Home IV: But there's more!
Hungry for love, with a small house salad.
I've run into a considerably difficult dilemma upon paying for something that would require a penny in change. What is this problem? Well, quite simply, the penny. Now, i'm fully aware that 100 pennies make a dollar, and hell.. i usually pick up a penny when i see one on the floor. But really, i don't want this penny. However, if i try to express this, it always comes out bad. "Oh, keep the penny," or something like that. Now, if i were working somewhere and someone said that to me, i'd think "Well, thanks for the super tip, asshole." But then again, if i stand there and wait for the penny, to which the cash register person probably is expecting me to try and make some mention of how i don't want it, then i look like i'm one of those cheap bastards that haggles over 25 cent coupons for half an hour, holding up lines of angry shoppers with corn removers. (Just painting a picture, folks. Stay with me, here.) What do i do about this? I don't know. Honestly, i don't. Usually i just take the penny because by the time i've come up with something semi-decent to say that would imply my non-desire for the penny, they've already handed it to me. A couple times, i just say "thank you" and walk off, but that seems rude. So, what's the answer? ....
Why do boogers feel so much larger when they're in your nose? There you are, plugging away at this damned thing that, no matter how hard you blow, just isn't going to come out of your nose by itself, and the whole time you're thinking, "My god, this thing is ENORMOUS! How does this even fit in my nose?" Then, finally, after a couple carefully executed maneuvers, the damned thing becomes freely dislodged from your nose, and you take a look at your masterpiece... it's TINY! Freakin' thing felt like it was the asteroid from Armageddon in there, but really it's just a wee-little bugger. Funny how things seem so much bigger in your nose. There's probably a moral in there somewhere. Not that i... ever pick my nose... of course.
You what's a really silly expression? "That rules." Well, replace That with something more tangible, and my reasoning become a whole lot clearer. Lets say, for example, that one were to say "pizza rules." Now.. really, does it RULE? Rule? What is it ruling? Somehow this hypothetical pizza is suddenly ruling a nation? The world? What's going on here, exactly? I just don't quite understand how something like that manages to just take control and regulate -- RULE -- everything. "Hey man, Metallica RULES!" Really? What? What are they ruling? Metallica in the White House? It doesn't make sense.
So, i walk into a public bathroom (one of those single ones, ya know?) and it just smells AWFUL. Plain awful. Somebody dropped the mother of all dumps in that thing not too long ago, and it smells like something terribly unholy. But alas, i've got to abide by mother nature, and i try to ignore the smell. Then, when i leave, there's someone waiting outside to use the bathroom. What's wrong with this? They're going to go in there, smell that, and think that I did it! Me! I didn't do that! I had to suffer just as much as they will, but now they're going to see me walk out, they're going to walk in, smell Satan, and think that I was the cause of that! What do i do about that? "Hey, man, that smell isn't me!" I mean.. there's just no salvation here!
In Canadian porns, do you think they all say "eh! eh!" instead of "oh! oh!," ?
Now, this isn't meant in any offence to people reading this page, but if it's any group of people i can't stand hanging around, it's a group of high school theater people. No where else will you find a group of people so pining and aching for each other's attention, apt towards the most irritating inner-performances and so likely for individuals to break out into song that it's really quite disgusting. You shall never find me willingly amongst such groups.
So, my dad's been bugging me to set up a bank account for about two weeks now, and one day i finally gather the time and energy to actually go out and do it. It was about a twenty-minute process, as i sat down with Mandy the chipper bank manager and worked out the finer details of this account. Then, after all was done and i had pamphlets and an obnoxious money-symbol cookie cutter in hand (can you believe they give you that?), i walk out, look down, and realize something... my fly was down for the whole thing. It might have been down all day, for all i know. Hah! Dumb fly.
You know, i'm a nice driver. I really am. If i see a pedestrian in need of crossing, i let them walk before i drive past. However, when i grant this privilege, why do they take their sweet time? When a 2,000 pound piece of machinery lets you walk, you walk FAST so the machine can keep going. You don't take a leisurely stroll across the street! Do they realize i could run them over? What's wrong with these people?
