Home III: Page
Oh... you said MAYOnaise! Whoops.
If you take a bunch of people and stick them in front of the television during one of those "Observe the mating habits of the African toucan" shows, they would point and laugh at the stupid dances and noises that these birds make. "How are they attracted to that?" they cry. "Damn, they're idiot animals!" howl the people. Then they go to dance clubs, where they make their bodies pulsate to music that nobody really listens to. Personally, i'm more attracted to the mating dances of these birds. Good god. These people bop around, swing their arms around, try to look seductive while trying not to suffocate from the awful smoke around the room and making sure that Bongord The Conqueror (the big sweaty guy) doesn't drip on them. This is attractive? Why can't people talk anymore? No more of meeting and greeting. Now it's all back to the mating dance. We're all African toucans.
I went to the mall today to get some pizza, and as i ask for my slice of cheese the guy behind the counter says "What, you don't like Subway anymore?" Now, i've never been asked this while getting a slice of pizza, so i was a bit taken aback. The guy goes on to explain that he used to work at this Subway that i went to like, twice. He knew what i ordered, including the fact that i got cookies instead of chips. "I never forget a face," the man tells me. I don't like this one bit. When i go into a fast food restaurant.. or ANY restaurant for that matter.. i don't want to have what i ate etched in stone. I want to eat, and get out without having it as recorded history. Must we all wear hockey masks when eating now to protect our identities? This man has a mental record of every person that walked into that Subway, and what they ordered. It's too bad the CIA can't use sandwich preference for anything, or this guy would be gold. Instead, though, he's just some guy that works at a pizza place. But i guess next time i won't have to say "slice of cheese." ..he'll just know.
You know what i saw while driving home on the highway tonight? An airplane. Sitting in the middle of the highway. I have no idea what it was doing there, but i know where an airplane belongs, and that's in the AIR. Not the highway. Anyway, moving on..
It's been ingrained into our minds that when someone sneezes, we say "bless you." I've heard a million stories as to why this is, and frankly, i don't care. What i do care about, though, is a reason why we don't say anything when someone coughs. It's pretty much the same thing, and yet for this one we never say anything. When i was a little kid, whenever someone would sneeze of cough, i sat there and tried to decide if it which one it was, and then i'd have to try and remember which one warranted some form of verbal response, and which one was supposed to be ignored. By the time i completed the mental process, i was way past the time of saying "bless you" and just appeared rude. But really, why DO we ignore coughs? When someone coughs, we just act like it didn't happen. If there's no accepted societal response, than we shun the cough. Nope. No cough here. But if they start coughing many times in succession, then we ask "are you okey?" If they say yes, then we're relieved. If they say no, then we stand there blindly not knowing what to do, wishing we hadn't asked in the first place. What's to do when someone says no? Nothing. You've just got to let them deal with it. You're not sticking your hand down their mouth and retrieving whatever it is that's causing their convulsions. Nope. You just sit there. Look around frantically to see if, by some magical chance, a doctor in scrubs is walking by. Of course, that doesn't happen unless you're on the set of E.R. So, you sit there. And when they're done, there's still nothing to say. No "bless you" to wrap the whole event up. You sit there in awkward silence for a moment, and watch them come back to life. Then you move on, and act like it didn't happen.
Sure, we all know that cops are bastards. But, there's this stereotype in everyone's minds that cops just sit around and eat donuts. I subscribe to this stereotype because, frankly, i don't like cops so anything negative upon them is wonderful for me. But this evening me and a few friends went into Krispy Kreme, and low and behold, there were two cops sitting in there! So, we struck up donut conversation with them, and asked if they're afraid of stepping into a donut shop because of the preconceived notion that cops love donuts. Response: "I don't care! I love donuts!" (i swear i'm not making this up) What's the cop's favorite type of donut? "I don't know! They're all so good! Except the lemon-filled. I don't like lemon." How many can he eat? "Five dozen!" After a little bit of banter, the cop had to leave to pull over some bad guys going 5 mph over the speed limit, but hey, at least he had his donuts. Damn, that cop was fat.
