came back, it would be safe to assume he'd be of a higher rank in this whole religion thing than the Pope is. The Pope has been committed to a life of celibacy, so it would be safe to say that Jesus, if he reappeared on earth, would be expected to do quite the same. The Pope does it, the ministers do it.. all the big cahoonas of the Christian faith refrain from sex, and Jesus would be higher and mightier than them so it would naturally be assumed that he would do the same. So, that being said, why doesn't Jesus come back as the messiah? Because he wouldn't get laid. If that man is going to take human form, you better believe that he's going to want a piece of the action! "Line up those Christian sluts," he'd say. And they'd all look at him and be very confused. Mass panic would erupt. What girl is going to have sex with Jesus? If i was a girl, i'd be scared as hell to have sex with god's son. Especially if i believed that god saw everything i did! I wouldn't touch the man! So, simply put: Jesus will never come back to Earth as the messiah because he wouldn't get any. End of story. I wish they'd put this in the Bible.

When holding an eyelash on a finger, it's custom to make a wish and blow it off. I'm a big fan of this custom because there have been many wishes that i've bestowed upon eyelashes that have come true. But, what happens if you blow and the eyelash doesn't actually leave your finger? This scares me. It would seem to be that the eyelash it telling you that there is no way your wish is coming true, or that, in fact, the opposite will happen. And what of two eyelashes? Is that double-effect on the wish, or does it backfire and cancel the wish out? Can you therefore only wish on an odd number of eyelashes? What i'm getting at here is that i'd feel much more comfortable with this eyelash phenomenon if there was some kind of rule book or explanation to all the possible scenarios of wishing upon an eyelash. If i ever write one, i'll be sure to post it.

wht wld th wrld b lk wtht vwls?

Why does everyone believe that Seinfeld is actually about nothing? It's amazing that the idea that the premise was "nothing" actually caught on. The premise wasn't about nothing, because EVERY SIT COM is about nothing! Technically, Seinfeld is about four friends who live their lives. Full house? A bunch of boring people who aren't funny and live their lives with the hell-spawned Olsen Twins. Friends? Boring people who live their lives and have sex with each other. Boy Meets World? Boring boy who lives his life. Don't you see? Every show is just about these people and their lives. They're all about nothing, or Seinfeld is about something.. it just depends on how you want to look at it. But it's true. Stop believing that crap.

There must be a reason why there are so many high school/college kids that are under this false impression that they're hippies. They seem to be out of that informational loop that informed the rest of us that all the hippies died of overdoses or STDs about 20 years ago. All that are left are the ones that cut their hair and became parents and the ones that had bad flashbacks and now wander around barren parts of Arizona singing "Drivin' that train..." All these kids now that don't shower, smoke that disgusting plant, and travel around the country so they can pay 50 dollars, sit at a Phish concert, and take drugs that make them think they're somewhere BESIDES the Phish concert are about as close to being hippies as they are to smelling like anything i'd want to be within a 15-mile radius of. I really wish they'd knock it off. When are they going to figure it out? It's so sad. So sad.

Here's when life becomes completely intolerable: You wake up in the morning and do your normal 'wake up in the morning' stuff, and then slowly make your way over to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Expecting to enjoy a nice bowl of cereal, you take out a bowl and a box of cereal, and you pour yourself a hefty helping. Then you head for the refrigerator, and realize that there's NO MILK!! What are you to do? You can't eat the stupid stuff dry, and you're sure as hell not wasting valuable cereal.. so, you're forced to pour the cereal BACK into the box, which of course means that the cereal will go in every possibly direction EXCEPT towards the box. This is when i'd like to just check out of life for a while.. i'll come back when someone's cleaned up the cereal. Or, maybe someone'll just buy some milk.

My friend Josh and i were in the school gym one morning helping fix some scoreboard problem, and there happened to be a game of kickball being held by a 6th grade P.E. class. The class was pretty small.. about 12 kids.. so that didn't make for very many people on each team. Therefore, the P.E. teacher asked if we would join the teams for a while. Now, be warned of this: Remember that kid in elementary school that would always let everyone cut them in line in the batting order so that they never actually had to kick the ball, then when it was time to be in the field, they would be right next to whoever the best player on the team was so that they wouldn't have to do anything? Well, that was me. I hated kickball. I was terrible at it, i was always picked last, and it was awful. And now, here i am.. six years older than these kids, and i'm back playing kickball. Well, folks.. this time i was going to kick some ass. I started in the field, and i took the spot i figured would have a ball actually come towards it. Nope. No ball. Then, it was time to bat. I was third in line, (i was really fourth, but some kid asked me to cut him) and by the time i got up, one of the kids had gotten on base. Pitcher pitches, and i kick that sucker into the wall. Foul. Second pitch, and i kick it straight across the gym and take off for first base. I stop at first base. Ladies and gentlemen.. for the first time in my amateur kickball career, i had made it to first base. Then, the pitcher gets the ball, calmly walks over to me, and tags me out. I started whining, "Why can't i stay on first??" Why? I wasn't standing on first base. I didn't even know where first base was! I was like, 10 feet away from it, just standing there like an idiot. The kids gave me the benefit of the doubt, told me where first base was, and so i went and stood on it. Then, the next kid kicks, and i take off for second base. I stop on second, quite proud of myself that in a game of sixth-grade kickball where i'm this immense guy, i have gotten to second base. Then, as if you couldn't guess this was coming.. the pitcher once again comes over to me and tags me out. I was standing like 5 feet away from second base. (Oh.. there weren't plates. Don't think i'm an idiot here. The bases were just imaginary.. all the kids somehow knew where they were, but.. well, not me.) Once again, i was given the benefit of the doubt, CLEARLY shown where third base was in the slim chance i'm making it there, and then the game continued.. next kid bats, and i take off like hell to third, round it, and make my way home. So, two missed bases and six years later, i made it home. Triumph at last. The end.