Here's a little nugget of childhood wisdom i kept bottle up inside for a while: Until some kind of late age (early middle-school, maybe?), i had believed that girls didn't take poops. I mean, being a guy, i was fully aware that i pooped on a constant occasion, but girls? They're more attractive and less disgusting than guys, they never make jokes about farting or pooping or anything, and they'd always say they have to "pee," but never anything more.. so, hey, as far as i was concerned, the gross process of pooping was left up to the grimier of the sexes: males. I'm not so sure when i realized that girls DID in fact poop (i hope i didn't just break the news to anyone out there), but i'd like to announce proudly that, no, it wasn't established in some kind of embarrassing situation. More, it was a little mental realization of "oh, shit." Hah. Catch the double entendre there?
You think religious people were disappointed when the world didn't end in 2000? I mean, here they were, waiting for their god to show up and say, "Hey, folks. I'm going to go ahead and end the world now, okey?" when the clock hits 2000, and instead... nothing happened. Do they feel betrayed? I mean, the world is still going to be here.. that's pretty good news to me.
"Gah" is probably the most interesting word in the English language, as its so versatile. Sure, i've seen stupid quasi-humorous diatribes about how fuck and shit are the most versatile words, but those are just taking weak cracks at being funny. This, however, is serious. "Gah," when one is a baby, can be translated to mean any word in the entire language. Mother asks the baby, in a strangely idiotic voice, "Awww, honey... are you HUN-gry??" Baby replies "Gah!" and suddenly it means "I'm starving, woman!" However, when the baby is sitting in the car seat and says "Gah," it means "Oh boy, i just took a dump in my pants." See where i'm going with this? And then when you're older.. well.. when you're older, "Gah" just means you're being choked.
And He pissed in a bottle, and said, "Behold! I shall call it beer!" And then the people drank.
There you are, enjoying some food item, munching away as you think to yourself, "Hey, this isn't too bad!" Then, suddenly, an awful thing happens: CRUNCH. Who knows what just made that awful noise, but you just closed your jaws into something hard enough to make an amazingly loud sound in a food that, according to the best of your knowledge, there shouldn't have been anything of the sort within. I can never really figure out if i actually feel it in my mouth or if i'm just imagining it, but one way or another -- i FEEL that crunchy thing in my banana bread, my veggie-burger, my shouldn't-have-a-scary-crunchy-thing-in-it food. Just what ARE those awful things that make that awful noise? Why didn't anyone catch them before the food got produced? Why do my eyes bug out to an amazingly embarrassing degree when i chomp down on one of them?
Somebody needs to do something about the names "Canker sore" and "Cold sore." Why? Because Canker sores just aren't that bad, and cold sores are not only terribly ugly, but just aren't too great to have either. Canker sores go away on their own. Cold sores are crazy. Why, then, do canker sores have the worse name? It sounds just awful! It sounds gross! I'd rather say "I have a cold sore" than say "I have a canker sore." When you announce your cold sore, people say "oh, that sucks." When you announce a canker sore, people cringe and say "eew." But it should be the other way around! This is like saying "Oh, i lost an arm" (oh, that sucks) or "I have an awful case of genital warts." (cringe, "eew"). Now, don't get me wrong.. i'd hate to have genital warts.. but i'd rather have that than lose an arm. However, which one.. really now.. sounds better?
Bald guys compensate with go-tees. I mean, let's just cut to the chase, here. Men will, at some point in their lives, usually lose their hair. When this happens, they can do one of a few things: 1) get plugs, which i must say look like someone just left cheese-grater indentations on your forehead, 2) take some kind of weird drug, or 3) grow a go-tee. Because even if it gets gray, men will still be able to grow facial hair. And hey, if it's not on one side of their head, it just might as well be on the other. Or, so says the bikers.