July Fourth. Ahh, the occasion to celebrate a ton of people dying in a war by blowing things up and saying "Ooohh."
I'd have to consider driving the bride and groom away from a wedding after they got married as one of the worst jobs available. How awful must that make one feel? Here you are, driving a car, while your passengers are having sex in the back. That must happen every time. What a lonely occupation. You're certainly not striking up a conversation with the newly-weds back there. "So, how was the wedding?" Because, you'll always get the same response. "Shut up, we're having sex." "Good cake?" "Shut up, we're having sex." "See that Dodgers game last night?" "Shut up, we're having sex." I could go on and on, but i'm sure you get my drift.
When in the course of a person's life to they start to look at the color beige and say "That's a wonderful color for a car."? I can't quite figure it out. Somewhere, there must be a logical explanation as to why every elderly person has a car with that ugly beige color that just screams out "look at me, i'm old!" I doubt they liked beige when they were younger. Personally, i don't like beige. But when i turn 70 will i wake up and say "hey, lets trade in that ugly blue car and get a large beige tank!"
Upon seeing a child in the presence of their parents, it's become a common compliment to tell the parent "he/she looks just like you!" Personally, i think every one-month old baby looks exactly the same, and the characteristics that are shared with anyone older than the age of that one-month landmark is pretty much limited to "well, you both have noses." Now, if the kid is older, then i can understand the comment. But this is where i get confused: what if the kid is ugly? I mean, kids go through ugly stages, but i mean if this kid is just really ugly. Downright disgusting. Now, you've got this parent introducing you to their incredibly grotesque child, and you say "hey, he looks just like you!" Are they offended? There's always that expression "a face only a mother can love" which i pretty much take to mean that if you're a parent you are completely numb to the notion of your child being ugly, but if the kid is SO ugly that it's just about obvious from the Mir Space Station? Then what happens? Does the parent get upset at that? "I'm not as ugly as him/her!" I don't know. This could go in many messy directions. I only ask the questions.
Did you know you can't pull over a cop? If you're going 90 down a highway, a cop can pull you over. But if the cop is aimlessly going 90 down that same highway (as they often do) you can not pull them over. Can't be done. How do i know? I called the police station and asked their very unintelligent secretary this question. She told me it can't be done. Now, this doesn't seem very fair to me. We should have the same right that the cop does. We probably break the law a whole lot less than the stupid uniformed bastard does anyway. Ugh. I'll say it again: they're all stinky goats.
Most major highways have a carpool lane: a lane that between specific hours (rush hour traffic) are only able to be used for cars carrying two or more passengers. But now, what happens if a cop pulls over a person for driving in the carpool lane by themselves but the person is schizophrenic? As far as this person is concerned, there are two people in that car. Would that hold up in court?
Scrambled potatoes. Not mashed, mind you. Scrambled. Served usually as a side-order in diners or as a clump in a paper holding thing at McDonalds during the breakfast hours. What are they? Hashed browns. "But Jason, aren't they HASH browns?" No. No, you simple-minded food-eater. They're hashed browns. In the past tense. This was brought to my attention by a menu at Dennys, where they have it spelt in the past tense. It then occurred to me that, well, they're not being hashed as you eat them. They were previously hashed. Thus, they should be in the past tense. Now i take this to the public. Two friends and one waiter at the Cheesecake Factory disagree with me. My friend John agrees with me and the establishment of Dennys, and says "this debate is something i can really sink my teeth into." This caused me to shiver a bit. But alas, if you have any opinions on the matter (preferably an opinion that sides with my correct answer to this puzzle) then i'd love to hear it. Hashed browns all the way. I only eat them if they're in the past tense.