I'm sure you have something like this in your lives: Something that is there; you don't know how it got there, but you don't want to mess with it. For me, this describes a small piece of popcorn that rests comfortably in the back seat of my car. I've never eaten popcorn in my car, so i haven't a CLUE how it got there. But every day when i'm backing out of my driveway, i look at this piece of popcorn and think about throwing it out of my car. But, i can't do that! I don't know how that got there, and i don't understand why it's always in the same place regardless of how many people have sat in that backseat and then, theoretically, right on top of the popcorn! And why does nobody notice the popcorn when they sit back there? This popcorn must be a little bit more than your average popcorn. It's always in the same place.. it never turns around. This is magical popcorn. I'm not throwing that out of my car! If i did, i bet my car would just fall apart. That popcorn isn't to be messed with. I shouldn't even be questioning it on here!

Point in case. The above paragraph was written two days before this one was. Now, as i said in there, you SHOULDN'T question these strange occurrences of things you can't quite figure out. It's like a line from The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy (superb book, might i add. One of the six books i've read under my own volition in the past four years) that said something like "Some say that as soon as the Universe is figured out, it will disappear and be replaced with something even more perplexing. Others say that's already happened." Anyway.. where's my point? One day after i write the above paragraph, my dad takes my car to be cleaned, and he THROWS OUT THE POPCORN! The popcorn is no more. It's gone. Thrown out, and it's really all my fault. I tempted fate, and see what happened? Learn from my mistake, folks. Don't ever tell anyone about this type of thing. It'll just hitch-up and leave your life.

What do you do when you see an incredibly large and disgusting bug creeping its way through your carpet or various home furnishings? Unless you're the type of person who refuses to kill bugs, you squash the thing. You don't even think twice about it. Just, take your shoe or tissue or some other killing devise and you make sure that thing has seen its last bread crumb. Why? Basically, because you can't tell it to go away. There's no verbal communication between you and the bug, and if you kindly put the thing outside there's a chance it'll come back. And you can't be friends with it because it doesn't understand you, and it might bite or climb over you. There's a lack of communication between humans and bugs, and so the humans kill the bugs. Why is this relevant to anything? War. War and bugs. They're the same exact thing. Say America is at war with Japan. Well, America can't COMMUNICATE with the Japanese, and anything America says won't be received by them, and if we leave them alone they might bite or climb on top of America. So, what's left? Send some people over there and kill them. It seems to be human nature's only way of non-verbal communication: Killing. "Oh, you don't understand? Well, maybe if i blow your head off then you'll have a better idea." What a ridiculous concept. Soon enough, people are going to be walking into restaurants and blowing heads off for speaking another language. "I'm POINTING to the stupid apple pie! I don't want CHERRY pie! Who do you think you ARE?" Bam. Dead. Humans and human nature irritate me. I can't communicate with any of them.. maybe i should just kill 'em all.

I am convinced that there are extra terrestrials out there. It's so blatantly obvious. I look up at the sky and see this endless void of space and, quite frankly, it would be a sad state of affairs if this planet was the only one that supported life. An entire universe, where we probably haven't even explored 1% of it, and this planet is the only one with life? Wouldn't you think that there'd be smarter life out there? This planet is full of idiots. We have opossums that walk into traffic, lemmings that hurl themselves off cliffs, praying mantises that eat their mates, and well.. humans.. i think if you've read enough of this page then that's pretty self-explanatory. The only animal that's smart enough to be deserving of a spot in the universe is a lion, which as my friend Andres pointed out, sleeps 20 hours and spends the other 4 eating or having sex. What more exactly can you want out of life? That's unbelievable. They figured it out. Here this human race is running around worrying about building nuclear bombs and how to make low-fat cookies, and all we really need to do is sleep, eat, and have sex. Anyway.. i'm getting off the subject. So, basically, the earth is a pretty sad planet as far as intelligence goes. Therefore, we CAN'T be the only ones in the universe. And today i found an impressive argument.. Article 14 of Section 1211 in the book of Federal Regulation Codes makes it illegal for a U.S. citizen to "come in contact with any extraterrestrials or their vehicles." This law went into effect in 1963. Now, why would you write a law for this if there's no such thing? For every law, there was an idiot who did something to bring about the law. You think they just came up with the "slow down when there's a blind person in a pedestrian walkway" law for common courtesy? Obviously, something provoked this law, and it was obviously aliens. (not the blind person one.. i'm sure aliens would know to slow down. Unlike another species that i'm familiar with, that would probably speed up) Furthermore, any new lawbook under Art.14 Sec.1211 will tell you that you need to look into NASA's lawbooks to get a transcription of this law.. and most of NASA's lawbooks are top secret. This doesn't sit well with the notion of being alone in the universe. I think this one is pretty much wrapped up now. If there's an alien out there reading this.. if you don't have any intentions of sticking metal rods up my ass and nose, then get me out of this planet. Thank you.

