With the Miami Dolphins sucking with such steadfast consistancy, the Florida press is struggling to find new ways to describe the level of suck. Today’s attempt: A Sun-Sentinel writer delves into why H. Wayne Huizenga, the team’s ultra-rich owner who’s built three Fortune 500 companies, can’t make the Dolphins successful. And here’s how the writer frames this quandry:

Clearly, victories in the boardroom don’t guarantee on-field performance, making it common for fans to wonder: How can a guy be such a successful businessman and be so unsuccessful when it comes to his sports team?

Wha? Seems that would, uh, kind of resolve the story, right? Victories in the boardroom don’t guarantee on-field performance. The paper says it right there. And if that we’re so clear on that — clearly! — then why would it be common for fans to wonder how a guy can be such a successful businessman and be so unsuccessful when it comes to his sports team? Clearly, cows do not squirt ice cream out of their udders, making it common for ice cream lovers to wonder: Why can’t they get ice cream directly from cows?

In mostly unrelated news: I Googled Huizenga and discovered he’s joined the Romney campaign. Surely there’s some irony in Romney, a guy plagued by flip-flops, teaming up with a man whose team logo is Flipper.