If you park your car next to a fire hydrant, there's a high possibility it'll be towed. But here's what i'd like to know.. if you park your car on the side of the road, and then someone comes along and quickly builds a fire hydrant next to your car, can your car be immediately towed? Would you be responsible? What a great prank.. portable fire hydrants. Find someone's car you don't like, plant a portable fire hydrant next to it, and watch it get towed! Whee!
So there we are, standing online to see a movie, and there's a couple heavily making out behind my group of friends. We start quietly making PDA comments and so on, but that certainly wasn't going to make them stop. So, i look at my friend Andres and say really loudly "Hey Andres, wanna make out?" It worked. They stopped. I advise doing this next time you want to stop some PDA in your town.
Food critics. Do they ever go hungry? If a food critic is out of work, do they stand on the corner of the street with a sign saying "I'll critique food for food."?
My friend Kevin stayed up until like 8AM one morning, and i don't really have any idea how he occupied his time but he did manage to get online at about 5AM and write me the following story. So, enjoy: "ok so there was this chicken - his name was SAM - he was a smelly chicken - and all the other chickens made fun of him - so one day he goes and gets a gun - you know - a sawed off shotgun - and he robed some convenience store for some deodorant - he stopped smelling - but he was butchered for meat the next day - oh well - the end!" Maybe the moral has something to do with being vegetarian. But then again, Kevin eats meat. So, probably not.
Most pick-up lines are, by definition, very bad. People who use a set pick-up line are quite strange, in my book. That's not to say that some form of snappy entrance isn't welcome. But, ya know, stuff like "Hey, nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" probably doesn't get you very far, unless the person is deaf and blind, or just rarin' to go. But here is, in my opinion, the WORST line. Not to mention that fact that it was actually used. My friend (name shall not be disclosed) was getting a bit intimate with a guy by the name of John Shredni. All of a sudden, he breaks the kiss, looks at her, and says "I masturbate to you." Can you BELIEVE that? Is that supposed to be a compliment? I mean, i guess it is, but seriously now.. that's just disturbing. Why she didn't get the hell out of there as fast as possible is beyond me. Maybe that's even more disturbing. But regardless, this is a lesson to all of you out there: don't say THAT. That's just crazy. If you did do that, please, by all means, keep it to yourself. Nobody want's to hear it.
If god came to earth, do you think it would be worth something if you had him/her sign your copy of the Bible? "Dear Jason, Best Wishes, God." Just a thought..
My friend Kevin and i were talking on the phone, when all of a sudden he said "If a woman has a mistress, what IS it? Is it a misTER?" This brings up a very interesting question..
When i was younger, i was seriously afraid i was going to spontaneously combust. It was probably the worst fear i could come up with, not only because people would laugh at me when i said it, but because there's really nothing you can do to prevent that. If you're going to spontaneously combust, you're going to spontaneously combust. No warning, no preparation.. just, walking down the street, and boom. You're a mess. There you are, having a nice quiet lunch with your good friend, when all of a sudden you're the soup. There are endless bad possibilities, but all of them seem to end in someone in close proximity to you having to wipe your large intestine off their face. Never a pleasant thing. But i got over it eventually.
The pen. It's mightier than the sword. Unless someone hits you with the sword. Then you die.
When i was younger.. hell, when i was older.. up until middle school, in fact, i could not, for the life of me, figure out why the name "Disney" was spelt "D-i-s-n-e-p." Like, it's a company aimed at children.. why would they throw a P at the end of the name, and tell you to pronounce it with a Y? Then i realized.. it is spelt "Disney." But look at the way they write the name, with that cursive hoopla.. tell me that doesn't look like Disnep to you.