Pubescent Moustache Gangs. You all know them, and hey -- maybe some of you are one of them. They're the relatively disgusting guys that hang out in groups of 5-6, all wearing baggy pants, some kind of name-brand t-shirt (or occasional Tu-Pac shirt), and.. of course, they all just grew their first moustache! Is this a pre-requisite for the gang? What if they shave, and then grew a real moustache instead of the peach fuzz that all currently resides on their faces? Would they not be tough enough, then? I really do marvel at the awful oddness that makes someone actually try to grow out a pubescent moustache. I mean, would you walk around with a sign saying "It's late, but i finally hit puberty"? Because, i wouldn't. Has anyone actually approached these kids and, as they shoot off their tough-boy slang, just inform them that there's something slightly dirty under their nose? "No, man, that's my MOUSTACHE," they'd say. I think i'd just laugh.
Stand-up comedy is, for all its failures and pathetic renditions, sometimes quite funny. You will, on a rare shiny day, get this one comedian who gets up in front of a large hungry unmotivated crowd, grabs the mike stand, and actually says something quite funny. It's not a common occurrence, but it does happen. However, you know what is, without fail, always 100% NOT funny? People quoting stand-up comedy. There's something in the shaky ground of the funny stand-up comic that just isn't going to ever be reproduced by a person who heard the routine once and, through intermittent laughter, decided this would be a great thing to tell their friends. And so, they sit down, start it off with "Well, so-and-so was doing their schpeal about this or that, and..." LAUNCH! They jump into it. Although, naturally, it's not nearly that funny. In fact, it's usually not funny at all. Yet, by our strange fascination with stand-up comedy and our assumptions that, regardless of how many times we've seen it be unhumorous, it's supposed to be funny, we give this repeater a courtesy laugh like it was their own thoughts they're so haphazardly spilling out of their mouth. All in all, it's a messy situation. Just don't quote stand-up comedy. That's the bottom line here.
Why are doors such a big thing? People normally not accustomed to sudden movements suddenly sprint like their life depended on it to catch a door before the inevitable *click.* What's the worst that could happen here? The door closes, you turn the handle, and the door opens again. Big deal. Are we so absolutely lazy that we need to try and squeeze through closing doors before we have to -- gasp -- OPEN THEM AGAIN! Heaven forbid. And we're so absolutely gracious to anyone who spares us this horrible hassle that we feel inclined to thank someone each time they hold the door. First of all, why are we holding doors for people? Sure, it's polite, but so is spit-shining someone's shoes as they walk, which i assure you has never crossed my mind. It's like we're trying to erase the slightest obstacle from people's lives for really no good reason at all. When there's a stream of people coming through a door, all anyone in that stream needs to do is tap on the door and it'll stay open long enough for them to get through. Everyone does this, and everyone's all set. But, no. Instead, there's usually some big-smile person standing there, holding the door open for everyone and collecting the "thank you"'s along the way. "Oh, THANK YOU! I wouldn't have dared take my hand and exerted the slightest bit of pressure on this door so i could pass. Thank you!" This doesn't happen! Why are people so lazy? Open the damn door yourself, i say.
If ever there was a revolting marketing idea, it's Millennium paraphernalia. Teddy bears with "2000" on their stomach, diamond pendants shaped in a "2000," shirts with a smiley face and a Darth Vader helmet that says "Have a nice millennium." Who plans on buying these things? I truly don't understand it. Paraphernalia is for showing something off or searching for recognition. You go to Paris and but a t-shirt that says "Paris, we we" because when you leave Paris you'll either be showing all the people who DIDN'T go to Paris that you've been there or you'll run into someone who's been there as well and you can have conversations like "Did you see the Louve?" or "How about those frenchmen? SMELL-EE!" (i apologize for the stereotype. just a joke, folks). However.. now listen closely to this.. EVERYONE YOU SEE WILL HAVE LIVED THROGH THE CHANGE OF THE MILLENIUM. There will be no conversations like "Oh, wow! You lived through 2000? I just decided to skip over 1999 and 2000." No! That can't happen! What are you showing off with Teddy-2000? Nothing! The only people who won't be able to claim witness to 2000 will be little babies who would rather cheese-up on your ridiculous "Have a nice millennium" shirt than admire you for your lifespan. Which, if you actually have bought any of this horrible horrible crap, i hope it's a short one.