I need a pudding in my place.

If you ever want to see something rather unappetizing, then watch me eat fish (although, i've turned vegitarian since writing this paragraph). I, who was opposed to dissection in biology and opted to dissect a virtual frog on a computer (where you took the knife, made an incision on its foot, and all of a sudden its pancreas pops out. very accurate program.), cut up fish like there's no tomorrow. By the time i'm done, the parts i've relegated to "scrap fish" is more than the actual fish i've eaten. Why do i feel the need to do this? The black thing on the bottom. If the fish isn't prepared by some imported chef with at least 7 silent letters in his name, then it's going to have this strip of blackness on the bottom of it. I will not eat this strip. I will not eat it on a fish, i will not eat it if you wish. I will not try to imitate Dr. Seuss anymore. So anyway, this blackness is just plain gross. What is it? Nobody knows. Is it skin? Is it fat? Is it part of another fish they accidentally left on? It's unexplainable. I shall not eat anything unexplainable. I bet the only guy that knows what this black stuff is would be the imported chef that only knows enough english to say "Fuck you, we're out of salt." So, it appears we'll never know what this black thing is. And, until we do, i'm not eating it.

Humanity never ceases to make itself dumber. I'm sure all of you are familiar with the gag of super-glueing a coin to the floor then sitting around and watching people try and pick it up. This gag , although i'm sure as old as coins, was brought to the public eye with the movie Empire Records. Anyway, someone in my school decided to do this. Yet, they decided to be cheap and use a penny. Fine. I'm sure it'll still work.. if they didn't GLUE IT DOWN ON TAILS! Nobody picks up tails pennies! Well, most people don't. It's that age-old superstition that it's unlucky. So, if you're going to glue a penny down, you best glue it heads. Because nobody's going to try to pick up the penny on tails anyway. So, their trick failed. Idiots. They deserve the failure. I'm surprised they didn't glue themselves to the ground.

I like to think that i'm at least a little more intelligent than the people i go ranting and raving about when i see an amazing display of lack of intelligence. But, i realized today that i am lacking two inherent qualities of intelligence: Learning, and quitting. Let's flush these points out with stories, shall we?

1) Learning from your mistakes. On Friday, i come in contact with a large box of little chocolate things. I like chocolate. Anything can be bad, as long as the chocolate is there. So, i take pocketfulls of these little things, and walk for an hour eating them. But, i still have a ton left and am quickly losing interest in eating them. So, i decide to save them for later, and just keep them in my pocket. What happens towards the end of the day? They opened and melted all over my pocket. Why i didn't see this coming, i have no idea. Anyway, that was bad enough. Then, Monday rolls around, and there's more chocolate. I take some.. but not as many.. and start eating them. I leave two in my pocket, expecting them to be safe and sound for the remainder of the day. Then i reach into my pocket a few hours later, and my hand looks like i just stuck it in my ass. Oh, the horror. Why can't i learn from my mistakes? Why?

2) Quit while you're ahead. I'm in the bathroom of my house, and all of a sudden a fly starts buzzing around. So, i take a few whacks at it.. i miss each time. Those flies are quick bastards. But the fly realizes that it can fly higher than i can reach. So, off to the ceiling it goes. Now, this is when i should have quit. The fly wins. Why do i need to kill it? It's a fly. But no. I don't quit. I grab the plunger and start jumping around attacking the fly from every angle. It wasn't until about two minutes into this that i realized how absolutely absurd this situation is. I'm running around with a plunger in my bathroom chasing a bug. Do i quit then? Of course not. About two minutes later, i ended up nailing the fly with the plunger. Victory. I am so pathetic.

Tax dollars hard at work: There was a scientific study done on those stupid little squishy balls that they call "stress balls." After much research and testing, they came to the stunning conclusion that the balls, in fact, do NOT relieve stress. Now, i hate to mock the scientific community, but they could have just asked me. I could have said "They don't relieve anything" and they could have devoted all that money to something important like AIDS research or how to fix that big blob on Boris Yeltsin's head. But no.. they have to be stupid. What a surprise.

On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate scales from one to ten?

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