When i turned 18, i got this wonderful little card in the mail saying "Hey, why don't you help your country and go overseas and get killed? You can register very easily for the draft by filling out this form. Don't want to do it? Well then, we're going to throw you in jail for 5 years and fine you $250,000!" (that's seriously the punishment. i didn't make that up) And people wonder why i complain about this country. I don't want to register for the draft! Of course, the card didn't put it so bluntly that you would be dying overseas, but if you ever meet me, the first thing that'll go through your head is "this kid would die in a heartbeat if put to war." Well, maybe not the FIRST thing, but it would enter your head. I probably couldn't even lift the damn gun, let alone shoot it. And they want me to go to war. I don't want to kill anyone! The people i'd kill wouldn't want to be there just as much as me. There's really nothing i can do to prevent this, though. So, i filled out their damn form, and wrote "I love life. Please don't kill me." on the bottom of the card. Then they've got this little box on the reverse side of the card titled "Privacy Act Statement." It then goes on to list all the many and various reasons they can invade your privacy. What a WONDERFUL country. Look, my president can have sex with as many interns as he wants.. just DON'T SEND ME INTO WAR! Good god. But now, here's the clincher.. they make you pay postage! That's right. While signing my life away to some kind of communist organization called the "Selective Service," i have to pay 32 cents. If you're going to put me on a list of "useless people between the ages of 18 and 25 who we can kill," you can at LEAST pay the postage. This country sucks. I want a refund.
A girl named Lauren wrote me and said "I hate when people will want to know what you look like before they talk to you on the internet.....It's like they think it is a waste of time to talk to ugly people. " And i thought about it.. You know, that's a good point. People are strange like that. I don't have any pics of myself online past the ones i put on my page and, well, you know how that goes. But i guess it's like the survival instincts. Say two lizards are walkin' along the street.. one male, one female. Now, the male comes over to the female and starts talkin'.. "hey baby, what's up? that's a nice tail you've got. wanna see me shoot this disgusting red thing out of my neck?" and so on.. now, the female is thinking.. "well, i do need to mate because i have to do my part in carrying on the species. but if i mate with this ugly son of a reptile here, my kids will be ugly. And then nobody will mate with them. Someone mated with an ugly lizard and gave birth to this disgusting bastard here. The cycle must be stopped. Must be stopped now!" and so the female lizard turns the other way and starts walking away from Mr. Ugly Lizard. Of course, then she gets run over by a car, but that's probably besides the point.
God has got to be pretty damn old. I mean, according to all that religious hoopla, he created the universe. Or was it just the earth? Is that even specific? Ahh, who cares. The point is, he's got to be pretty old. Especially considering the earth has been around for a hell of a long time, the universe for longer, and he had to be semi-knowledgeable about this whole universe-creating thing before he did it. It would appear that god was middle-aged when the universe was made. Therefore, he's old. That's established. Yet, can't he change his form? So, say god comes down, and he wants to see a movie.. does god get a senior citizen discount?
One of the last things expected to calmly land on my leg while i'm sitting in a chair would be a substantially large bee. So, you can imagine my surprise when one did land on my leg, and i was reduced to a little kid whimpering "Oh, there's a bee on me!" So, my dad comes over to inspect.. sure enough, there's a bee on me. Up goes the hand, and WHAM! He starts hitting the bee. "AHHH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" He's sitting there wailing on this bee, and i'm sure i'm feeling it a lot more than this bee is. "I'M TRYING TO KILL THE BEE!!" he screams. "YOU'RE KILLING ME!!" Finally, the bee died. It was a sight.
It's my opinion that the following warning should be placed on every bottle of toothpaste: "If you're planning on drinking orange juice in the next half an hour, please do it BEFORE using this product." Has anyone drank orange juice after brushing their teeth? Good golly miss Molly! I'm a big fan of orange juice, and i think it tastes pretty good, but when you drink that stuff after brushing your teeth, it tastes like you just licked your ass. Not that i've ever licked my ass, of course. I'm not that flexible.