Not to mention, when i was a kid i thought the line, "Go ahead... make my millennium" was really damned funny in Beetleguese. Now it's not so funny anymore.
Endless humor: Conversationally using the word "shit" when shit is actually part of the conversation. "Oh, i just clogged the toilet," says one. "That's real shitty," says the other. See?
Very few situations have more room for mistaken sexual advances than crotch grabbing.
No, i'm kidding. I'm talking about sitting at a table and haphazardly kicking the pole under the table. You hit it and, realizing there's not something for your leg to do down there, start kicking it lightly or, well, start doing whatever it is you'd do to the pole. Next thing you know, it's actually your friend's leg. Not the table. What comes of this is either a quick apology, a game of footsie, or a lover. You make the choice.
This is a real business card i picked up for a company who encourages you to go out and kill animals so that they may stuff them. Let's take a look here: In the upper right we've presumably got a hunter with a bow and arrow, poised to shoot and kill what looks like an innocent deer enjoying a leisurely stroll in the forest. And then, well, what do we have above the deer? "Praise the Lord"? What? Praise the Lord? Is this a joke? No, sir! Mr. Simard says, "Go pray to god and then brutally kill innocent animals." It's almost too ironic. It's kind of sad.
Do you know why Fruity Pebbles is such a fantastic cereal? It's because they're Fruit Loops, but already chewed for you.
It's always been disheartening that advertising is such a mammoth force in America, because it just says to me that people are fantastically eager to have something else make up their mind for them. Yet, then i think back to when i was a kid and (now, i know you did this.. i did. my sister did. i'm assuming, from that small test pool, everyone did), at a resturaunt, would ask my parents if i liked something. "Mom, do i like this?" They don't have my tounge! Did my parents have _____? No. Yet, not only did i ask them, but they would always respond. Hence, it's human nature to give way to advertising.
Consider this: When you do laundry, and you wash all your dirty clothing, the clothes you're wearing are the absolute dirtiest articles of clothing you own. Because, if everything is either unworn or in the wash, and your current clothes are going to be in the "dirty pile" at the end of their stay on you, then you're wearing the dirtiest clothes you own. You scum.
Do people named Adam find it funny when someone references their family by calling them "Adam's Family"? Get it? "Adams Family," like with Wednesday and the Frankenstein housemaid and the horrible sequel? Sure, it's a weak pun, but if my name was Adam, it'd find it amusing.
Here's a new twist on an old favorite: Instead of simply pranking people by calling and hanging up, why not call, yawn, and then hang up? Because, trust me, yawns are contagious over the phone. So, you call, make someone yawn, and then hang up. What better way to irritate someone than make them suck air? None.
If my brief telemarketing job has taught me anything, it's that the majority of people's answering machines include the instructions to "wait for the beep, then leave your name and number and a brief message." Now, who, without hearing these instructions, wouldn't know what to do on the machine? Must we really remind people what to do every time they access an answering machine, as if they'd simply stutter and slobber without the convienent explanation. I think this is wonderful proof of either one of two things: 1) People consider other people idiots. 2) People are not very clever, and must resort to reciting obvious instructions because, if they didn't, they'd have nothing else to say on the machine.
Is dirt actually cheap? I've been told it isn't. On a similar note, i must wonder if sheperds in germany are aware of their occupational name resemblence to a dog.
As if the genetic mutilation of animals for the faster and more inhumane way of raising and eating them wasn't enough evidence that the human race is way too overly egotistical, here is further proof: people will not piss in dirty water. Is it too good for them? Do they consider their urine to be cleaner than that which has already been diluted in a toilet bowl of water? Who knows. All i know is that if someone walks into a public bathroom and finds a yellow liquid reminder of a past utilizer, that person will flush so they may have clean water before using the toilet. Unbelivable.
Ok, that's about all for the main pages. Yep, sorry.. this is the last one. Check back soon for updates. Time to move on.
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