This type of thing never really happened to me before i went to college in Worcester, MA, but there are tons (and when i mean tons, i mean like, 95% of the male population) of scummy guys driving around in cars that will hoot and hollar, honk, wave, and occasionally actually scream things at girls as they walk down the street. And it doesn't matter if these girls are with guys already. These scummies will still scream out "Whoo!" or something like that. I've never seen a more pathetic display of sexual frustration than this. But then, this one really got me: me and three friends (two of which were girls) were walking down the street, and a car actually pulls up, the guy rolls down the window, and says "Hey gorgeous! Hey beautiful! Look at that wonderful hair!" No kidding. Just what exactly did this guy expect to happen? Like she was going to stop, look at him (which, i'll tell ya, this guy was a hell of a sight. looked like his face was just ran over by the thanksgiving-day parade) and say "Well, since you put it that way, let's have sex." Or maybe she'd just jump through the window and start ripping off her clothes. I don't get it. Really, you should have seen this guy. Telling my friend she has "wonderful hair" while he himself probably had a colony of living things in that head of his. Pathetic. She does have nice hair, though.
There is a product out there called "Fruit dip." When you hear this, and you see the lovely strawberry on the cover of the carton, you think to yourself that it's going to be some kind of strange-tasting dip-like stuff that you're encouraged to stick your fruit in. But no. You know what it is? It's chocolate. Just chocolate. Now, sure, people dip fruit in chocolate. I've done it on occasion, and it's an enjoyable experience. But really, does that make a pile of chocolate "fruit dip"? HELL NO! That makes it a bunch of chocolate that you're dipping fruit into. It's still just chocolate. This is absurd. People couldn't understand my problem with this. It's like selling cartons of maple syrup and calling it "Pancake dip." NO! It's just syrup! It's just chocolate! This is out of hand!
Let's say i had a sidekick. What would that make me? Know what i'm saying here? Like, here's the sidekick and here's the... BLAH. Is there a word for it? The hero? The villain? I'm not a hero or villain. I'm this guy, and i have, for some reason, a sidekick. So what am i? The master? The kick? It doesn't make sense. I don't think there's actually a word out there.
Why, when talking about sex, is it referred to the "birds and the bees"? I mean, i understand that when talking to little kids about the subject, you don't want to just bust out with some crazy terminology like "Honey, mommy and daddy didn't get you from the stork. We got drunk one night and fucked like bunnies" because kids might... well, i'm not too sure how they'd react to that. But nonetheless, if you're going to come up with some terminology, why pick birds and bees? Has anyone actually seen any birds or bees HAVE sex? DO they have sex, for that matter? They must, i'm sure. But, who's seen it? I turn on some national geographic special on tv and get bombarded with tigers and bears having sex, but never have i seen the birds and bees. Really, if you're going to use an animal metaphor, use animals that have crazy sex. Like, the lion and the bufo toad. The lion, as my friend Andres told me, sleeps 20 hours of the day and the other 4 are spent eating and having sex. And the bufo toad... the HORNIEST animals on the planet. They've found these things humping other toads after they were run over by a car. They'll hump your leg, they'll hump light posts, they'll hump anything. Now, THESE are the kinds of animals we need to reference when talking about sex. None of this birds and bees stuff. As far as i'm concerned, they don't have sex.
Can anyone sing the entire tune of "Dueling Banjos"? You know, that twangy country-like number with two banjos that starts off with... well, i can't really write it out, but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. Now, after the intro (the first 18 notes) what happens? Because i always end up jumping into "Yankee Doodle," and i can't figure out why. It's nuts.
You know what would be great? If some restaurant had an item on the menu called "The Chef's Surprise," which would be this ridiculously expensive meal that, of course, comes highly recommended. So you order it, and twenty minutes later, the chef comes out and says "Surprise! There's no meal!"
I come home one night and notice a large spider sitting on the play button of my stereo. I don't like spiders, so i jump back, compose myself, and develop the brilliant plan of getting it to crawl onto a piece of paper. (That was my plan. After it got on the paper, i had to come up with a new plan) Of course, this plan didn't work, and it ran away into the tape deck. Two minutes later, it starts running across my desk, so i revert back to plan A. This time it works, and i'm faced with what to do now.. i decide to throw the paper out (great plan, huh?), but the spider falls off the paper and scurries away. I say: "Fuck." Now what do i do? I have a rampant spider in my room. I complain to my friend Marrianne, who tells me that "spiders are good luck." Now, i've heard this before.. here's the problem: people say things are good luck to try and justify how much they suck. Did you know that people consider a bird pooping on your head good luck? That's not good luck! That was bad luck that a bird just pooped on your head! I mean.. there was a bird.. and it pooped.. and now it's on your head! How is that good luck? It isn't, i tell you!
When a baby's first born, is its first thought "Well, at least i don't have to do THAT again"?
There seem to be two basic human functions that actually take time to take time to take care of: eating, and pooping. (Well, and taking a piss as well, but "eating and pooping" sounded too funny to pass up) Now, i ask you.. why did eating become such a huge social event, and pooping became something to be shunned from conversation? Everyone does both of them. They both smell, at times, quite awful (have you ever smelt a sausage? it smells like a belly button.. which, by the way, smells AWFUL! Stick your finger in your bellybutton. Oh, come on. Don't be shy. Nobody's watching you. There you go. Now, smell your finger. Pretty awful, huh?). Both involve food. Both can be done in the privacy of your own home, yet have public facilities for just such an event as well. So, why did eating become huge, and pooping not? Really, now. Why is it socially acceptable for me to have a conversation with some good company while i'm eating a sandwich in a deli but not to invite some good friends over to go to the bathroom with me and discuss life? This seems rather illogical.
If you'll recall, i discussed a while ago how i look awful in rear-view mirrors. I still haven't really pinpointed why that is, but the fact still remains: if i am sitting in the back seat of a car and i look in the rear-view mirror to see myself, i will look horrible. Surprisingly, i've gotten a few other people responding to that saying that they suffer from the same affliction. But, anyway, my point isn't to just restate the past.. my point is to further the study. Today, i noticed that there is a part of the car where i will look good, and this is none other than my reflection on the side window. Again, i'm equally as confused as to why i look good there, but i'm telling you, folks. I'm a damned movie-star in that side-window. Want my autograph?
Why must parents friends never identify themselves over the phone? You pick up the phone, and a semi-familiar voice on the other end goes "Oh, hellOOOOOOOOO!! How are you doing?" so you answer "I'm doing fine, and yourself?" and small talk goes on for a minute or so, until finally they get to the point, which is asking to speak to your mother/father. Yet, your parental units aren't home, so you say so, and they say "Oh, well then, just tell them i called!" Now.. WHAT are you supposed to do now? They haven't told you who they are because they assume you already know, so you have two choices: you can crush their hopes and dreams and ask their name, or you can just say "okey" and not leave your parents a message. Either way, you're screwed.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Isn't it a little unfair that the democrats are called the democrats? I mean, how close to the word "democracy" is that? You've got the republicans over there, with a name that sounds NOTHING like "democracy," and the both of them are preaching it.. so, why do the democrats get to have their name so close to the damned thing? Unfair, if you ask me.
It's annoying that you can't really emphasize "i" in a letter, because it's supposed to be capitalized anyway. You have to underline it, but that still looks dumb. I mean, i can emphasize ANYTHING by CAPATALIZING it, but not i. Unfortunate.
I asked in a previous page if you could bring books into the bathroom in a bookstore, and i actually got an answer. Coming to you from a guy named Jarvis, here it is: "the answer is no, you can't. at least not in a large-ish bookstore. I did this unintentionally in Borders. I took a magazine into the restroom. then this buzzer started to go off. i figured someone had tried to nik something and walked out the door. so i go about my business and walk out and the buzzer stops, then i notice everyone's looking at me. so there ya go" Thanks, Jarvis.
Don't forget to breathe. If you do, breathe.
I've been constantly switching around my mode of waking-up to keep myself surprised. This might sound a bit absurd, but you must understand...there are clearly two me's. There's the me that most everyone sees - happy and talkative and awake - and then there's the me that wakes up. The me that wakes up is a grumpy and unhumorous boy, and he doesn't like to be woken up. He very much likes to sleep, and waking him up makes him highly unhappy. Once you wake up the grog, he'll live the first ten minutes or so of my life for me by stumbling around, blinking a bunch of times, taking a piss, and then i'll take over. But, the morning-boy is a very clever one.. i used to have the problem of having my alarm clock go off, and i (or, well, "he") would immediately turn it off and then i'd sleep much later than i normally should. So, my friend taped a piece of cardboard over the off-button, and guess what? For two days, it worked. Then, the bastard figured out how to turn the machine off with the cardboard on there, and that was it for that. He's sneaky. Therefore, i came up with a plan, which for the last few days HAS actually worked: i set my alarm-radio to an easy listening station. When it goes off on a normally bad stupid "alternative rock" station, all he would do was to grumble something like "Owwwww...i HATE matchboxtwenty" and then turn the radio off. But with easy listening, he gets woken up to a blasting Barbara Stresand, and is so surprised and horrified and confused that he has no choice BUT to wake up! So far it's worked pretty well.
Excellent story: Me and some friends went candlestick bowling (where the pins are sticks and the balls are just a bit larger than oranges.. there are some different rules, but it's unimportant). When one of my friends went up to bowl, she swung her arm back as many bowlers do, and the ball FLEW OUT of her hand backwards. Of course, to make the moment dramatic, i screamed. Then, the guy sitting in a seat in the next lane DIVES OUT of his seat, lands on the ground, and catches the fly-away-ball. When he's got the ball safely cuddled, he looks at me and says "Well, it must be football season!" I lost it.
Do you realize that our society functions around wiggling things? That's all we have to do to say hi to each other, and really.. that's what most people do on an all-too-frequent basis. There are a ton of people in my life that i don't actually KNOW... have never had a CONVERSATION with.. but i say "hi!" to them everyday as i pass them by. Hence, i know them. So, what of this wiggling? Well, all you have to do to say hi is wiggle something! Most commonly, of course, is to wiggle your hand. Wave. If you're drinking something, you wiggle a finger. If you're holding something, just wiggle whatever you're holding. Wiggle your hat. Wiggle your pen. Wiggle SOMETHING, and people are appeased that you've greeted them. We revolve around wiggling.
I'd venture to say that nobody enjoys drinking sewer water. If i am wrong about this, i'd appreciate the misguided souls who DO enjoy drinking the water that just came from my toilet to speak up. Nobody? Okey, let's continue. So, if nobody loves the refreshing taste of sewage, why do i go to diners, ask for a glass of water, and have it delivered to me in a brown glass? Are brown glasses just really cheap to get? Are they an age-honored tradition? WHY do diners have brown water glasses? It may be just good ol' water in there, but from where i'm sitting, that water is brown. Brown = sewage. Sewage doesn't make me happy.
Ever wonder why people sleep with their mouths open? This is a little something i discovered while star-gazing outside my friend's driveway one evening: tilt your head as far back as it'll go, and keep your mouth closed. Now.
See? I have a feeling you didn't actually do that. I'm going to give you another chance. When you're done, keep reading.
(assuming you've followed my instructions thus far) See how difficult that is? Now try the same thing, but after keeping your mouth closed for a second or two, just let it open. Ahh.. what ease! Tilting your head back is only comfortable if you DO open your mouth. When you're asleep, you don't even have the strength to keep that mouth open. Thus, you start catching flies. Neat, eh?
Don't cry yet.. there's still one more page of bliss, at Home IV!
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